Saven Disclosure (The Saven Series Book 2) (20 page)

“I didn’t know he was here. What did he say?” He batters his forearms.

“It doesn’t really matter, does it? He says jump and you say how high.” Okay, so maybe I’m struggling to hold onto that dignity.

That strikes a chord. The vein in Logan’s neck pulses angrily. He opens his mouth—no doubt to retort—but snaps his lips shut before he shares what’s on his mind. He closes his eyes momentarily. When they reopen, I catch a quick glimpse into his soul, and he’s in agony. Hurt and pain, and longing and regret, flicker briefly in his eyes before he shuts down again.

Tentatively, I step toward him. He backs away, shaking his head, and the rejection hurts intensely. It feels like someone is hacking out my heart with a pitchfork—awkward and slow and messy. Bloody.

He couldn’t have wounded me any deeper.

“Don’t make this any harder. Please. I’m so sorry, Sadie, but I can’t keep living like this. I’m not cut out for the long-distance thing, and it hurts more than if I was alone. No matter what we feel, it would never work out.” He at least has the decency to look me in the eye when he’s shattering my heart. My world. My hopes and dreams.

“What about our Eterno connection? I thought that meant something.” My voice quivers a little, and I clear my throat, desperately trying to cling onto my self-respect.

He looks sad as he drags his hands through his hair. “I don’t see any way of making that work for us, and … perhaps I was mistaken about it.”

I clap a hand over my mouth so he doesn’t see my trembling lip. Tears prick my eyes but I blink them away. I don’t believe him. Not when he’s been so insistent before. I think he’s trying to convince himself of that as much as he’s trying to convince me. I don’t understand what’s going on here. Something tells me I don’t have the full picture, but does it even matter? Whatever the reasons are, it doesn’t change the base fact: He doesn’t want me anymore.

When I feel reasonably confident I can speak without betraying my emotion, all I say is “I see.”

Averting his eyes, he looks everywhere but at me. “Haydn will stay here to protect you for the time being, and I’ll organize new accommodation for you. In the meantime, my father has permitted you to remain here.”

“How very decent of him,” I snap. “But it won’t be necessary. I’ve already started looking for my own place, and I’ll move out as soon as I find somewhere suitable.”

“What? Why?” Confusion splashes over his handsome face.

“I don’t see how that’s of any relevance now. And for the record, as much as I’m fond of Hayden, I don’t need him babysitting me anymore. He’s your bodyguard. Take him with you.” I start to inch away.

“Wait!” Logan yells frantically. “You need his protection. Trust me.”

“I think we’re a little beyond that, Logan. And you don’t need to pretend like you care.” Stupid tears well in my eyes again, and this time I can’t stop a sneaky one from pitching down my face. I swipe it harshly away.

“Sadie,” Logan says softly. “Of course, I care.”

“Then why?” I throw my hands into the air. “Why are you doing this?”

He steps toward me unexpectedly, drawing me into his arms. I stifle a sob as I allow him to embrace me. It’s utterly stupid, because I know I’m going to pay for it later. But for now, I need him to hold me one last time. His lips brush my hair as he crushes me to him. “I wish things could be different, but they can’t. This is for the best.” He hugs me one last time before prizing my arms off him.

This is truly happening, and I don’t think my heart can withstand it. The only positive to come out of this is that his life is safe for the time being, and now I have a legitimate reason to advise both the VP and G that I can no longer fulfill the assignment. At least that’s something.

Logan dips his head, fiddling with the buttons on his comport. It feels so final. I can’t let him leave like this. Not when there are important things that have been left unsaid. I don’t want to look back and regret not telling him. “Wait a sec.” My hand clasps his wrist, and he looks up. “I need to tell you something.”

He gives me his full attention, and though his expression is stoic, I now see if for what it is. He’s wearing a mask, putting forward a carefully presented front. He hurts as much as I do. Although, that’s of little comfort.

Heart racing, I gaze directly into his beautiful blue eyes, allowing myself to luxuriate in his focused stare one final time. Blood thunders through my veins, and there’s a panicky fluttering feeling in my chest. My palms feel sweaty. I blow air out of my mouth as I exhale profoundly. “I love you.”

His expression falters as his composure collapses. Excruciating pain flits across his face as he opens his mouth to speak. “Don’t,” I say softly, my finger pressed to his lips. “I know it changes nothing, and I didn’t say it to provoke a response. I said it because it’s the truth and I’ve never told you that. I don’t want to look back on our time together and have any regrets. I know I’d regret never telling you what was in my heart,
is
in my heart, has been all along, even when I didn’t fully realize what I was feeling. I couldn’t let you leave without understanding that.”

I take a step back as he attempts to speak again. Taking one last lengthy look at him, I shut my eyes and silently pray for strength. Enough to get me through these next few seconds. “Please just go,” I whisper. “There is nothing else to be said.”

I startle when his lips brush my forehead. It takes every morsel of willpower not to throw myself at him and plead with him to change his mind, to stay in my life, to let me love him as he’s loved me. But I hold steady.

A gentle whoosh of air swirls around me and then the room settles. Slowly, I open my eyes and stare at the empty space.

He’s gone.

And he’s never coming back.

And I don’t think I’ll survive if I allow myself to give into the crushing grief ripping me apart. My heart thuds painfully against my ribcage, straining to leave with its owner. My heart knows it belongs to Logan, even if he’s chosen to walk way. I guess that’s what happens when you are careful about who you give your heart to. It’s not something you can easily reclaim or abandon. Maybe not ever. Logan owns my heart, and he always will. Whether he is aware or not. Whether he wants it or not. That much I know with absolute conviction.

There will be no getting over this.

At least not in this lifetime.

The cumbersome weight of emotional pressure constricts my chest, pressing down until my lungs feel like pancakes. A gut-wrenching sob spurts from my mouth before I can stop it.

Ella bursts into the room and herds me into an embrace. “Sadie, I heard. I’m so sorry.” I’m mute and motionless. “Are you okay?” She eases back, holding me at arm’s length as she carefully inspects my face. “Will you be okay?”

Shaking myself out of my stupor, I attempt to smile. “I’m fine.” I’m unintentionally harsh, and I know I can do better than this. Throwing up my old trusty mental shields, I project Logan’s image, and all the associated feelings attached to him, behind the imaginary wall in my mind and block him out.

That’s better.

I can shove it away and try to forget about it, which is far more manageable than trying to tackle these heartbreaking feelings.

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.” I place a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “He’s only a boy. I’ve dealt with a lot worse.”

“Sadie.” Her face is troubled.

“Don’t, Ella. I don’t want to talk about this right now, so please drop it.”

Her expression softens. “Sure, okay. But at some point, we do need to talk about this. No good comes from denying your feelings.”

I make no promises.

Ignoring the pain is more desirable than confronting it. And that’s survival one-oh-one.

I walk toward the corridor, ready to escape to my room, when I notice Haydn loitering to the side of the kitchen, a pitiful look on his face. I hate to be pitied, and if I acknowledge him now, I’m pretty sure I’ll take it out on him. I refuse to do that, so I purposefully ignore him and go hide in my room.

The next two weeks feel like two years. It’s as if I’ve wandered into some dark abyss and I’m stumbling around trying to navigate my way into the light. Every day follows the previous day’s pattern. Get up after a futile attempt at sleep, head to the gym, go to work and immerse myself in my duties, and come home and hide in my room staring at the ceiling as I fight the inner battle waging war inside my head. Logan consumes my thoughts though I try to banish him behind my shields.

But it doesn’t work.

He refuses to go away.

The upset in my head is mirrored perfectly in my heart, and it’s a constant struggle to fight the potently persuasive urge to indulge my depression and heartache. My fingers clutch the pendant at my neck with fierce desperation. This is all I have of him now. The only reminder that he did love me, at least one time. I refuse to remove it, not even to shower. It’s a little piece of him, one I’m not prepared to give up yet. Ella bites her tongue, but I know what she wants to say. That I need to ditch it if I’m to get over him.

Resolutely stubborn, I refuse to relinquish it, though I promise myself I won’t fall apart. I’m not one of those girls whose whole life revolves around “the boy” and I’m too strong to cry over his rejection.

These are the things I tell myself over and over again, but my resolve is weakening.

I’m weakening, and I hate myself for it.

I know how to deflect these types of emotions, so why isn’t it working this time?

Haydn, Neve, and Ella don’t know what to do with me. On various occasions, they have all tried to get me to open up, but I clam up with well-practiced skill. Neve looks as glum as I feel, though she’s adopting my strategy and refusing to talk about the issues that are plaguing her. The only thing I’ve been able to determine with any degree of certainty is that she and Alex are still a couple, and by the looks of it, very much in love. So I can only assume that whatever is distracting her isn’t related. She left to join the roadshow a week ago, and I’ve no idea when I’ll see her again.

Two days after Logan ended things with me, the Amaretti ships withdrew from our airspace, and the president has confirmed that the threat has been diverted. New York is in celebratory mode, and life has returned to frustrating normalcy.

We haven’t heard a thing from G, and my agitation is at an all-time high. According to Fern and Rylan, stars are being transferred to Sector Twenty in droves. The level of inactivity has me on constant edge, and my fingernails are bitten to the nail bed. I’m itching to do something, anything, and the more time passes with no word or further instruction from G, the more agitated I get. When I challenged Jarod over the lack of apparent activity, he cautioned me that everything has to be meticulously planned. At my insistence, he tried plying his father for information, but none was forthcoming. Whatever they are planning, I hope they show their hand soon.

I’ve managed to secure a two-bed apartment in Jarod’s building, and we’re scheduled to move in in a couple of days. Ella is elated at the prospect of being closer to him. They’ve been on a few dates, and things are going swimmingly. I’m so pleased for both of them; they deserve to be happy. And I couldn’t pick a better guy for my sister. Jarod already feels like a brother to me.

Once we’ve relocated, and I’ve cut ties with Haydn, I know the breakup will feel final. The thought saddens me, but I know it’s for the best. Logan is my past, and the sooner I accept my new reality, the better.

Despondent that I won’t open up, my friends have resorted to coaxing me out of my lair, and I’m regularly hauled out against my will. But no amount of movies and dinners can snap me out of my melancholy. Not that you would outwardly suspect it. Oh, on the surface, I appear perfectly fine. Only those who know me well know it’s all for show.

On the inside, I’m a bleeding, broken mess.

And I know I can’t go on like this, but I don’t know how to fix it.

I’ve never experienced pain like this before, and I plan to ensure I never go through anything like it again.

Opening my bedside locker, I dig out my tarot cards. I haven’t done a reading since we left Thalassic City, but I’m desperately hoping it will provide some guiding light.

The first card I draw is a minor arcana card, the seven of cups. Reversed, which in itself isn’t a good indicator. This speaks to what I’m going through right now, and I can’t say I’m overly surprised. It indicates illusion and diversion, and that requires no explanation. The next two cards are major arcana cards, and I’m flummoxed.

I flip The Lovers card over and over between my fingers. This card is the ultimate card for love, representing a unique bond and a very special, soul-deep connection between two people. This can’t be what it seems to suggest. That Logan
is
my soul mate and our relationship is genuine and true. At any other time, I would be jumping for joy at getting this card in a session. But now, it’s like rubbing salt into a festering wound, and it does nothing to cure the seismic ache in my chest.

I shudder as I contemplate the second card.

The Devil, in reverse.