Authors: Delora Dennis
Kay had never driven the station wagon before. It was a customized, 1967 Ford Country Squire and something of a curiosity. Ed’s dad had purchased it new and it had served as a real work horse for the mortuary. Pick up vehicles had come and gone over the years, but Ed couldn’t bear to part with his dad’s car and kept it in tip top running condition. Good thing, too, because it came in handy on occasions like this.
“Didn’t I hear you say you could drive a three-speed on the column?” Ed said.
“That’s right,” Kay said with pride. She was glad her dad had insisted she master the, largely obsolete, transmission.
“Good. I’ve sent Leo to gas it up,” Ed said. “As soon as O.M.I. calls, you guys can take off. I want you to drive. Leo still has problems with the clutch.”
Forms in hand, Ed made his usual dash for the door, muttering, “Why did I ever bid on that contract…more trouble than it’s worth.”
Kay picked up the phone to let the girls know she’d be late.
* * *
“So, what was wrong with your car?” Leo asked. He pushed Kay’s purse toward her with the back of his arm across the long bench seat, trying to make room for an enormous stash of gas station junk food.
Kay looked at the colorful pile and chuckled. “We’re not going to be gone that long, Leo. It’s only thirty miles each way. You’ve brought enough provisions to last three days.”
“Car trips always make me hungry,” Leo said. He talked through his teeth as he used them to tear open a bag of corn nuts.
“Everything makes you hungry,” Kay replied.
The forty-six year old, Ford hummed along as if it had just come off the showroom floor.
It’s true. They really don’t make things the way they used to.
Just as if she’d driven the car yesterday, Kay smoothly slid each gear into position with a coordinated push and release of the clutch. If it wasn’t for the smell of corn nuts, Leo’s loud, open-mouth crunching, and the heavy burden weighing on her mind, Kay would have almost enjoyed herself.
Air.
I need air.
She cranked down (literally) her window, part way, reached for the large chrome radio knob and turned it on. Noisy country music accompanied by lots of crackling static blared out of the single speaker in the dash. She fumbled for an FM button and realized the old radio only picked up AM stations. Disappointed, she turned the radio off. Anyway, Leo had polished off his corn nuts and was already working on a quickly-melting, but quieter ice cream sandwich.
How does he stay so skinny?
“So, what was wrong with your car,“ Leo asked again, licking the sides of the sandwich to catch the melting ice cream.
Kay was embarrassed to tell him. In her frazzled state of dread of the morning’s mediation session, she had misread the illuminated “Check Engine” symbol as the “Oil Pressure” indicator. She’d called roadside service only because Dave had always told her never to drive the car if the oil pressure light was on. She’d felt like an idiot when the mechanic told her the only problem was that she had failed to tighten her gas cap completely.
“Oh, nothing too serious,” she said. “Something to do with the car’s emissions system,” which was true.
“Yeah. We’ve had that issue with the lim…,” Leo stopped himself before he completed the word. He looked over at Kay to see if she was going to pick up and run with the loose end of his incomplete statement.
Kay stayed quiet. She was still thinking about the mechanic and how nice it was that he hadn’t charged her for tightening her gas cap.
“Look, Kay. I hope you don’t think I’m avoiding you about the…the…well, you know what, on purpose,” Leo said, deciding to beat Kay to the punch.
Given her pressing personal priorities, Kay was unable to muster any enthusiasm for talking about Uncle O’s attempts at spicing up his life with Mrs. Dash - or any other topic, for that matter.
“It’s fine, Leo. Don’t worry about it,” Kay said.
Leo was completely thrown off by Kay’s dispassionate answer. He eyed her with suspicion and after a few unsure moments said, “I know what you’re doing. You’re pretending not to be interested so I’ll tell you everything. Well, nice try. It’s not gonna work.”
Kay was too preoccupied to argue. “You caught me Leo,” she said with a sigh. “There’s no getting anything past you.”
For the remaining twenty minutes of their drive, the two sat in silence, broken only by the occasional rip of a potato chip bag or crackle of a cellophane Ding Dong wrapper. Even during the quieter lulls, Kay’s attempts at organizing her thoughts were proving to be futile. She was glad when they finally reached the loading area of the Office of the Medical Investigator building. Kay backed up the station wagon to the open bay door and then she and Leo went inside to claim their weighty charge.
In all her many visits to OMI, the putrid odor that hung inside like an oppressive cloud was something Kay had never been able to get used to. She looked over at Leo, amazed he could keep all that junk food down in light of the nauseating smell.
The desk attendant didn’t waste any time checking Kay’s paper work and then calling down to the morgue to have the body brought up.
Kay was delighted things were moving along so quickly. They’d be out of there and back on the road before it got dark.
“I hope you don’t mind,” the desk attendant started. “We didn’t have a body bag that would fit. I’m afraid he’s going to have to be happy with the “ole” white sheet,” he said. “Make that two ole white sheets,” he added, clearly amused at his own stupid joke.
Forty-five, interminable, nose-holding, mouth-breathing minutes later, the elevator doors finally opened and two workers from the morgue rolled out what appeared to be a small white mountain rising from a gurney. Kay was stunned at just how large 300 lbs. really was.
“Can we please get those sheets tucked under the body? Kay officiously requested, worried a sudden gust of wind might lift them up, off and away.
Back at the car, Kay opened the tail gate, stepped out of the way, and let Leo assist the men with the loading. Sitting in the driver’s seat, Kay could hear them, in typical guy fashion, snicker and giggle as they speculated about the enormous man’s sexual challenges. Leo had just made a joke about the guy having to use a hoist to lower himself on to his partner, when Kay finally heard enough. She gave the horn a quick, sharp blast. “C’mon, Leo. Ed’s waiting.”
* * *
Night had completely fallen by the time they were back on the road and it wasn’t long before Leo’s junk food binge put him into a deep, peaceful sugar-induced coma. Kay was happy for the silence. With their task out of the way, she might just be able to get some serious thinking accomplished.
The gurney straps!
Right there, direct evidence of her muddled brain popped into her head. If she’d been on her game, she would have had the attendants tie down the sheets with the gurney straps.
Oh, well. I’ll remember next time. Back to the matter at hand.
Dave was going to want an answer soon, and she had never before been so conflicted. There was one thing she was sure of, though. She was in a rare position of power and she didn’t want to waste it.
Kay decided the best way to reach a decision was to approach it logically and methodically, removing as much emotion as possible. So she asked herself, “What’s the bottom line in this situation?”
Les would have said it was the girls and their well being. But Kay believed she’d already addressed that by taking steps to have their full child support reinstated. Dave’s dressing-down by the mediator had been an added bonus.
Again, she asked herself, “What’s the bottom line here?” This time the answer came immediately. “I need to prove to myself I’m over Dave and ready to move on.”
So, in an effort to be logical and methodical she decided to make a mental list of the pros and cons associated with saying no, then yes
No - Pros
1. $10,000! ‘Nuf said.
2. Kay was not a bank. Let him use the proper channels to get a loan.
3. If history was any indicator, he was trying to pull another fast one.
4. Dave would learn to think twice before approaching her with absurd requests.
5. She’d have the undying admiration of Leslie and Ruth
No - Cons
1. No matter how solid her reasons for saying no, Dave and Sandy would interpret it as retaliation.
2. Her relationship with Dave might not ever normalize.
Yes - Pros
1. Dave seemed to be in a truly-dire financial situation. She’d be helping the girls’ father.
2. The reinstated child support had restored the “comfortable” factor in her finances. She didn’t need the $10,000.
3. $10,000 back pay was an unexpected bonus. Kay hadn’t requested it. (
hmmmm…neither had her attorney
)
4. $10,000 deferred for five years at 10% interest would come to $15,000! ‘Nuf said.
5. Saying yes would prove to herself she was over Dave and ready to move on. (
Would it?
)
Yes - Cons
1. Dave and Sandy were incapable of appreciating her magnanimous gesture. She’d still be the “bad guy”
2. Ruth and Leslie wouldn’t be shy about expressing their disappointment and disapproval.
There it was. Logical and methodical. But it was evenly split. Kay was no closer to a decision. It was clear she was going to need more time. Yes. She’d take her time.
Let Dave cool his heels awhile.
Feeling a little better, Kay allowed herself to relax into the bench seat. She leaned her head back, arching her neck in search of the head rest that was still about three years away from being invented.
Never mind. We’re almost there.
Kay straightened up, reached over and shook Leo’s arm. “Leo. Hey, Leo, time to wake up.”
The car rounded the last curve and began its climb up the moderately-steep hill that stood at the edge of town. Kay turned to see if Leo was responding when out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw the gurney rolling back away from her. Horrified, she snapped her head around to get a look. Sure enough, the foot of the gurney and the feet of the deceased were resting against the car’s tail gate.
Kay shook Leo’s arm again. “Leo…LEO! Wake up! You didn’t lock the gurney wheels!”
She looked back again, terrified the old tail gate might come open with all the weight pressing against it. It appeared to be holding.
So far, so good.
As the station wagon crested the hill, she could see the mortuary’s lighted marquee in the far distance. She let out a sigh of relief. They began their descent.
Oh no. It’s gonna roll back this way
.
Right on cue, Kay heard the creak of the wheels as the gurney began to roll forward. She took her foot off the gas pedal to reduce her speed, hoping to guide the gurney to a gentle stop at the back of the seat. But before she had a chance to slow the momentum of the rolling stretcher, something (
a dog?
) streaked past the front of her car. Kay slammed on the brakes, propelling the gurney at top speed into the back of the seat, sending three hundred pounds of unsecured dead weight flying at 30 mph across the top and slamming into the AM radio on the dash.
With only the waist-style seat belts of the old car to strap him in, Leo’s body whiplashed forward and back like a cooked spaghetti noodle. Amazingly, he stayed asleep.
“
Sixteen tons and whadda ya get
…” Tennessee Ernie Ford’s deep baritone wafted out of the dented radio speaker.
It was the music that finally roused Leo back to consciousness. “Hey. I like that old song,” he croaked, completely oblivious to the calamitous chain reaction of the previous 10 seconds. That is until he realized there was a dead body separating him and Kay.
“What the eff?” Leo said. He rubbed his eyes, trying to make sense of what he was seeing.
Kay’s heart was pounding and her hands were drenched with cold sweat. The station wagon had stalled in the middle of the road and she knew she had to get it moved out of the way - preferably to a level area where she and Leo could push the body back on the gurney.
Kay’s legs shook uncontrollably against the clutch and gas pedal as she attempted to restart the car and move out of first gear. After a couple of beginner-like hops, the station wagon slowly moved forward and she quickly found a suitable spot to pull over. As soon as she brought the car to a stop, she barked at Leo. “Get in the back. I’ll push from his shoulders while you pull from his legs.” Leo didn’t waste a moment obeying Kay’s urgent command.
Flashing red lights and short burst of BWEEP bip bip BWEEP announced the unwelcome arrival of the police to the scene.
Kay shook her head.
I really need to start checking my horoscope before I leave the house.
“Pull, Leo, pull,” Kay said frantically, as she pushed as hard as she could. Maybe they could get the body back on the gurney before the officer made it to her window.
The body didn’t budge.
She glanced at the side view mirror and saw the beam of a flashlight growing more intense as it neared her driver’s side door.