Sacred Serenity (Lotus House Book 2) (11 page)

He nodded and cupped my cheek with one hand, the other wrapped around my back, keeping me pressed against him in every way possible.

“Proud of you for admitting it. For taking the chance on me and opening your heart to what we have.”

A shaky breath worked its way out my mouth along with a broken, “Do…uh…y-you love me?” I asked even though I was absolutely terrified of his reply. It was ludicrous to think he could fall in love with a woman he’d never even had a sexual relationship with.

“Oh, Amber, I fell in love the moment you allowed me to blindfold you.”

Amber’s head shot back as her eyes glowed with interest and surprise.

I pressed a finger over her lips. “Hold that thought.”

She grimaced enough that I surmised she wasn’t thrilled with the pause in our discussion, but as much as I would have liked to scream from the rooftops that we were in love, I still had a class to teach. While gritting my teeth, I addressed the class.

“Don’t look at me. Keep your eyes focused on your partner’s.” I shifted my gaze so that I was looking straight into Amber’s eyes.

Christ, she was a goddess on high. She epitomized everything I’d ever wanted in a woman. Intelligent, strong, loving, but most of all, loyal to the core. I’d not have to worry about my little bird straying to another suitor. I had the utmost confidence in us. The same way I knew the Earth was round, I recognized that, as long as I treated her well and didn’t betray her trust, she’d be mine forever.

The best part—we wouldn’t need the legal paperwork to prove our bond like so many did and failed. My love and I would not become another statistic like my mother and father. And I planned to ensure that by never getting married. My word and my blood would be our bond. For her, when the time was right, I’d make the ultimate sacrifice. I’d mar my temple by tattooing a ring on the finger that stereotypically held a wedding ring. All for love, faith, and commitment. Just the thought of the needle piercing my flesh with intent to mark me as this woman’s forever sent a bolt of lust roaring through my sternum to settle stiffly in my cock. She moaned low and deep in her throat, which made me think about using that mouth and throat for activities far more devious.

With Amber though, I’d held back from pressuring her into more sexual activities. Something about the way she backed off when things got a bit hot and heavy made me leery to press on. I wanted her to be ready to go there physically with me. It was definitely something we needed to talk about, especially since we’d both admitted our feelings. I wanted nothing more than to seal our commitment to this relationship with an act of physical love, and I planned on going there tonight.

Fisting her hair and tipping back her head, I laid a line of kisses against the pale, slender column of her neck. I spoke against her lips loud enough for the class to hear the next steps. “In the yab-yum Tantric position where you face your partner, the pair of you can start rocking against one another, rubbing your genitals more firmly to stimulate arousal. When ready, the female would lift up and insert the penis, moving into intercourse. While rocking against each other, this position allows for a deep physical and mental connection, as well as the ability to work toward mutual orgasms. Looking into one another’s eyes while you mate is a powerful aphrodisiac and essential to long lasting unity.”

I shifted my hands to her hips and helped rock her lower body against my cock. Her eyes were half-open and her face held a dopey loose expression. I’d seen that before when we’d had our serious make out sessions at my house while sitting on my couch.

“Tonight, you’re going to practice giving your woman a G-spot massage as described in the material I distributed at the beginning of class. In the G-spot massage, you’ll insert fingers into her vagina and search for the bumpy patch of tissue on the front wall. She’ll let you know when you’ve found it.”

I took a slow breath while my woman rubbed and rolled her hips, keeping up the friction I’d set. Pure nirvana. I could only think of one thing that would be better, and that was being inside her.

“Since we can’t do that in class, feel free to touch your partner’s genitals over their clothes. When your mate gets close to orgasm, back off. Kiss for a while, talk quietly about how you feel, what you are feeling for one another. Then start back up again. Part of the beauty of Tantra and a healthy sexual relationship is the buildup, the anticipation. There are moments when you’re mutually pleasuring the other that are so completely…selfless. Find that within the experience today. Give that gift to your mate.”

Amber dug her heels into my ass and ground down on my cock. A breath I hadn’t realized I was holding shot out as I slammed her mouth over mine. I took her mouth with an intensity I’d not felt for another woman. Long sweeps of her tongue made my balls rise up, and I wanted to plunge my dick into her heat. Needing to turn the tables, I ran my hands down the front of her chest, pinching her nipples until she arched into my touch. I leaned forward and kissed, licked, and sucked on every inch of her neck, whispering things to her, the things I wanted to do to her.

I found it hard to get a good hold on her perky nips. I’d have much preferred bare tits, but her sports bra was made of flimsy Lycra that left nothing to the imagination. It took everything I had not to bite her ample bosom through the small top. However, control was the cornerstone of Tantra, and I’d had years to perfect mine under duress. Though I had to admit, with Amber, the challenge was formidable. She made me
want
to lose control in every way. Perhaps that’s what love does to people? It was quite possibly the one aspect of Tantra I’d been missing. A partner I loved who loved me in return. I couldn’t wait to test every Tantric theory, practice every position physically, and experience it all with new eyes. Through the eyes of a man in love.

“Are you wet for me, little bird?” I asked while tweaking both tight peaks.

“God…yes,” she moaned.

That moan went straight to my groin. I jackknifed up and pressed her down so she could feel every steely inch. Then I held her aloft as I dragged the surface against her sex so that the wide-knobbed ridge at the top of my cock would press perfectly on her hot button. I was rewarded with the loveliest sigh and a clench of her thighs against my waist. The power of her quads as she rubbed against me was the sweetest torture.

“You want me to touch you, relieve some of that ache?” I nibbled on her earlobe as her breathing became labored.

She kissed my neck and ran her tongue down it. I curled a hand up her back and over her shoulder to anchor her to me.

“Please…please touch me,” she begged before biting into the ball of my shoulder.

That tiny prick of pain snared the sexual beast I’d been holding back. Locking her close, I slid one hand in between our bodies and cupped her sex possessively. Her entire body went rigid as if that single touch had made her come, but I knew it hadn’t. I considered myself quite the expert when it came to making women climax. I’d had countless hours of Tantric training. And in an extraordinary Tantric relationship where two people have invested their entire beings, your partner’s body can be conditioned to orgasm on command alone. I’d not experienced that in previous relationships, but I planned on getting to that place with Amber one day. For now, though, I cupped the heart of her, and she squirmed like she had ants in her pants.

I kept our bodies smashed together and paired my breathing to hers. When we were completely in sync, I kissed along her neck, dragging my lips down to where her strawberry scent was most potent. “Close your eyes. Savor me touching you. Trust me to make you feel honored. Worshiped. Loved.”

“I love you. I trust you.” Amber burrowed her face in the crook of my neck, her heated breath feeding the fire already building within.

And that’s when I went to town seducing the woman I loved. I rubbed my hand back and forth across her center, using my thumb to press against her clit. I feasted on every sigh. Each breath gave me life, enriched my soul, and strengthened the feelings I had for her. Soon after I began massaging the space between her thighs, she started to roll her hips, getting into it. When she did that, I backed off and instead caressed her thighs and back and massaged her scalp. She was jelly in my arms and under my complete control.

When her breathing evened out once more, I tunneled my hand into her hair and tugged at the nape until she lifted her head. Her facial expression was dreamy and loaded with pure lust, my very favorite look on her to date. Lost in love. Taking my cues, she wrapped her hands around my neck and leaned forward to kiss me. I let her, giving her the lead, wanting her to feel the power of being in charge. She relished it, and soon her hips started moving again, seeking the hardness only I could give her.

I moved my hand back over her center and cupped her with intent. She gasped and pulled back from our kiss.

“Are you going to give me this?” I asked, swallowing down the emotional fire that went with the question. My nostrils flared as I searched her face, waiting for her reply. I needed to hear her say the words. I had plans for the evening, and all of them included getting inside her.

“I…I…don’t know what you mean.”

Those words hit me like a wet towel to the ass, startling and coming out of left field.

Her eyes shone a bright emerald green as I picked up the sensual massage of her most private place. She pressed into my hand, showing me she wanted what I was giving, but her words… They didn’t add up. Confused, I circled her clit with my thumb.

“Are you going to give me this pussy? Let me inside. Be with me in all things?”

I focused my gaze on hers and pressed hard on her clit, giving her endless circles. Her breath caught. She was close, so close to coming. I could have written a book just on the different facial expressions women make when they are going to orgasm. I kept up the pressure, my hand jerking back and forth roughly, wanting to see her face as she gave herself over to me.

“Dash, I can’t…” She moaned and lifted her head back.

Needing to see her eyes, I tugged on her hair until she winced and brought her face to mine. Our noses were now touching, our lips a scant few centimeters apart. Every time I tugged on her pussy, pressing two fingers against the shorts, dipping into her core through the fabric, panties and all, she’d scowl and bite down on her lip. A scowl when someone was going to orgasm was not uncommon, but there was something else in play.

“You can’t give me this pussy?” I frowned and rubbed four fingers back and forth in maddening strokes.

“I can’t.” She choked on a moan and her body tightened. She was going to come. I should have stopped, brought her back from the precipice like I’d instructed the class, but right then, I didn’t care. She was mine and I hers. I wanted to see it. See her face when she gave it to me.

“Do you feel my love for you? Every touch, every caress, it’s me showing you. My proof.”

Amber closed her eyes, and her mouth opened. “Dash, I can’t give you what you want,” she said, her words featherlight and just as fragile.

“Why not?” I asked, still manipulating her sex, not letting up for even a moment’s reprieve, which went against everything I should have been doing, but I was too far gone. Gone for her.

And that’s when it hit. I pressed my thumb on her hot button…hard. Her eyes went wide, and her mouth dropped open. A crimson blush washed over her cheeks. She locked her legs, pressing her groin hard down on mine over and over. Her body shook, trembled in my hands, as I continued to work her pussy over her clothes.

“Why, Amber. Tell me!” I growled into her mouth, biting down on her bottom lip as she reached her peak. Her body went tight, like a rubber band stretched in both directions to full capacity. I smashed my mouth over hers to muffle her response and kissed her through it all. I let her dig her nails into my back and gloried in the fact that I had made her feel this.

As she started to descend, coming off the high of her orgasm, three words I never expected to hear in a million years tumbled out of her kiss-swollen lips against my mouth.

“I’m a virgin.”

R
ushing
out of class tonight was not one of my best moments. All I knew was that my love had thrown me for a loop. The woman that I’d fallen in love with, was balls-to-the-wall-crazy for, was a real-life virgin. I shook my head and tugged at my hair, pacing back and forth alongside the pool table. My best pal Atlas stood silently, pool stick to his chest, hands resting along the top, chin resting on his hands, waiting. I knew what he wanted, but I was loath to give it to him.

“Spill, Cosmo.” He used the nickname Amber had given me. I should never have told him that she’d called me that. He’d never let me live it down.

I winced and slugged back a few swallows of the IPA. The stuff tasted like warm, wheat-flavored water. The beer sloshed over the edge of the glass as I slammed it onto the high-top table. “Warm piss.”

Atlas’s eyebrows rose, but he still didn’t move. Such a cool demeanor. The guy had always been that way. Probably what drove the girls wild. They didn’t get much out of him. Then again, people could say the same about me. Aside from Amber. I spent the last three weeks spilling my soul out to her. And for what? So she could lie to me? A lie by omission was still a lie.

“My girlfriend has been keeping something from me, and tonight, she laid it out. Among other things.”

Atlas held the stick with one hand and then lined up his shot. “Well, I can see you’re not angry, but you’re definitely flustered. So she’s not cheating.”

I scowled at the mere mention of cheating. He knew a woman I thought I loved had cheated on me on in the past. I’d never accept cheating from anyone I was dating, but I knew Amber. Even with the professor’s son, Landen O’Brien, I trusted her.

And therein laid the crux of my problem. I trusted her. Trusted her to share her secrets. I’d shared mine. Maybe not
all
of them, but there was time for that. Years in fact. But this, when the hell was she going to share something so crucial to our relationship?

“Okay, not cheating.” Atlas pulled back his stick and clocked the white into the orange one, sinking it into the corner pocket. “She lie about something?” He leaned against the pool table and tilted his head, assessing my sour expression. “Yep, lying. What’d she lie about?”

I scowled. “None of your damn business. I thought we were here to play pool and have a beer.”

He chuckled and scoured the table, looking for his next best shot. “Technically, you called me and told me we needed to go out. You and I both know that’s bro code for shit’s going down personally. Dash, man, nobody knows you better than me. And here you are, pacing the floor, tossing away good beer. Not like you man.” He shot another ball and missed this time.

Slowly, I sucked in a calming breath. I fisted my hands around the pool stick as if I was strangling it. I hadn’t felt so betrayed in… Crap, I couldn’t even remember when. Since I’d begun practicing the art of Tantra and yoga, I spent more time viewing the world in a positive light. Right then, however, I felt less like myself than I had in years. Maybe if I talked about it, I could work through it.

“Come on, Dash.” Atlas clapped a hand on my shoulder. “You can tell me anything, man.”

His eyes were focused on mine, and I stared into them. One brown, one blue, a feature that I’d pointed out to him the day we met freshman year. He’d been wearing one colored contact, and it was out of place, showing the blue eye through the brown ring. I’d never mentioned it again, nor did I punk him out to our friends. Kids in high school could be cruel, so I kept that bit of information to myself. He was in college before he ditched the contacts and went au natural with the fact that he had different-colored eyes. Now, it was almost a party trick and fun to use to pick up women. Of course, that was before I’d committed to my life’s plan of finding
the One
.

I pressed my lips together hard.

Atlas’s brows pushed together. “Shit, she did a number on you. Dammit! I thought Amber was one of the good ones. Sweet, you know. I’m…”

I growled. “She
is
sweet. Too frickin’ sweet.”

He frowned. “How you mean?”

I closed my eyes and reined in my concerns. This was Atlas. He’d keep anything I told him in the strictest confidence. “She’s a virgin.”

Atlas’s eyes widened. “Excuse me? I don’t think I heard you.”

“You heard me.” I pinched my lips together tight and let out a long breath through my nose. I felt like a fire-breathing dragon, not sure how to let out all my steam.

My friend leaned against the table and rubbed his chin. “Okay. I can see how this would pose a problem for you, being who you are.”

I stepped forward and placed my hands on the front of the pool table, rolling my shoulders, working the knot that was building between my scapula. “What’s that supposed to mean?
Being who you are
? Please, enlighten me, Atlas.”

Atlas shook his head, uncrossed his arms, pressed both palms to my shoulders, and leaned in. He lowered his voice when he spoke. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything offensive. I just know that in your job, you’ve had a lot of experience with women. I’m not calling you out on that. I’m stating a fact. Hell, man, you’re one of the state’s top educators on the subject. I can see how this would rattle you.”

I nodded and pursed my lips.

“Now, how’s Amber?”

I raised my brows. “What do you mean,
how’s Amber
?”

He ran a hand through his curly hair and sighed. “I mean, this had to be a hard confession for her, right? She okay? Did you two settle it up before you called me?” His eyes searched mine, moving left and then right a couple times. “You didn’t, did you?”

My head was too heavy to hold up under the weight of my shame. I surveyed the ground and kicked at the busted peanut shells littering the wood floor.

“Ah shit, Dash…what the hell, man! You’re so in the dog house.”

“I’m in love with her, and she’s in love with me,” I said at random, needing to get it out. To tell someone, anyone.

He chuckled and rubbed at his bearded chin. “
Mazel tov
. So why the hell are you pacing like a caged animal and putting back beers with
me,
when you should be working through this with your woman?”

“I’ve never been with a virgin, okay?” I whispered under my breath.

Atlas rolled his eyes. “Are you kidding me? This, this is what you’re fretting over?”

I gripped his bicep and tugged him so that his face was closer to mine.

“I’m not good enough for her.” The words came out muddied and dragging along the filthy bar floor, my heart in tow.

Atlas slapped my other bicep and held on. “If she thinks that, she’s not good enough for
you
. But, I’ve met Amber. And I see that dopey expression on your face when you talk about her. I’m here to tell you, Dash, this is not a big deal.”

What did he know? I’m certain he wasn’t the world’s expert on taking a woman’s most prized possession. “It is. If she’s held on to it this long, there’s a reason. Because you’ve seen her. She’s gorgeous with a…”

“Bangable body.” He nodded avidly. “Yeah, your girl has the athlete hottie thing going on with a rack that…”

I dug my fingers into his bicep, cutting him off.

“Shit. Ouch. Let up. I’m sorry. You started it.”

“And I’ll finish it if you disrespect my girlfriend.”

That’s when Atlas busted up laughing. A full on, hysterical laugh. I let him go, and he backed up until he was sitting on the edge of the pool table again.

“Do you hear yourself?” He sighed. “Dash, you’re sitting here in a pissing contest with me when you should be making sure your woman is okay. That had to be hard for her to admit. It’s definitely not something you hear every day, especially when you’re dating a twenty-two-year-old college student.”

“Dammit! I screwed up.” I ran my fingers through my hair and tugged on the edges.

Atlas rubbed his chin. “Yep, you did. All that matters now is, how are you going to fix it?”

Class was a joke today. I couldn’t focus on anything. Not a single thing. I had pretty much shut down since the moment Dash left me standing in the yoga studio, my admission still caught in my throat. My body was still coming down from the highs of the best orgasm I’d ever received when he’d stood up suddenly, addressed the class, saying he had an appointment, and raced out. Away from me. And I haven’t heard from him since.

I expected a call last night. Nothing. Instead, I spent the evening crying in Vivvie’s lap. Worst problem there—Trent was home. He and Dash had worked out their debacle over Genevieve months ago, right after he’d manned up to his responsibilities with her and his baby. The two of us had also worked out our differences. I’d hated the guy for hurting Vivvie back then. Still, even with our rocky past, Trent comforted me. Brought me hot tea and a blanket. Left his girl and me alone even though they only had a few precious days together at a time.

God, was I an idiot for falling in love with the wrong man?

Was he the wrong man? How could he be when every single solitary cell that combined to form my genetic makeup had fallen down the rabbit hole in love with him?

“Hey, you look like you could use a cup of coffee.” Landen’s green eyes swirled with concern. “Or maybe a shot of tequila?” He set a hand on my shoulder and patted my back. “Come on, I know just the place.”

Completely numb, I stood, followed him out of class, and to his car. Throughout the ride, Landen didn’t so much as ask me a question. Somehow he must have sensed that I needed the quiet. My mind had been racing for the last twenty-four hours, wondering what to do about Dash. What was he thinking about what I’d admitted? How did this information change the fact that we’d both said we were in love?

I cringed and stared blindly out the window. The streetlights flickered against the glass, causing a halo effect when I tried to focus on something. Reminded me of being blinded by a camera flash.

Finally, the car stopped in front of what looked to be a pub. The building was made completely of bricks, which was uncommon in California. Almost everything here was concrete, wood, or stucco, most often a combination of the three.

Landen jumped out of the car and ran around to open my door. Chivalry was alive and well in Mr. O’Brien. Speaking of O’Brien, the same last name was in a bold font text on a bright green sign with four leaf clovers acting as the apostrophes. The sign proudly identified the establishment as O’Brien’s Pub and Grill.

“Does your dad own this pub?” I asked, watching the bright sign sway with the breeze.

“Nope. My uncle Cal owns the joint. Come on. You need to let your hair down.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the door.

“But my hair is down.” I puffed out my lip.

He shook his head and dragged me inside. The moment we entered, a man behind the bar who looked shockingly like Professor O’Brien, waved us over.

“Landen, my boy. You look a wee bit thirsty.” The man held up his fingers, showing an inch of air between them. He turned his head toward me while I sidled up to the bar. “And you look like you have a girl… Oh, sweet mother…”

The man’s face went a pasty white. His mouth dropped open in a gasp as he stepped back and banged into the bar back behind him, one hand clutching his chest.

“It can’t be. Either time’s been perfect to you, darling, or you’re a ghost.” His uncle didn’t move a muscle, holding his chest and staring at me as if I had a gun pointed at him.

“I’m sorry, I’m Amber.”

“A-Amber.” He said my name slowly.

“Yeah, Uncle Cal, what’s the deal?” Landen looked at me and then back at his uncle, who kept staring. “You’re making my friend uncomfortable.”

Cal shook his head and then blinked a few times. “You look exactly like someone I know. Well, knew when I was a very young man. What did you say your name was again?”

“Amber. Who do you think I look like?” My throat went dry, and I gripped the bar so tight my fingers turned white. A sour knot churned in my stomach as I suspected he was going to react the same way Landen’s father had.

Cal wiped the bar top with a dishtowel, lobbed it over his shoulder, and then leaned forward. His eyes pierced mine. “A woman I once knew named Kate St. James.”

I closed my eyes, trying to stem the flow of emotions that seared through my chest and hit my eye sockets like a rushing river. After the night I’d had, this was the last thing I wanted to deal with. Apparently, that’s just the way things went sometimes. Fate could be a coldhearted snake.

I quickly swiped at each eye, wiping the tears away. I couldn’t keep up. They fell all the same as I spoke. “Kate St. James was my mother.”

The bartender, who had the same curly hair as his brother and far kinder eyes, leaned forward, put his hands over mine where they still clenched the bar top, peeled them away, and brought his face close to mine. “Dear girl. I’m sorry. She’s gone, isn’t she? Your mom?”