Scratch (44 page)

‘You’re still working,’ Sammy said.

Abe pulled up the sleeve of his jacket and held his watch aloft for the rest of us to see. ‘Five-to-six, I was in ten minutes early so I’m done, mate,’ he said. He looked at me. ‘You’d better put a
shandy
in the tap for the wee man, Jim. I’ll pay for it. Your dad seems like a good old guy, Paula.’

‘Yeah, he is that,’ Paula said. She looked imploringly at Sammy, then me. It was a mark of how freaked she was that she even included Kate in her mercy scan.

Surprisingly, it was Kate who stepped up first. She grabbed Abe’s collar and pulled him close. ‘Right, you,’ she said. ‘Paula’s mum and dad don’t know about her and Jim yet, okay? So not a word from you, not even a dig, understand?’

Abe looked more impressed than scared, but he nodded. ‘Aye, no bother.’

‘One drink and you’re away, too,’ Kate said. ‘And if that
wee
nyaff
Jed says anything it won’t be him who gets in bother.’

We all looked impressed, even Paula.

‘Cool the beans, no worries,’ Abe said.

Sammy stepped in at this point. ‘It’s worth you knowing that as of today Jim is your boss, too.’

Abe looked at him, then at me. ‘Nice one, mate. Congrats.’

‘Yeah, cheers,’ I said.

‘Don’t be a dick about it, eh?’

‘Do my best.’

‘You can do what you like to the wee man, obviously.’

‘I’ll bear that in mind.’

We all looked at one another. ‘Are we sorted?’ Paula said.

‘I think we might be,’ I said. Sam, Kate and Abe nodded.

‘Wow, okay,’ I said. ‘I’ll pour the drinks, then. Who’s for what?’

It couldn’t be that easy, could it? Paula, Sam and the others went to join Simon and Louise and I was putting the finishing touches to the head on Simon’s Guinness when I heard the door open. I had another panic attack about how truly terrible it would be if my mum and dad chose today to visit me at work for the first time. But no, they wouldn’t. They’d have to care first (not about me, about the job).

I turned slowly, to see it was only Mark and Natalie arriving for the evening shift.

‘All right, Uncle Jim?’ Natalie said as Mark went through to the office. ‘Is there a party on you forgot to invite me to?’ She pointed over at Paula’s table.

‘Not my choice, believe me,’ I said. ‘That’s Paula’s parents; they don’t know anything so we need a bit of discretion.’

‘Hah!’ Natalie said. ‘How did this happen?’

‘I have no idea, but it has.’

‘Why is Abe there? Why is
Daisy
there?’

‘It’s a not very long but extremely boring story,’ I said.

Mark came back out of the office and eyed the table. ‘Busy day?’

‘That would be one way to put it, yeah,’ I said. ‘Listen, Mark, I know you don’t care, but that’s—’

‘I’ll fill him in,’ Natalie interrupted. ‘Away you and entertain your guests.’

‘I don’t really want to,’ I said.

‘Tough shit, mate.’

‘That it is.’

 
Natalie smiled with sympathy; Mark just smiled. I lifted the tray of drinks and took a deep breath.

It could be much worse, I reminded myself as I approached the far-more-crowded-than-I-was-happy-with table. Mr and Mrs Cooper could have walked through the door, but they hadn’t.

And so, of course, I heard the door creak open again. I bowed my head, almost allowing eight drinks to slide off the tray. Surely not, even a God who didn’t exist and didn’t think much of me if he did wouldn’t be that cruel.

I looked towards the door. It wasn’t my parents, thankfully.

Not so thankfully, it was Terry and Ronni - the ideal seasoning to complete the casserole of doom my afternoon had become. I loved Terry dearly and liked Ronni a lot, but, you know,
fuck off
.

‘All right, Coop?’ Terry cried, coming up the stairs towards me.

‘Hi, Jim,’ Ronni said.

‘Hey.’ I handed the tray to a confused Terry and indicated the big round table. ‘Give them out and I’ll get you two a drink.’

‘Ooh, it’s a gathering,’ Terry said.

‘Yes. Shut up.’

Terry’s eyes narrowed. ‘Are you stressed?’

‘Only
hunners
. Try not to get me murdered, please.’

‘Do my best,’ he said happily. ‘C’mon Ron, you need to meet Paula’s dad; he’s mental as fuck.’

‘Yay,’ Ronni said.

This couldn’t possibly end well.

***

And yet, it didn’t.

I didn’t sit next to Paula when I finally made it to the table a few minutes later. Sammy and Louise were whispering and giggling away to each other and Paula was bravely trying to hold her dad’s attention. Ronni and Kate ended up next to one another and were deep in discussion about something or other and Terry and Abe had apparently been comparing notes on how much I was shitting myself, given the wide grins they both had on their faces when I squeezed on to the bench between them.

‘Everyone’s met everyone, then?’ I said.

‘Indeed, James,’ Simon said, even though I had been speaking to Terry. ‘I was just remarking how well Terence is looking; seems like young Veronica there is having a positive impact on the boy.’

That was about as safe a topic as was likely to make an appearance, and I latched on to it.

‘Couldn’t agree more. Did he mention they’ve been house hunting?’

‘He did not,’ Simon said, turning his attention to Terry. ‘How goes it?’

‘Still looking for the right place,’ Terry said. ‘It’s a big step; we need to be sure we’re both happy before we commit.’

‘Wise, Terence, very wise,’ Simon said, nodding.

‘Yes,’ Ronni said, giving Terry a disapproving look. ‘But we also need to be willing to shift our bums and actually go and see a few flats for ourselves instead of only looking on the net all the time.’

Simon raised his eyebrows. ‘Is that a problem, Terence?’

‘A little bit,’ Terry admitted. I was surprised, thinking this was the sort of conversation he and Ronni should have in private. If he was having second thoughts they wouldn’t want the world and her parents to know about it, surely.

‘It’s because you’re lazy, isn’t it?’ Simon said.

‘That’s the one,’ Terry said. ‘Who can be bothered traipsing around looking in other people’s bedrooms of an evening? I mean, I can’t wait to get somewhere, I just wish I didn’t have to actually put the work in, you know?’

‘A common complaint,’ Simon said. ‘There is a fairly simple solution, though.’

‘What’s that?’ Terry said, curious.

‘Get off your arse, you indolent big shite.’

Everyone laughed except for Louise, but even she looked amused in a disapproving way.

‘
Thank you
,’ Ronni said.

‘You’re very welcome, Veronica. Do you take my point, Terence?’

Terry smiled and nodded. ‘As ever, Simon.’

‘Good man.’ He scanned the table, choosing his next victim. I thought it was going to be me, but he kept going to my left a bit. ‘And Abe. Would that be short for Abraham?’

‘No,’ Abe said.

‘I didn’t think so,’ Simon said. He raised his eyebrows and held Abe’s gaze. This would be interesting. I’d have guaranteed almost anyone would cave to Simon Fraser in a stare-off, but I couldn’t be so sure about Abe, inscrutable,
perma
-stoned bam that he was.

He lasted an admirable five seconds before he gave in. ‘It’s a nickname from school,’ he said, clearly disgusted with himself. ‘My name’s Alan.’ I was impressed and afraid in equal measure; I had been working alongside Abe for almost three months and I didn’t even know it wasn’t his real name. Simon had got it out of him in two sentences. Then again, he did know more than most about multiple monikers.

‘So how did
Abe
come about?’ Simon asked.

‘
S’no
big deal,’ Abe said. ‘Nothing interesting.’
Embarrassed
wasn’t a look I’d seen Abe do before. It felt strange. ‘It was a stupid rhyming thing at school.’

‘There aren’t too many words that rhyme with Abe,’ Simon pointed out.

‘Aye, I’m aware of that,’ Abe said.

I thought about it. Simon was right, there weren’t many. I could only think of one, in fact.

‘I looked like a
fuckin
’ baby till I was sixteen, all right?’ Abe said.

‘Abe the Babe? Hah!’ I couldn’t stop myself, it just came out.

‘Aye, very funny. It was
Baby
Aby
, actually. I was a wee chubby fucker at school, so fuck.’

You would have to be looking for it to notice, but Louise winced slightly every time Abe opened his mouth.

‘You enjoy a swear word, don’t you, Alan?’ said Simon. This guy was merciless.

‘They add colour,’ said Abe, defiant.

‘I agree,’ said Simon.

‘What did you do when you were sixteen?’ said Terry.

Abe looked at him. ‘Drugs.’

‘Really? Which—’

‘Terry!’ interrupted Ronni.

‘All of them,’ said Abe.

With the attention elsewhere, I felt safe in sneaking a glance at Paula. She smiled and shrugged in an ‘it could be worse’ way. I shrugged back in an ‘I know what you mean’ way. She raised her eyebrows and did a thing with her nose that said ‘we might just get away with this’. I wiggled various facial muscles in an attempt to agree.

‘And James, how are things with you?’
Pish
.

‘Eh, yeah, good, Simon.’

‘Congratulations on your promotion. I’d imagine your parents are pleased.’ Like I said, merciless.

‘Haven’t told them yet, Simon. Not because I don’t know how to, only because I’ve just found out myself.’ I think I detected a little defiance of my own there, but I couldn’t be sure.

‘I’d imagine they’re pleased anyway,’ Simon said. Now I may very well have read it wrong, but I was almost certain the look Simon gave me had bugger-all to do with my parents, and a lot to do with the fact I was planning to sleep with his daughter in a few days’ time.

‘Anyway,’ Sammy said. ‘The next round’s on me. Jim, give me a hand.’

‘Okay.’ I accidentally elbowed Terry in the face in my eagerness to get to the bar, but I knew he would understand.

‘Are you coping?’ Sam asked when he’d ordered the drinks from Mark.

‘Just about,’ I said. ‘I’m more worried about Abe or Terry saying something than me or Paula. Keeping a secret from everyone is a lot easier than only keeping it from a couple of people. Especially when Simon Fraser is one of them.’