Scotland’s Jesus: The Only Officially Non-racist Comedian (7 page)

• • •

More defence cuts have been announced. The Ministry of Defence insists operational capability will not be affected as the armed forces are already highly ineffective. If we’re not careful we’ll soon only have a military big enough to reflect our true status in today’s world. We could slash Trident replacement costs by doing what Saddam did with his tanks and buying dummy stuff. I can’t see any reason why inflatable submarines wouldn’t work. BAE Systems is axing three thousand jobs. Oh dear, if only we hadn’t toppled governments of its major clients. Sell the bomber jets to easyJet – at least it’s a more honest way for our stag nights to enter Prague.

Cameron is insisting on the same number of new submarines to replace Trident, but Clegg wants fewer. I’d go with the Lib Dems. Look at our military requirements for the next fifty years – it just has to be easier hauling two subs across a desert rather than four.

And on top of cuts, stolen military kit worth millions is being sold on eBay. I’ve bought night-vision goggles, part of my plan to gain the psychological advantage on
Mastermind
by choosing ‘The various sleeping positions of John Humphries’ as my specialist subject. Meanwhile, ex-military chiefs have been caught offering ministerial access for money. Arms traders shouldn’t lobby. They should follow the proper channels and just show off their coolest stuff in conflicts, because for defence ministers CNN is basically a shopping channel. Indeed, many US arms dealers’ catalogues are made up almost entirely of photos from Afghan wedding photographers.

A CNN journalist said she’d like to urinate on a dead Afghan. Luckily, she works with Piers Morgan so she can get a mocked-up picture of her doing it. I’m willing to offer my services if she’ll accept a put-on accent and a bucket of spray tan. I’d happily kill three thousand of her friends if it helps? This is not the first time I’ve seen a video of four American lads pissing on someone, although I must say the dead Afghans exhibited a more realistic enjoyment of it than the girls on Xhamster. These Afghan soldiers were told they would meet a group of virgins after they died, and it looks like that was correct. We’re a strange society that pixilates the willies in that footage but not the corpses. Why would soldiers at the end of a tour of duty wee on dead bodies? The probable answer is that they’d simply run out of cum.

I liked it when al-Qaeda posted pictures of an all-female unit of terrorists training on an array of weapons. They’ve been dubbed the ‘Burkha Brigade’. I doubt they’d be that effective in the UK, because if a team of them were spotted crouching down behind a wall the neighbours would be straight on to the council reporting that someone has been putting their black bin bags out on the wrong day.

A lot of our general culture is war propaganda. Did you see
G.I. Joe
? It’s a film based on a children’s toy. I’ve got a few ideas in the same genre that I’d like to pitch. How about
Kerplunk
? Bruce Willis’s children are suspended between two skyscrapers by enormous lengths of steel piping, creating a net that they rest on. Willis has to remove one pipe every hour or his children WILL die. Or what about
Hangman
? We could splice together archive footage of the death of Saddam Hussein with some random clips from
Countdown
.

We’re told that terrorists are talking to each other through online games like
Call of Duty
and
Halo
. Al-Qaeda should be careful; these shoot-’em-up games can desensitize a person to violence. Sad we’ve only found out this link between games and terrorism so late in the day. I can’t help but wonder whether the world would be a happier place if only someone had had the sense, in the 90s, to ban Jenga.

• • •

North Korea announced nuclear missile tests targeting America but they’re purely for scientific reasons – they want to find out what happens if they blow up America. The US government has warned North Korea to stop making threats, or else they’re going to fucking kill them. Some North Korean generals suspect their delivery system is too basic to get a missile to Washington, believing the US will probably recognise the stamps.

The West despises North Korea as a dictatorship. Dictatorship is when someone tells the people what to do. Democracy is when the people get to choose who tells them what to do. Naturally, we all laughed at the scenes of national mourning in North Korea when Kim Jong-il died, until Thatcher went and we did exactly the same. We didn’t even have the excuse that we’re delirious from hunger. Oh no, actually we did. It’s a communist tradition to have endless TV footage of the embalmed corpse of a tyrant at rest. We don’t do that here – we’d rather go for endless TV footage of his begging for mercy before being shot in the face.

Kim Jong-un has a girlfriend. By all accounts, Kim has spent weeks getting to know her, having had her family surgically implanted with bugging devices. I haven’t seen her dating profile but I’m guessing it includes: ‘Hobbies, venerating the great leader, collecting pebbles, trying to stop my imagination morphing people I meet into giant talking items of food.’

If there were a nuclear conflict in the region North Korea would be left a barren wasteland. So they’ve nothing to lose. David Cameron is very concerned that they can reach us with their missiles – to be honest, Dave, I think you should be more worried that there are plenty of people in this country who’ll be able to reach you with a stick. Let’s face it – if North Korea blow up the government before we do then we should all be ashamed of ourselves. I’m not that worried about Korean missiles hitting us here – mainly because I used to have a Korean car and it could barely reach Sainsbury’s.

Our government assures us Britain is ready for nuclear war. Really? We weren’t ready for snow in April. With the way things are going you could well be reading this on a scrap of scorched paper you’re using to bandage your weeping radiation sores as you fend off the other mutants with a spatula. Nuclear war in Scotland wouldn’t change much, as we already spend most of our time indoors with the curtains closed, the windows shut, avoiding all contact with other humans and never eating fresh fruit or vegetables, or drinking water. It seems the only difference is that we’d be pissing into Coke bottles at the request of the government rather than because we can’t be arsed getting up off the couch. Cameron was also scaremongering about Iran having missiles that could target Britain. Actually, they barely have anything that could reach Israel. If they do target us we have two choices – either diplomatic talks or sending scientists to help them build a missile capable of going far enough to hit America.

David Cameron’s released this information so we can act ourselves – so lock your doors at night, leave a light on so Iran thinks you’re in when you’re not and report any strange missiles you see in your area.

Barack Obama said the US government requested that Tehran return the surveillance drone captured by Iran’s military. I hope he’s not holding his breath as the Japanese still haven’t returned that bomb from Hiroshima. What’s wrong with Iran? Why are they so paranoid? Anyone would think the West had at some point overthrown their democratic government and installed a brutal puppet, or cynically perpetuated their war with Iraq by selling arms to both sides. Israel is doing all it can to stop itself being a target. Well, everything short of not bulldozing Palestinian homes and building on land they promised not to.

Israel has apparently been assassinating Iranian scientists. Let’s hope they don’t try to assassinate any of ours; they’d have to queue behind anyone who ever bought a D:Ream album. Iranian clerics are denying Tehran wants the bomb, claiming they only need lumps of weapons-grade uranium for throwing at particularly promiscuous women.

Israel will have ‘no greater friend’ than the US in pursuit of peace in the Middle East, Barack Obama promised. Of course, Israel need a multi-billion missile defence system from America – how else are they going to protect themselves from children throwing stones? Israel are worried about Iran attacking them but it’s all academic anyway – America will still beat them both to the Most Murderous Regime in the Middle East Award again. The US is determined to bring peace to the Middle East and they don’t care how many millions of unarmed shepherds, women and children they have to brutally kill in order to do it.

Israel insists it’s targeting specific militants. Though in bombing the most densely populated place on earth that’s a bit like finding a bee hive but only targeting specific bees by using a mallet. It’s easy to badmouth Israel but the fact is that one way of reducing the risk of injuring civilians is to reduce the number of civilians actually around to get injured.

Netanyahu insists there could be a Palestinian state. But not till Israeli settlers have nibbled so many bits off the West Bank that the Palestinians can only fit into what’s left by stacking themselves up like a motorcycle display team.

There’s understandable concern in the UK that the conflict could spread across the Middle East. It would clearly be a calamity – another 5p on petrol. Basically, the Palestinians took a wrong turn back in 2006. They were offered a free democratic vote, and they went and voted for the wrong party. Let’s look at this historically and realistically. Germany should buy Crete from Greece and give it to one or other of them.

Like most of the international community I’d like to see a two-state solution, where people live side by side. I’d like to see one state occupied by Israel. An aggressive, destructive military power who stops at nothing to bulldoze and bomb their neighbours. And I’d like the second state to be Essex.

But congratulations are due to US Secretary of State John Kerry on getting the Israelis and Palestinians in the same room together. Apparently his trick was to give the Pales-tinian representatives a room first, then put the Israelis in one next door, and wait. Initial talks went better than expected due to Kerry’s radical approach. He told Middle East peace envoy Tony Blair they were being held in Turkey. Blair’s not had the best record in his role. He has more the air of a man sent ahead to check stabling facilities for the Four Horsemen.

Allegations of chemical weapons being used by the Syrian government have raised the possibility of Western intervention. To summarise, the Syrians are killing each other with the wrong type of weapons, so we’re going to kill them. Syria’s war is much easier to bear if you think of the past two years of death and destruction as an elaborate opening ceremony to World War Three. Poor Syria. Now the papers have started printing pictures of dead children, maybe we will see the ones killed in US drone attacks, or shall we wait for the hardback coffee table book? The heartbreaking photos have opened the world’s eyes – if you want people to care about your dead children make sure they die in a way that’s not icky to photograph.

One of Syria’s tactics is trying to destabilise Iraq by flooding it with refugees. A bit like a humanitarian version of Buckaroo. Interesting how it’s often the militant Islamists whom Arab dictators are killing; wonder where they got that idea from? Looks like any invading American force would have to start their mission by saying, ‘Now . . . this is awkward . . .’

I can’t believe our MPs voted not to back the US. The UK’s going to look as stupid as back in the 1960s, when we chose not to follow them into Vietnam. As I write, we’re being told that, unlike Danny Dyer, America must now act to maintain its credibility. The UK said any bombing would only be for 12 hours – but remember to always round projected war timings up to the nearest decade. The big question is all about UN approval. Does the West need to bother pretending to get it or not? It’s all about making surgical strikes. From 100 miles offshore. Like having your appendix removed by a circus knife-thrower.

Things are now so bad there that Bernie Ecclestone’s put in a call to President Assad about hosting a Grand Prix and we’ve been dropping in troops as ‘advisors’. It’s all perfectly legal so long as when they shoot someone they say ‘I advise you to die.’ In some ways I suppose Syria’s lucky. Imagine how bad things would be there without the years of skilful work by Mr Blair.

Blair says we must take a stand against al-Qaeda in North Africa. Although obviously he doesn’t mean that he personally will be taking a stand as he doesn’t want to get shot. He’d like you or your kids to get shot, for something that the untrained eye might think should possibly be the business of, and I admit I’m going way out on a limb here, North Africans. Cameron’s warned that the UK could be fighting al-Qaeda there for decades. Or to put it another way, until the oil runs out.

Cameron even did a tour of North Africa’s most dangerous spots. That’s a bit like the head of an abusive, violent family visiting the foster homes all his grandchildren have been placed in, then lecturing them that they need to behave if they’re ever going to get anywhere. Cameron visited Martyrs’ Square in Tripoli, where the riots began. Wonder when he last popped in on Tottenham?

No one seems to be concerned that we’re just about to launch a war against Africa. I’m guessing the public will only begin to take notice when a cluster bomb intended for a primary school hiding enemy combatants accidentally kills a baby elephant. If the war in Africa escalates, Broadway musicals will be uniquely placed to react to events with a topical show by simply performing
The Lion King
and
Miss Saigon
in the same theatre. This might be the only campaign where the RAF drops red noses before doing a loop and then launching missiles.

Western leaders have expressed their support for the new government of Libya, telling them it’s a time for calm, reflection and rearmament. Hopefully, the rival clans will now be brought together by their rich shared history, going back almost sixty years when their country was created by the French and the English whipping out a pen and ruler after a piss-up.

Libya is far from poor. Apart from its oil, being 90 per cent desert has made it the world’s largest exporter of egg timers. They could now make a fortune from tourism. The beautiful coastline and Roman ruins make it ideal. Plus all the random weaponry would be ideal for men on stag weekends to rent for drunken camel shoots.