Saint's Sacrament - Sins of the Father (72 page)

“Yes, I do know…” Osaze said thoughtfully.
He glanced over at the shrine that existed no more. All that remained was one picture of Min Jae and her favorite necklace. He’d packed the other artifacts away, ready to start out fresh and new. He’d done it earlier that morning—after the couch arrived, he lit the final stick of incense. He’d looked at the new couch, then back at Min Jae, then at the new couch once again. The new couch represented his new life, his new lady, and Min Jae would always be his first love, but…it was time to stop this. He cried during the process because that shrine had been up since Saint was a teenager. It was a fixture in his home, just like a window or the front door, but it had to end, and the change had to begin from within.

“I tried to tell her many times what I was but she shrugged it off. Sh
e thought I was a nut. And then she did the unthinkable. She cheated on me with a good friend of mine, or I thought he was. Just more proof that being psychic doesn’t always protect you from this kind of agony.” Jagger turned away then shot a hurt-filled expression back at Osaze. The darn thing was almost an entity of its own, and it burned Osaze’s heart. He could feel Jagger’s pent up pain pouring and pooling into the small area as they talked. The man’s eyes were changing, the color of hurt lurking deep within them. “To make matters worse, she got pregnant. She told me the baby was mine but…I knew that baby wasn’t mine, I could feel it. I didn’t want to lose my mind and if I was wrong, I didn’t want to lose the child by making accusations and honestly, I didn’t want to lose her either, even after all she’d done.”

“Jagger, you loved her. You loved the wrong person, but we sometimes don’t think clearly during times like these.”

“I wasn’t easy to be with. I was a workaholic and I sometimes treated her like she wasn’t even there. I wasn’t the perfect husband, she said I didn’t express myself enough, but I loved her…I really loved her, you are right.”

Both men were quiet for some time before Jagger began again.

“Then, uh, when it was confirmed that Mason wasn’t mine, I still tried to stick it out, like some glutton for abuse. I’ve never been so stupid in my life. Love made me stupid, and I didn’t want any part of it ever again so when Saint wanted me to date and meet someone, I wasn’t trying to hear it.”

“Yes, my son, the perpetual match maker.” Osaze laughed.

Jagger smiled and nodded in agreement.

“But, he
knew it was all an act. I did want to date, I was just jaded. He found me someone that I really dug. We clicked! On every level. She’s a good woman, like Xenia…like…Saint’s mother, I imagine.” Osaze returned his smile.

“Saint knew my type
.” He chuckled. “She’s smart, and caring. And…I know she wants to get married. She keeps dropping hints and I keep skirting around it, like I don’t hear her. But…I can’t marry her until I tell her the truth. That…that wouldn’t be right. She should have the right to decide if she wants to be with me or not. I tried to tell my ex, she blew me off, so I was off the hook but…Traci isn’t like that. She won’t let me say something like that and just walk away, at least not at first. She is going to want me to explain myself, and that…that is where things will get hairy.”

“It doesn’t have to be, Jagger. If she is all the things you say she is, then you have a chance she will respond just as Kyung Mi ha
s. Isn’t that why you’re here? Isn’t that why you’re talking to me right now because you needed to see for your own self that the woman is still with me after the great reveal?” He patted Jagger’s back.

“Yes…I suppose so and…just to hear your take on it. Thank you.
I used to wish Lawrence’s father was my father. I always wanted the good dads of my friends to be my dad, too. Sometimes I’d even get jealous and I feel that way sorta right now. You’re a nice man, Mr. Aknaten. I wish…” Jagger swallowed. “I wish Saint and I were
really
brothers sometimes, and I had you as a Dad instead of Paul, the drunken bastard.” He said the last words under his breath.

“You stop right there.
” Osaze made the man look at him. “What you see between Saint and me is a new development, Jagger. I may not have been a drunk, but I was quite neglectful to my son.”

Jagger looked at Osaze in shock.

“Yes, it’s true. I was emotionally abusive to my son, my
only
son. I have only recently been able to come to terms with it, what I’d done, because I had to, if I wanted him back in my life. Saint, like you, was a powerful child. Both of you have strong personalities, and as you know, Saint can be quite silly at times. Well, his personality didn’t mesh well with mine and Saint has always been rebellious. It got to the point where I’d have to tell him the opposite of what I wanted him to do, just to get the results I looked for.”

Jagger burst out laughing, causing Osaze to grin.

“It’s true. It worked for a while until he caught on. Saint is an ass, but I love him, and he is a good person.”

They both laughed together that time.

“He is obnoxious, but kind. He is arrogant, but very intelligent. He is now humble, and that is because he has grown as a person, and I believe also because Xenia is in his life and he is a father. Saint is the type of father you would have wanted, Jagger, not me. I will say this though,”—his gaze met Jagger’s and he tried to find the right words for the troubled man without telling all of Saint’s secrets—“I will not disclose his personal business to you, but believe me, the thought of losing a woman you love, he has experienced. Whatever advice he has given you, Jagger, listen to him. He knows what it feels like to be afraid of losing someone and he lost his mother, a very good, wonderful woman. And look at what just happened?

“He almost lost Xenia. You should have heard him when he was first at the hospital. I didn’t recognize my son, he was losing his mind then—and I knew
, if my daughter-in-law died, my son would go with her. He might be still breathing, but he’d be no good. He’d try to carry on for his children, but the fun-loving Saint that laughs and smiles all the time, I don’t believe we’d see him anymore. Saint has been through a lot, and part of that was my fault.

“
He lost his father, too, but I was still alive, and that’s what hurt him the most. I wanted nothing to do with him!” Osaze threw up his hand. “He’d become too much to handle. I kicked him out several times. He’d be in his room smoking pot, or sneaking girls into the house or being disrespectful. He had a sharp tongue. I used to be astounded at the awful things he’d say to me, but all that anger was a cover up; he was depressed, Jagger. He just wanted me to love him. He’d lost his mother in a tragic accident, and he couldn’t even talk to me about his feelings regarding that loss. They were very close. Saint was a mama’s boy. He was just striking out because he felt all alone. At the time, I didn’t realize this.” He sighed. “We fought constantly, and sometimes it was my fault. Sometimes, I went gunning for him because I was afraid to lose him, but all I was doing was pushing him further away.”

Jagger nodded. “I never knew this. With the way you behave around one another, I thought you were always close.”

“No, and it takes time. We are still not one hundred percent; Saint still carries a bit of a grudge. He’d never admit to it, but I can feel it. It’s because I’d done so much damage to his self esteem, and that isn’t anything a person can forget, but he is honestly trying. I would tell him he’d never amount to anything.” Osaze sniffed and looked away, his heart heavy at the memory. “I told him he was a horrible person, the son of the devil. I even told him once that he was stupid. Saint has never been stupid. He’s done stupid things at times, but that was just an awful thing to say to a child, and I still have a hard time forgiving myself for it. I said appalling things to him, things that could destroy a young boy. Min Jae had a special way with him. He was still raising hell, but he was more settled when she was around. I was an angry man—angry that my wife was gone, that I was stuck raising the boy all-alone and then that I wasn’t raising him at all…the streets were. I was angry that he was involved in very bad things. I was angry at myself for not finding a way to keep my family together. I was angry about so many things, many of which weren’t even in my control!

“Saint
did all the rebelling he did because I wasn’t there, but I can tell you this much,”—Osaze looked at Jagger seriously, his eyes narrowed on the big man—“I’m there for him now, and I only have one son, but I wouldn’t mind having another.” He put his hand lovingly around Jagger’s shoulder. “I’m sorry your father was so terrible to you, and I’m not a prize either, but I can do the best I can. I can be here for you. You’ve already treated me like a father, Jagger. You came with Saint, as a brother would, to protect both of us. You treat my grandchildren like they are your niece and nephews. Xenia raves about how those children love you and one day, you will marry and have your own children and I can just tell, you will be a dynamic father, despite the bad example that was set.”

Jagger looked way, blushing, and smiled.

“When I met you for the first time, you were helping to protect my daughter-in-law and her children from my family members. I knew then that you were a great person. You’re fearless, you are a soldier, Jagger. You’re powerful, you’re strong, and being in love doesn’t make you weak, it makes you a force to be reckoned with. I felt my best when I was in love with Saint’s mother, and now, I’m in love with someone else, after all this time. It sounds strange for me to even say that, to hear it come out of my mouth. I never believed I’d fall in love again, but I have. I was afraid, like you, to let love in again. I believed no one would measure up to Min Jae. I never gave a woman a chance. I never even thought about dating. But then, I had to accept that I needed companionship and couldn’t go on this way. I enjoyed being married; it was an important part of my life. I didn’t enjoy being a father, initially, and Saint suffered for it. That boy, my child, he is…” Osaze’s eyes watered, and he quickly wiped his face with the back of his hand. “The best thing that woman ever gave me!” His voice trembled as he pointed at the photo of his beloved Min Jae. “And I squandered it, threw it away. Saint was in the midst of some pretty heavy stuff, Jagger.”

Jagger nodded
. “Yeah, I heard. He told me something about it. What was he doing that was so awful? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“He was running with guys that everyone on this damn planet should’ve been afraid of.
Jagger, the Bronx back then was quite dangerous and there my little six-year-old son was, running with gang bangers, junkies, and pimps. At the time, I had no idea why these people, these adults, would let a little kid hang around them, but I know now—because Saint has a special magic about him! He was one of the few children they let near them. It was an odd thing to see, and it made me quite angry, naturally, but people trusted him, even as a little boy. Everyone who was open to him could feel and see it. He made people feel important, people the world had shitted on. He looked up to these guys who beat up people, killed, robbed and sold women because they shared their time with him and they had money, flashy clothes, ladies—all the stuff so many people covet. Like a lot of the poor kids there, Saint wanted that, too. I didn’t have much money, he wanted some. Saint likes nice things. Anyone who looks at him and goes inside his home can see that. He has always been that way, this isn’t anything new. We didn’t have money for name brand stuff all the time. He also had started liking girls at a fairly early age, and these guys had women all around them.

“T
hey were the father that I wasn’t and for the rest of my life, I will have to come to grips with the fact that I let these sorts of people raise my child! I’m no Paul, but I wasn’t much better, so put no halo on me, Jagger.” Tears felt hot streaming down his face. “I may not have hit his mother, but I broke her heart with how I treated our son. I gotta live with that guilt, as well. Saint just wanted my attention, to be loved. He was looking for me in bars, strip clubs, bags of weed, alcohol and in promiscuous, non-loving sex. He was looking for his father, just like you were looking for your father by trying to become a father to everyone! Even to a little boy that wasn’t yours. But…I’m trying as hard as I can to make it up to that boy,
my
boy…though he is a man now.”

“
I’m…I’m speechless. Look how sincere you are? Look how you are man enough to admit your mistakes. Saint really looks up to you, Mr. Aknaten. I understand what you’re telling me, and I’m a little surprised, but I know he wants you in his life. He talks about you all the time and I’m glad you two had a second chance.”

“What about
your
father? Could you have a second chance with him as well?”

Jagger frowned and shook his head. “No. He’s done too much damage and he doesn’t want to change.
He’s not remorseful. In his book, he was the perfect father and my brothers and I are ungrateful. I refuse to speak to him anymore. He broke my mother’s arm, bloodied her face, and tortured my brothers. I had to kick his ass a couple of times for him to leave ’em alone.” Jagger drifted away, going somewhere that Osaze couldn’t follow. “No, that’s done. I’ve accepted that I don’t have a father.” He ran his finger over the stitching in the couch beside his leg. He was boiling in his own pain, and it broke Osaze’s heart.

Osaze swallowed, reached over and patted
Jagger on his shoulder. “You do. If you want me, you have one
now
…”