Scattering Like Light (14 page)

“Hello, Veronica.” My smile was more guarded and she immediately pulled back from what might have been an attempt to hug me. Until I knew what she wanted I was determined to be cautious.

“Please, Alex, do sit down,” she said. “I’ll get us some drinks. Coffee or tea?”

“Coffee, please.” I sat at the small table while she went to the counter. She wasn’t wearing her cassock or even a dog collar, just ordinary old-lady clothes. She looked particularly unthreatening, and a bright-yellow light flickered above her head. She returned with the drinks and a couple of large chocolate-chip cookies.

“So, Alex, here we are at last. It’s good to have the opportunity to talk.”

I nodded briefly, wanting to hear her story first.

“So you know who I am then?”

I stirred my drink for a few moments, wondering how to put it. “I don’t know for sure, I’m just trying to join the dots, but I know that a Dirge called Veronica was able to escape years ago, and I’m guessing that was you.” I looked at her. “Am I right?”

“Yes, that was me. It’s a long time ago now.”

I nodded and sat back, considering her for a moment. She had a weathered face, one that looked like it had seen a lot of life, the wrinkles forming well-worn creases on her forehead and around her mouth.

“You managed to come over safely then?”

She nodded, rubbing her wrist absently. There was an old scar still puckering the skin there. “Safely for me, anyway,” she said, looking at the floor.

“You killed someone.” I kept my voice as low as possible so as not to attract attention. “You knew what you were doing.”

“I know, and I live with that every single day.” She looked back up again. “You’ve got no idea, no idea at all about how bad our lives are as Dirges. We would all have done anything to escape, anything, and all I expected was oblivion. Now I live with the perpetual guilt.”

“It’s a shame that Catherine didn’t have quite the same take on things,” I muttered.

“You know Catherine?” she asked sharply.

“Of course! She nearly killed me trying to escape.”

Veronica looked at me in surprise. “It was your memories that brought her over? So how are … I mean, you’re alive. How did that happen?”

“It’s a long story. Before we talk about me, I’d like to know what’s going on. What have you been following me for, and why didn’t you sign the note you sent?”

She took a sip of her tea before answering. “I didn’t know what you knew and how you would react. I thought it best not to do anything that might alarm or panic you, and thought my name might do that. I thought you’d just call the number out of curiosity and I’d get the chance to explain before you told anyone.” She looked up from her cup. “I assume you’ve not said anything to your parents?”

“Huh, too right! They would have had the amulet off me instantly.” I considered her warily. “So tell me what you know about Catherine then, as we have her in common at least.”

“I’ve been waiting a long time for Catherine, or someone like her. Every day I scour the papers, looking for reports of people plucked from the river, people with no memories. I also have access to some of the reports from the river police, given my position, and I routinely visit all the nearly-drowned when they are in
hospital, just in case. But I never had any luck. I’d almost given up hope when I visited a woman who had been rescued from near Blackfriars Bridge and was recuperating in Guy’s Hospital. She had no visitors and the staff were concerned because she had such violent mood swings. It was clear as soon as I saw her scarred wrist and started to talk to her that she had been one of us, that she was a Dirge.”

I realised that I was fidgeting with the spoon on my saucer and, not wanting my nerves to show, carefully put it back down before sitting on my hands. “What did she say?”

“The talk didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. She’s a troubled soul, and was obviously struggling with the memories she had inherited.”

“Good; she didn’t deserve them anyway,” I huffed, unable to keep the dislike out of my tone. “So come on, what happened next?”

“She got pretty upset, and the staff suggested that I leave it until the next day. But when I went back she had discharged herself and gone. I’ve had no sign of her since then.”

“She came to find me instead, to start making my life unbearable. Was that because of something you said? Did you tell her something that made her give me all that grief?” I could feel my voice rising so made a determined effort to keep it down. I leaned over the table towards her. “What was it you said to her that didn’t go well?”

“It’s a long story, and I think I’m going to have to tell you a bit about my history for it to make sense to you. Is that OK?”

I looked into her eyes and saw only compassion there. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, well, you know.” I stumbled over the words, knowing that it was time to start sharing. “It’s just that Catherine
made my life a complete misery for a while, and I’ve no idea why.”

“Thank you, I’ll explain it as well as I can.” Reverend Waters took a deep breath. “When I was a Dirge, when I was … like them, I wasn’t very nice. I can remember all of that so clearly, but like all the others, nothing from before.”

“Nothing at all?” I couldn’t help interrupting. “When you came over didn’t you get back the memory of how you ended up as a Dirge? That’s what Catherine said she’d got.”

Veronica gave me a rueful smile, her weathered face folding into soft lines. “You know, perhaps I would have done if I had been sober enough to remember anything. But it seems that I fell into the Fleet in some sort of alcoholic haze. There’s nothing to remember.”

I stared at her, stunned. “What? What do you mean?”

“I was a mess, that’s what I mean. I was obviously a needy, addictive type before, and that didn’t change when I found myself stuck with the others in St Paul’s. I had been young and beautiful and I became very, very angry. I spent my life stalking the bars and clubs of London, feasting on the memories of those who were busy drinking there. I found I enjoyed the drunken memories rather more than the sober ones.”

Looking at the well-groomed elderly woman next to me I found it hard to picture her stalking drinkers and preying on their alcohol-sodden thoughts. I struggled to find something to say as she paused, waiting for my reaction. “I know, I don’t look the type, do I?”

“How long is it since you came back over?” I said at last.

“It’s been many, many years. When I was a Dirge I was in my twenties, I guess, but a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then. So now, I don’t actually know how old I am, but I’ve
been here for over forty years.” She paused, looking out across the room but not seeing the other people in there. “Over forty years of waiting to try to do what’s right.” The last was just a whisper and I struggled to hear her. “And now you’ve arrived, and we can fix it all!” Her sudden change of tone startled me.

“I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understand.”

“Not to worry, Alex, not to worry. I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s just so exciting to be back close to the amulet again after all this time.” She looked at my wrist. “May I?” she asked, lifting my hand.

“Umm, sure. I’d just rather not take it off, if that’s OK with you.”

“Quite understand, quite understand,” she muttered as she started examining it closely. I was struck by the familiarity of her actions, moving the amulet back and forth as if to catch the light, and was horrified when I remembered why. I had looked at the amulet like that when I had been trying to get it off Rob outside the office in Soho. As subtly as I could I drew my arm back in, forcing her to let go.

“So, umm, you were partway through telling me about your life as a Dirge?” I prompted, keen to move her back to her original subject.

“Yes, true. I was.” Veronica sighed and sat back, taking a long sip of her cooling tea. “It’s not a happy tale, but then, I guess, none of them are. I don’t remember anything about drowning, I think I must have been unconscious when I took that last fatal breath of Fleet water, so I don’t know anything about exactly where I was, unlike the others. And as I wasn’t aware of drowning, I didn’t have the same level of despair that most of them do. What I had was a huge, vast amount of rage. I couldn’t believe that I had ended up
in that situation, that I, Veronica, was stuck in that hideous place. I mean, it wasn’t possible; someone was going to have to save me.”

She described herself in a self-assured tone, and I wondered again who she had been before. She sounded like she felt that she was someone special back then, important even. Perhaps she had been a celebrity in her day. Everyone was equal as a Dirge though, even though some
were
different. She was different because she had anger, not despair, and Callum was different, too. He had hope: when he had died, when he had taken that last breath, he really, really expected to be saved. I wondered if the amulet automatically chose to connect to those who felt less creeping horror and depression than the others did.

“So what is the first thing you do remember?”

“Oh, that’s easy. Finding myself on the riverbank, soaking wet, with the mother of all hangovers.” She looked at me briefly. “You know, that bit never went away. My personal purgatory was to spend eternity with the worst hangover in the world. Anyway, I found myself lying on the little beach at the side of the river, near to where the new Waterloo Bridge now stands.”

“
Now
stands? That bridge has been there forever! When on earth did you die?”

“You must know that none of us know that. All I can tell you is what has changed in that time. When I arrived on that beach, London was very different to the city you see today. I think it must have been around the early nineteen hundreds. There was a different bridge across the river there then, with lots of arches, and on the southern bank were some small beaches at low tide. Just rough bits of scrubland really, full of rubble and discarded rubbish. It smelled terrible. I tried summoning help as soon as I could stand up, but the only people nearby, poor people picking
through the rubbish that had been washed up, just ignored me completely. I remember getting pretty cross with them.” Veronica paused and gave me a weak smile. I half-heartedly smiled back, trying to encourage her.

“Callum told me that Catherine had done much the same thing, ranting and shouting at the people when she realised that they couldn’t see, hear or feel her.”

“I probably would have had a lot in common with Catherine. It’s a shame I never got to know her properly.”

“Actually, she’s really not very likeable, so you’ve not missed much,” I muttered. “So when did you realise that you were … different?”

“I dragged myself up to the street, and noticed that I was wearing a full-length cloak. For some reason that surprised me, but I didn’t know why. It was at that point that I realised that I had no other memories at all. It was most peculiar. I knew the names
of
things, like the Thames and Somerset House – and St Paul’s, of course, but I realised that I had no idea of who I was, or where I lived or who were my family. You have no idea of how frightening that can be.”

I made a non-committal grunting noise, not trusting myself to speak. That was exactly how Catherine left me when she took my memories to come over. And it was exactly how Veronica would have left the poor person she attacked too, I thought, but I kept silent. I didn’t want to bring up something that might upset her, not when there was so much to find out.

“I decided to keep the cloak because, well, I had nothing else. So I started to walk towards the bridge, hoping that I might see someone who I knew, or might know me, and then I stumbled across a crowd of people. There was some sort of disturbance
going on and the police were there. I worked my way around the edge of the crowd to get closer to the policemen, trying hard not to draw too much attention to myself. I didn’t know who I was, but I was pretty sure that I didn’t belong there, among the thieves and villains living around Waterloo. No one took any notice of me at all, which I was initially grateful for. I thought that maybe the cloak made me blend in. Little did I know!” Her laugh was harsh. “Of course,” she continued, “once I found a policeman it was only a matter of minutes before I realised I was in a completely different type of trouble.

“I had approached one of the police officers, one who seemed to be issuing orders. I stood by him for a minute but he didn’t acknowledge me, so I tapped him on the arm. Or rather, I
tried
to tap him on the arm. My hand went straight through him. I couldn’t stop myself from screaming, and then realised that the noise had no effect on him either. I had no idea of what I had become…” Her voice faded out and I could see the tears working their way down her creased cheeks.

I reached out to take her hand, giving it a quick squeeze. “You don’t have to tell me, you know; I do understand.”

“No, it’s OK, I know; I’ll be fine. It’s just never being able to speak about any of this before makes it harder to do so now. But it will do me good, and there’s no point in being self-pitying.” She took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her face before carrying on. “I tried all day to get someone to register that I was there, to move things, to shout into people’s ears, but nothing; no response from anyone. I continued for hours and hours, working my way across London, chasing people. At some point I crossed the river, but I’m not sure when I did that. I was in the West End when all the theatres started to empty out, and I was worn out
trying to capture anyone’s attention. It was dark, and I was sitting at the side of the road, hungover, angry and very sorry for myself when I noticed the lights.”

“What lights?”

“The little dancing lights above the theatre crowd’s heads. Almost all of them had these faint little bouncing glows, like fireflies or something.”

I nodded in agreement. “That’s what I thought they were too, when I first saw them.”

“You can see auras? How have you managed that?”

“It’s part of the long story. Essentially, Callum copied all my memories into his amulet as Catherine was stealing them, then later, when the amulet was put back on my wrist, he was able to download them all back into me. Ever since then I’ve been able to see the happy auras.”