Science...For Her! (39 page)
FIG. 6.7
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Megan Amram, and this letter is to express my interest in the position of “Girlfriend.” The opportunity presented in this listing is very appealing, and I believe that my experience, desperation, and non-FDA-approved scratch-and-sniff tramp stamp will make me a competitive candidate for this position.
The key strengths that I possess for success in this position include, and are pretty much limited to, the following:
• Boobs that have been described by previous boyfriends as “supple,” “not weird,” and “tits.”
• Daddy issues that will work to your advantage.
• Weight is mostly water weight.
• You want to call tampons “lady-plugs”? You go right ahead.
• Never been nominated for an Emmy and lost.
• Killed a bunch of astronauts.
• Nose breather since 1994.
• Basically I would guesstimate 99.96 percent of my body is water.
You will find me to be fun, looking for a relationship, well-spoken, on the market, single, and not not single. My wide breadth of experience/mouth gives you the versatility to place me in a number of contexts. Most romantic dinner of all time? Not only will I pay, I’ll pull out your chair for you at the Hollywood Sizzler of your choice! Making out in the back of a movie theater? I’m all for it, other patrons of
Despicable Me
2
be damned! Family BBQ? I can eat more ribs than any girl I know! Mmm, ribs!! Sometimes, I can’t help but be like, I want my baby back, baby back, baby back—seriously, I want my baby back! Social Services took it away when I tried to sell it for MORE RIBS!
I believe my educational background has fully prepared me for the position of “Girlfriend.” I assure you that my dowry is plentiful and 75 percent livestock-based. I can also assure you that I will not be a leech on your finances. I love to work—after our breakups,
previous ex-boyfriends have been known to describe me as a “working girl.” One lovingly referred to me as a “whore.” I manage to adeptly pair my career with a love of Hollywood nightlife. The bad news is, sometimes I do go a little party crazy. The good news is, chances are I already have your name tattooed somewhere on my body!
Furthermore, I am confident that I could provide value to you as your trophy girlfriend, by which I mean I could confidently win trophies in the following events:
• Rhythmic choking
• Dueling recorders
• Facial impressions of that mauled lady who got that face implant
• Carbohydrate intolerance
• Murderball
Please see my résumé for additional information and ex-boyfriend references, though I would avoid calling the first four (Eric Stone, Sam Linden Jr., Theo Wilson, Sam Linden Sr.), since they’ve been known to lie about my Jewess’s sideburns, my penchant for crying while eating, and the communicability of my totally like obviously non-communicable paunch-rash. Frankly, I find “crying while eating” to be such a misogynistic phrase. I prefer “eating while crying.”
I hope that you’ll find my experience and interests intriguing enough to warrant a face-to-face meeting, or at least a face-to-ass you-checking-out-my-ass. I can be reached anytime in Hollywood via my Hollywood cell phone, (555) 555-5555. You may recognize the area code as that of Hollywood, where life is glamorous and mostly AIDS-free! Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to speaking and/or second-basing with you about this relationship opportunity.
Sincerely,
Megan Amram
(555) 555-5555
Hollywood
Babes, I hate to do this, but let’s get serious. Being a woman in a modern world that is physically and sexually violent is so scary. But it is also my responsibility to take on the tough issues. I’ve tackled religion, I’ve tackled atomic warfare, and now I have to tackle rape.
Rape
is the crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse.
Todd Akin, a longtime anti-abortion activist, served as a Republican member of the House of Representatives for Missouri’s Second Congressional District from 2001 until 2013. On August 19, 2012, Akin asserted the following on television: “First of all, from what I understand from doctors, [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
FIG. 6.8
I wish this were a joke. But legitimate rape is a real phenomenon (and also the sex move of this chapter, PLEASE don’t try it, though, it’s only symbolic). Knowledge is power, ladies. You have to understand this so you don’t unknowingly spread lies!
FIG. 6.8
Check out the top mis“conceptions” about rape below! The “conceptions” is in quotation marks because you can’t conceive during legitimate rape.
Mis“
conceptions
” about
RAPE
| |
|
You can conceive a child during a rape. |
| If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. |
Women who are raped were “asking for it” based on their provocative dress. |
| It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing. Being beautiful is asking for it! If you truly didn’t want to be raped, you would gain forty pounds and/or come out as a lesbian. Being a beautiful/average-looking woman is a known temptation, and that’s on you. |
Everyone knows when a woman says no, she often means yes. Women secretly want to be raped. |
| This is a horrible fallacy. In truth, it’s no |
Some little girls dream of winning an Oscar. Other, uglier little girls dream of winning a Nobel Prize. The
Nobel Prize
is the highest level of achievement that someone can win in the field of medicine. And how cute would a field of medicine be?! Like, the grass would be made out of little
stethoscopes
and the flowers would be
bags of blood
! OMG so cute!
In 1962,
Watson, Crick, and Wilkins
were awarded the Nobel Prize in medicine for discovering the structure of DNA. Though she was an integral part of the discovery of nucleic acids, scientist
Rosalind Franklin
was never recognized, almost undoubtedly due to the fact that she was a
woman
.
However, this alleged “sexism” is not what we care about. What we care about is the behind the scenes! Who was she wearing! What were the
snacks
!
FIG. 6.9
FIG. 6.9
BEHIND THE SCENES
Rosalind Franklin’s Lab
Rosalind can’t discover DNA and have it stolen from her without all her
fave snacks
! Roz nibs ’n’ noshes on peanut M&M’s (on cheat days!) and celery (when she’s being a good little girl!).
Snooze! DNA research can be so
boring
! That’s why the Wizard of Roz brings
Sudoku
to play with while she’s working. Only Mondays, though! Fridays are
way too hard
for this little girl!
Rosalind loves keeping her work in its place (except when it’s stolen!). To organize all of her notes and papers, Rozzo uses the
Post-it Desktop Organizer
in dazzling pink! Every girl needs a little pink in the workplace!
Sometimes Rozzie Rozbourne forgets to think and daydreams about making spinach soufflés in little ramekins. That’s why she brings her
drool catcher
to make sure she’s not drooling all over the place when she’s being a dummy!