Sapphic Cowboi (12 page)

“
That was incredible” Maggie
breathed when they had watched
all
the credits, she had refused to leave until she
saw it all, every bit of it and while she stared uncomprehendingly
at all the words she stayed until the bitter end.

“
It was” Ariana had to admit
and while she had watched the movie she wasn’t certain she was
agreeing about the movie.

They walked outside and it was odd to realize
it was still daylight after their matinee. The movie had taken them
through several years, days and nights, and they still felt out of
this world at the moment.

“
Would you like to get a
soda at the soda fountain?” Ariana asked.

“
I haven’t eaten any of
this” Maggie gestured at what she still had in her hands and
laughed.

Ariana laughed with her but knowing they had
to get back to the circus got in the Model T, holding the door for
Maggie whose hands were still full. It felt like a date to her, she
had been on several on her journey of discovery, first with boys
and men, and later with her first girlfriend who expected things
like this, not unsimiliar to Martha and how she treated
Carleton.

They were quiet for a while on the trip back
to where the circus was set up and then they began to discuss what
their impressions had been about the movie. They found each other
saying what the other was thinking, finishing sentences, laughing
at each other, enjoying the last few moments they had together
before returning.

“
I’ll see you later before
the show” Ariana let Maggie out near where the pen was set up for
her horses before driving off to return Cecil’s Model T.

“
What are you some sort of
dyke?”

“
What’s a dyke?”

“
You know, you like women,
you like to be the boy!” she laughed crudely at her joke and
explanation.

Maggie’s eyes about bugged out of her head
when she realized the implications of what Martha was implying, she
had never heard of such a thing! Martha realized by her expression
alone how naïve she really was and that she wasn’t what Martha was
accusing her of.

“
Oh c’mon honey, surely
you’ve experimented now and then? We all have!” she laughed crudely
to cover her surprise at the other woman’s inexperience. Martha
sashayed away with an even ruder look at the stunned horse master.
Maggie hadn’t understood Martha’s resentment but Martha
instinctively knew she was on her way out, in the weeks and months
since her accident she had milked it for what it was worth, milked
Carleton for what she could get from him and the circus his daddy
owned. She resented the younger and vastly prettier Ariana taking
what she considered her place in the scheme of things. She wanted
to take her spite out on someone and Maggie had been too
easy.

Maggie had been living in
some sort of post-movie haze and hadn’t realized the vile woman she
mostly avoided had come up behind her. But Martha had seen Ariana
drop off Maggie and the easy intimacy between the two women and
their friendship, something else Martha had with no one, no one
wanted to be the promiscuous and greedy woman’s friend, was another
mark against everyone in Martha’s eyes. They
owed her
and she was going to make
people
pay
for the
way they treated her. Maggie was just too easy.

Maggie was stunned at the implication of what
Martha had said. She had never considered such a relationship, she
had never heard of such either. She sat there on a hay bale as
Feathers snuffled at her hand trying to entice her to pet him. Even
the horses looked at her curiously. It wasn’t like Maggie to do
absolutely nothing.

“
Are you okay honey?” Perry
asked as he came up beside her. That too was unlike Maggie, she
would have been aware of anyone approaching, if not by her own
senses but by the horses who had certainly seen him.

Maggie jumped at the voice, so lost in her
own thoughts. “Yeah, yeah, I’m okay” she repeated back dumbly and
unconvincingly.

Perry had seen Martha waddle away. He avoided
her as she tended to victimize anyone that wasn’t up to her idea of
perfection. That meant everyone in their small circus world. She
was a nasty bit of goods and he would be glad to see her go.
Carleton’s attempt to get rid of her long before this had failed
due to her injury but Perry and several others could see the
writing on the wall and she would be gone soon. Not soon enough if
he could read the shock and hurt on his friends face correctly. “I
don’t know what Martha said to you but whatever it was ignore it,
that woman would sour milk just by looking at it.”

Maggie nodded but didn’t
really
hear
him;
she was caught up in her own thoughts, the ones racing around
inside her head causing her anxiety. She had wondered if there was
something wrong with her for years. First when man after man after
boy was presented to her and she couldn’t work up much of an
attraction for them. Physically she found them appealing but beyond
that, the thought of having babies with them had repelled her.
Being the daughter of a horse breeder she naturally knew about the
forbidden subject of sex but the idea of being physically with a
man, intimately, repelled her. It had helped keep her in her single
state when her father despaired of every having an heir from her.
Now she had to wonder if perhaps someone like Martha was correct,
was she a dyke? Did she like women? Did she secretly want to be a
boy? She’d always liked manly pursuits, she’d always behaved like
the son her father had wanted and been so proud of until his death,
she liked doing what she did but did this mean she secretly wanted
to be with a woman? And what woman? Naturally her thoughts went to
Ariana, her best friend, her performing partner. She hadn’t thought
of her in that way,
ever
. She had thought she had found a
friend, the sister she had never had, the companion she could
confide in. Now she was thinking what she considered ‘dirty’
thoughts about her? She hadn’t gone beyond the thought of what
kissing Ariana might just be like but only after Martha had said
what she had. Seeing Vivien Leah on the movie screen being kissed
by Clark Gable she realized, she hadn’t wanted
to be
Scarlet O’Hara, she had
wanted
to be
Rhett
Butler and kissing Scarlet
like
that. The shock of it was stunning her into
silence.

Perry watched with worry as Maggie’s normal
exuberance was gone, it wasn’t like her at all to behave like this.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” he asked her knowing she might not tell
him.

Realizing everything she had since Martha’s
vengeful idea had been planted inside her head and in such a short
time she was frightened. She knew it was wrong, that something was
wrong with her, that to share this idea, this disgusting idea with
her friends, with anyone might cause them all to turn their backs
on her. She hadn’t had time to assimilate everything, she hadn’t
had time to adjust to it, analyze it, or come to grips with it.
Right now it was new, right now it was so wrong, right now she was
horrified at what she had been accused of much less what she had
thought of. She knew Martha was a nasty person but what if others
thought the same about her? She shook her head and began to cry
silently.

Perry pulled her head to his chest. He was
standing as she was sitting on the bale of hay and it fit right
against him. “There there luv, let it all out, let it all out” he
comforted her. Curious performers looked on and he waved away any
that attempted to come over. He preferred to handle this himself.
Their concerned looks conveyed a message, if he needed help he had
only to ask, it was part of being in this family they had made.

Maggie told him nothing as she did cry it
out. It wasn’t just for her lost ‘innocence’ mentally. She was
homesick, she missed the familiar surroundings, and while she was
enjoying showing off her horses, performing, seeing the new places
and faces, making new friends, she was lonely and the one good
friend she had made was suddenly off limits she felt. Her other
friends while helpful and loving weren’t quite the same.

Ariana sensed that something had happened.
Their performance was flawless, Maggie in her dapper tuxedo, Ariana
in a flowing dress that showed off her terrific figure and
beautiful attributes, but something was missing, it was automated,
not as spontaneous as usual, the horses sensed it as well and while
it was a good performance, it wasn’t as good as others. Fortunately
only they knew it, the audience was as usual awed and appreciative.
Ariana tried to talk to Maggie afterwards but she hid herself among
the horses, taking off the feathers and leather straps and brushing
them down to avoid Ariana and her questions which only got one word
answers anyway.

Ariana finally turned away and went to watch
others perform. Maggie watched her surreptitiously hoping no one
saw her as she lived with the guilt of realizing she was attracted
to her best friend and feeling she had betrayed them both. Maggie
lost a lot of sleep over it in the coming nights, she also spent a
lot of time avoiding Ariana, getting up to leave when Ariana came
over to eat at the same dinner table, finding excuses to not spend
time with her, avoiding any impropriety.

Of course in a close nit community such as
there her avoidance was noted. “What is up with Maggie these days?”
was asked time and time again.

Perry let it be known that it was due to
something, he didn’t say what, because he didn’t know what, but
something that Martha had said had caused Maggie’s upset. If Martha
wasn’t already reviled she would have been. More pressure was put
in certain quarters for Carlton to get rid of her. Carl began to
hear nasty little rumors that he couldn’t afford and if it cost
them financially they all suffered.

A couple of weeks later they
had a layover in California before they would head up the coast to
Oregon and Washington State. Maggie took the time to take her
horses down to the beach, having never seen an ocean before it was
awe inspiring. She spent several hours playing in the salt water
with her horses. Ariana had come along and enjoyed seeing the
expressions on her friends face but she herself had been ignored
for the most part. Ariana had sensed that Maggie needed some sort
of healing, some sort of time to herself, and she respected her
needs but she was tired of being ignored, of being avoided, of
worrying about her friend who wouldn’t tell her what the problem
was. Watching her on the beach though, playing in the waves with
the horses who at first had been shy and later many came to swim in
the water with the deluged woman who was wearing her normal
dungarees and button down shirt she saw that Maggie began to heal.
The unadulterated laughter, the genuine joy at playing with her
massive beasts, all of that began to heal her from the inside out
and for that Ariana was glad. For the first time in weeks Maggie
looked normal, beyond normal, she looked young and carefree, the
horses after their first timid pawing at the waves that kept coming
after them, their snorting at the unfamiliar smell of salt water,
their eyes rolling at the water splashed at them soon entered into
the spirit of things as their human,
their
Maggie became the woman they
all knew and adored.

Ariana felt privileged to see Maggie this
way, it was the most freedom she had seen in her friend and she
could feel her heart clench as she wished her only joy. She wanted
Maggie to be happy. To of seen her so unhappy for so long had
really hurt her. That Maggie avoided not just her but everyone and
wouldn’t discuss it with her was painful but whatever it was,
whatever or whoever had hurt her and she had heard the rumors about
Martha, she began to heal, now, on this beach in California and
Arian was thrilled.

They had to wash down the horses after they
got back to the circus to set up. Naturally that many horses on the
beach had attracted attention as well as that many going through
the streets but Maggie and Ariana had passed out pamphlets about
the circus and invited people to where the circus was set up. It
was good publicity which was why Cecil hadn’t minded one of their
main events taking off like that, as long as none of them got hurt
and they came back in time to do a terrific show. Washing the salt
from their coats, rubbing them down required more than the two of
them had expected but some of the children from the circus who
lived there, grew up there, and adored Maggie generously helped. A
large water fight ensued but they all got cleaner for it and the
horses dried off in the later afternoon sun looking happier and
healthier than before. Even Maggie looked happier and healthier
than anyone had seen in a long time.

“
Maybe she got laid” Martha
said crudely when she overheard someone comment on Maggie and how
she looked vastly improved.

“
Shut up Martha!” several
voices said and she stopped in surprise. Had it been just one
person she might have fought back and fought back dirtier but
having several say it stunned her into an uneasy silence. It was
then that Carlton decided, he would leave her here this time, she
was fully healed, he wasn’t
ever
going to marry her as she wanted, she did no work
for the circus without demanding huge payouts, and she had become a
liability.

No one missed Martha when she didn’t make the
train after their three day show. No one said anything either
although several looks said it all when her berth was empty. Forced
to share with the ungrateful wench the showgirls didn’t miss her
and didn’t hesitate to share with what she left behind.