Scratch (32 page)

Five minutes later I was back behind the bar helping Natalie put the last of the glasses away when she punched my arm lightly to get my attention. She nodded towards Paula, who was peering into her wine glass in a manner suggesting she’d seen something floating there she wished she’d spotted before starting to drink from it. ‘I like her,’ Natalie whispered.

‘Told you,’ I said.

‘If she’s the one, she’s a good one.’

‘She’s the one.’

‘Good one.’

***

‘So,’ Paula said as we sat in The Grind.

‘So,’ I answered. There was that wee bit of awkwardness.

‘Why do we still have these weird moments, do you think?’

I shrugged. ‘Probably because we’re weirdoes.’

‘Speak for yourself.’

‘I mean our circumstances. No rule book, you know.’

‘I suppose. You’d think we’d be used to it by now.’

‘I’m kind of hoping it doesn’t go on long enough for us to get used to it,’ I said. ‘I don’t think it would be very healthy if we started to think this was normal, do you?’

‘No, you’re right.’ Paula smiled and drank some coffee, careful to check her nose for froth afterwards.

‘No word on Isaak?’

‘Only that he’s still hanging in there. I feel like such a shite, acting as if nothing’s wrong to Ingo.’

I had become expert at pretending Ingo didn’t exist when I was with Paula, but he was bound to come up every now and then. ‘Maybe you should tell him, get it over with.’

‘I
can’t
, Jim. It’s not fair to him; I need to wait till his situation changes.’

‘I know you think that,’ I said. ‘But are you sure it wouldn’t be better for everyone to get it out in the open?’

‘No Jim, it might be better for
you
, but that doesn’t mean it would for anyone else.’

I didn’t appreciate the accusation in Paula’s voice, but I understood her frustration (sort of). ‘That’s not what I meant; I can wait as long as we need to.’

Paula sighed. ‘I know, sorry. I keep forgetting how hard this must be for you.’

‘Hey, I get to have you around. It may not be perfect yet but it’s a hell of a lot better than nothing.’

‘Yeah, right. You
love
all this hand-holding and nose kissing.’

‘I don’t
not
love it,’ I said. ‘I won’t deny I’m looking forward to being able to hold and kiss some other bits of you, right enough.’

She laughed. ‘Me feckin’ too, you’re not the only one with a libido here.’

‘Good to know. Can I ask you something?’

‘I should hope so.’

‘Once all this is sorted, what do you want to do?’

She looked confused. ‘I don’t follow.’

‘About us,’ I said. ‘Do you want to look for a place together, get engaged, all that stuff?’

‘Jim, I hope you won’t be disappointed to learn I have no intention of ever getting married again.’

‘Fair enough.’ I
was
a little disappointed, but tried not to let it show. ‘What about getting a flat?’

‘That, I could cope with. I need to leave it a respectable amount of time
though
or my mother would be scandalised.’

‘How long, do you think?’

‘After we’re out in the open? A few months at least.’

I was about to speak, but the misery must have been clear enough on my face that I didn’t have to.

‘I’m married, Jim. It’s not the same as just chucking some guy.’

‘I know that. Just not
too
many months, okay?’

‘And this would be purely because you want to live with me, and nothing at all to do with the fact you can’t afford a place on your own?’

‘Of course.’

‘Yeah, right.’

‘You do want to, though, when the time’s right?’

After the now habitual look around to check she didn’t know anyone in the vicinity, Paula reached for my hand and clasped it firmly.

‘Jim, you’re it. I don’t know if I wish we’d stayed together twelve years ago because then I might have missed out on going to
Germany
, but you’re
it
. You’re stuck with me, boyo, get used to it.’

‘I’ll do my best. I really want to kiss you right now.’

‘Me too,’ she said, squeezing my hand almost to the point of pain, and then letting go. ‘Guess we better change the subject. How’s Terry getting on? Is Ronni still abusing him?’

‘Seems to be. He was in for lunch the other day and I swear he’s lost some weight. He had a mountain of steak-pie and chips, so it can only be the exercise.’

‘Good for them. I can’t believe I’m jealous of a guy I barely know and a girl I’ve never met.’

‘Careful, that way lies madness.’

‘True. What’s the deal with you and Terry, anyway? How come he’s the only mate you ever talk about?’

‘He’s the only one I’ve got, I suppose.’

‘See, I don’t get that,’ Paula said. ‘You were always in the middle of a crowd back in our Basement days. What happened?’

‘I don’t know, really,’ I said. ‘I switched jobs so many times that I ended up switching mates, too, I suppose. I’ve always been rubbish at holding on to people, yourself being a case in point.’

‘How many jobs have you had?’

‘Now you’re asking. Let’s see.’ I started to count in my head.

‘Roughly?’

‘Well, after The Basement I worked in four other pubs. Then about nine years ago I switched to call centres and worked in five of them, not including Combined Utilities. They conned me at the interview that it wasn’t really a call centre, but it was. So what’s that, ten, eleven?’

‘Bloody hell.’

‘Is that a lot? No such thing as a job for life these days, at least according to every taxi driver I’ve ever met. In pubs you hang out with the other staff, but in call centres you’re generally lucky to find even one person you don’t want to kill painfully. Terry’s the closest thing I’ve found to a proper human being in any of them.’

Paula looked horrified. ‘That’s so sad. Why didn’t you keep in touch with anyone from your pub days?’

‘
Dunno
. No one ever does, really.’

‘I did.’

‘But you moved away,’ I said.

‘So?’

‘So, I bet if you’d stayed here you’d have drifted apart from loads of folk. It’s the very fact you left that made you want to keep them in your life, as a safety-net sort of thing.’

‘No it wasn’t.’

‘You say that, but I’m telling you it’s true. When something’s right there in front of you it’s way too easy to take it for granted and stop paying any attention to it. It’s only because you knew you
couldn’t
see people that you felt you had to keep in touch with them.’

‘No, it wasn’t.’

‘Bet you it was. I’ve never even been to the Burrell Collection.’

‘Huh?’

‘One of the greatest private collections of artworks and antiques in the world and I’ve never been, despite the fact it’s only a couple of miles down the road. I guarantee you that if it was in
Manchester
or somewhere I’d want to see it. Christ, I might even go to
Edinburgh
if I was bored and had all my injections. But put it in
Pollok
Park
and I couldn’t give a shit. It’s always there, so I don’t need to plan or make an effort to see it, I can go any time I like. So I never have and probably never will. Friends are the same.’ This was possibly the most convincing and logical argument I had ever formed in my life, and I felt proud of my insight.

‘That’s a huge pile of shite and makes absolutely no sense at all,’ Paula said. ‘Firstly, you should go to the Burrell Collection, it’s brilliant. Secondly, you don’t stay in touch with people as a
safety-net
; you stay in touch because they make you laugh or listen to you moan; because they accept you, faults and all, because they like you and you like them. That’s what friendship
is
.’

‘No, Paula,’ I said. ‘That’s what friendship is for
women
. For guys it’s mainly about getting drunk and talking about the very, very few things women
won’t
talk about, i.e. non-reality TV shows that
aren’t
soap operas, and sci-fi movies.’

‘You forgot football,’ Paula said, shaking her head.

‘And football, yes. Thanks.’

‘You believe that, don’t you?’

‘It’s not a matter of belief, it’s plain fact.’

‘You worry me greatly sometimes, Jim.’

‘I appreciate your concern, but it’s unfounded. I’m not unusual Paula, I’m just a guy.’

‘A 33 year-old guy who only has one friend. That’s not normal, I promise you. Sammy has friends coming out of his arse,’ (I promise I didn’t snigger), ‘so does Damian, and
Steph
; pretty much every guy I know except you. Christ, Ingo has more mates than you, and he’s a teacher.’

‘Eh.’ It had never occurred to me to think I was deficient in this area. I suppose Terry was big enough to feel like multiple mates in many ways; he certainly took up multiple seats in the pub. ‘I get on with Natalie and Mark at work,’ I said. I would have mentioned Lucy too, but Paula had met her and so knew how good looking she was, and I couldn’t be bothered with an ‘of course it’s her personality’ variation on the Sheryl Crow thing.

‘I’m sure you do, but have you ever seen them outside of work?’

‘No,’ I admitted.

‘Why not?’

‘Eh. Natalie sees her boyfriend most nights and I’m not a hundred
percent
sure Mark likes me.’

‘Friends are so important, Jim,’ Paula said. ‘I can’t believe you don’t know that.’

‘I’m a wanker, not an idiot, Paula.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Are you patronising me?’

‘I think I may be, yes.’

‘As long as you’re aware of it.’

‘Sorry. I just know how much my mates have helped me out over the years. I’d be a complete feckin’ mess without them.’

‘This is hard for you, isn’t it?’ I said.

‘What?’

‘Not being able to tell them all what’s going on.’

‘When did you learn how to read me so well?’

‘Your dad must be rubbing-off.’

She laughed. ‘Please God, don’t say that! You’re right, though, I feel crappy, lying to them. They all keep asking when Ingo’s coming over, what we’re going to do, where we’re going to live. It’s hard.’

‘Surely they could keep a secret. Why don’t you tell them?’

Paula drained the last of her coffee. ‘I know you want to tell the world, but it’s not that easy. I had to tell Andrea and Sammy, I couldn’t help it, and I understand why you told Terry. But every time someone else finds out it feels like I’m betraying Ingo, like I’m saying he doesn’t deserve any respect. He’s not a bad person, Jim.’ Her eyes dropped. ‘Does that make any sense?’