Salvation and Secrets (4 page)

The devastation that reflected in his eyes as he stared back at me.

Chapter 4

~JACKSON~

"What's eating you? You've had a stick up your ass all fucking week. Knock it off, you're starting to piss me off," Braiden spat out.

"He needs to get some. Calms me down every time," Kyler chimed in, and my fist clenched at my side.

We had only been back at CFA for two weeks, but it was two weeks too long. Fourteen whole days of searching her out everywhere I went, of scanning the student crowds and hoping to catch just a glimpse.

First day of classes, I walked into Peterson's class and it was like all my fucking dreams had come true. Ana was sitting with her back to me, fiddling with something on the desk. It was perfect; I could sit in the back and keep an eye on her. But the dream quickly became a nightmare when the only empty seat was at the same cluster of desks she was at. I was fucked. Watching her from afar was one thing but sitting almost next to her—it was too damn much. Then our eyes had collided and pain ripped through my chest. Her eyes were like two empty voids staring back at me. And it was all my fault.

"Pierce, wake the fuck up. We need your head in the game. With Calder on the rampage for blood, the last thing I need is you on your freaking period."

The guys laughed at Braiden's words, but I just glared at him, feeling my jaw tick. Our friendship had been strained for a while, but since the shit with Ana, things were even more tense, and all the guys felt it.

That night back in May, I told Braiden that I would choose Ana over him, and I had meant it. If I thought I could keep her safe from the shit storm he would rain down on us, I would have walked. I would have scooped Ana up and got the hell out of there.

"Why, Braiden? Just tell me why?"

Braiden slammed his fist against the wooden rail and the whole thing shook. "You think I'm going to let some little whore come between us. Between our family? You should know better."

"I'm in love with her. I. Love. Her, Braid," I pleaded, trying to ignore the rage bubbling in my stomach and threatening to spill out.

"I don't give a shit if she has a golden fucking pussy, she will not come between us. You will go back in there and end it."

I stared at him. At the guy I had grown up with. My best friend, my brother. Over the years, he had changed. But then again, we both had.

I shook my head and my eye socket burned from where Braiden’s fist had cracked it earlier. "It'll break her. I can't. Don't make me do this. She won’t talk. Ana isn’t like that."

Braiden stepped up close, our noses almost touching. He was pissed, the quick rise and fall of his chest a giveaway. "I'll fucking break her if you don't. Don't test me on this, Jackson. You should remember where you come from. You're a Donohue, maybe not by blood, but you are. And Donohues don't turn their back on family. Ever.

“Don't you give a shit about Dad? About what it would do to him if you picked her over me? Over us? It would crush him. After everything he's done for you. Everything he's given you!"

I slumped back against the cabin wall and sighed. He was right; it would crush Uncle Marcus, and I owed him everything.

Slamming my eyes shut, I pictured Ana. The first time I'd seen her, I knew I wouldn't be able to walk away from her. Just like I knew it would ruin us... both.

"You have to back off. Forget her. If I do this, it ends, Braiden. The threats, Briony, that fuck Chad. All of it." My chest cracked as I said the words, sealing my fate.

Braiden's lips started to curl up in a smirk and I wanted nothing more than to drive my fist into his face. "Done."

"Fine," I gritted out before pushing off the wall and turning to head back into Ana, but Braiden called out to me. "And Pierce?" I turned back to look at him. "I won't forget this."

I nodded, spun on my heels, and yanked open the door. "Neither will I."

Braiden knew me better than I knew myself. He knew that my loyalty to Uncle Marcus and need to protect Ana would back me into a corner. Braiden knew he had me right where he wanted me—by the balls. He owned me. And knew it.

"So, what do we do about Calder? We have a plan yet?" Dennis' voice echoed around the room.

Braiden dragged a hand over his jaw and hissed out a breath. "We wait. We have problems at home to sort first. Coach Parker is determined to weed out drugs on the team this year. Went head to head with Principal Kellar on the matter..."

"Weed out, that shit’s funny, man." Shaun was too busy laughing at himself to notice the pen flying toward him. It grazed his cheek, and he snapped at Braiden, "Fuck man, you nearly took out my eye."

"Well, grow up and pay attention. Coach might not be able to do much without the principal’s support, but he could grow a pair and go higher."

"He wouldn't risk it. Your dad would fire him on the spot."

Braiden glared at Travis. Sure, we all knew Marcus Donohue owned most of the staff on the CFA faculty, but it wasn't something we ever spoke about.

Noticing the rage rolling off Braiden's expression, Travis shuffled uncomfortably on his feet and said, "Hmm, sorry. My bad. I just meant it isn't worth it, is it?"

"Coach has a stick up his ass. He's nearing early retirement, wants to make a stand, and all that bullshit! He could make things difficult for us this year. We have to be more discreet."

"Shit, we're already discreet. How much more cloak and dagger can it get?" Dennis asked.

"Pierce? Care to join us? Or are you going to sulk over there all fucking day?"

I stepped out of the shadows and moved into the center of the room. "You slap a zero-tolerance drug policy on the team. They'll listen to you."

A couple of the guys snickered, but I ignored them, my eyes trained on Braiden. I could see him trying to work out what angle I was playing. After a few seconds, his eyes narrowed before widening. "Jackson's right, I give the drugs-are-bad speech, you guys find me a couple of new hands to keep dealing with no comeback on me, and Coach lays off us for a while."

Fuck
. That wasn't quite what I expected to happen. But then, of course, Braiden's first thought would be to keep things business as usual—he'd just find someone else to do his dirty work.

I hated the drugs. Despised it. I had done some pretty fucked-up things over the last few years, but I never touched any of that shit. People lost control when they were high, and one thing I couldn't ever afford to lose was my control.

When I found out that they had drugged Ana, I almost blew a gasket. After leaving her, I returned to the house, dragged Chad out of bed, and beat him pretty bad. A couple of the guys had to pull me off him and haul him to the medical center. He was off the team after that—my final condition of Braiden’s terms. Choosing to take that shit was one thing but forcing it down someone else’s throat was the lowest of the low. I could overlook what Braiden had done to
me
—best friends, brothers, we fought all the time, but what he had done to Ana, what he allowed to happen to Ana... it was unforgivable.

And that was exactly the reason why I knew we were on borrowed time before things between us reached their expiration point.

~

“Tell me again why we have to go eat with them?” Kyler sounded disgusted at the idea of sitting with the regular student body in the cafeteria.

“Because, dipshit, Dad thinks I need to stamp my authority on the place a little more. Show my face more. No one made you come.”

Kyler dropped his head and muttered something about not being that bothered
. Suck ass.
Some of the guys were so far up Braiden’s ass that it was hard to see where he ended and they began.

Heads started turning the minute we entered the room. People dropped their lunch and some even gaped with their mouths half full. I rolled my eyes. There was a time I had lapped it up—the attention, the girls—but that shit grew tiring pretty quick. Braiden cracked his knuckles next to me and whispered, “Let’s have some fun.” And I followed his line of sight, cursing under my breath.

A couple of freshmen were seated at our table. Although we rarely ate in the cafeteria, there was always one table left empty for us. Just in case.

“Braiden, don’t,” I hissed, but he just patted me on the back. “Lighten up; I’ll go easy on them.”

The couple’s eyes widened as we reached them and the girl nudged the geeky guy, whispering something in his ear. He looked right at us, and I had to give the guy credit. Most guys pissed their pants when they saw Braiden look their way.

“Hmm, can we help you?” The dude sounded like he was about to cry.

“Help us? Guys, he wants to know if he can help
us.
”

Kyler and Shaun exploded with laughter. I scanned the room and all eyes were trained on us—everyone wondered what Braiden would do next.

“Can you? Help us?” Braiden lowered his head to the girl and breathed her in. “Your girl smells sweet.”

The guy wrapped his arm around her and pulled her away from Braiden, trying to shield her.

“She can help me any day of the week. What do you say? Up for sharing?”

My hand reached around Braiden’s chest and anchored him back. I relaxed slightly when Braiden lifted his hands in surrender. “I’m done. You two fuck off.”

The couple scrambled out of the seats and hurried out of the door while the guys taunted them. The whole thing made me want to puke. I slumped down into the chair and stared out across the room. A low hum of whispers echoed around the room. One thing people had come to expect of Braiden was a show—and he never disappointed. Most of them lapped it up or were indifferent, wanting to avoid getting on the wrong side of Braiden. Then my eyes found a face that looked as sick as I felt.

Ana was sitting nestled between Elena and Paul. My synapses fired up watching him brush her arm with his, but she wasn’t giving him the time of day. Her eyes were looking straight at me, the disgust on her face evident. Even pissed she was beautiful. No make-up or overly styled hair; never made up to be something she wasn’t. Ana was real. No matter how hard she tried to hide; she wore her feelings for all to see. I think that was what drew me to her in the first place. And right now, anger was rolling off her in waves. I didn’t need to be close to her to feel it. I could see it. The way her lips pursed slightly and her eyes narrowed. The tense muscles around her jaw. I let myself hold her stare, drawing her in. I was playing a dangerous game; Braiden was to my left, and if he looked around slightly, he would witness everything. But I couldn't look away without trying to show her that I didn’t like it, either. That I hated being a part of it. I needed her to know that.

She had to know.

Chapter 5

~ANA~

Over the next few weeks, I made it my mission to avoid Jackson at all costs. And if I couldn't avoid him, I would just pretend like he wasn't there. After seeing him in the cafeteria, seeing the emotion in his eyes, it was too much. He had left me. Chosen them over me, or at least, that was what it had felt like. He couldn't care about me that much or he wouldn't have ruined me. He wouldn't. It made no sense.

So, instead of spending all of my time analyzing whatever the hell it was he was trying to tell me through his eyes, I forced myself to forget. I pushed Jackson Pierce, and any memories of him, into the recesses of my mind and locked them tightly away. I had to find a way to survive CFA because going back to Fort Pierce was not an option—and I had nowhere else.

"Chica, let’s go. The guys are waiting."

I groaned and pushed myself up off the bed.
Time to rip off the Band-Aid.
"Coming, I'm coming," I called to Elena, who was already out of the door.

Pulling the door shut behind me, Elena grabbed my hand, swinging it in hers. "You ready?" My shoulders shrugged. "As I'll ever be."

Elena had spent a whole week talking me into going to the first game of the season. At first, I had laughed in her face thinking she must be crazy, but eventually she broke me, dragging Tyson and Paul into her persuade-Ana-to-come plan. I figured it was just easier to go. It would be crowded and I could blend—disappear into the masses. That was my plan anyway.

"There's my girl." Tyson stalked toward Elena as we stepped out of McGinley. "Papi," she shrieked when he lifted her up and slung her over his shoulder. A year on and they were still in the it-was-all-new-and-exciting phase.

Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I smiled weakly at Paul. He shuffled his feet and opened his mouth to say something but decided against it and just smiled back. Then he said, "I heard Chad Decker's off the team."

My whole body stiffened and Elena narrowed her eyes at me from underneath Tyson's arm.

"Something about an injury. The team will miss him in defense. That guy is like a wall. Sure they have Pie- hmm, I mean, umm…” Paul sputtered, his eyes looking any way but at me. “…other defensive players, but Chad was like a steel wall."

"Dude, you said that already," Tyson grunted.

My feet carried me forward, but I was battling with the memories that wanted to burst through the fortress containing them.
Shut it out; shut them all out.

Elena discreetly reached for my hand and squeezed it. I managed to force a smile, suddenly wondering if the game was such a good idea, after all.

"Portland is tough. We might not win, not without Deck-"

"Oh look, they painted." Elena stumbled over her lame distraction, but I owed her.

"Baby, did I ever tell you that you're a little bit loco." Tyson squeezed her waist and Elena dropped my hand, busy attending to her guy.

"Seriously you two, you're like fucking rabbits. I have to listen to that shit all night; can I at least get a break in public?" Paul moaned.

Tyson turned his head slightly, laughing. "Jealous?"

Paul's eyes flashed to me, but I dropped my head to avoid eye contact. He kept saying he could be there for me just as a friend, but his actions were saying something completely different.

We filed into the stadium with the rest of CFA. It was crazy loud, the PA system blasting out announcements. The teams were yet to enter centerfield, which meant I could breathe for just a while longer.

Somehow, I ended up at the end of the row wedged between Paul and a total stranger. I curved my head around Paul to catch Elena's eye, but she was too wrapped up in Tyson to notice.
Perfect
.

"So, how are classes?" Paul offered me his soda, but I shook my head.

"Okay, I guess."

"Cool."

I lifted my head and stared straight out. Everyone was here for them. The team. The Fallen. They were as much a part of CFA as the Donohues. And now that Braiden was captain, things were bigger than ever.

"So, hmm, do you think you'll go to the Halloween party at Fallen House?"

"No."
Not a chance, never happening. Not even if my life depends on it.

Paul's leg was shaking rhythmically, like an irritating tapping. "Because of him?"

My eyes whipped around to meet his and I stared at him, a little surprised. No one ever asked me about Jackson except Elena, and even then, she didn't always get an answer. But as I looked at Paul, his eyes softened. He wasn't nosy or prying, he was concerned.

"Yeah, among other things."

"Maybe we can do something at the house. Umm, we… I mean us, the guys, and you and Elena."

A laugh bubbled up. Watching Paul get so tongue-tied was always funny, even if it was a little awkward. His cheeks stained with embarrassment, and I felt sorry for him. Before I could stop myself, the words tumbled out. "Yeah, maybe."

I silently thanked the universe when he nodded casually, hoping he hadn’t mistaken my pity for interest. We would never be more than friends. But right now, I needed friends.

The crowd erupted as the opening beats to Thirty Seconds to Mars played out and the team entered the field. I didn’t want to look, but my eyes betrayed me, watching with a mind of their own as the white, green, and black jerseys stalked forward. Braiden led them like an army going into battle. There was no denying their togetherness—they were a unit. And Jackson was second in command.

He walked side by side with Braiden, their shoulders touching, helmets hanging at their opposite sides. Braiden was taller by a couple of inches, and the contrast of his blond hair and icy eyes made him look fierce, but Jackson had something about him. Maybe it was his posture, or the way his jaw ticked rhythmically as his eyes focused straight ahead, but he looked like the kind of guy you wouldn’t want to piss off. The kind of guy you would want on your side.

"Chip?" Paul nudged me with his shoulder and my body lurched, ripped from its infatuated state.

I shook my head and refocused my eyes on the field. The other team was entering now, and the visiting crowd was cheering. They had nothing on the roar of CFA, though. The Fallen had gathered by their benches, the coach going through last-minute plays with the key players. Some of the guys were wrapped around the cheerleaders, and my eyes fell on Briony as she sashayed over to Jackson and pressed up against him, deliberately pushing her chest into him. He stood rigidly, but when her arm snaked around his waist, his head dropped and he smiled at her.

He used to look at me like that
. My stomach plummeted and I wanted to run. Instead, I dug my nails into the scar on my wrist. The pain sliced through me, but I breathed through it, needing the sensation to ground me. Needing something to replace the heartache tearing me up inside.

I had started that habit back up over the summer—the need to replace the pain of the memories with something physical. After the accident, people kept telling me that life would go on. That I would move on. But if they had felt an ounce of the grief eating away at my existence, they would have never said such a stupid thing. The painful memories started to consume me, and one day it all got to be too much. I scratched my nails into the skin on the inside of my thigh until it bled, but I felt it. Felt the instant relief, like I could breathe, if only just for a second. Soon, I needed a longer fix, and I started replaced my fingers with anything I could find sharp enough.

It took months of therapy to douse the urges, and it was all undone the minute I stepped back into Fort Pierce. Everything came flooding back after leaving Chastity Falls. But the guilt soon replaced my brief high, and I promised myself that I would stop. Told myself that as soon as I stepped back through the gates of the Academy I would find a new way to cope. The only problem was that my coping mechanism had become the source of my anxiety...Jackson.

"Hey, Ana, are you okay?"

I blinked and demanded my lips crack a smile. "Fine, I'm fine."

Paul regarded me for a second, his brown eyes boring into me, searching for the truth. I pursed my lips further, trying to show him that I was okay, and my body sagged when he nodded and turned his attention back to the game. How could I have been so stupid? To lose it like that in public?

Fear rose up, sweeping through me like wild rapids, and I clutched my chest. My eyes darted to the end of our row. I needed to get the hell out of there.

My hand brushed Paul aside, as I flung myself forward, ignoring the look of bewilderment on his Paul's face.

I ignored the looks and the disgruntled moans as I stumbled over people's feet. I ignored it all. Finally, I reached the turnstile and crashed through it, vaguely aware of someone calling my name. But the pounding of my pulse in my ears drowned it out, and I kept running.

"Ana, wait up. Wait." Paul caught up with me just as my feet hit the path cutting back through the forest. "Christ, you sure move fast," he said, jogging beside me to keep up. "Wanna talk about it?"

My legs started to slow. I didn't know if it was my body crashing from the anxiety attack, or the fact Paul had been concerned enough to follow me, but I slowed to halt.

Trying to get my breath, I stared out into the forest wondering how many secrets it housed. Since coming to CFA, that was all my life had been. It was supposed to be my salvation. And I had thought it was when Jackson walked into my life.

"Ana?"

I looked up and Paul smiled. "What happened back there?"

"I panicked." It came out barely a whisper, as the image of Jackson smiling at Briony replayed in my head.

"What did he do to you?"

My eyes fluttered downward, and I fought against the tears threatening to spill out—if they came, they would consume me.

“Ana, what did he do? Talk to me, please.”

“He ruined me.” The words lingered between us, and then Paul stepped closer to me and wrapped me in his arms, holding me close.

At first I tensed, aware of the unfamiliarity of his touch. No one had touched me, except Elena, since Jackson. And Aunt Betsy when she caught me off guard and pulled me into a hug once. It felt strange. Alien. But in Paul's arms, I felt safe. Felt like I didn’t have to carry the burden by myself.

I closed my eyes and relaxed into him, and let go.

~

“You sure we can’t dress up? It’s not Halloween without costumes.” Elena pouted and I balled up a sheet of paper and threw it at her. “Ow, bitch!”

“No costumes. It’s not a party; it’s just a gathering. With candy and maybe the odd pumpkin. I told Paul that I don’t want to make a big deal.”

“You told Paul, huh?” She wiggled her eyebrows and I bristled, not liking the inflection in her words.

“Yes, I told Paul. No big deal.”

Elena scoffed. “You know he has it bad for you, like major jonesing, right?”

My head dropped back onto the headboard and I groaned. “I’ve told you, nothing is going to happen with us. Not after everything. Besides, I’ve made it clear to him. Friends only.”

“And he’s okay with that?”

“He said he was. Elena, I can’t worry about this shit right now. I have enough on my mind.”

Elena came and dropped onto the bed next to me. She grabbed my hand, resting it in her lap. “I’m sorry.” Her eyes softened. “We’re all here for you. Me, Ty, and Paul. Hell, even Nate and Jamie. No more Paul talks, I swear. My brain and mouth aren’t connected sometimes. But things are going okay, right? With classes?”

They were going—I got up, went to class, and did the assignments, but were they going okay? I hadn’t figured that part out yet, but I nodded and smiled.

“So, what are we waiting for? Let’s go make ourselves sick on candy and laugh at the guys while they make total asses of themselves.”

We arrived at the guys’ house twenty minutes later. True to his word, Paul had kept it low key, although Cassie and Lydia were seated on one of the couches drooling over Jamie and Nate as they stood in front of the huge flat screen having some kind of virtual fight. I scanned the room, secretly hoping Talia wasn’t here, too. I didn’t want to deal with her sarcastic remarks and constant digs.