Science...For Her! (15 page)
We at
Science . . . for Her!
pulled aside a bunch of ladies on the streets to see how they bring chemistry into their day-to-day lives!
Science . . . for Her!
’s
LADIES ON THE STREETS
“Who are you?”
—Tina, 25
“I can’t talk right now, I’m late for work.”
—Michelle, 24
“Why are you touching me and calling me Xander? Get the fuck off or I’m gonna call the cops.”
—Denise, 19
“You smell like rotten daiquiris and you have vomit on your scarf.”
—Elizabeth, 34
“Ma’am, why are you harassing these people? We’re going to have to take you downtown.”
—Officer T. Malcolm, LAPD, 50s-ish
“If I suck your wiener off will you let me go even though I am so wasted on expired daiquiri mix that I stole from the food bank when I was volunteering there???”
—Megan Amram, 26
“Honestly? Yes.”
—Officer T. Malcolm, LAPD, 50s-ish
Cleaning is a type of chemistry! Cleaning chemistry happens all around us and we don’t even think about it. I am so crazy about cleaning stuff. I am so crazy that sometimes it cuts into my daily routine. I was going to see a doctor about it but I couldn’t leave my house because the doorknobs were dirty and possessed by the devil unless I touched them 666 times and whinnied like a pony, so I’m pretty sure it just cleared itself up.
I often find that I buy too much bleach, Windex, and other common chemicals. Instead of letting them just sit around the house gathering dust (and then you have to clean the cleaning supplies and that’s ironic!), I’ve created some fun cocktails you can make that help use up those pesky chemicals.
HOUSEHOLD-CHEMICAL COCKTAILS
Boring old cocktails are so both early 2004 and late 2009! Spice up your daily routine by using commonly found chemicals in your house to add a little pizzazz to your libations!
WARNING: IF YOU DRINK THESE, YOU WILL DIE. (see LIFE CYCLE section)
“SEX ON THE BLEACH!”
Ingredients:
vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, cranberry juice, bleach.
Calories:
unknown.
WARNING: IF YOU DRINK THIS, YOU WILL DIE.
“ANTIFREZZY NAVEL”
Ingredients:
peach schnapps, orange juice, antifreeze.
Calories:
unknown.
WARNING: IF YOU DRINK THIS, YOU WILL DIE.
“GIN AND DRANO”
Ingredients:
vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, cranberry juice, bleach.
Calories:
unknown.
WARNING: IF YOU DRINK THIS, YOU WILL DIE.
Acids and bases are why some foods taste sour (acids, like lemons) and bitter (bases, like semen—even the sweetest-tasting male ejaculate tastes like undercooked escarole to me! But I have still swallowed twelve times and counting!). Calling something an acid or a base refers to its pH, which measures the hydrogen concentration in its solution. Pure water has a pH very close to 7 at room temperature. I had a boyfriend who was a 7 at room temperature!
FIG. 2.4
In the cold he was only a 3. :(
If you walk around your kitchen (and you should be, at all times, in heels and nothing else!), you will see many household acids and bases that are VERY important to cooking/cleaning/being a woman.
