Authors: Nicola Haken
The table topic shifted to Bethany’s art
assignment which
was due in school nest week. She was absolutely bursting with enthusiasm and practically bounced Tigger-style out of the room to fetch it. Silence descended in her absence but was soon interrupted by the bleep of Richard’s cell.
He ignored it, which instantly confirmed he didn’t think it was work related. But then it beeped again, making him fumble around in his jacket pocket while he tried to switch it to silent without actually removing it. Vivienne was observing him suspiciously, but I couldn’t work out if that was because she sensed his dubious phone-behaviour too, or she could just tell how tense and pissed off it was making me.
“Amy, will you join me upstairs? I’d like some help choosing an outfit for the Finding Hope charity ball next week.”
Seriously? Girly fashion-talk with the mother-in-law… lucky me.
“Of course,” I said politely because I didn’t want to offend her. Richard pursed his eyebrows at his mom, as if he smelt something fishy. I got up and followed Vivienne without saying a word to him. Justified or not, I couldn’t help feeling agitated over his mysterious text-buddy. Bizarrely, and wholly irrationally, I think I felt a little jealous.
V
ivienne and I made our way up the grand spiral staircase and I perched on the edge of a white leather chaise longue in a closet that was easily as big as a bedroom. It had a polished white tiled floor, lilac walls and rows upon rows of shelves and rails.
“You look exhausted,” Vivienne noted, casting a probing glance over my face. “Are you sure everything’s okay between you two?”
“Richard and me are fine,” I said with a little too much unevenness in my voice as my ridiculous text jealousy reared its ugly head. “I’ve just had a tough day at work,” I added, although it was a complete and utter understatement.
“Ah, yes… you’re internship. How are you finding it?”
Tears stung the backs of my eyes as I explained what it was like working at Salt House. Every word reminded me of my dad as I described the building. I could no longer visualise the building without remembering how it felt to be pinned against it.
Vivienne nodded along, remaining politely interested in everything I had to say. Every so often she’d hold up a dress for my opinion and given the fact I had zero fashion sense, all I kept saying was ‘that one looks lovely’. In all honesty, Vivienne didn’t seem to be paying that much attention to the outfits (or my opinion of them) and I started to wonder if she’d really invited me up here for some other reason.
“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on with you and Richard now?”
What!
I sat up sharply - stunned by her invasive, direct question. Then it dawned on me why she really brought me upstairs.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I tried to lie, but my treacherous cheeks betrayed me and flushed ruby-red.
“You seem edgy towards him. Come on, what’s he done?” she asked in a sympathetic
tone which
I didn’t have the balls (or the heart) to ignore.
“He’s done nothing. It’s me,” I admitted, and then dropped my head in embarrassment. “He’s been talking to someone, a
lot
, lately, and I feel like he’s purposely keeping whoever it is from me.”
Vivienne hung the purple dress she’d been holding back on the rail and then came to sit beside me on the chaise longue.
“I know it sounds ridiculous.”
“It absolutely doesn’t,” Vivienne said, placing a warm, comforting hand on my knee. “Men are very tricky creatures, Amy. You just need to learn how to interpret them.” I breathed a small giggle. “You know he’s not having an affair though, don’t you? I know my son – he would never hurt you like that.” I smiled as the love she felt for Richard warmed the air around us.
“I know that. I know he loves me… he’s the only person who ever has,” I said and then instantly regretted it. I’d forgotten that Vivienne didn’t know the full extent of my fucked-up-ness and I hoped she didn’t press me to elaborate.
Thankfully she didn’t, choosing instead to pull me into a one-armed hug. Her unexpected closeness took me aback and my body stiffened under her hold. I still wasn’t
one-hundred
percent used to it – not when it came out of the blue… Richard was the only person who’d ever held me like that.
I think she sensed my discomfort and pulled away, tucking a rogue strand of her honey-blonde hair behind her ear.
“You know, it’s probably just
Joanna
.”
Wow,
she said her name with the same distaste as I did. “He knows you too don’t get along and is probably just trying to avoid fuelling the fire.” It was like a 100watt light bulb springing to life in my mind. I hadn’t even considered…
her.
It made so much sense.
“I don’t know what it is with her. I’ll never understand why he can’t see her for what she really is,” Vivienne said acidly, shaking her head and wrinkling her nose in disgust.
Why? What is she?
“A lying, scheming trollop…” she tacked on and I was stunned into a jaw-dropping silence. Not that I disagreed of course. I had just convinced myself that it was all in my head.
I flashed Vivienne an I-couldn’t-agree-with-you-more look. My subconscious was itching for more information but I didn’t think I was brave enough to ask.
“What did she do?” I blurted out before I had time to talk myself out of it. I clasped my hands across my knee and eagerly awaited the dirt.
“She broke his heart,” she said soberly and I think she just broke mine. I felt it shatter into a billion pieces inside my chest, knowing that Joanna even
had
Richard’s heart to break.
“But he said
he
broke up with
her
,” I uttered, my voice rich with confusion… and heartbreak. “Did he lie to me?”
“Oh, he did. And then when she couldn’t accept it, she told him she was pregnant.”
What. The. Fuck.
I scanned the floor of the room disguised as a closet – certain my heart had leapt out of my chest and landed on it somewhere.
“She wasn’t of course!” The words sped from Vivienne’s throat. “Sorry, I really should have said that sooner.”
No shit!
I took a deep, rattling breath and realised it was the first one I’d taken since I heard the word ‘pregnant’.
“So, she
lied
?” I asked, assuming I must have misunderstood. Surely even
she
couldn’t stoop so low. More importantly, surely Richard couldn’t forgive something like that.
“Yes, she did. She let my son believe he was going to be a father for three whole months. The lie wasn’t sustainable of course. I think she planned to tell him she’d miscarried, but her web of deceit had started to spin far beyond her control. I don’t quite know how Richard found out – he’s never told me. All I know is that wretched woman destroyed my son that day and I will
never
forgive her for that.”
Holy mother fucking hell…
How do you possibly respond to this kind of revelation?
“I hadn’t seen him flash a single smile since that day. Not until the day he came home and told me about you,” she admitted with a warm smile. She grasped my hand and squeezed it gently, almost as if she was
thanking
me. “Of course, we’d just lost Kate too. It was all too much for him. He simply couldn’t cope.” She bowed her head at the memory. Possibly so I couldn’t see the tears burning her eyes. “We barely saw him for the next few years. He cut himself off from us completely.”
I felt like I was going to cry. The thought of Richard being unhappy stabbed into my heart like a knife, draining it completely of life. I inhaled deeply, blinking the threat of tears away.
Oh, Richard…
“From everybody except
her
of course,” she added, crinkling her nose again.
“Why would he still talk to her after that?
How
could he?” I asked, genuine bewilderment tainting my voice.
“I honestly have no idea. All I’ve ever been told is that they ‘worked through it’,” she said, using her fingers as quotation marks. “He knows what I think of her but he refuses to take me on. He closes down at the mention of her name and I’m too afraid to push it.”
Vivienne, afraid?
Afraid of
Richard
?
Surely not…
“I couldn’t bare it if I lost him again.”
So that’s what she’s afraid of.
We had more in common that I realised.
“I’m sure that won’t happen. Richard loves you very much,” was the only thing I could think of to say. She smiled gratefully at me but I couldn’t fathom why – I only offered her the truth.
“He loves you too, you know? I’ve never seen him so happy.”
“I struggle to believe that,” I admitted honestly. Vivienne cocked her head to the side and pursed her perfectly pruned eyebrows, looking puzzled. “About making him happy, I mean.”
“Oh, Amy, why would you think such a thing? He
adores
you!” I was so tempted to reel off my list of flaws but that would take us into next week.
“I don’t have half as much to offer him as he does me,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.
“You make him laugh – it’d been so long since he’d laughed. You make him smile… and you love him. He doesn’t need anything else.” Traitorous heat flooded my cheeks and I raised my palm over my face in an effort to hide my embarrassment.
“I sometimes think that I come with so much baggage though. Far more than he deserves to have to deal with,” I blurted without thinking, running the risk of exposing my fucked-up-ness again.
“And now you know about his past with Joanna, and the fact that – as much as it pains me to say it – she still means something to him… do you think any less of him? Do you think he’s not worthy of you?”
“No! Of course not,” I pronounced a little too loudly and then threw my hand over my mouth, hoping I didn’t draw attention from anyone downstairs. Though on reflection, that was probably impossible in a house this size.
“Exactly. You can’t choose who you fall in love with, Amy. It’s written in the stars.” I smiled warmly at her, cherishing the delicate dance my heart was doing over her beautifully simple outlook on life.
“That’s such a nice way of viewing things. How do you stay so positive? I mean
,
you’ve been through so much. You all have…” My question might seem bizarre to normal people, but it was one that’d been burning a hole in the back of my mind for as long as I could remember. Positivity was such an alien concept – one I was certain I hadn’t been born with.
“Believe me that isn’t always the case,” she answered, smiling her warm motherly smile. “But I’ve discovered, if you’re ever feeling bad, or lost, or hurt… help someone and it goes away. My charity keeps me strong in that respect. It’s extremely difficult to feel down knowing you have helped somebody else transform their life.” I smiled half-heartedly at Vivienne. If that was the answer to positivity, I was screwed. What help could I be to anybody?
“And whether you believe it or not, you
have
helped my son.” I forced a smile but my subconscious was crying with laughter at the ridiculous notion. “You didn’t see him for all those years after Kate… after Joanna. He was like a robot – moving and talking when prompted, but there was no life inside him.
You
brought my boy back to life.
You
put the sparkle back into those gorgeous green eyes of his.
You.
Nothing will ever convince me otherwise.”
My heart was fluttering at one thousand beats per minute and I was suddenly desperate to get back to Richard. I wanted to hold him, squeeze him and never let him go. I wanted –
needed
– to tell him how much I loved him, and thank him for loving
me
.
“Therefore nothing else matters to me,” she continued. “Your past, your age… it’s irrelevant. You’ll always be the girl who saved my son and for that I’ll never be able to repay you.”
“Thank you, Vivienne,” I said and then I did something I had
never
done to anyone except Richard before… I reached out and hugged her first. She reciprocated, embracing me ever so gently. Her arms were as light and graceful as a sheet of silk enfolding around me. I wondered if this was what having a mother was like. A
real
mother anyway. One who gave a crap whether you lived or
died.
Richard was so lucky to have such a beautiful, compassionate woman in his life…and now, so was I.
“We’d best make our way downstairs before Richard sends out a search party for you,” Vivienne pronounced as if she knew all too well just how protective Richard was of me. I smiled and nodded my head.
“And remember, about those phone calls… just ask him. He won’t lie to you. I know he won’t.”
Hmm,
ask
him?
The principle seemed ever so rational and straightforward coming from Vivienne’s mouth. Maybe that was because Vivienne
was
rational. In my screwed up mind however, I had built the whole situation up into a huge un-climbable mountain – assuming Richard would take it as me being a pathetic, jealous control freak.
Which I totally was.
I role-played the scenario in my head. Richard’s phone would bleep. He’d pick it up and look at the screen. ‘Hey, who’s that from?’ I would ask innocently. ‘Oh, it’s just–
insert name here
-’.