Same/Difference (The Depth of Emotion #4) (18 page)

I was speechless. For the second time in two days, I’d been slapped by his words. I didn’t know what was harder to take, people making fun of me because the scars mattered or Falcon chastising me because they didn’t. I stared at him as he got out of the chair.

“I’d ask you to stay, but…”

I was being dismissed. He walked over to the door and opened it, indicating that he wanted me to leave. It appeared the conversation was over.

“I...Fal, I’m…” I stammered. I was confused. I walked up to him and looked in his eyes. They were sad and heavy with hurt. I touched his face.

“I’m sorry.”

My thoughts were fragmented, my comprehension all over the place. If he was telling the truth, if he
really
saw me differently, I wanted to know why. Why would appearance matter to so many people and not to him? I grasped at whatever opportunity I had left. “Would you like to go to dinner? Please. I’d really like to…”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea, Paige,” he interrupted. “Besides…I’m flying home in a few hours.” The chill in his tone formed a chasm while his hurt expression consumed me.

“Oh. Some other time then.”

He struggled with a grin. “Sure.”

I managed to smile as I walked out the door. My heart was heavy. I screwed it up. I wouldn’t have the chance to salvage anything. Maybe I was living in a bubble that was made of my warped physical perception but wasn’t that what I’d been taught?
‘First impressions are lasting impressions’, ‘appearance is everything’,
and
‘put your best foot forward’
were some of the first sayings I learned once I was old enough to go to school. They were proven to me the first time I was bullied and I still put them into practice to guide the appearance side of business. So if they weren’t the truth than what was the lie?

Mindlessly, I walked the hall. Falcon had obliterated my thoughts and memories. In the brief solitude offered by the elevator ride, I realized my presumptions and beliefs had, inadvertently, caused pain to someone whom I never wanted to hurt. I struggled with the notion that it could have been possible for someone to love me more than I loved myself and I never entertained giving it a chance. As the elevator doors opened, I stepped out in a fog

“
Well, well, well…”

A heavily accented voice greeted me. The tone was laced with the poison of sarcasm and ripped off the Band-Aid I’d quickly put on my emotions when I walked out of Falcon’s suite.

Marisol glared at me. The woman whose haughty imbalance I had suffered and despised addressed me with her signature contempt.

“I didn’t think a girl like you could afford to stay in such a nice hotel.”

“Why not?” I countered without missing a beat. “Your husband paid me very well to fix your mistakes.” She didn’t expect such a quick comeback. She eyed me cautiously. Women cowered before her but I refused to be one of them. It took her a moment but she recovered.

“That’s right. I suppose that would make you my employee since you sold my properties. I’d like to tell you that I’m sorry for that, and also for what I did to you and your little friend, but I can’t. Because I’m not.”

What a lunatic!
She’s screwing with the wrong woman today!
I wanted to unleash on the bitch in front of me. Had she lost her mind? I wasn’t afraid of her. I’d been dealing with females like her my whole life and I learned quite a lesson; mean girls only know how to strike, not kill. They crush the tenderhearted, especially while we’re young, but what they really do is make us stronger. We grow up to be their worst nightmare. How
effective!
She expected me to cower but I wasn’t in the mood for her superior bullshit.

She narrowed her eyes. “So…how
is
our little Aria?”

“Like you care.” Sarcasm dripped through my every word. She acted so superior that I hoped she fall off her pedestal and hang herself. “Aria is fine. As a matter of fact, despite your effort to kill her, she is alive and well and just became a new mother. She and Declan couldn’t be happier.”

The smile fell from her lips and I tasted the sweetness of this one bite of victory.

“You swim in shallow waters, Marisol. One day you’ll drown in them.”

I walked away from her infused by a taste of triumph. She tried to dish out her superior attitude, but I gave it back to her in one, diseased bite. I didn’t look back.

“What lovely news. Please give them my best.” Her voice; I hated it.

I kept walking and heard her haughty cackle as I exited the hotel. First Falcon, then Marisol. I felt so oppressed I couldn’t wait to go back to my room and collapse.

“Excuse me. Ms. Paige?”

A man’s voice startled me.

“Hi Jorge.” My body relaxed.

“Ms. Paige, Mr. Grey asked me to take you wherever you wish.”

He held the car door open as an invitation. I was touched. Although Falcon was very angry, he was very considerate. It gave me a sliver of hope.

“Thank you, Jorge. I’d really like to go back to my hotel.”

I slid into the cool, crushed leather and Jorge closed the door behind me. Nothing had gone as planned. My relationship with Falcon was fractured and Marisol frayed what was left of my nerves. Falcon had one thing right.

It was time to go home.

Eight months later

P
rincesses come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. Today was the Christening day of Karas Rose Sinclair, my own little princess. I was so happy and thrilled to be her godmother. I got emotional when Aria and Declan asked me to stand for their daughter. Since I’d left Vegas I had nothing in my life other than work. Aria was as close as a sister to me, but I tried very hard to respect her personal life. Her life with a husband and new baby was very full, but because she had been through so much with me I think she felt like she was somehow abandoning me. Although I was touched, I assured her that I was okay. She knew that Liz was also a very close friend and noticed, since my return, that I hadn’t been trying to make much of an effort to have a social life. I preferred to keep my social circle very small. Since feeling that connection with Falcon I wanted one with meaning, not volume.

Katherine, Declan’s assistant, and I had been getting together every few weeks for dinner and girl time. Aria’s mother, Jeannie, was my second mom and she also insisted on dinner at least once a month. Since I was making an effort to be more engaged, I felt my walls go down even more when I was around them. I would be seeing all of them today, including Aimee. We had been friends since we met and she used to be like the pesky kid sister I never had. I wouldn’t have confided in Aimee when she lived closer to me because she was a meddler. I was privy to her antics when she plotted to get Aria and Declan back together after a breakup. When Aimee moved to Western Maryland she was still very spunky, but she became the victim of a horrible attack one night when she was walking through the woods. After that, she became much more serious. When I returned from my trip Aimee began to call me more regularly. At first I was suspicious that Falcon might somehow be involved, but she assured me that he wasn’t. I loved Aimee. Carter was ever so protective of her and that touched my heart. Falcon’s eye opening comments did me a favor and when I returned home I really spent time thinking about my life and began to count my blessings. One night, after hours of introspection about an area of my character that he brought to my attention, I realized that I was a hypocrite. I’d always lent an ear for the women in my small circle, but I refused to impose on them for the same. Since that night, I made more of an effort to open myself for more than superficial relationships and had come to believe that I had just as much to give to them as I would receive. I think that was why I missed Falcon so much. He made me see myself in the mirror of his observations. I ached for something real with him but I was uncertain as to how badly I damaged what could have been.

All of my friends would be together today and the festivities promised to be a little bittersweet. In the past months I had made very little progress in repairing my relationship with Falcon. Nonetheless, a seed of hope remained because even a little progress was still something. I waited for him to contact me. I hoped he would once he got over being angry. First a month went by, then six weeks, and still I’d heard nothing. Thoughts of him began to distract me. I hadn’t received a call, text, or e-mail. The more I mulled over the last time we were together the more I examined myself. I was wrong and I wanted to tell him. He was right. I let Blake get away with his behavior that night because of an old pattern. For years, I protected myself by putting a steel coat over my feelings. I let people get away with throwing whatever they wanted at me. I pretended to ignore their actions but it dragged me down emotionally. I thought the coat was an effective barrier but the weight of wearing it was breaking me. The saddest part? I thought that by not reacting I made myself stronger; I wasn’t putting myself on their level by taking the high road. I concentrated on his comments and once I really saw myself through Falcon’s eyes I made a decision; I went for counseling. By seeking help I learned that it wasn’t a steel garment that covered me, it was more a sponge because I was still absorbing every hurtful word. When I finally was so full that I became saturated in the criticism of people who shouldn’t have matter, I wrung myself out by pulling out my hair.

Aria warned me that Falcon would be here today. Although I was hoping for the best, I wasn’t sure how it would go. I was so thankful for the distraction that Karas provided. It was hard to stay in an overly anxious state of mind when in the presence of that sweet baby. I never thought I could love so unconditionally, but she stole my heart from the moment I saw her precious face. When I held her in my arms she was magic. She rocked my world and everyone else’s with her tiny hand. All she had to do was place it on my cheek and everything else melted away. Today was no exception. Beautifully flawless, seldom crying, and perfectly content wherever she was, Karas laid in her daintily decorated cradle observing everything about the day. She cooed and made baby talk with the mobile of butterflies that floated on the handle of her infant seat. She was almost singing to them as they danced above her head. Declan adored her and, just like her mother did, had him lovingly wrapped around her little finger. There was no mistaking that the affection was mutual because whenever Declan held her she lit up by smiling and kicking her feet ecstatically. Whenever I watched the three of them together my heart swelled—making the hole I had in it since I left Las Vegas even more noticeable.

“Do you want to hold her?” Aria walked toward me as she lightly bounced her little bundle.

“Absolutely.”

I held out my arms and she filled them with my little love. Her eyelids fluttered as she fought sleep. I kept up the gentle pattern Aria started and within moments she drifted off. Although she was as gentle as a star filled night, she had the power to chase away my monsters. All through the day I’d been plagued with clouded thoughts but it was impossible to stay in a dark state of mind when little Miss Sunshine was near.

“Aria, open the gift I brought for her. It’s next to my purse.” I spoke softly and tilted my chin in the direction of Karas’ present.

She retrieved the small pink bag and removed the decorative tissue. Inside was a blue velvet box.

“What did you do?” As she opened the box she gave a small gasp. “Paige…It’s beautiful.” She removed the necklace and held it up.

“I would really like her to wear it today if that’s okay. Something from her Godmother.” I whispered so as not to wake the baby.

“Leave it to her Aunt Paige to accessorize her.” She answered with a nod.

I held Karas up so she could fasten the gold cross and chain around her neck. There was a diamond in the middle that sparkled as it caught the light shining through the beautiful stained glass window depicting the Virgin Mary holding baby Jesus. It looked so pretty on her. My friends always teased me about my love for accessories and for Karas’ big day I couldn’t help myself. Every girl should have an arsenal of accessories, even sweet petite ones.

I waved Aria off to greet friends and family while I stole a peek around the church. I had a twinge of uneasy anticipation. Almost all of the guests had arrived, yet there was still no sign of Falcon.
Would he come? Would he act like nothing happened, or would he avoid me?
My mind was working overtime. The reality was that legally, we had an issue that needed to be dealt with. Our first few phone conversations were awkward but with each one I could tell that his anger toward me was lessening. I still got the impression that he wanted to put the matter behind us but he held himself back. I hoped that today would be promising, that I could tell him face to face about all that had happened and that he’d been on my mind. Hopefully, once I told him that I realized he was right, we would be able to move forward. Although we had spoken at his hotel, I never really got the opportunity to tell him how much I appreciated what he did for me that night. That I didn’t realize the value of it until I started counseling. My therapist confirmed that it was a blessing in disguise. Falcon’s disapproval and the loss of his friendship was the catalyst for my self-examination. I discovered that he was the first person that made me face myself. I was drawn to him because he refused to hear my excuses. I missed him. Our first conversation after Las Vegas was awkward.