Authors: Suzanne McKenna Link
“Claudia, let him be,” my father tried to reason with me.
I tugged on his sleeve to make him move.
“Please, Dad, we have to go after him.”
“Men deal with sadness in different ways,” he said.
I was sure this was not a man/woman way of dealing with
sorrow. Toby didn’t deal with the grief, he simply cut out. I knew Dad would
never do that. Even under pressure, Dad was always rock-solid. It was he who
held me while I cried.
Dad drove home from the hospital slowly so I could keep a
lookout for the familiar lone figure walking the streets. But we never found
him.
I called April, and she and Dario came over to my house.
Dario had located Toby via text. He was at Ray’s house. Like my dad, though,
Dario opted for letting Toby be for the night. April put her arm around me and
let me lean on her shoulder.
“I feel like I failed him. I fell apart,” I sobbed.
“You’re only human,
mami
. You cared about Mrs. Faye.”
“He was angry at me for making him go back to the hospital.”
“You did the right thing, chica. He may not see that now,
but eventually he will.” April squeezed my shoulders.
The next day, Dad watched me as I pushed my dinner around on
the dish. I’d cried all night and most of the day. He’d come in to sit with me
for an hour and rubbed my back like he used to do when I was younger.
“Your financial aid package came in the mail yesterday,” he
said. I knew he was trying to lift my spirits. “Everything seems to be in
order.”
Any other time, the way he simply relayed the message,
without taking a stance, would’ve made me happy. Right now, USC seemed so
unimportant. All I could think of was that Mrs. Faye was gone. Really gone. In
all the time I’d worked for her, it never occurred to me that she might
actually die. I had chosen not to believe it.
I tried hard to refocus my thoughts of her. I wanted to
remember the deep blue eyes that crinkled when she smiled and her soft,
encouraging words as she reminded me that dreams were worth chasing. In such a
short time, she had become a big part of my life, a bright spot as I worked
through my problems with my father. I remembered how happy she looked when she
found out Toby and I were dating. I knew, too, that she was part of the reason
I’d fallen in love with Toby. I had fallen in love with both of them—being
around them, watching the two of them together. Mrs. Faye had let me in—she’d
made me feel at home and part of her family.
It was difficult to imagine it was over, that all I had left
were a few months of memories, but it was Toby’s behavior that was truly
inconceivable. I couldn’t get a grip on how he was acting. That he didn’t want
to be with me made the loss of Mrs. Faye all that more awful. In my experience,
death brought people together, not pushed them apart. Nothing about his
reaction made any sense.
I waited all day for Toby to call me. After I’d finished
helping Dad with the dinner dishes that night, I realized he probably wasn’t
going to. And I simple couldn’t wait any longer. I was going to Ray’s to get
him, whether he liked it or not. We needed to be together to get through this.
“I’ll drive you,” Dad said, when I told him what I was going
to do.
I smiled tightly at him. “Thank you for offering, but I need
to go by myself.”
“Claudia, I don’t want you driving around with this Van
Sloot kid on the loose.”
“I’ll be extremely careful.”
He stroked his mustache thoughtfully. “I suppose you’ll be
alright. An unmarked has been posted in that area.”
Making me promise I would go ‘there and back with absolutely
no detours,’ he let me go.
It was dusk when I rounded the corner near Ray’s house.
There was no sign of the Jeep out front, just Ray’s mother, sitting on the
front stoop smoking a cigarette. She was wearing only a short, black silky robe
with her bare legs extended out in front of her. I got out of the car and
approached her.
Up close, I could see she was almost attractive if it
weren’t for the bad skin and wiry hair. She looked tired and her makeup slept in.
Not that she seemed to care.
Though I was leery of Ray and his family, I needed to know
where Toby was.
“Hi. I’m looking for Toby. Do you know where he is?”
She nodded. I watched her pick at her teeth with a long
pinkie nail. “That’s a shame about his mother. Poor guy’s a mess. Spent the
night. Ray had to work the night shift, but I stayed with him.”
I didn’t sense any malice, but her words irked me. Toby had
chosen to come here—to her—instead of letting me take care of him. The
knowledge cut me.
“Do you know where he is?” I repeated, less patiently.
She tightened the sash on her robe and nodded. “Yeah, Ray
and him went back to his mother’s house.”
Ray found me in the bathtub when he came in from work. I had
slithered into the bathroom, turned on the shower, and, too drained to remove
my jeans, I crawled into the tub and let the hot spray soak me. Wearing his
7-Eleven work shirt, Ray smelled of coffee and grilled hot dogs as he helped me
to my feet and moved me to his bed where I’d slept most of the day away.
Later, sobered up, I drove home. Ray followed me back,
making sure I got there without incident before going on a food excursion.
I was sick to my stomach, reeling from the after-effects of
last night’s tequila binge, but still, I couldn’t bring myself to sit inside
the empty house. I went out to the back deck instead.
I had awoken with slits for eyes that morning. My head was
banging, and Diane was sleeping next to me in her bed. Her hair was in disarray
around her face, and she was wearing nothing more than a tee shirt and panties.
My own jeans were down low around my hips as if I’d either tried to get them
off, or back on, and had lost interest in doing either. Diane’s hand lay over
my bare stomach, not far from my unzipped fly, and I recalled the awful dead
feeling I had inside me. Last night, it had been so horrible, I’d clung to her
just to feel alive. It was the first time I had ever been too drunk to remember
what I’d done, or if I’d even been fucking laid.
I used my cell twice before I shut it down. I had texted a
stock guy at work about Julia’s death and asked him to relay it to Abe. I then
answered a call from Joan, who cried into the phone that she’d been worried
about me.
“Come stay with me for a few days,” she begged.
“I’m fine,” I tried to reassure her, though it was a lie.
She reminded me we had to make funeral arrangements, and I
promised to call her back the next day to talk about it.
Ray returned with sandwiches and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
“Let’s make a toast to moms,” he said opening the bottle.
Yeah, I killed mine and screwed yours. Salute!
“Let's not.”
I swiped the bottle from him and cracked the seal. I was
afraid if I didn’t keep myself mellowed, I would grab something, twist it, tear
it apart, decimate it—and really, nothing deserved the punishment I so
desperately wanted to give. Except maybe Dev. About to take a mouthful, the
sweet bite of liquor hit my nose. My stomach lurched with a sickening reminder
of last night.
I pushed the bottle away and lit another cigarette. Letting
my head rest against the chair back, I blew out a ring of smoke. My family was
gone. It didn’t seem real. I spiraled further under the weight of the truth. I
was alone.
I didn’t even have Claudia anymore. Being with her had
always been a pipe dream. It’d been a fluke that I’d managed to get her in the
first place. Even if she had wanted to stay with me, once she found out what
I’d done, she would wish we were burying me instead of Julia.
As I stared up at the night sky, I briefly considered what
was next. Before Julia got sick, I had wanted to enlist in the Marine Corp. Now
there was nothing stopping me. I welcomed the thought of being pushed to my
physical limit. Let them beat the shit out me. I wanted it. I deserved it.
Maybe they’d send me overseas where I could lose myself in someone else’s
fight.
34.
Claudia
There were three cars in the driveway: Mrs. Faye’s little
compact, Toby’s Jeep, and Ray’s white sedan. The house was dark. So he wouldn’t
worry, I texted my father about the change in plans.
I entered the house and heard voices out back. Before I even
opened the slider, I could smell the heady scent of pot.
Ray and Toby were slouched in chairs at the outdoor table.
The burning ember of rolled hemp flared brightly as Toby took a hit. Gritty eyed,
both of them looked up at me as the door squealed open in its track.
Toby looked disturbing. Dangerous and wild. He eyed me as he
flicked ashes on the deck, his scrubby face an unreadable mask surrounded by
his random mess of wavy hair. Unnerved, I remained silent, waiting for him to
say something first.
“You don’t need to be here anymore.” He exhaled a mouthful
of smoke. “Julia’s gone, and you’ve made it pretty clear you’d rather be in
California. So just turn around and go back there.” With a finger, he motioned
a circle and pointed to the door.
I hadn’t expected a warm welcome, but his words stung.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I told him.
Ray took the joint from Toby’s fingers and got up. I was
glad when he dropped off the deck and disappeared around to the side of the
house. Toby, too, got up and stepped off the deck onto the grass.
I was unsure about how to cross the distance that separated
us. He’d never drunk much or smoked, at all, around me. Despite it all, I felt
the need to protect him. I moved closer and pressed a hand against his back.
The stench of pungent smoke and alcohol hovered over him.
Before I could say anything, in a voice that was suddenly
small, Toby said, “You know the last thing Julia said to me? She said she was
tired.” His lips trembled, but then he scrunched up his face. “I was so awful.
She didn’t want to deal with me anymore.”
Desperate, I grabbed his hand and made him look at me.
“Your mother was a frail, sickly woman. She had to fight to
stay alive. She probably was tired—tired of trying to be brave and keep a smile
on her face. Toby, she was not tired of you!”
He shook his head. “She told me I didn’t try hard
enough—that I had no plan for my future. I know she was only trying to get me
to do better, to want more, but I fought her. I was tired, too. Tired of
tiptoeing around her and always having to take care of her. I hated everything
about her that night. And I destroyed her.” He put his head back and let out a
long, ragged sigh. “You’re right to get the hell out of here and forget about
me. You took a smart, easy out, Claude. You ran.”
I grasped onto both his hands. “Look at me,” I insisted.
“I’m not running away. I’d never do that. I love you.”
With cool eyes, he pulled his hands from mine. “You picked
the wrong guy to fall in love with. I never said it back to you because I can’t
feel it. I don’t know how.”
“But you do love me,” I persisted.
Angling his chin defiantly, he said, “No. I don’t.”
I stepped back. A physical slap would have stung less.
“Are you trying to hurt me?”
“No, but it’s unavoidable. You believe everything’s going to
be fine, but you don’t have any experience with this. As soon as you tear off
to school, it won’t matter how you feel right now,” he said. “Things change. We
won’t last. Might as well cut ourselves loose now.”
I felt my temper flare. “Oh, so you’re the expert?”
“I know more than you about relationships,” he shrugged. “We
got caught up, and it was good while it lasted. Let’s just admit it, Claude. We
both know you don’t belong with me. I’ll never be enough for you.”
I stamped my foot. “Who are you to decide where I belong,
and what’s enough for me? You’re acting a hell of a lot like my father!”
His eyes narrowed. “At least your father has always had my
number—a broken guy from a bad family who’ll never amount to anything. His
worst nightmare.”
“My father doesn’t know you. If you give him some time—”
“I don’t need his fucking approval,” he growled.
“You don’t need it, but maybe you should want it. When I
told him what happened with Devlin, he was actually worried about you."
“You told him!” Toby’s mouth dropped open and his nostrils
flared. “How could you fucking do that? Christ, you really are daddy’s little
girl,” he said with a venomous sneer.
I swallowed hard and held myself in check. “Since Devlin’s
about to be arrested, I didn’t see the need to keep it secret!”
His eyes grew wide. “A warrant was issued?”
I nodded. “Yes. Didn’t you know?”
“I thought I had more time. Shit!”
“Whatever you’re worried about, my father can help you.”
“Yeah. He’ll help me right into a fucking cell.”
Toby turned then, dismissing me as he shouted over his
shoulder, “Ray!”
At that moment, the way he was behaving, I wanted to do
exactly what he was telling me and leave him, but I knew I couldn’t.
Fear
divides
, Mrs. Faye’s words came to me. I wrapped my arms around his waist
and held myself against his rigid frame.
“I won’t give up on you,” I said, fighting to hold onto him
as he struggled to push me away.
“Claudia, you need to leave. Go home. Right now.”
“No. I want to stay with you.”
Making an irritated noise in the back of his throat, he
peeled me off him and stepped away. “Can’t you understand? I don’t want to be
loved.”
“I don’t care what you say. I’m still going to take care of
you.”
“I don’t want your charity.”
“My charity?” I repeated numbly. “My love isn’t charity.”
“Whatever the fuck it is, I don’t want it.” He clenched his
fists and raised them up between us. “I don’t want you, I don’t want love. I
don’t want any of it!” The scary, feral glint in his eyes and the cutting
words challenged my determination, but I stood my ground.
“Are you going to hit me, too?” I stepped closer, presenting
myself, open to his strike.
Standing stock still, he glared at me, and finally lowered
his fists. “No. Just get out of here. I don’t feel like playing nice anymore.”
“Is that what you’ve been doing with me? Playing nice with
me?”
“You’re not going to like who I really am.”
“I know who you really are.”
He gritted his teeth. “No, you haven’t seen the real me yet.
I drink and I fight. I fuck around.”
“You aren’t like that anymore.”
“I still am. Will always be.”
“You’ve been drinking, that’s all—”
“That’s not all I’ve done.” His eyes bore into me as he
shook his head. “I was with Ray’s mother last night.”
“I know. She said—”
“I fucked her.”
His words whipped the air from my lungs, and a burn blazed
the back of my throat. “You’re … you’re lying,” I stammered, unable to accept
what he said.
“Believe whatever you want,” he muttered.
I thought back to the front stoop—the bare legs sticking out
from a short black robe and the smeared makeup.
I stayed with him
, she’d
said. I stared at Toby, waiting for him to fidget or blink. Anything that would
tell me he was making it up. But he didn’t. Something sour churned in my
stomach and began to creep up my throat.
“But why? How … how could you do that … to me?” I cried.
He shrugged, indifferent. “I was hammered. She was there.”
His cool attitude was the last nail in the coffin. An awful
funnel of energy twisted and turned inside me like a tornado. Stepping forward,
I slapped him across the face, as hard as I could. My hand stung, and the ruddy
imprint of it stood out even on his unshaven face. He closed his eyes and took
a steadying breath. When he opened them, he nodded, almost seeming satisfied by
my response.
Horrified that I’d just struck him, the steam left me, and
my arms dropped limply at my sides. I stood there, weak, like a balloon losing
air. Soon, I felt hot tears roll down my face. The loss, all the stress and the
hurt piled on me like an unbearable weight, and I felt as if I would crumble to
the ground at his feet.
Instead of falling down, I started to laugh. Tears burst
from my eyes as I struggled to breathe through my hysterical laughter. Like a
lunatic, I was unable to stop it.
Without another word, Toby turned and strode towards the
back of the house. As I watched him leave me, the laughter slowly ebbed in my
throat until it died.
The night was darkening, and the only light came from a
naked, yellow bulb over the sliding glass doors. At the door, Toby barked out,
“Ray!” once more and disappeared inside.
Feeling drained and so very, very tired, I dragged myself to
my car. Looking back at the house, I could see Ray and Toby having a heated
conversation by the front door. Toby’s eyes lanced me once before he turned
away. I climbed in the car and started the engine. By that point, I was
grateful to be ignored.
A set of headlights was coming slowly up the road behind me.
I could not bear to stay one second longer, and so I floored the gas pedal and
pulled out in front of it, racing forward and away.
I drove to the beach and got out of my car. The water was my
sanctuary. The air was cooler at the bay, and the water was like glass, serene
and gently lapping against the sand. I didn’t get too far out onto the beach
when I fell to my knees. My throat was parched and achy. I didn’t think I had
any moisture left in my body, but tears still managed to fill my eyes.
I stared out at the water, not really seeing it. Mrs. Faye
was gone, and Toby had thrown me away. After sharing so much, I never could
have imagined that he could snub and betray me so easily. Had I totally misread
him?
Over and over, Toby’s awful words replayed inside my head,
and I wasn’t aware of anything around me until a thick-built figure stopped
beside me. With a start, I looked straight up into Devlin’s face.
He glanced down at me, almost sympathetic. “You okay,
Claudia?”
Fear flashed through me.
From my kneeling position, I trained my eyes on him and
squirmed as far from him as I could. “Don’t touch me.”
He held up his hands. “Easy. You looked upset. I just wanted
to see if you were alright.”
I contemplated my chances of getting to my feet and running
before he could catch me, but he was too close. Banking on him not knowing I
was aware of his impending arrest, I decided to behave calmly until I had an
opportunity to run.
“I’m fine. But I’d rather be alone.”
Instead, he moved closer. My pulse quickened. His eyes
turned towards the water, and without looking at me he said, “I’ve never been
good with girls. But you were nice to me, and I sort of thought I had a chance
with you.” He let out a wistful laugh.
Staying low and with as little movement as possible, I
planted my feet in the sand.
“It was a real fucking disappointment when you started
messing around with Faye. But I’ll give the guy one thing, he certainly gets
around.” Devlin turned back to me, and I froze. “I can’t believe he got you
and
Ray’s old lady.”
Toby’s infidelity was common knowledge. That awareness made
the knot in my stomach twist tighter. The pain forced me to drop back down onto
my knees. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I rocked myself, trying to
repress the sensation when I felt Devlin’s hand on the back of my neck. My skin
prickled.
“Let go of me!” I tried pulling away from him, but he
clamped down roughly and held me immobile. Dread bloomed rapidly in my heart.
Devlin dropped down next to me, practically ripping my arm
from the socket, and pulled me back against him. I opened my mouth to scream,
but a meaty hand clamped tightly against my throat making it impossible for any
words to pass. Only able to pull in only thin slips of air, I began to gag.
“I’m sorry. I almost wish I didn’t have to do this to you,”
he said. “But this is his fault. I warned him I’d come for you if he tipped off
the cops.”
I jabbed my elbow backwards, connecting briefly with his
ribs, but he only applied more pressure. Coiled in his thick, muscled arm, I
was helpless. Devlin easily shifted me into the shadows of the old concrete
building that housed the rustic beach bathrooms. At the north interior wall, he
lurched forward, throwing himself on top of me. His massive body forced me
down, slamming me into the compacted sand. All the breath left my lungs, and,
for a moment, my mind went blank. Struggling to refill my lungs, I scratched at
the thick arm that held me.
“Bitch,” he howled as I dug my nails into him. Spittle
formed on his lips, and his eyes went dark just before he raised his arm. The
back of his giant hand clapped my face. The force spun my head round and I
tasted blood. Dazed, I could do little to stop his hand as it slid over my
chest and moved to the button fly of my jean shorts. He released his hold on my
neck to tug at them.
No, no, no, I screamed in my head. Innately, I understood if
I didn’t stop him now, I would be forever ruined. I inhaled a lungful of air
and screamed as loudly as I could.
My voice, dampened by the humid air, was shrill and wild. At
the same time, I grabbed handfuls of Devlin’s hair, yanking and ripping at it.
With his weight on my legs, his knees digging painfully into my shins, he tried
to recapture my arms. I twisted wildly under him, hitting his face.
My next memory is of a sudden loud grunt, followed by a
spray of sand on my face, and I was left striking air. Devlin was gone.
Shocked and panting, I scrambled to my feet and saw two
bodies locked in combat a few feet to my right. Their muffled grunts and angry
jeers cut through the quiet night air. Devlin was now fighting off an attacker
of his own. Toby was over him. He slammed Devlin’s head with his fists, over
and over. It seemed to go on endlessly until finally Devlin stopped moving.
Huffing, Toby fell to his knees.