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‘It’s complicated,’ I said.

‘Abe thinks you’re born-again Christians with a vow of chastity.’

‘Abe doesn’t know everything,’ I said.

‘Well, duh! You drink far too much for it to be that. So what is it?’

I thought about trying to come up with some bullshit, but decided I liked Natalie too much to bother. ‘Can you keep a secret?’

‘Who from?’ Natalie extricated herself from the glass shelves and was now listening eagerly.

‘Well, everyone. That’s what a secret means.’

‘In that case, no.’

‘Usually people lie and say yes.’

‘Well I must be unusual then. If there are specific individuals you don’t want me to tell I might be able to help you, depending on who they are.’

‘Okay. Lucy.’

‘No, sorry. I can’t promise that.’

‘Eh, Abe?’

She thought for a minute. ‘I don’t do too many day shifts so I could avoid telling him anything for a few weeks, probably.’

‘What about Kate?’

Natalie burst out laughing. ‘I wouldn’t tell her if her arse was on fire.’

‘Okay. Do you know any members of my family or Paula’s?’

‘No.’

‘Any of Paula’s friends?’

‘Only Sammy.’

‘He already knows.’

‘Cool. What about your friends, you didn’t ask if I know any of them.’

‘I’ve only got one and he knows.’

So I explained.

It took most of the night, partly due to customer interruptions but mainly because Natalie kept laughing.

‘… hoping he dies soon so we can get on with things.’ It was after eleven before I got to the end.

‘Oh Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim,
Jim
. She seems like a lovely lassie, but are you sure she’s worth it?’ Natalie had brought her cackling under control.

‘Honestly? Not a single doubt.’

‘You sound pretty certain.’

I shrugged. ‘It’s not
always
pretty, but I am certain.’

Natalie gave me a truly wonderful smile. ‘If I was single, about eighty years older and into baldy twats, I might fall for the likes of you, assuming I was also drunk and feeling charitable. And desperate.’

‘I’m sure I’ll find a compliment in there somewhere when I’ve got the time to look, so thanks.’ Natalie was almost as good as Terry at insulting you into feeling good about yourself.

Although neither of us were facing that way, we both suddenly became aware of the office door opening; it was a kind of radar all the staff had developed.

‘How are we doing?’ Kate asked. ‘Did we get the gantry cleaned?’

Natalie rolled her eyes. ‘Yes,
we
did manage that.’

‘And have we stocked up the bar, Jim?’

‘Yes Kate,
we
have done that, yes.’ I managed not to snigger by remembering I was in my thirties.

‘Good job, team,’ Kate said, her mouth adopting an upturned crescent shape for a second. ‘Let me know when the last punter’s gone and I’ll grab the till.’

Once Kate had slithered back into the office, Natalie held her hand out to me and I dutifully shook it. ‘Good job, team mate,’ she said.

‘And you, comrade. Another battle is won.’

‘And won well. Floor or bar?’

We were twenty minutes from closing and there were only four customers left, all of them nursing drinks that were at least a half-hour old, so we could safely start to break down and clean up. ‘I’ll take the floor,’ I said. ‘You’re too wee to lift the chairs up.’

‘And you’re a height-
ist
, slap head.’

‘That’s not a word.’

‘No, it’s two words:
slap
and
head
.’

‘I meant
height-
ist
.’

‘Now you’re being word-
ist
. Get to work, old man.’

‘Sounds like you two need an English teacher,’ Paula said from behind me.

I turned round. ‘How come you’re the only person apart from Sammy who can open that door without it creaking?’

Paula shrugged her shoulders. ‘Luck of the Irish?’

‘If you look at the history you’ve not been
that
lucky, overall,’ I said.

‘Me personally or my race in general?’

‘Bit of both, really.’

‘Okay. Am I too late for a drink?’

Natalie barged in before I could answer. ‘No bother, Paula. What you for?’

‘A white wine, thanks.’

Paula’s eyebrows sent a question my way. My eyebrows tried to answer. Paula’s
eyes
indicated she either hadn’t understood or possibly wasn’t happy with my answer. I did my best to placate her with a combination of eye
and
eyebrow signals, but I wasn’t confident. Paula looked over towards Natalie, who was pouring her wine, and looked
very
pointedly back at me. I gave up and nodded.

‘Prick,’ Paula hissed.

‘Sorry,’ I whispered back.

‘You’re hopeless.’

‘I know, sorry. She already knew something was going on, though. She’s a good girl, it’ll be fine.’

Natalie came back over with Paula’s drink. ‘There you go.’

‘Cheers, Natalie. I hear this moron of a man has been letting cats out of bags all over the place.’

Natalie looked at me before answering. ‘It actually makes a lot more sense than some of the theories that have been doing the rounds.’

‘Abe thinks we’re Jehovah’s Witnesses,’ I said, in what felt like a piss-poor defence.

Paula shook her head and smiled. ‘Just tell me that
Kate
one doesn’t know.’

‘No fears,’ Natalie said. ‘She’s too busy trying to pretend she’s busy to give a shit about us plebs.’

Paula reached a hand out towards a surprised Natalie, who reciprocated more out of politeness than purpose, by the look of things.

‘Welcome to the fold,’ Paula said, shaking Natalie’s hand. ‘This is all still a bit delicate, I
hope
Jim explained that to you.’

‘Don’t worry, doll.’ Natalie said, returning the grip. ‘He’s my new favourite uncle, is Jim. I wouldn’t do a thing to hurt him.’

I was standing back hoping no one would throw anything at me at this point, but I noticed them exchange an odd look I didn’t understand.
They
seemed to come to an understanding though, which was the main thing.

‘Right, mister,’ Paula said to me. ‘This wine is fine, but I need a coffee. Get this placed cleaned up so you can take me away and not ravage me somewhere.’

‘Yes ma’am.’

 
The few remaining customers left a couple of minutes later and I grabbed the keys from beside the till and locked the door.

Natalie stuck her head through the office door and shouted, ‘That’s us!’

Kate appeared to get the float. ‘Oh, hi, Paula,’ she said, giving Paula one of those looks women give other women sometimes.

‘How are you, Kate? Busy night?’ Anyone who didn’t know her would think Paula was being as friendly as a beagle to a butcher; she would have made an excellent politician.

‘Always is,’ Kate said, equally convincing. ‘What brings you in?’

‘Oh, I left my purse at Sammy’s the other night - I’m a daft cow sometimes - and he gave it to
Jimbo
here to hold on to for me. I was passing and thought I’d nip in to get it, then figured I might as well cadge a lift home with Jimmy-boy, seeing as he’s going in my direction.’

Now
that
was quality lying. Paula didn’t do any of that looking up to the left and down to the right, or whatever it is that’s meant to give you away. She simply maintained eye contact with Kate and smiled. Screw being a politician, she should have taken up poker and made some real money.

‘Oh right. He shouldn’t be too much longer. Make sure you take the rubbish out when you leave, Jim.’ I felt Kate let herself down a bit with that one; cutting - yes, subtle - no.

‘Eh, yeah, no bother,’ I said.

‘Don’t worry, I’ll give him a hand,’ Paula said. ‘I’ll even make sure he gets rid of the bin in the office.’ I don’t know how she managed it, but there was no missing the silent ‘t’ at the end of ‘bin’.

Kate’s face froze briefly before she regained composure and did one of those wrinkly-nosed smiles that says
I hope you get cancer
.

‘I’d better get back to work, I’m
sure
I’ll see you again soon, Paula.’

‘Cheerio,’ Paula said brightly as Kate scurried back through the office door. If Bruce was up there watching, he’d just witnessed a master class on the art of
fighting without fighting
.

With the door closed, Natalie stopped kidding-on she was working and rushed over to Paula. ‘I love you,’ she said. ‘Please teach me how to do that to her.’

Paula laughed. ‘It’s only easy because I don’t work here. If she was my boss I’d never have the balls.’

‘Aw.’ Natalie looked disappointed.

‘It helps if you’re a bitch, right enough,’ Paula said. ‘I’ve found having plenty of gay pals helps; every cocktail comes with a built-in ‘how to be a
sarky
cow’ tutorial.’

I was feeling a bit left out as Natalie giggled. ‘You’re just trying to make me jealous,’ I said.

‘Oh God, aye! Natalie, has Jim told you about his recent realisation about his best friend?’

I had. ‘Now come on, Paula, don’t make fun of the poor man,’ Natalie said, still laughing. ‘That would have been traumatic for anyone. It’s a big shift-change in their relationship.’

‘
D’you
think he’ll cope?’

‘As long as we offer him the adequate support,’ Natalie said, ‘I reckon he’ll be all right.’

‘I feel better knowing you’re here for him,’ Paula said. ‘Thanks for that.’

‘Glad to do it.’

Piss-taking complete, they both looked at me. ‘Are we done?’ I asked. ‘’Cos I’ve still got some work to do, you know.’

‘Don’t forget the rubbish,’ Paula said, saluting me with her wine.

‘So do you, wee man,’ I said to Natalie.

‘
Yessir
, sorry sir, right away, sir. Should I check back in when I’ve completed each task, so you can inspect my work?’

‘Piss off,’ I said, reasonably.

We got busy.

As I tidied up behind her, Paula tugged my sleeve and gestured me over. She nodded towards Natalie, who was involved in a battle of wits with the ice machine. ‘I like her,’ Paula whispered.

‘Told you.’