Savory Deceits (14 page)

“So, how was your…” I started to say.

“And what's that supposed to mean?” She asked curiously. I mentally criticized myself for my loose lips, and faked a smile.

“Nothing, Nai. I’m just feeling a bit hormonal.” I said, hoping she would drop it. Yet instead, she frowned.

“Uh uh, that's not going to fly with me this time. What is up? You have been avoiding me, and it is about time you and I had a talk. There’s something you’re not telling me, I can feel it, so spill.” She said. Damn. I felt trapped. There was no walking away, or making an excuse to leave from this one.

“Look Nai, I'm fine, really. This pregnancy is really getting to me. I'm just so tired…”

“Bullshit!” She barked, narrowing her eyes at me. “I've known you what, all your life, and you’ve always been a terrible liar. I can see you still are, so do not play games with me Nena. Tell me what is going on. You know you can talk to me. I'm here for you sis.” She said, taking my hand in hers. I felt a pang of guilt after having heard those words. Naima was so sweet, and she deserved better; a better sister than me, that is. I felt like the worst person in the world, and that is when I knew I could not do this anymore. This emotional rollercoaster ride had ended, and it was time for me to get off. I had to tell her the truth, because the secrets and lies, were eating me up inside. Then, altogether, the dam broke. A sudden rush of tears quickly filled my eyes, and cascaded down my cheeks.

As a result, Naima put her arm around me.

“Aww, honey, what's wrong? Please, talk to me.” She begged. I could hear the shakiness in her voice, and I felt even worse. She wanted to cry, because I was crying. I could not take the penitence anymore. Then, I wiped my face with my hands, and pushed away from her, reaching for a tissue. Feeling overwhelmed, my heart started aching.

“I'm sorry Nai, but I can't do this anymore.” I finally said. Then, I paused, to blow my nose.

“Do what? What are you talking about Nena?” She asked.

“Oh God, I don't know where to begin.” I said crying.

“It's okay. You can talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.” She said, with tears in her own eyes. Then, I got off the bed, and moved away from her. Naima stared at me, obviously worried and full of questions, but she waited patiently in silence. I anxiously tucked my hair back behind my ears, trying to figure out how to tell her what I did.

“A few months ago,” I began, “right before Tony came back from deployment, I had an affair.” Her mouth dropped open, and I quickly looked away.

“Oh my God,” she said in disbelief.

“And now I'm pregnant,” I continued sniffling.

“Oh my God!” She repeated, shifting her gaze to my belly. “Please don't tell me that…” she paused, waiting for me to correct her on what she was undoubtedly assuming. I just nodded my head, and more tears started coming down. “Oh my God,” Naima repeated again, looking down at my belly once more. “So are you trying to tell me that, that baby you're carrying might not be Tony's?” She asked, still stunned. I slowly nodded again.

“Oh my God! Then who’s!” She quickly stood, still in shock, and I did not respond. “My God, Nena! How could you let this happen! Does Tony know? Who else’s baby can it be?” She asked displeased. Then she stopped, waiting for an answer, but her last question remained in the air, unanswered. I was too ashamed to look at her. Suddenly, I felt cold, and began to tremble. I wanted to be anywhere else, but here. Next, my teeth started chattering.

“Do I at least know who this other guy is?” She asked me. I could tell she was disappointed in me. Of course she was. I was disappointed in myself. Naima stood there for a moment, waiting for me to speak. My heart started racing, and I could not bring myself to tell her. Then, she studied my face, my expression, and the fact that I had not looked at her once, since I told her. She is going to figure it out, I thought. And she did. “Oh my God,” she finally spoke, and I knew that she knew. “It's Chris, isn't it?” She asked rhetorically. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. “Goddammit, Nena! Answer me! Is Chris the father of your baby?” She shouted. Those words pierced through the depths of my soul, and I found it hard to speak through my sobs. I could see the pain in my sister’s eyes. I saw her pain, as well as her rage, and my chest ached even more.

“I'm so sorry Nai,” I began apologizing.

“Oh my God,” she said again in disbelief, looking down at the floor. Naima blinked several times, and then looked back up at me. “He is, isn't he?” She asked, shaking her head in disgust. Her eyes glistened with tears, and when I said nothing, I knew she knew. “How could you?” She said, in a minacious tone, while shaking her head at me. I took a step forward, and tried to reach out to her. “Don't fucking touch me!” She snapped, and I jumped. The harsh tone in her voice made me want to crawl into a hole, and die.

“Nai, please, I didn't mean to…” I tried to explain.

“Didn't mean to what? Fuck my boyfriend, or get pregnant with his baby! Which is it Nena!” She screamed, the vein on the side of her head pulsating.

“No! It was not like that. I was upset over Tony and it just…” I tried to explain again.

“Oh save it!” She yelled. She was beyond angry, and who could blame her? I did this. I hurt her. “Of all the people in the world that could have done something like this to me, Nena, never would I think that it'd be you! Never!” She screamed, tears flowing.

“Nai, please,” I begged.

“Please what! Forgive you? You are lucky that I am on this side of the room right now! I swear, if it wasn’t for that baby inside you, I’d… Oooo!” She grumbled, balling her hands into fists. “I can't believe you! I cannot believe that you could do this to me! Your sister!” She screamed.

“I know Nai, and I’m…” I tried to say again.

“You’re what!” She shouted, wiping her tears. “Sorry? Fuck you! You’re not sorry!” She screamed at me. I was too ashamed to look at her. Unable to stop my tears, I exhaled and cried even more. I hated this. I hated what I just did to my own sister, my best friend.

“I didn't mean to hurt you. I am so, so sorry Nai. Please,” I begged again, taking another step towards her.

“If you know what's good for you, you'd stay over there! Ugh!” She screamed, snatching the small glass angel; she gave me for Christmas one year, off my nightstand. Then, like the starting pitcher for the New York Yankees, she raised her arm, and smashed it against the wall behind me. I flinched at the sound of shattering glass, and my chest heaved up and down. I have never seen my sister so angry, and it frightened me. “All this time,” she said, shuddering violently. “You were more than just a sister to me, Nena. You were my best friend. There was nothing that I wouldn’t do for you. Nothing!” She screamed, wiping her tears again. “But now,” she continued, still shaking her head at me. “God help me, but I hope you burn in hell bitch! Fuck you and your baby! And fuck that son of a bitch! I hope he was worth it, because you’re dead to me now.” With those last words, Naima stormed out of my room. I heard her snatch her keys from the table, and she was out the front door, before I could even blink. It was not long, before I heard her start up her car, and sped away. Then, I wrapped my arms around my belly, and cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. Naima was my only family, and I destroyed that. I dragged myself back to my bed, and climbed in. Heaving, I balled up under the sheets, and cried even harder. In the last few months, I felt as though my life turned upside down. I had no idea how I was going to fix it, or that it was even possible to fix. My chest ached, because I hurt the one person in the world that I could always count on, to be there for me. I felt so alone, and regretted what I did, terribly. All I could do now was lay here and cry, and eventually I would cry myself to sleep.

Sometime later, I opened my eyes at the sound of someone putting a key in the front door, and unlocking it. I listened, wondering if it was Naima coming back to… I don’t know, just coming back. I needed her to. All I wanted was to have my sister back.

“Nena?” It was Tony. I did not feel like speaking, let alone getting up, so I continued to lie there.

“Nena?” He called out again, and sounded worried this time. Then, I heard him mumble the words, ‘what the hell.’

“I'm in here.” I replied, forcing myself to sit up. In a second, Tony came into our master suite looking relieved.

“Baby, you okay? What happened here?” He asked, noticing the dent in the wall, and the tiny pieces of broken glass on the carpet. He scanned the room, and there were a few pillows and clothes, on the floor. Good housekeeping was the least of my worries right now, so I just let everything remain as is. I was sure that the living room had the same décor, since I did not give a damn, about what it looked like out there either. I was sad, and depressed, over losing my only sister. At that point, I rose from the bed and headed for the bathroom, when Tony reached out to me. Resultantly, I took a step back, and tried to move past him, out of his reach. It did not work. He took hold of my hand, and stopped me.

“Babe, is everything all right? What’s wrong?” He asked, searching my face. Why put this off any longer? Naima knew the truth, so it was only a matter of time, before Tony found out.

“I'm sorry baby, but there's something I need to tell you.” I said gravely. I looked in his eyes, and the abundance of love that I saw in them, crushed me. He not only loved me, but he cherished me as well, and I was about to destroy all of that.

“Okay, what's up?” He said. Tears formed again in my already puffy red eyes, as I prepared to tell him the truth too. Lord knows that I did not want to hurt him, not this way. He was a good man, a good husband, and I did not deserve him. With that realization, I turned my back to him sobbing. “Baby,” he began, and gently turned me to him. “What's wrong? Talk to me.” He asked, looking me in the eye. The tenderness in his voice, made me feel like the worst human being ever.

“I love you so much,” I said, turning away from him again. Then, I went to the window, and took a deep breath.

“What? Is it the baby? Is everything all right?” He asked, suddenly alarmed.

“Yes. No. I mean the baby's fine.” I said to him. I tried to gather my thoughts, and keep my composure, but it was extremely difficult. The misery that I felt was crippling, but there was no easy way to say it.

“I know you love me, and I'm so sorry for what I'm about to tell you,” I began, and took another deep breath. “While you were on deployment, I cheated on you,” then I paused, to control my sobs. “And I'm not sure if this baby's yours.” I finished. Tony's mouth dropped open. I could see the shock and disbelief on his face, and then anger. My heart started aching again.

“What!” He shouted.

“Please forgive me babe, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.” I rushed to explain. Tony took a step back, his mind still reeling, from what I had just confessed. His stoic demeanor made me hate myself even more. Still, he said nothing. Instead, he made his way to the wall, at the far end of the bedroom, and drove his fist through it. The blunt noise startled me. “Baby, please. Say something, anything.” I pleaded. Then he turned, and glared at me, completely oblivious to the blood that trailed down his fingers. His chest heaved up and down, as he slowly shook his head at me. The fiery look he gave me was petrifying.

“Why?” He finally said.

“I don't know,” I said, looking at the dripping blood that now stained the cream-colored carpet. “It was bad judgment on my part. I was hurting.” I said. I could not think of anything else to say that would explain why I did what I did. I knew that making excuses would not make the situation any better. Despite the anger he clearly displayed, I could also see his pain. Then, his eyes filled with tears, but I could see he fought the urge to release them. His fury was infallible, and I felt awful.

“How could you, Nena? After everything I've done,” he began. Instantly, I got defensive, and now glared at him.

“How could I?” I protested, suddenly getting angry at his self-righteousness. “The same way you could, three years ago!” I shouted through tears.

“Oh, so this is pay back!” He yelled.

“No!” I screamed crying.

“Then why!” He yelled again. The louder he got, the more my tears flowed, and the stinging in my chest grew.

“I don’t know! I’m sorry!” I screamed.

“Yes, you are.” He said coldly. I shook my head at myself, and looked at him.

“Baby, please. I love you. I know I can’t change what I’ve done, but I need you to understand…” I began, trying to explain once more.

“Understand what!” He shouted. “What is there to understand? You cheated on me! End of fucking story!” He yelled. He was getting angrier by the minute, and I became fearful of what he might do to me.

“Yes, but you don’t understand. There's still a good chance that this baby's yours.” I tried to reassure him.

“Yeah, but then again, it might not be.” He replied disgustedly. At that point, I quickly looked away, because I knew what he would say next. I knew him too well. Then, he narrowed his eyes at me.

“So tell me Nena. Who else could be the father?” Once again, I avoided his gaze. If there were any hope of salvaging our marriage, I knew that it was about to vanish. “Hello! Are you suddenly deaf? I said, who- the- fuck- else- could- it- be?” He purposely enunciated every word, and his harsh tone scared me. I did not want to tell him, but I had to come clean. I had no other choice.