Saven Disclosure (The Saven Series Book 2) (21 page)

It seems enormously at odds with the other card, and I can’t fathom what it’s trying to tell me.

In its simplest form, it can indicate a reclamation of power or breaking free from restraints.

But what power am I reclaiming?

And who or what am I breaking free from?

“Right,” Ella says, boldly storming into my room, breaking me out of my obsessive, destructive inner monologue. “I’ve had enough of this. We are talking about this now and I’m not taking no for an answer. I won’t watch you self-destruct anymore.”

She plonks down on the bed beside me as I clear away the tarot cards. Shunting upward, I press back against the headboard. “I’ve told you, Ella. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Bullshit!” Her knee brushes my leg as she swivels around. “This is me you’re talking to!” She repeatedly prods a finger in her sternum. “And what you’re doing is classic Sadie. I won’t watch you bottle everything up again. We’re not in that apartment anymore, Sadie, and no one is going to judge you. Can’t you see that? We’re all so worried about you. It’s normal to be upset, to feel heartbroken. That’s totally allowed! But it’s not normal to go through life like a robot, pretending everything is fine, when those who care about you can see very clearly that everything isn’t fine! So, stop lying to me, stop lying to yourself, and admit how you feel.”

Her impassioned speech cracks my fragile exterior, and my inner dam breaks. I hop up off the bed, angry and hurt. “Okay. You want to hear this? Fine!” I realize I’m yelling but I don’t stop. “I’m not fine. I’m the very opposite of fine. I … I’m …” A massive sob wrenches free. Ella makes no attempt to interject. “I’m destroyed, Ella. Broken up inside. I can’t breathe, I …” Tears freely roll down my cheeks. “I’ve never felt pain like this before. It’s overtaken me, like nothing else exists. Every day I wake up thinking it will lessen, that it will get easier with the passing of time, but that’s not the case. I hurt every bit as much as I did when he ended it. I fear it’s what will always define me. It’s … indescribable. I can’t bear it … I miss him so much.”

I sink to the floor as tears silently flow. “How is it possible for a person to have burrowed their way in so profoundly? He’s in here”—I smash a hand over my heart— “and no matter how much I wish to evict him, I can’t get this lovesick organ to cooperate. I
ache
for him. I physically hurt and it feels like I’m dying …”

My weeping isn’t showing any signs of abating. In a burst of self-awareness, I acknowledge I don’t want it to. I need to let this out.

Ella plops down beside me, hoisting me into her arms. “Don’t be ashamed, Sadie. Get it out of your system. It’s the first step to letting go.”

“He doesn’t love me.” I sniffle into her shoulder. “He doesn’t want me.” I proclaim my worst inner fears. “I’m not lovable, not worth keeping.”

“Ssh, now. You know that’s not true.” She strokes a hand over my hair, and it’s amazingly soothing. “And from what I overheard, he never said any of those things.”

“It doesn’t matter what he said. If he loved me, he wouldn’t have left me.” The sobs start up in earnest again, and this time I totally give into it, crying hot, agonizing tears all over the front of her shirt.

Ella holds me through it all, murmuring soothing sentiments and loving me as only a sister can.

When I’m all cried out, we lie side by side on my bed, facing one another. “I’m so weak,” I whisper, still sniveling. “I let the first boy I fall for turn me into a pathetic mess.” A half-laugh, half-sob zips out of my mouth.

“They say you never forget your first love.” She smiles kindly as she reaches out and takes my hand. “You are one of the strongest people I know, Sadie. And what you said to him before he left? That took guts. I’ve never been more proud of you than I was in that moment. I know how much it took to tell him that knowing it wouldn’t change anything, but you were true to yourself. You said you wanted no regrets? Well, don’t do this to yourself, because you’ll regret it if you spend weeks, months, years, pining for something you can’t have.
He
isn’t worthy of
you
. You deserve better, don’t you see?”

Honestly, at this point I feel pretty much like I deserve all this for allowing myself to believe in love, to trust in it, to think it could cure everything that is wrong with me and the world. Self-deception on such a vast scale is beyond idiotic. It’s basically suicidal. So, yeah, I think I deserve all of this. I shrug indifferently.

She sadly shakes her head. “You were always so delusional, though I understood why. But now? There’s no room for delusion anymore, Sadie. Your life isn’t over, it’s only beginning. You know what,” she says, springing up. “We need to toast to that. Come on.” She hauls me off the bed, and I trail her to the kitchen, watching as she takes a bottle of wine from the king’s stash. I locate two glasses and follow her to the couch.

She pours the white wine and hands me a glass. “We really shouldn’t be drinking the king’s wine,” I say, though I accept the offering.

“Screw him, and his son,” is her tart reply as she lifts her glass in a toast. My lips tug up at the corners. “To my beautiful, sweet little sister. To leaving the past in the past and moving on. You’re a bright light floundering in a sea of darkness, but you will find your way, and you will survive. You always do, and I love you.”

She’s never told me that outright before, though her actions spoke loudly enough. Our environment wasn’t conducive to such endearments. If I ever get the chance to have kids, I promise to tell them every day that I love them and to find a myriad of ways to show them how much they are wanted and cherished.

I place my glass down on the coffee table and hug my sister. “I love you so much. Thank you.” Moisture glistens in my eyes.

“No more crying,” Ella says softly, handing over my glass. “We’re celebrating the future, and tears don’t belong there. Agreed?”

“Agreed.” We chink glasses, and I tilt my chin, savoring the crisp, cold sensation as it glides down my throat.

“So, you and Jarod seem to be getting on well,” I say a short while later.

Her face lights up like the sun. “We are. He’s great.” She beams, resisting the urge to hold back for the sake of my feelings. I love her even more for that.

“I know. I’m really happy for you.”

“He’s the most amazing kisser,” she says dreamily. “The things he can do with that talented tongue of his …” Her eyes glaze over, and her skin turns a subtle shade of pink.

“Eww. TMI, Ella.” I cover my ears, lest she divulge any further details. My brain is already in meltdown imaging things I definitely don’t want to be imagining.

Ella laughs freely. She pries my fingers away. “You know, I think this is the first time I can honestly say that I feel genuinely carefree and happy. Imagine, it took essentially twenty years for me to be able to say that.” She looks incredulous. “If everything turns to crap tomorrow, at least I can say I got to experience life. Real life.” She takes a small sip of her wine.

“I know what you mean,” I say, pondering her prose. “Though I could’ve done without the heartache. That’s one life lesson I’d rather not have endured.”

“It’s all part of living, little sis. Life affirming. You’ll come out stronger for it. Mark my words.”

“When did you get so philosophical?” I tease.

“That’s what big sisters are for.” She nods sagely. “That and picking out the perfect rom-com to suit any occasion.” Commanding the screen to life, she expertly explores the movies on offer and settles on one that neither of us has previously seen.

At some point, we progress to a second bottle of stolen wine, but I don’t remember. I’m having too much fun. Chatting and messing about with my sister like this should remind me of old times. But there were very few occasions where we had an opportunity like this.

Making new memories is the best cure for past ills.

The screen dies when the movie credits roll, and Ella attempts to stand but sways precariously on her feet before slumping back down on the couch. I crack out a titter at the spectacle of my inebriated sister. “Oops. I think I drank too much.” She hiccups.

Damn right. I’ve only had two glasses, at most, meaning she’s polished the rest. Her speech is slightly slurred, and that makes me laugh harder. “We should clean up before Haydn gets back and gives me a lecture on the evils of drinking to cure a broken heart!” I laugh at my own joke, expecting Ella to join in, but she looks pensive. “What?”

“What about
him
?” She tucks her knees under her chin.

“What are you getting at?” Apprehension prickles under the surface of my skin.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the way he looks at you. He’s definitely got the hots for you.”

“Oh, no! No! No! No!” I climb to my feet and pace the floor. “No way! That is so not the case, and you are not sowing those seeds in my mind. We are friends. End of. That’s all.”

“If you say so. Only telling it like I see it. But you’re right. The last thing you need is to get mixed up with another alien. Stick with human boys. They’re still jerks but at least they’re a more familiar type of jerk.” She cackles. Rising, she staggers again. Clutching her around the waist, I guide her to her room. After tucking her in, I place a large glass of water by her bedside. I’ve a feeling she’s gonna need that in the morning.

Chuckling quietly, I tiptoe out of her room and head back to the kitchen to clean up.

My mind wanders back to the day I declared my “independence” and the memory of Haydn pinning me against the wall. He looked like he was thinking about kissing me. But that was fleeting insanity. Temporary craziness. He didn’t actually mean it. Or did he? I silently curse Ella for implanting these thoughts in my brain.

After I’ve washed the glasses and disposed of the empty wine bottles, I sit back down on the couch and sip a bottle of water. Ella was right about one thing, though. My little sob-fest earlier was cathartic, and I’m feeling a bit lighter after the release. But it’s going to take more than tears and a few glasses of wine to relieve the headache and heartache. At least it’s a start, I suppose.

The air quivers and a slight breeze stirs strands of my hair as Haydn arrives in the room.

I shriek. “Jeez. You startled me.”

“Sorry. I wasn’t expecting to see you. Decided you needed a break from the same four walls?” His eyes are inquisitive but kind.

“Yeah, something like that,” I mutter.

He sits down beside me, scrutinizing my face. Reaching out, he brushes the tips of his fingers under my eyes. “You’ve been crying.”

I hadn’t realized the floodgates had reopened. “A bit.” I’m finding it hard to look Haydn directly in the eye. Damn Ella for putting those errant thoughts in my mind. I don’t want to feel awkward around him.

“Did something happen?”

I snort. “You mean besides getting my heart stomped all over?”

“He never meant for it to happen. There is no way he’d intentionally hurt you.”

My head snaps up. Concern shines in his eyes. “
You
don’t know what goes on in his head.
I
don’t know what goes on in his head. Who knows what drives anyone else to behave the way they do?” I shrug. “Trying to figure out the why isn’t of any use to me. He hurt me. Deeply. Intentional or not. But I need to deal with it and move on. That’s all. If I keep over-analyzing it, I’m merely keeping the pain alive, and I can scarcely function as it is. I …”

Tears spring to life again and my lip wobbles. Great. This is so embarrassing. This is the consequence of opening myself up to these emotions. Once the void is breached, and the gaping hole is exposed, I’m unable to seal it back up.

Tentatively, Haydn pulls me to him. I rest my head on his warm shoulder as he smooths a hand over my hair. “I hate that you’re hurting,” he whispers. “You don’t deserve that. If you were mine, nothing or no one would take you away from me. I wouldn’t let it happen, no matter what else was at stake.”

His words speak of hidden meaning.

Sudden unease trickles down my spine as I sling a guarded look at him. Our faces are a whisper apart, so close that our noses touch. “What do you mean by that?”

His round hazel eyes penetrate mine. Uncertainty mixes with steely determination in his gaze, and tiny goose bumps sprout all over my skin. Before I can say or do anything to stop him, he presses his lips to mine. His mouth is warm and inviting, his kiss hesitant but soft.

The last thing I want is to hurt him, but I can’t do this with him. Especially not when my heart is shredded and red raw.

I don’t kiss him back.

Gently, I wiggle out of his embrace and put some much-needed space between us. Cheeks inflamed, I can barely look at him. I swallow hard. “Haydn.” I summon some courage and tilt my chin up. The look on his face just about kills me. He wears his emotions like a T-shirt. I know what that feels like, and I hate myself.

I’m grappling for the right words when he leaps up, dragging a hand nervously through his hair. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I can’t think about anyone else right now.”
Seriously? Those are the words that let loose on my tongue?

“Of course.” Something akin to relief sweeps over his features, and I inwardly groan.

Oh, hell.

I need to say it. To tell him there will never be a right time for us, not like that. I should explain how he’s one of my dearest friends and I hope we will always be in each other’s lives, but I have no romantic feelings toward him, nor do I ever think I will.

I should tell him this, but I don’t, because I can’t deal with his hurt right now or add more guilt to my existing messy emotional pile. So, I chicken out and say nothing further on the subject.

“I’m exhausted, Haydn. I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.” I throw a feeble smile his way. Tension and awkwardness bleeds into the air.

“Goodnight, Sadie.”

I walk toward my bedroom.

“Sadie?” he calls out behind me.

Oh, God, please don’t go there.
Reluctantly, I turn around.

He hesitates, dragging his bottom lip between his teeth. Coughing, he straightens his spine. “Sleep well.”