Authors: Lydia Michaels
He hated that he was possibly hurting her with his avoidance, but he didn’t know what else to do. He wanted her with a fierceness he’d never felt before and yet he could never completely have her. They hadn’t slept together, but in some way, what they had shared seemed all the more intimate.
Not only was he becoming a Diocesan Priest, he was a practicing Catholic to the bone. He believed in abstinence until marriage. Unsure if Samantha still held her virtue, considering otherwise was altogether intolerable, but he was as inexperienced as they came. Never before had he kissed another being so intimately, touched another’s flesh so personally, struggled with temptation so intensely. He needed to keep his distance or once again risk losing control.
Colin didn’t know if Samantha talked to his brother. Braydon would no doubt feel the sting of rejection, but his younger brother had to know Sammy was not invested emotionally in whatever they shared.
The day he saw Braydon kissing her…he never in his life suffered such aching jealousy. It was a hybrid reaction created from envy, anger, and many other sins. He was breaking a commandment and coveting a woman who belonged to not just another man, but his brother.
He tried to stay away, realizing he was only hiding from his fears. Attempting to brush off the attraction, he followed the others to the beach. He intended to leave her be, but for some reason he found every word she said fascinating. And then she suffered a panic attack.
Colin wasn’t sure what triggered her reaction. They had been speaking of childhood goals and suddenly she was paler than a ghost and struggling to breathe. His fear for her in that moment was completely irrational and inappropriate, but so very, very real.
It aggravated him that Braydon had been neglecting her, yet it irritated him to see his brother with Sammy. What’ve happened if Sammy had another episode like the one on the beach and no one was there to help her come back to herself? Damn Braydon for being too selfish to not give her the time he owed her and the company she deserved.
By Friday Colin was running out of errands and places to hide. He awoke thinking he’d visit the church and see if they had anything that needed tending. Perhaps there was a senior who needed a ride to a doctor’s appointment that would take up the majority of his day.
Pathetic.
Was this how he was going to ride out the next week?
Samantha was supposed to be staying with them until the seventeenth. There was one week left. As much as he wanted her to go he wanted her to stay. How would he survive the next week without being able to touch her, laugh with her, hold her in his arms? Never before had the idea of celibacy terrified him so. Even the temptation to bring
himself
to release while thinking about her in the shower or in the privacy of his room was novel. He’d never been one to masturbate, but since meeting Samantha he struggled to withstand the temptation.
It was lust, he told himself repetitively. Samantha was a lovely woman, easy to care for, a pleasure to spend time with. Any man with eyes and a brain would undoubtedly feel the same way. He was merely one victim in the long line of men that would someday lose their hearts to Samantha Dougherty. But if that was true, and what he was feeling was simply lust, why would this impatient yearning for her not fade?
The scent of home cooked breakfast filtered from below and he wanted to be out of the house before everyone rose for the day. Grabbing his phone and keys, he quickly left his room. He paused when he caught Braydon knocking on Sam’s bedroom door.
“Hey, Col, you taking off again today?”
Colin stuck his items in his pocket and tried not to appear as guilty as he felt while looking at Braydon.
“Yeah.
I need to head down to the church to help out with some things.”
“Oh yeah? What’s
goin
’ on down there?”
Before he could answer with a lie Samantha opened the door. Her hair was damp and her clothing was somewhat clinging to her skin. She’d obviously just gotten out of the shower when Braydon knocked.
“Braydon.” She looked to her left and saw him. “Good morning, Colin.”
“Good morning, Samantha. Did you sleep well?”
Her cheeks flushed and she looked to the floor. “Yes.”
“My mom and the aunts are going antiquing,” Braydon cut in. “I wanted to see if you wanted to hang with them or come with me today.”
She looked up at him. “Where are you going?”
“I was gonna go pick up some bait for tomorrow and then get stuff ready at the lake for tonight.”
“Tonight?”
“Yeah, it’s our annual bonfire at the lake.”
Colin watched as his brother gave Samantha a coy smile and fingered a strand of her damp hair.
“You and I snuggled up under a blanket by the fire…”
Colin fought the urge to smack his brother’s hand away from her. He should go, but he couldn’t stop watching her, nervous to see what she’d do.
“After everyone leaves we could sneak out to the dock and do some night swimming, just the two of us.”
Colin’s gaze tore from Samantha’s beautiful face as he stared at his idiot brother. Did he not realize that in the whole week she’d been here, not once had she gone near the water? It didn’t take a genius to figure out that she had some deep-seated fear of water.
He turned back to Sam and all remnants of her earlier blush washed away. Her cheeks looked bloodless and the narrow column of her throat worked as she repetitively swallowed.
Sam stepped out of Braydon’s reach and his brother’s fingers released her hair. “A fire sounds nice. Will everyone be there?”
“They should. You’re going, right, Colin?”
Colin remembered the last time he’d been at the lake with Samantha. He wondered if somehow her panic attack had to do with the fact that they were at the lake. Why had he not considered that? Although he planned on avoiding anything to do with Samantha, he worried that she may need him in case she had another episode. Lord knew Braydon wasn’t the best at detecting her discomfort.
“Yes, I’ll be there.”
She looked at him sharply, clearly not expecting his attendance.
“So you wanna go with me or the women today, babe?”
Colin gritted his teeth at his brother’s term of endearment. She’d obviously not spoken to him about their relationship yet. He was angry that in three days and nights she hadn’t taken an opportunity to clear the air with Braydon, but then again, her breaking up with his brother would change nothing about Colin’s situation.
“I’ll go with you. I just need to pull up my hair and grab my Chap Stick.”
Before she turned back into the room Colin caught a look at her mouth. Her lips were red as if she had been biting them. God he wanted to kiss and soothe those soft lips.
“I got to go,” he practically barked and turned toward the stairs.
“Hey, you all right, bro?”
“Fine,” he lied without looking back.
* * * *
Colin arrived at the lake shortly after suppertime. He dined at the rectory and spent most of the day painting the parish’s school hall. He figured he needed something to eat up his free time, so he volunteered for the project that morning and was elbow deep in eggshell paint by noon.
As he parked his Jeep he gripped the wheel and took a calming breath. He could do this. When he felt centered and in control he left the Jeep and headed toward the lake and into the limpid twilight. As he crested the bend of evergreens he could hear his family’s rowdy laughter. Just another bonfire like they had been having for the past twenty-nine years of his life. But his feeling of control was short lived.
Before his relatives even came into view he heard her. She was laughing at something with undisguised amusement. Her voice lilting from octave to octave like a bird song so pure it could be called a lullaby.
When he spotted her he regretted his presence immediately. This evening was guaranteed to torture him and test him in ways he’d never been tested.
She was with Kelly. Did all of his brothers have to touch her? Kelly had his arm around her shoulders and was speaking close to her ear as she looked forward as if imagining whatever he was describing and she smiled. She continued to laugh as his vagabond brother went on with an anecdote about God knew what.
She literally took his breath away. Her faded jeans showed off her long tapered legs. He loved the way she could look stunning in casual clothes. The temperature was dropping as darkness approached and she wore a dark blue Villanova hooded sweatshirt. Her feet were bare and the only thought Colin could process was
I wonder what color her toenails are painted?
He would bet either clear or a shell pink that was as close as one could get to clear.
He was so consumed with imagining her dainty feet he barely heard Luke and Tristan approach.
“I told you I would, babe. I’ll head to town tomorrow and pick it up and get it done this week.”
“Thanks. I’d do it myself, but I gotta get—”
The sound of footsteps halting had him shaking his head and peeling his eyes away from her.
“Oh hey, Colin. I didn’t see you standing there. What are you doing?”
Colin supposed he did look a bit odd standing in the approaching dark watching the others, but for some reason Luke’s question struck him as overly anxious. “I was just heading down there. Hey, Tristan. How ya’ doing?”
“Good, man.
You?”
Tristan was a fairly new arrival to their circle. He moved up here after being their cousin’s roommate in college. Tristan and his brother Luke had hit it off immediately and Colin was glad his brother had such a friend to bring him out of whatever dark place he had been heading toward.
“Good.”
Luke looked as though he wanted to ask something.
“What’s up, Luke? You look like you’re about to be sick.”
His brother gave an uncharacteristically fake laugh. Nervous was something Luke rarely was. Something had spooked him though.
“Uh, nothing. I’m gonna head down to say hi to the others. I’ll catch you later, Tristan. Colin.”
Colin looked at Tristan who appeared fed up. What just happened? “Is he all right?”
Tristan shook his head, but continued to watch Luke go. “Yeah, he’s just…Luke.”
Colin shrugged and headed toward the others.
It proved fairly easy to avoid Samantha with a group the size of the McCulloughs, but his traitorous mind continuously sought her out against all odds. By eleven, he sat brooding in a chair, nursing a beer that was piss warm, and watching her on the other end of the fire wrapped under a blanket with his brother Braydon. He ignored the sound of someone plopping down in the chair beside him.
“Hey, bro. What’s got you so down?”
He looked over at Kelly and knew his demeanor was the farthest thing from welcoming, but as always, Kelly was undeterred. He took a sip of his tepid beer.
Kelly gave a long ominous whistle. “Wow. Don’t usually see you in this mood. What happened?”
Colin ignored him as a fire raged in his chest when Braydon tried to pop a hot puffed marshmallow in Samantha’s mouth. She dodged his finger and took the morsel into her hands to eat.
“Colin?” The serious note in Kelly’s voice had him turning to face him. “Seriously, you okay?”
“I don’t know, Kelly. I don’t know what I am.”
Kelly eyed him with all seriousness. “What happened?”
He gave a deprecating laugh and shook his head. “I can’t talk about it.”
“You sure? You could tell me anything, Colin, and I’d never betray your trust or judge you. I love you, man.”
“Thanks. I love you, too. But this is something I need to figure out for myself.”
Kelly nodded solemnly. “Okay, but the offer still stands. You know, no one expects you to get it right all the time. You may be taking your vows, but you aren’t JC. No one’s perfect. It’s human to be unsure.”
“Thanks.”
About an hour later Colin had taken all he could take. Samantha dozed off, looking all too comfortable with her head resting on Braydon’s shoulder. He stood and went to say goodnight to his parents and the rest of them. He debated not saying goodbye to Braydon, but knew that was wrong. Steeling himself, he walked over to him and Sammy.
“You
takin
’ off, Col?”
“Yeah. I’ll see you in the morning.”
When Braydon reached up to shake his hand he jarred Samantha and woke her up. She sat up, looking groggy and stiff and frowned. As she turned her head she winced.
“I’ll see you, man,” Bray said.
“Are you leaving?” Samantha rasped in a drowsy voice that seemed to go right to his heart and other inappropriate places.
Whoa
. He needed to stop. His thoughts were getting worse by the day.
By the hour.
“Yeah. I’ve had enough.”
She stretched. “I think I’ve had enough too.”
Braydon pouted.
“Really?
The nights just getting started.”
“I can give you a ride back if you want,” Colin suggested, sounding all too eager to his own ears. Samantha eyed him skeptically. “That way Braydon can stay as long as he wants.”