Savory Deceits (13 page)

“You want me to get that?” I asked her.

“Huh?” She said.

“Your coat, I mean. It's wet; I can hang it up for you.” I offered.

“Oh, yeah sure, thanks.” She said turning around so I could help slip the coat off her shoulders. I removed her coat, and when she turned around, I nearly froze. Staring at her protruding waistline, I marveled at how big she has gotten over just a few short months. Then, I guess my gawkiness made her uncomfortable, because she tried to shield herself, by wrapping her arms around her stomach. When I turned to put her coat up, she made her way into my living room, and sat down.

“So what's up?” I asked, taking a seat next to her. She straightened her back a bit, when my arm brushed hers, and I smiled at the way she always seemed to be tense around me. Usually, I did not have to say a word, and still, she would get fidgety whenever she was near me.

“To tell you the truth,” she began, turning to face me. “I actually don't know what I'm doing here. At first, I felt like I needed someone to talk to - that is why I called you. But now, I'm not so sure if coming here was such a good idea.” She said, looking down at her hands.

“Why not?” I questioned. “You could always come to me before, when you had a problem, so why should this time be any different? Is it because you’re pregnant, with what could be my baby, why you feel that you have to stay away from me?” I asked, glancing at her stomach. Nena looked down at her belly, and placed a hand over her pooch.

“Yeah, something like that.” She admitted.

“Nena look, it's me, Chris. I have not changed. You know you can talk to me.”

“I know. It just feels too weird to be talking to you about this.” She said, motioning to her belly. Then, I looked down at her stomach again.

“How far along are you now? About five months?” I asked. She jerked her head up, and looked at me as if stunned.

“Yes I am.” She said. Then, I leaned against the back of the couch, resting my hands behind my head.

“So, I take it that Tony knows by now huh?” I asked her. Then she sighed.

“About the baby, yes. About us, no.” She disclosed.

“Oh.” I replied raising my brows. “Well? Do you plan on telling him?” I asked her. She shrugged her shoulders.

“That, I don't know. Besides, I'm not really worried about telling Tony right now, I'm more worried about what I'm going to tell Naima.” She divulged.

“What do you mean?” I asked her.

“It's just that she thinks I’ve been avoiding her.” She replied.

“Well, have you?” I asked.

“Yes, I have.” She admitted.

“So what are you going to tell her?” I asked again.

Nena brought her hands to her head, and rubbed her temple.

“I don't know. This is all just too much for me right now. She is going to expect an explanation when she gets off work tonight. She already made it clear to me that she is not going to let this go. And quite frankly, I don’t think I can continue living this lie.” Wow. She seemed stressed. I could see the early signs of wrinkle lines on her forehead, from thinking too hard, no doubt. Damn, I wish she trusted me enough to let me help, or at least take care of her, so she could relax, and stop stressing.

“Do you think it's possible that she may already know what's going on?” I speculated. Nena quickly sat up, alarmed by that question.

“What? What do you mean? She can't possibly know unless you…” she said, frowning at me.

“No, I didn't say a word, but she's not stupid Nena, and you know that. If it were up to me, she would never find out about us, but you on the other hand…” I began to say.

“Wait a minute,” she said, cutting me off. “What do you mean me?” She asked defensively.

“What I mean is that you might as well be walking around with a sign that says, 'hey I slept with the man you love, and I’m having his baby,' the way you been acting lately.” Then, she gasped, seemingly insulted.

“How dare you!” She shouted rising from the couch. I rolled my eyes at how dramatic she could be sometimes.

“Sit down!” I ordered nicely. She reluctantly took her seat, a few inches away from me this time, and crossed her arms.

“Hey,” I said, inching towards her. “You asked for my opinion, so I’m giving it to you. Your avoidance of me is making it obvious that something is going on between us. Nena, Naima's not the only one who sees it. Tony sees it too.”

“What? What does Tony have to do with this?” She asked, horrified again.

“What you don't know is that I got a little visit from him today at the ship, and he asked me if there was something going on with you, that he didn't know about. Apparently, you're not doing a good job of hiding your feelings.” I told her.

“What feelings?” She asked defensively.

“The ones you claim not to have for me.” I answered.

“What! Chris, please tell me you didn't…” she started to say.

“Didn't tell him? No, I did not, but you might as well have. Look, he may have been extra busy lately, but he is not stupid. He knows there is something going on with you, and it’s somehow tied to me, or else he would not have come to me. And I wouldn't be surprised if Naima went to him with her suspicions too.” I stopped, when I noticed that my lecturing her was not helping the situation, but making it daunting for her. I did not want to upset her, or worse, give her a repeat panic attack.

“Oh God, what am I going to do?” She asked herself, breathing as if she were gasping for air. I quickly put my arm around her, trying to calm her down.

“Nena, I meant what I said when I told you that I’d be here for you, no matter what happens. No matter what you decide to do, I will be here if you need me. My door’s always open.” I reminded her. She rested her head on my shoulder sniffling, and of course, her tears were not far behind.

“But why? I have made such a mess of things. How could you still feel that way?” She asked, looking up at me. I stared at the black television screen ahead, trying to avoid meeting her eyes, and eventually her lips. I had to keep my composure, and not pressure her. I desperately wanted to take her in my arms, and make love to her again, right there on my sofa. Her sweet bodily scent was intoxicating.

“Humph, why you ask? Because I love you, that’s why.” I finally admitted to her. Those words hung in the air in dead silence, and she got quiet. This certainly cannot be a shock to her, I thought.

“You what?” She asked.

“I love you,” I repeated, “I always have.” Then, she shook her head, as if I should not have said that.

“How can you love me, when I belong to someone else?” With a pause, she then added, “I'm married.” Then, I looked at her, and searched her eyes.

“It sounds to me like you're trying to convince yourself of that, not me.” I said.

“I don't know what to say.” She said tearfully.

“You don't have to say anything. Your tears already told me what I need to know.” I said, looking down at her. I gently touched the side of her face with my hand, and used my thumb to wipe away her tears. “Stop trying to fight it, and just accept it Nena. Your constant denial is stressing you out, which is not good for you or the baby. Stop being afraid of the things you can’t control.” I said, hoping she would listen. Then, she closed her eyes for a moment, causing more tears to flow.

“But I am,” she admitted. “I'm scared to death. I do not want to hurt Tony. I love him, but… I love you too. I'm so confused.” She said, burying her face in my shoulder. Her body shuddered as she cried.

“It's okay baby,” I rubbed her back, and felt closer to her now that she finally acknowledged her feelings for me. I loved her more than anything, and would do anything to have her in my life. Nothing was off limits, if it meant that I could be with Nena forever. I would do anything, and everything, for her. “Damn, I hate to see you in this much pain.” I said thinking aloud. Suddenly, she pushed away from me, and stood up.

“I have to get out of here.” She said heading for the door.

“Then let me come with you.” I said, standing up.

“No,” she said stopping. “I need to be alone.” She told me. I started to open my mouth in protest, but she stopped me again. “Please Chris, don't. I cannot make sense of what I am feeling right now. I am not going to pretend that I do not love you, because I do. I think I always have.” Then she paused, to meet my eyes. “But I also love my husband, and I know I can't have it both ways.” She finished, and then dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. All I could do was nod.

“I understand,” I said, not really wanting to. “Trust me I do. I wish I could take your pain away.” I said again. I reached up to touch her, but decided against it. She was a wreck, and I did not want to make this any harder for her, than it already was. As bad as I wanted her to stay with me, be with me even, I knew she was right. She needed to sort things out, and figure out, where we go from here.

“Thank you.” She said, and then lightly kissed my lips. When she pulled away, she looked me in the eyes one last time, before she turned around, and left. I wanted so much to pull her close to me again, but I had to play it safe for now, and respect her boundaries. My heart ached for her though. I could see how much she hurt, and all I wanted to do was take that pain away. I guess I loved her more than I realized. All those times she came running into my arms, when things were not right with her and Tony; all those innocent nights we spent together talking, while Tony was away; the way she confided in me her deepest, most darkest fears. The friendship that we had was so pure, and so rare. Even then, I loved her. I knew I always have, but I did not expect to fall this hard for her. Now that she could be carrying my child, a child conceived out of love, I was determined more than ever, to prove to her that we belonged together. I had to make her see that. She keeps running from it, and I will be damned, if she ran right back into Tony’s arms, out of fear. I could not let that happen. Then, I grabbed my wallet and keys off the kitchen counter, but before I could make it to the door, my phone rang. I rushed to the cordless phone on the sofa, and answered after the second ring.

“Nena?” I said hopeful.

“No, it’s Tony. Why did you think it was Nena?” He asked me. Hearing his voice made me angry, and something inside me was tempted to tell him the truth about her and me.

14

~NENA~

On my way home, I kept thinking about Chris. I wanted him to hold me again, and tell me that everything was going to be fine. I wanted him to take me away from here, and shield me from the hell, that I was putting myself through. I wanted him to… I just wanted him. I loved him, and I needed him. The more I remained in his presence, the more my feelings became clearer, so I had to leave. I could not stick around, because I have already said too much. Now that I know he is in love with me too, that changes everything. Things would never be the same between us again, no matter how this whole thing played out.

After hitting every red light on my way home, I finally pulled into my assigned parking space, in front of my building. My heart felt heavy as I got out of the car.

“Finally, home sweet home,” I said to myself as I entered my condo, and flipped the light switch on.

“Hey girl, what’s up?” I jumped at the sound of her voice, and my hand went to my chest, frightened.

“Nai! I didn’t know you were here.” I was surprised to see her sitting there on my sofa.

“I wouldn’t expect you to, being as though you don’t answer your phone anymore.” She said with both arms, and legs, crossed. Her eyes were locked on me, and I looked away. All I could seem to think of, now, was Chris.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear my phone.” I lied, removing my coat. I wanted to leave, and go back to him.

“Of course you didn’t, because you turned it off.” She said again, not taking her eyes off me.

“Yeah,” I began, “I, um…” Then, Naima shook her head at me, and I stopped.

“Nena, don’t insult my intelligence. You’re starting to piss me off.” She said getting upset.

“Can we talk about this later, Nai?” I said, giving up. I was sick of trying to say the right things anymore. I dropped my purse on the chair, and went to my bedroom. Naima was on my heels within seconds.

“So, how's your day been so far?” She asked, ignoring my disposition, and inviting herself into my room.

“It was all right. I'm really tired.” I said, hoping she would take the hint. I plopped down on my bed, and started to unzip my knee-high boots. Instead of leaving, Naima crossed the room, and sat next to me on the bed. That irritated me.

“Well, I bet you are, especially with that belly getting bigger. For someone who's only five and a half months along, you seem pretty big.” She commented, gently patting my belly with her hand. I rolled my eyes.

“Well, thanks a lot for the compliment.” I said disparagingly. It was becoming hard to fake fanaticism.

“You know I didn't mean it that way.” She said, nudging me with her elbow. I was not in the mood for jokes. “What I meant was that for a first baby, you're starting to show pretty quick.” She corrected.

“Yeah, well, forgive me if I'm not so gung ho about this pregnancy.” I said, to myself more, than to her. My overthinking was starting to give me a migraine.