Saint Nicholas (15 page)

“I’m good,” I said, my fingers fidgeting with one another. I guess he wasn’t the only one who was nervous. “How are you?”

He kept staring for a moment, and I watched as his smile quickly faded and he bit his bottom lip, fighting back the tears that were so obviously welling up in his eyes. I didn’t know what to do. How to react. Why was he crying? Was there something else? Did something happen?

I turned toward him and drew him close. He placed his head on my shoulder and sobbed, his body convulsing. I gently rubbed his back, offering him a safe place like he’d done so many times for me in the past. It was the least I could do.

“I’m sorry,” he told me a few minutes later. “It’s just…you have no idea how good it is to see you.”

I knew it was an emotional moment for the both of us, but the way he was reacting, there had to be more to his story.

And there was. He told me everything. About his writing, his career and how well it had been going, right up until his mother told him I was dead.

“I was a wreck inside,” he said, “and she knew it. Leaving you like that, it was the biggest mistake of my life, and she thought that by telling me you were gone—really gone—I’d be able to move on with things, but the truth is it only made it worse. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive her for that.”

I cupped my hand over my mouth, tears spilling down my fingers. Dead? All this time he thought I was dead. My God, no wonder he’d never tried to reach out before now.

“How did you find me?” I managed to ask.

He shrugged. “It was an accident, really. I was on Facebook looking at Angie’s profile and did a search for your name. You have to understand that up until twenty-four hours ago my life was on the verge of disintegration. I literally had nothing left to live for. So I just typed in your name and began scrolling, then I found you. I thought it was a joke, some cruel, sick joke that someone was playing on me, but you’re here, so…”

“It was no accident.”

That hung between us for a moment and he grinned. “No, it wasn’t, and if it was, it was the best damn accident I’ve ever been in.”

My mouth curled up into a soft smile and I cocked my head to the side, reaching forward to brush a lock of hair from his forehead. “I’m here,” I said.

He reached out and hugged me once more and I relished in him. Taking in every muscle, every twitch, every breath. When he let go, I wiped my eyes. I hadn’t cried this much in a long time.

Composed and sure of himself, Nicholas turned back toward the ledge, looking out over the area we used to call home. He pointed to a spot not far from the building. “Remember that?” he asked.

“How could I forget. That’s where you gave me my first poem.”

I glanced at him, admiring his profile and the way it looked in the shadow of night. His eyes flicked to mine briefly but looked away, like he was afraid he might cry again. I didn’t blame him. It was overwhelming being in the same spot we used to hang out at as kids. A spot that meant so much to both of us. Not five feet away was where I’d received my first kiss. A girl doesn’t forget things like that.

“What happened to you, Sarah? After.”

Talk about a loaded question. I knew we’d get into that all at some point, I just didn’t think it would be this soon.

I took a deep breath and laid it all out for him, talking about my overdose and how that led me to cleaning myself up. I told him about Carter, and how he’d become a great friend to me over the years and was helping me get Novel Idea off the ground.

“After all these years, huh?” Nicholas said.

“You’re not the only one who was hanging on,” I said. “I wanted to contact you over the years, I really did, but I was scared.”

“Scared? Why?”

“A lot of reasons. There’s a lot of history here, you know? I was afraid you’d reject me. Tell me to go to hell or something for the way I flunked out on us.”

“We were kids, Sarah. What the hell did we know?”

“I realize that now, but at the time it was a valid fear, you know? Christ, when I think about that day, about lying on the floor listening to that apartment door close behind you for the last time—it was devastating. I nearly killed myself after trashing my bedroom.”

“I’m so, so sorry,” he said. “I never should have—”

“You did what you had to do, and I don’t blame you one bit, Nicholas, and you don’t owe me an apology. I would have done the same thing.”

I saw his jaw clench shut. He was still beating himself up over it and I wished I could convince him that I truly understood why he’d left, but that was something only he could convince himself of.

“Another reason I didn’t contact you was because I was afraid I’d slip back into a relapse. Like I said, there’s a lot of history here, and not all of it’s good. I saw you as a trigger. That if we came face to face I’d feel like that scared little girl again and it would be too much and I’d turn back to the heroin.”

“And? How do you feel now?”

“I feel like that girl again, but in a way I didn’t expect.”

“What do you mean?”

I took another deep breath. I didn’t figure on our conversation going this way, but now that it was I had to let it out or else later on I might not get the chance.

“No one ever loved me like you did, Nicholas. Not before, or after. That’s some powerful stuff, and now that we’re standing here I just feel like her again, you know? Only without the fear and worry to go home to. It’s like we’re starting all over again with a clean slate.”

“Is that what we’re doing? Starting over again?”

My mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. Was that what I said? I really needed to start thinking before speaking, especially around him.

He laughed, “It’s okay, Sarah. I know what you mean. Don’t worry, I had no preconceived notions of taking you back to my apartment tonight and, well, doing all the things I wanted to do to you when we were kids.”

Too bad.

I bit my bottom lip, my eyes lighting up to express my curiosity, but didn’t go any further than that, and neither did he.

“I do know what you mean though, about starting over,” he said. “When I found you, a part of me that died a long time ago was resurrected. A part that’d forgotten how to live. How to love. It sparked something in me, Sarah, and I never want to be without it again.”

“Are you trying to make me cry again?” I asked, wiping my eyes.

We laughed and held each other. It felt wonderful to be able to just rest my head on his chest, listening to his heart racing. He wasn’t trying to hide it from me, and I liked that about him. He’d always been open and honest, even when we were kids. Knowing he was still that same person made it a hell of a lot easier to move forward.

“Can I show you something?” he whispered.

“Of course.”

He pulled away from me and took a step back, unzipping his hoodie. Oh. My. God. Was he a stripper now? Was that what he was demonstrating?

I watched as he removed the garment and stood before me, shirtless. I inhaled sharply. Even in the dark I could see every part of him. His six pack, his pecks, his biceps. It was like they were cut from granite. I instantly felt weak in the knees, and a patch of moisture begin to develop between my legs.

“I thought you said you had no preconceived notions about taking me back to your apartment,” I said with just the faintest tremble to my voice.

“We’re not at my apartment,” he winked.

Holy shit. Did he really mean—

And then he turned around. I blinked, unsure of what I was seeing. I took a step forward toward his wide back, wanting to reach out and touch it to see if it was real.

“I got this after I thought you were gone from my life for good.”

It was a tattoo. A big tattoo, stretching from the nape of his neck all the way down to the small of his back. An intricate Irish cross with the middle bar going across each shoulder blade, and on it in a beautiful calligraphic font was my name. Sarah.

The tips of my fingers danced around the surface of it, brushing lightly across his skin. I could feel the heat radiating off of it like a furnace, and I placed my palm in the center of the tattoo, feeling his muscles tense at my touch.

If there was any doubt left in my mind about how much this man loved me, it was washed away with the tears that streamed down my cheeks.

“I—I don’t know what to say,” I blubbered.

He looked back over his shoulder at me. “Just say we won’t wait any longer.”

“Any longer for what?”

He spun and took my face, staring straight into my eyes. I gasped at his warm hands on my skin as my own flesh tingled with nervous anticipation. I knew what was coming, and I didn’t want to stop him.

I didn’t want to wait any longer, either.

His lips crashed into mine. A soft moan escaped my throat and I instinctively placed my hands on his bare shoulders before sliding one back around and cupping it at the nape of Nicholas’ neck, feeling every goosebump on him. His fingers rummaged through my hair as he parted my mouth open with his tongue, finding mine in a hungry, wet embrace as I drank him in. He tasted just like I remembered and in a breath of passion I pressed my body up against his, never wanting this moment to end. Seven years was a long time to wait for the one who got away to be caught, and I had no plans on letting him go ever again.

I just hoped he still felt the same after learning about the secret I was keeping at home.

TWENTY

-
Nicholas
-

I couldn’t have asked for anything more. Kissing her was like kissing the lips of an angel, but if we kept going I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop. The bulge in my pants flexed against her, and I knew she could feel it with our bodies pressed against one another. Heck, I wanted her to feel it. There was no sense in hiding my feelings anymore. This was the moment I’d been waiting seven years for.

We separated, both of us panting for air. Her arms were still wrapped around my neck and I welcomed her touch, her scent, everything. I wanted it all. I rested my forehead against hers, staring into Sarah’s eyes. Drowning in them.

“Wow,” she whispered.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know that’s a little fast, but I just couldn’t wait another second to kiss you.”

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. “I’m glad you did, but—”

“Slow. I know.”

She nodded, looking back up at me. “It’s just, I don’t want to rush into anything. I want us to get to know one another again. Does that make sense?”

“It does. I mean, in a way it feels as if no time has passed between us at all and nothing’s changed, but—”

“Everything’s changed.”

I grinned, thinking how adorable it was that we were already able to finish each other’s thoughts. We’d always had a connection, and after all this time it was comforting to know the bond between us had never faltered.

We released our hold on one another and stepped back toward the ledge. It was coming up on 2 A.M. and I stifled a yawn. I couldn’t help it. The adrenaline and excitement of everything was starting to catch up to me, making my body feel like it was coming down off a sugar high.

“Am I boring you?” she asked, nudging me playfully on the shoulder.

“Never,” I said.

“So what happens now?”

“Now I take you to dinner.”

She raised an eyebrow at me. “A little late for that, isn’t it? Breakfast, maybe?”

Confused, I crinkled my brow.

“Oh,” she said, “you didn’t mean right now, did you?”

“No, I mean yes. I mean…would you like to go get breakfast?”

Sarah smiled, shrugging her shoulders expectantly at me. “Kinda,” she teased.

I couldn’t have been happier. I didn’t want this night to end, so I took her by the hand and led her back down to the street, where were searched for an all-night diner and a corner booth. Seated across from one another, we placed our orders.

“You’re staring,” she said after a couple of minutes.

I was. I couldn’t help it. Seeing her in the light, looking into her eyes, she was even more beautiful than I could have possibly imagined. Her hair still had that same caramel color to it, only now it was straight and long. The tiny dimple on her chin begged to be kissed, and when she smiled it lit up my heart in a way I’d never thought possible.

“Sorry,” I winked. “I have an appreciation for beautiful things.”

She blushed, and reached out to take my hand. “Still sweet.”

The waitress brought our food and we ate in relative silence, just taking one another in for a while. When we finished we pushed our plates to the side and got a refill on our coffees.

“So tell me about Novel Idea,” I said.

“Well, it’s a bookstore, obviously, but I’d like it to be so much more than that, you know? A place for people to come and hang out, do readings and signings, have coffee, browse. Maybe even have desserts. I’d like it to be an experience, and not just another place that sells books.”

“That sounds awesome.”

“It is, I just hope I can make it work. Carter’s been helping me a lot, doing up budgets and stuff, figuring out what I’ll need to get started. I just hope I’m able to get a small business loan, otherwise I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“So, you and Carter. Are you guys…?”

“No, absolutely not.”

“Never?”

“He’s gay, Nicholas.”

I laughed at my own insecurities. It’d been less than four hours and already I wanted her all to myself, but I couldn’t expect Sarah to just drop her life and come running into my arms. Still, the selfish side of me would’ve liked to whisk her away to a tropical island and never come back.

“What about you?” she asked. “Is there anyone special in your life?”

I shook my head, looking down into my coffee cup.

“Never?” she grinned, replaying my words for me.

“Never,” I said. “After you, no one could compare.”

She shifted in her seat and looked away, and I worried that maybe I’d overstepped whatever boundaries there were between us. “Does that make you nervous?” I asked.

“No, not at all. I like it. It’s just, there’s something else I need to tell you, before we go to far.”