Science...For Her! (19 page)
Carb-on feel the noise! Girls rock your boys! We’ll get wild, wild, wild! Wild, wild, wild! (I was just informed by my lawyer that those happen to be the lyrics of a song performed by Quiet Riot. Anyway, whoever “wrote” it, any coincidental similarity to my own prose is purely unintentional in perpetuity.)
Carbon forms the key component for all known naturally occurring life on earth. Carbon is abundant on earth. It is also lightweight and the atom is relatively small in size, making it easier for enzymes to manipulate carbon molecules. Lightweight and small? SOUNDS LIKE MY ASS! I
WISH
!
FIG. 2.10
FIG. 2.10
After death, we all decompose back into our carbon components.
FIG. 2.11
Science has always relied on innovative men (and women! Can I get a “
What Women Want
starring Mel Gibson!!”), but even our most popular heroes age and die. That’s just how the carbon cycle works. Organisms are built-in death machines. All organisms experience biological aging, or
senescence
, if they survive all the other downfalls of day-to-day life (like accidents, illness, and killing yourself because you showed up to a party in the same romper as Alexis).
FIG. 2.11
are
JUST LIKE US!
MARILYN MONROE . . . DIES!
Just like us “normies,” celebs like Marilyn Monroe eventually die and decompose into carbon and other life-supporting elements!
MICHAEL JACKSON . . . DIES!
So good to see that a huge star like Jacko isn’t above dying and being interred in the earth! More like he’s “below” it—six feet below it!
WHITNEY HOUSTON . . . DIES!
This “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” singer should have been singing “I Wanna Die in Some Tubby!” Because she died in a bathtub!
If you’re looking for a fun way to practice your chemistry, you’ve come on the right face! Use that one with boys! :)
The only way to really grasp chemistry is to get hands-on. You’re not going to learn it just by reading about it or drinking a bottle of wine and kissing your gymnastics coach in the locker room. The
scientific method
is a process by which scientists try to test hypotheses. I’ve adapted some classic experiments to better fit a woman’s lifestyle.
for Her!
If you need to make chemistry more fun than I’ve already made it (just add Cosmos! ;) No but really), here are some hands-on ways to test chemical reactions. I’ve taken classic grade-school science experiments and offered slightly updated versions for the modern woman.
MENTOS-AND-DIET-SODA FOUNTAIN
| CLASSIC VERSION Put some Mentos in a bottle of diet soda and watch it explode! The numerous small pores on the candy’s surface catalyze the release of carbon dioxide (CO | FOR HER! Only eat Mentos and diet soda for two months and see how amazing you look and feel! Mentos have only ten calories per piece, and diet soda has no calories, so . . . on second thought, only drink the soda. Mentos are heavy, anyway! |
BAKING-SODA-AND-VINEGAR VOLCANO
| CLASSIC VERSION This experiment looks crazy but is safe as can be! Find a container that looks like a volcano (or make one out of papier-mâché) and fill it with a tiny bit of baking soda. Pour vinegar in after and watch it explode! The baking soda (sodium bicarbonate) is a base while the vinegar (acetic acid) is an acid. When they react they break apart into water and carbon dioxide, which creates all the fizzing as it escapes the solution. | FOR HER! Take the baking soda and vinegar and also 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder, 2 ounces red food coloring, 1 cup buttermilk, 1 cup rum, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, |
DISSOLVING A BONE
| CLASSIC VERSION dissolv ea goddam bone i don’t fucking care i drank all the rum that i bought for the red velvet cake. You know what??? you don’t even put rum in red velvet cake, i put that in the recipe so i could sip while i was writingthis but instead i drank the whol ething cuz im fuckin over it BORNING BORGNIN SCIENCE an im over u zander | FOR HER! i threw up on my bone fuc kme |
Speaking of EXPERIMENTING, I’d like to take this opportunity to talk
lesbos
. The term
experimenting
has classically meant
the period in college that a girl thinks she might be a lesbian so she starts dating a woman but doesn’t want to go down on her so they break up I always loved you I miss you so much Marissa
.
FIG. 2.12
Scientists stole the word
experimenting
from lesbians, just like they stole long coats and thick gloves.
Some people say that being gay is something you’re born knowing. Not true, chickadees! Being a lesbian is a choice. Just imagine that being a lesbian is like a Choose Your Own Adventure where the end is always scissoring! :)
FIG. 2.12
Why Did You Decide to Become a Lesbian?
If you’re a lesbian, it might be a bit confusing to you as to why you chose to be the way you are! Let this fun, flirty quiz help you discover why you chose to be the lesbian you are!
1. As a child, were you molested?
A.
Yes! Bad Daddy!!!
B.
Yes! By between one and seventeen big scary men on the street or at parties!!!
C.
Yes! Figuratively, by the church!!!
2. Who do you hate the most?
A.
My parents. They both molested me!!!
B.
All men. They’re boorish and hairy! P.U.!!!!
C.
God. What a sillybilly!!!!
3. You’re at school and you see the girl you have a crush on. You like her because:
A.
She looks like my dad a little bit but isn’t as dangerous and she never molested me as a child I love you Daddy I hate you Daddy!!!
B.
She’s a girl and therefore can’t hurt me the way a man could she is weak and soft!!!
C.
She’s an abomination of God, just like me!!!!
Mostly A’s You lucky lesbo Lizzy: you were molested by your parents!!! ;) Of course you’re going to choose to be a lesbian if your home life was wack-a-doo growing up! Being a lesbo is your way of saying, “I’m a lesbian now— F you, Daddy!”
| Mostly B’s You hate men!!! Big surprise: men are big ol’ stinky Petes!! Men are dangerous, smelly cavemen. Maybe you just want a little sensitive lady-time! You don’t like the way men treat you and some men only want to have sex instead of just trying to get to know the person! You chose this path because men have treated you poorly and being a lesbo was a way easier option.
| Mostly C’s On Sundays you’re more likely to be found playing softball than attending church because: you hate God!! Being a lesbian is a great way to say, “F you, G-d!” Sure, he may or may not have created your whole family, but you still aren’t too excited about doing everything He says. F you, Sky Daddy!
|
