Authors: Latika Sharma
With this realization I switched off my night lamp and finally had a peaceful sleep in many years.
I
t was the beginning of November in Delhi. The winters were approaching, and this was the best time in the city. There were festivals around the corner, shopping malls filled with couples, parties and outdoor events and a lot of fanfare. It was also the time Manya was most busy. She had numerous fashion shows especially at this time of the year. It never bothered me that sometimes weeks passed before we saw each other again as she would fly around to different events. She had a huge social circle and a much busier life than mine. It was at such a society event that we had met.
I think I was in final year college, back in States when my parents visited. My dad was expanding his interiors business and had seen some clients in New York. So, mom stopped over to check up on me. I was in pretty bad shape as I could not get Riya out of my life. It was her counselling that pulled me through, showed me a ray of hope. She said that true love knew no boundaries. She said that no matter what I believed, she had known all along that Riya was also truly in love with me. She said she believed I would meet her again. She said she will wait till the day I did and that I should be prepared to reclaim her.
She had said if I was her son, I would pass this biggest test of my life as not only she but someone somewhere was also counting on it.
Thanks to that, I regained my focus, slowly. I made new friends made new goals, and that was when I decided to move ahead rather than to stall. And yes, when success finally starts coming your way in form of a good job and praise from your mates, life again picks pace.
I recall, though I was succeeding in my work and getting great feedbacks, my heart was lonely and all I wanted to do, unlike all other Indians, was to ditch USA and return back to where my roots were, where my heart was.
I came back. That was a relief, took an apartment in the heart of Delhi and started work. I would often go back to my school, stand outside the gates and look inside. There on the pavements, I saw us again. Giggling and holding hands . . . I saw the dust rise from the basketball court and a net hanging freely, half torn as some big shot must have slammed his fist in it. It knew me, beckoned from afar, recognising me as its star from yester years. I saw the dark stairs, where I use to pull her in shadows and burry my face in her hair. I saw the class room windows from which I flew paper planes . . . I saw everything. I just never went in. The memories were to over powering.
Then, I had met Manya. It was a New Year evening and my boss had thrown a huge party. That was where I had bumped into her. She was dressed very seductively but shivering in it. January chills Delhi and Manya was highly under dressed. I recall lending her my jacket, later realizing my car keys were in it. So I ended up searching for her, and we got talking and before long I had her phone number and we became good friends. I was aware that her interest in me was changing fast, as we sat dinning on our fifth date . . . or was it fourth? Before long we were officially a couple. It was not that we had a physical relationship; I think I must have shrugged one too many times from kissing her, but we were together.
Manya was fun to be with and never too bossy or demanding. I had not confided my entire life in her, but she knew something of my past haunted me. She never enquired too much though, which was good as I was not too keen to divulge either. It also kept our relationship simple. We were just a couple . . . nothing more. I was not in love with her. That was why I never asked her to move in with me. She did so, only after an year of dating.
But now, with Riya once again sending my pulse racing things had changed. I felt jitters every time Manya mentioned her or Vikram. We were fast becoming friends and Vikram often met us and invited us to dine with him. Riya had yet to meet Manya in details, but the thought did pique my curiosity. Would Manya know? Will she make out? What will Riya say? What if Vikram found out?
So when Manya announced her trip was postponed, and she would be home instead of in Bali, I was a bit disturbed. Vikram had invited me over to his house for a traditional dinner as a part of Diwali celebrations. I knew Riya would be there and so would be her parents. The last thing I wanted was for Manya to meet all of them together and figure out everything, for that was likely to happen ... if Riya’s dad recognised me, the boy he had slapped all those years ago.
I thought the ‘old man’ would have changed in these years. But I was wrong. I saw him the moment I entered with Manya. Luckily, Vikram greeted us, and as we shared a friendly pat on the back, I swung around to avoid looking straight at the old man. Vikram greeted Manya and we stepped in the beautifully decorated marquee, decorated with lamps and lights in the most traditional yet sensual way. The lighting was dim, thankfully, as it would come handy in averting ‘old man’s’ piercing gaze. He had not changed much; except for a few grey strands he was still fit for his age and very agile. It was the first time I was seeing him after that slap so many years ago. It was the first time I saw him laugh and smile. Riya was standing next to him, talking with Vikram’s mother, her mother-in-law. I knew she was unaware that I was present too, and so I basked in the long gaze of her from a distance. That was when I saw Manya heading straight for Riya along with Vikram. I was late in stopping Manya and heard Vikram introduce her to Riya and the others.
“Riya, look who has joined us today! Amazing... And, Ms. Manya this time , I will not let you leave the party soon. Riya, I don’t think you’ve met Manya since. . .well, she is Kabir’s fiancee.”
I saw from far the colour drain out of Riya’s face and knew what Vikram must have said even without hearing it. I rushed to his side before things got out of hand and heard Manya speak amid her laugh, “No, No . . . I’m not his fiancee. At least, not yet.”
Riya looked at me, speechless, though her eyes were speaking volumes. She looked hurt and angry and scared all at the same time. It was this innocent look which used to melt my heartand make me hold her in my arms tightly even when she punched at my chest angrily, confirming and claiming her to be mine. I wanted to do so again so badly even now.
“Hello Manya. Nice to meet you again... Kabir speaks so much about you; I feel I know you already. It’s bad, we could not meet before. Why din’t you ever bring your girlfriend before Mr. Kabir? You two make such a sweet couple.” Riya was placid, yet, I knew she would be upset within.
Before I could say anything to pacify her, I saw a bigger problem heading my way. Vikram was heading towards me and along with him, trotting was his future father-in-law, Riya’s dad.
Now I am a grown up man and am scared of no one. I am six feet, well-built and can easily handle a mob. But Riya’s dad was something else. And I knew what would happen the moment he recognised me . . .
I knew it. He recognised me even before Vikram could say, “Sir, meet Kabir, my friend and Riya’s too from school.”
Vikram might as well have said I was a terrorist cause that was the expression on Riya’s father face. His grip tightened on his goblet and I saw pure anger in his eyes. Thankfully he shook my extended hand and I managed a meek greeting. He turned around and left.
I looked at Riya, who stood fixed on the spot. It reminded me of how scared she was that day when she had held my hand and had hid behind me. I wanted to protect her and apologize but it was too late.
There was much to distract us all, after all it was Diwali. I was busy with Manya in a corner, as she had already made a bunch of new friends. That was when my eyes wandered to Riya again. She looked heavenly. It was the third time I was seeing her in a sari. She looked so simple yet so desirable. I longed to hold her and feel her in my arms. She wore no major jewellery, except that simple chain in her neck and big ear rings which touched her neck so gracefully and so delicately. Her hair was open and fluttered in the light November breeze. She was beauty in its purest form and I was madly in love with her. All this was reminding me of what had happened all those years ago, when I had seen her in a sari for the first time. How I longed to feel my heart race like that again. All the love and desire I had for Riya was resurfacing, and fast. I was scared of letting it show openly. Her every move was sending my nerves in turmoil and reminding me of my feelings for her. My neck muscles were paining from the restrain I was enforcing on myself. There was so much I wanted to tell her, so much I wanted to fight out with her, I wanted to scream at her for her pretended calmness, and I wanted to kiss her for I loved her beyond anything. I wanted to pull her away from this crowd in some dark lonely corner and cry my pain out in her arms. I also needed a drink badly to keep me mellowed down.
She knew I was watching her. She turned her gaze towards me and a knot tightened in my stomach. Did I see it right? Had she just signalled me to follow her . . . like she used to in school. Even if I was wrong I could not help following her as she led me out of the marquee and in the parking lot.
I
saw her standing at the far end below the lamp post, her hair fluttering in the wind, her slim back turned towards me. As I approached her, I contained myself from swinging her and crushing her in the tightest hug I had given her so far. My heart beat elevated as I came closer to her and smelled her perfume fluttering in my nostrils and seeping into my bones making me crazy after her.
“You look lovely in this sari . . .” I said as I stood motionless behind her.
“Why did you come here Mr. Kabir?” She did not turn to look at me. “I have a fiancee now, my entire family, present and future, have gathered here. You want to make a scene in front of everyone?” She finally turned to face me and crossed her hands on her chest. I looked at her beautiful face and my heart skipped a beat. She looked so desirable in that scared stance, I wanted to say so much yet all I said was that it was not my idea to cause any trouble. She argued that I was lying, that I should have refused when Vikram invited me.
“I could not Riya, he insisted so much.” I made a helpless appeal.
“Liar. You wanted to come din’t you.” Riya took a step close to me. When I did not reply she sensed my feelings and stepped back.
“Don’t step away from me Riya, please . . .” I said taking a step closer to my love.
“Stop! Stop Mr. Kabir. What are you doing? There is nothing between us any longer. I am engaged to Vikram now and we are getting married soon. Stay where you are.” She said raising her palm at me and motioning for me to stay away.
I stood still; thinking of my next move. I hated it when she called me ‘Mr. Kabir’. I saw panic in her eyes. Instinctively I stepped forward and grabbed her palm in mine.
“Mr. Kabir . . . what are you doing? Let go of my hand!” She wriggled her wrist to free herself.
“You never could free yourself, even before . . . my flightless bird”. I saw the look of recollection and surprise on her face and she stopped trying to free herself. I moved close to her.
“It’s been so long Riya. I missed you so much,” I said almost whispering my words in air. I knew I should not have been saying all that.
“Stop please, someone will see us.” She was looking down, averting my heated gaze.
“There is nothing between us now”.
“But there once was. Have you forgotten? How can you when I have lived my life, living each day of our school lives like it was the last day of my life. You remember everything Riya . . . or else you wouldn’t have known how to beckon me here”. I put her hand on my shoulder and touched hers gently. She shivered under my touch, her body ice cold against mine.
“I have a fiancee now, things are different. How can you say all this knowing the facts?” She was breathing fast and still standing an inch away from me, looking down.
“Nothing matters Riya. You pretend to love Vikram now and even convince yourself of this. I too tried, many times to convince myself that I did not love you any more, that I was better off without you. That I was the Casanova you always said with the looks and the talk and that I will get any woman I ever want again. But . . . oh! You ruined me for life! I have not been able to love any other woman since I fell in love with you! And seeing you here in a sari again . . . you recall what happened the last time?” I looked down at her. Her silky soft hair filled my nostrils with a heavenly fragrance. I slid my free arm around her waist. She mumbled something, but I was too lost to pay attention. The memories of our farewell came rushing back.
“That was then. We were kids. Please leave me Kabir!” She said breathing on my chest now.
“Yeah! We were kids . . . two kids deeply in love. We are grownups now. Two grownups . . . still deeply in love. You deny that Riya?” I looked down as she raised her head and looked into my love stuck eyes. Our faces were barely inches from each other and I held her close. I could see my love swarming in her eyes. Her lips parted to reply then closed again. She shivered a bit and I increased my grip on her.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have beckoned you here . . .” she finally said looking with love at me.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have worn a sari. God! Do you know how much I am controlling myself from kissing you right now . . . you do remember how your knees crumbled when I did,” I lowered my face near to her and she turned her head aside.
“It’s over between us. Face it, or are you still that stubborn basketball captain who wouldn’t agree,” Riya said.
“You remember then. Yes, I am still that stubborn, and No it’s not over between us. It never was.” I drew her closer to myself and she rested her hand on my chest now. Her touch sent me in a whirl. My entire body tensed and I felt as if I would burst with the killing desire of kissing Riya at that very moment.
“Why did you come here tonight Kabir?” She asked again, only softly this time.
“Honestly . . . I wanted to see you again. I wanted to be in the same place as you were. Why else do you think I came . . . why do you make me so weak Riya? Why?” I asked stroking her hair gently with my hand as she rested her head on my chest. Her cheeks were hot.