Authors: Nicola Haken
“We should really sort that out,” Richard said with a trace of a smile – his gaze landing on the bath. But we didn’t. Not straight away anyhow.
First, Richard wiped the drying tears from my cheeks with his gentle fingers and then I did the same to him – our haunted eyes never leaving each other. Then he gave me a final hug – a hard one, clutching me firmly against him as if it were the last chance he’d ever get to do it – before springing lithely to his feet and diving for the overflowing bathtub.
As I stepped into the steaming lavender water, I noticed Richard undressing. I smiled warmly, realising he was getting in too. I didn’t want to be alone – I didn’t trust myself right now in a room full of so many sharp objects.
“Ah, shit…” I winced as the water slapped my scuffed arms, stinging the crap out of them. Then I stared at the mess I’d made of myself and sighed, overcome with crushing feelings of shame and frustration.
Stupid bitch,
my subconscious growled.
Richard tested the water with a dip of his big toe and I parted my legs to make room for him when he stepped over the edge, climbing in opposite me so we were face to face.
“It’s not as bad as it looks. They’ll soon heal over,” he said reassuringly, raising my chin with his forefinger to drag my gaze away from my arms.
“I feel so stupid,” I admitted, too embarrassed to look him in the eye.
“Don’t you dare,” he said sternly, taking my face in his hands and forcing me to look at him. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for any of this. Today was
not
your fault. Do you hear me?”
“Maybe not. But my reaction is. Look at what I’ve done to myself!” I snapped unintentionally. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I’m just… tired. I hate the way I can never seem to cope like normal people. I hate-”
“Stop that. Right now,” he ordered. “’Stop it with this desire to be ‘normal’. What the hell is ‘normal’ anyway?” he continued, using air quotes to excess. “’Normal’ people as you put it couldn’t even begin to
imagine
the things you’ve been through, let alone survive them. Yet here you are, still fighting, striving. You’re right, Amy… you’re not normal. You are so much more.”
Sighing resignedly, I closed my eyes and absorbed the comfort brought by Richard’s hands on each of my thighs as he smoothed shower soap over my wet skin. The warmth of his touch against my flesh was more comforting, more intense, than any blade, and I completely lost myself in the sensation.
We bathed in silence for a while and I just stared at Richard, captivated by the sight of his naked beauty as he washed me down with a soft, white sponge dipped in jojoba crème. The love I felt for him physically throbbed deep in my chest. He was so beautiful in every sense of the word – inside
and
out. I found myself blinking as if trying to pull myself out of a dream.
Was he really mine?
“I’ll call my mom – cancel dinner,” Richard said as he used his hands to lap the water over my skin and rinse the lather away.
I contemplated his words for a moment. The idea of drying off and heading to bed to hibernate under the super-king sized quilt was awfully tempting.
“No,” I decided defiantly. I
wouldn’t
let my dad send me back to that place. “I want to go. I just want everything to go back to normal.”
“Baby, you’ve been through so much tod-”
“Please, Richard,” I talked over him. “I just want to try and forget it ever happened.”
If that was even possible.
“Okay. Well, we won’t stay long. You need to rest.” Ah, Bossy Doctor had arrived and in a strange way I found it bizarrely comforting. It made me feel cared for, protected.
Richard never left my side as I towelled myself dry and threw on my clothes – watching intently the whole time as if I was made of china. I opted for my long-sleeved dusty-pink turtleneck to cover my scrawbed arms and
wrists which
had finger-shaped mottled bruises beginning to appear, and I paired it with black flared pants and peep-toe heels. Then I roughly curled my hair and applied a smattering of make-
up which
didn’t even begin to conceal my drab, grey skin.
Richard dragged on some black jeans and a tight-fitting white v-neck – going from gloriously naked to Vogue cover material in thirty seconds flat.
“You look perfect,” Richard breathed, bending to kiss my forehead.
Liar.
After one final glance in the mirror I caked on a little more blush in an attempt to make my skin look a little less
dead,
and drew in a deep, composing breath before following Richard towards the door.
“Dammit! The perfume.” I suddenly remembered that it was stashed away in the
Audi which
was still parked outside work.
“I’ve got it right here,” Richard said with a wink, teasing the shiny gold package out of his brown leather jacket.
“How did you-” My head involuntarily tilted to one side and my eyebrow was doing Richard’s baffled crawling-towards-the-scalp thing.
“I had David collect the car. It’s parked downstairs in the lot.” That explained it. I had briefly wondered how Richard was managing to cope so well knowing one of his babies was lying alone and abandoned down an isolated street. Then again, it must have been equally difficult for him to allow David to drive his car. Despite being twenty-three years old – therefore a whole five years older than me – Richard saw David as his ‘baby’ brother.
“I’m still not sure about the perfume thing. My mom is very particular with things like that,” he added, and I wanted to slap his perfect face.
“Firstly, will you start trusting me? I’m a woman – we know these things. I’m telling you she’ll love it.”
“Fine. Whatever you say,” he said playfully, surrendering his palms in the air. “And second?”
“Secondly, she wouldn’t say even if she didn’t. Your mom’s way too nice for that.”
Richard let out an exaggerated laugh.
“You really don’t know my mom at all. Believe me, she has no problem offending anyone.” An impish grin crawled across his face. I didn’t believe him though. I couldn’t accept that Vivienne was anything less than graceful.
**********
Climbing the white stone steps up to the front door of Richard’s parents’ house, I was looking forward to seeing Vivienne again and hearing more of Richard’s childhood antics. I’d met her three times now, twice accompanied by Richard’s sister Bethany, and she was such
easy
company.
So gracious and attentive.
Vivienne greeted me with a warm, tender hug. It didn’t feel as awkward as it used to and I hugged her back with equal affection.
“Happy birthday,” I said as she released me. She smiled lovingly at me.
“Happy birthday, Mom,” Richard repeated before leaning in for his own hug. He handed her the shiny gold present and she eyed it up curiously. It was evident from the look on her face that she was surprised – clearly not used to getting anything that didn’t fit inside a card.
Easing her finger into a gap in the paper, she carefully peeled it open without tearing a single bit. Her eyes widened, smoothing out the feathery creases, and a surprised smile emerged on her lips.
“My favourite! Thank you, darling,” she said to Richard and then winked in my direction. He turned to me, flashing a how-the-hell-did-you-know look and then mouthed ‘thank you’.
“You’re welcome, Mom,” he said, taking all the credit. “Where’s Dad?”
“He’s taking a call upstairs,” Vivienne replied, rolling her eyes. Sometimes it seemed Alistair didn’t work to live – he lived to work. But standing in this humongous house, he’d most certainly reaped the rewards of such dedication. “He should be down soon. Come through to the living room. Bethany can’t wait to see you.”
We retreated to the living room – a different one than last time, confirming my notion that there was a whole host of these rooms dotted around the house. This room was equally huge,
naturally
, with rich brown walls, wooden tables and cream fabric, upholstered furniture.
Bethany was sat on the armchair in the corner with her eyes closed – her head bopping up and down to the beat coming from her earphones which I could hear from across the room. Richard headed over and gave her a playful kick in the shin. Her eyes shot open and she hurdled from her seat, throwing herself onto her brother.
After a minute or so of swaying him from side to side she turned her attention to me, running up and throwing her arms around me. I had to try very hard not to wince when she inadvertently brushed along my delicate forearms.
“Hey, Bethany,” I greeted, returning her hug. I was getting good at the whole being affectionate thing. Richard watched us with a contented glint in his eye. He looked so happy, so at home – surrounded by his beautiful family. It made me smile.
“The guest of honour has arrived. Let’s get this party started!” a mischievous voice which could’ve only belonged to David, bellowed as he came barrelling in from the hall, rubbing his hands together. Everyone seemed to take it in turns to roll
their
eyes before giggling at him.
David had the power to brighten even the dullest of situations in an instant and I’d really grown to love him. He was funny, laidback to the point of being permanently horizontal, and immature in the most loveable of ways. He also brought out a younger, more carefree side of Richard and I often found my jaws aching with laughter when they were together – usually tossing playful insults each other’s way.
I watched as he gave Vivienne a birthday kiss on the cheek before handing her a card. She teased it open and thanked him genuinely for the gift-
card which fell out
into her hands.
Boys.
Alistair joined us just as dinner was served. He offered me my usual peck on the cheek and Richard his formal handshake, and then we all sat down to eat.
“So, darling, it must be almost time for the Little Wishes ball?” Vivienne addressed Richard. I had no idea what she was talking about and I paused mid-mouthful to hear his answer.
“I’m not attending this year,” he answered flatly.
What’s eating him?
“Why on earth not? Amy would love to go!”
Would I?
“What’s the Little Wishes ball?” I asked inquisitively, confused by Richard’s sudden change in temperament.
“Little Wishes is a charity endorsed by the hospital. They raise money for terminally ill kids. The hospital hosts a ball once a year with all proceeds going straight to the charity.”
“Richard usually gives a speech,” Vivienne interrupted proudly. “Have they not asked you to speak this year?”
“No. I’m not going, I told you.” Wow, he was
actually
pissed. I didn’t get it.
Unless it was because he didn’t want to take
me?
Shit, that was it… he was ashamed of me.
Richard’s snappishness had made it crystal clear that the ball was an unwelcome subject and the conversation was quickly abandoned. For now at least – I planned to bring it up again when we were alone.
Dinner was exquisite as usual. Our starter was spiced tomato soup with croutons and a selection of warm breads, followed by slow-roasted rosemary lamb, roast potatoes and green vegetables, and we finished off with a caramel soufflé – washing it all down with some kind of fruity and no doubt ridiculously expensive white wine.
After taking away our dessert dishes, Gracie soon returned with a spectacular three-tiered iced fruit cake – festooned with gold leaf, piped cream flowers and gold candles. Richard flitted from his chair and over to the light switch when he saw it approaching, dimming the bright bulb and letting the delicate candle light take over.
The candles illuminated Vivienne’s bashful expression when Gracie rested the cake on the table in front of her. Richard began the chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’ and we all joined in… even Alistair! When our terrible singing died down the sound was replaced with cheers and clapping hands as Vivienne blew out her candles.
“For she’s a jolly good fellow, for she’s a jolly good fellow…” Richard warbled and Bethany and I joined in, clapping along to the beat.
Everyone was so happy – bouncing with birthday joy. The whole atmosphere was a pleasure to be a part of and I had almost forgotten the afternoon that preceded it – until I just reminded myself that was. My mood was slipping, my weary bones returning. Cementing a smile on my face I prayed that Richard couldn’t see through my pretence.
“If this is too much we can leave?” Richard whispered into my ear, clearly seeing straight through my fake smile.
“I’m fine. Honestly,” I whispered back with a slight shake of my head. I wasn’t lying exactly, maybe just stretching the truth a little.
“If you’re sure,” he said, raising an unconvinced eyebrow at me. I nodded and he squeezed my knee under the table.
“Is everything okay between you two?” Vivienne asked suspiciously, obviously curious by the whispers we thought people were too busy to notice.
“Everything’s fine, Mom,” Richard assured her with an awkward smile before tucking his arm around my waist. She raised an incredulous eyebrow and it made me smile. Now I knew where he got
that
particular
trait from.
“Yeah, Mom, he probably just forgot to put the toilet seat down or somethin’. You know how crazy you women get over shit like that.” Vivienne silenced David with nothing more than a chastising glance whereas Richard went for the kicking him under the table option. As usual David had once again lightened an
atmosphere which
was threatening to darken.