Science...For Her! (35 page)
I hope you had as much fun as I did with this chapter. Now that we’re four chapters into this book, I understand if you’re getting a little tired. All that I can say is, learning science is a marathon, not a sprint. Make sure not to shirk your other feminine duties just so you can read this book. Take care of your family. Pleasure your husband. There are some things more important than science, if you can believe it!
I literally had a blast writing this chapter for you, bebs. It’s incredible how quickly you can write things when you don’t sleep. Also, it’s incredible how many times you piss yourself if you don’t pause to go to the bathroom when you’re awake for a million hours. This alleyway that I’ve been living in for a few weeks is
filled
with human urine!
QUESTION 1:
Which
Sex and the City
girl is an orchid most like? (HINT: ORCHIDS ARE SLUTS & BRATZ!)
QUESTION 2:
Can I stop whenever I want?
QUESTION 3:
Of these things, what does my friend Lauren most resemble: flatironed hair, piece of flat paper, or double-mastectomy postop woman?
QUESTION 4:
Do I hate trees? NOTE: I’ve included a full blank page for you to write your answer.
QUESTION 5:
Can I feel even closer to you than I do right now? I feel so close to you right now it’s insane. LOVE YOU SO MUCH I WANNA KILL MYSELF!
Chapter 5Introduction
Oh my God you girls have EARNED THIS!
As a much-needed break from this SLOG through science, I’ve compiled the ULTIMATE FEMALE FANTASY: a chapter made up of lines from all of your favorite lady-books! This has
everything
!
I was a well-educated young lady from Boston with a thirst for bohemian counterculture and no clear plan.
1
He was an animal.
2
Last night [he] appeared wearing suspenders and a darling little Angora crop-top, told me he was gay/a sex addict/a narcotic addict/a commitment phobic and beat me up with a dildo . . .
3
These facts alone make him an unlikely romantic partner for me, given that I am a professional American woman in my mid-thirties, who has just come through a failed marriage and a devastating, interminable divorce, followed immediately by a passionate love affair that ended in sickening heartbreak.
4
Everyone knows that dating in your thirties is not the happy-go-lucky free-for-all it was when you were twenty-two.
5
Newly energized, I gulped the rest of my coffee, brewed another cup for Alex, and took a quick, hot shower.
When I went back into his room, he was just sitting up.
6
He really is very, very good-looking. It’s unnerving.
7
For dinner, we had crabs I’d caught off the dock.
8
I am fat with love! Husky with ardor! Morbidly obese with devotion!
9
This is why, in fact, I have decided to spend this entire year in celibacy.
10
It wasn’t what my doctor ordered, though. My doctor—my gynecologist, to be specific—ordered a baby.
11
Time, unfortunately, doesn’t make it easy to stay on course.
12
The joy of sex[!]
13
I’d never imagined myself a mother, never wanted that.
14
In general, research on this topic finds that although young women often report having a strong commitment to both their future career and their future families, they anticipate that combining the two will be difficult and require trade-offs.
15
I was dating this guy for a year and a half. We’d had a few conversations about marriage.
16
[And now] I am sprawled on his chest in the flowery bower in the boathouse, sated from our passionate lovemaking.
17
The bulbs, along with the whole clitoris (glans, shaft, crura) become firm and filled with blood during sexual arousal, as do the walls of the vagina.
18
The home pregnancy test I just took came back positive.
19
There was a tentative little nudge in my womb.
20
And [I] again bare his brother Abel.
21
1.
Orange Is the New Black
, p. 5
2.
The Bridges of Madison County
, p. 126
3.
Bridget Jones’s Diary
, p. 10
4.
Eat, Pray, Love
, p. 1
5.
Bridget Jones’s Diary
, p. 10
6.
The Devil Wears Prada
, p. 28
7.
Fifty Shades of Grey
, p. 16
8.
The Girls’ Guide to Hunting and Fishing
, p. 9
9.
Gone Girl
, p. 38
10.
Eat, Pray, Love
, p. 1
11.
Julie & Julia
, p. 5
12.
The Notebook
, p. 2
13.
The Joy of Sex
14.
Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn
, p. 132
15.
Lean In
, p. 201
16.
He’s Just Not That into You
, p. 89
17.
Fifty Shades Freed
, p. 3
18.
Our Bodies, Ourselves
, p. 1
19.
What to Expect When You’re Expecting
, p. 19
20.
Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn
, p. 136
21.
Genesis 4:1
Pharmacolgy & MedicinePaper or Plastic . . . Surgery!
Knock knock! Who’s there? Time! What time is it? Time to start another fun chapter!! YAY!
This chapter is coming at the perfect time because, big news: I just got out of a ten-month-long coma, ladies!
FIG. 6.1
This was probably brought on by my extreme meth-related weight loss, but has the added benefit of contributing to even
more
extreme weight loss! Ladies, there’s nothing more tried and true for weight loss with no work than comas!
FIG. 6.1
And as for the pride of dicks (technically more than one dick is called a “pride”): you know the rule—the first girl to fall asleep at the sleepover or to go into a coma gets dicks drawn all over her face. This one’s on me!
Literally!
Fun
fact: these are all dicks I’ve previously slept with. Guess which one is Xander’s! Guess which one is Waldo’s!
FIG. 6.2
