Season of Blessing (14 page)
By the time
Sylvia had finished all her scans, the kids had gone home to give the baby a nap. Sylvia tried to sleep, but the pain in her chest and under her arm was so great that she couldn't relax.
But it wasn't the pain keeping her awake. It was the fear. She'd already had bad news once today. If the scans showed tumors in other organsâ¦Well, she couldn't even think past that.
Harry had gone to see the film and gather the reports. Once again, she thanked God that he had pull in this hospital, and that she didn't have to wait through another long night.
When he finally came back into her room, his eyes were bright and dancing.
She caught her breath. “Good news?”
“Yes,” he said. “The cancer doesn't seem to have spread to any other organs.”
“Oh, thank you, God.” She brought her hand to her forehead and gave in to the tears that had threatened her all day. “Thank you.”
Harry's eyes were wet as he bent over her bed. “You're going to be fine, sweetheart,” he said. “What the surgery didn't get, the chemo will.”
She reached up and framed his face with her hands. “Oh, Harry. Are they sure?”
“They're sure and I'm sure.”
She sat up, slid her feet off the bed. Wiping her eyes, she said, “Okay, then that means I can get on with this. I need to go home, Harry. I need to shop for a prosthesis to wear under my clothes. I need to look for a wig for when my hair falls out. I need to start physical therapy so I can move my arm again. I need to spend time with my grandbaby. I need to get on with things.”
“I already talked to Sam about releasing you. He told me you can go home tomorrow.”
She got up and pulled Harry into a one-armed hug, and melted against him. “You're going to be all right, sweetie,” he whispered again. “You're going to be all right.”
But the good news didn't outweigh the bad, and that night, as she tried to sleep one more night in the hospital room, with the bright night-light over her head and nurses coming in and out to take her blood pressure and temperature, she thought about those cancer cells that had already gotten past the filters of her lymph nodes. Where had they gone, and where were they headed? Would they take up residence somewhere in her body before the chemo could nuke them out?
Once again, she kicked herself for thinking this way. There was so much to be grateful for. How could she overlook the blessings of the normal scans and only concentrate on the negative?
But as hard as she tried to banish them, the thoughts wouldn't go away. She almost wished she hadn't insisted that Harry go home tonight. He was exhausted from sleeping on the sofa next to the window, and with Sarah's family and Jeff in the house, he needed to be home.
Besides, she was a big girl, and the uncertainty had passed. She knew where she stood now, what to expect, what would come next. It could be so much worse. People recovered from breast cancer all the time. It was treatable, and she had the best doctors anyone could want.
Yes, she told herself. She had much to be grateful for.
She reached for the Bible that Harry had left on her bed table, and turned to the Psalms. There would be comfort there, she knew. There always was.
She turned to Psalm 42 and began to read. When she reached verse five, she knew the Lord was speaking to her.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God
,
for I will yet praise him
,
my Savior and my God
.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan
,
the heights of Hermonâfrom Mount Mizar
.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and your breakers
have swept over me
.
By day the L
ORD
directs his love
,
at night his song is with meâ
a prayer to the God of my life
.
She hung on the last words of that passageâ¦His song would be with her tonightâ¦
Yes, she thought. She should sing that song. She should praise him, even from her despair.
Softly, tentatively, she began to sing about entering his courts with thanksgiving in her heartâ¦
She sang it slowly at first, haltingly, in a quiet voice that belied the words of the song. But then her heart lifted, and she sang in a faster rhythmâ¦over and overâ¦until joy did fill her heart like a prayer.
When she finished the song, she smiled and snuggled under her bedcovers. Yes, that was what she needed, she thought. The words of Psalm 104:33 whispered from her lips. “I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.”
Sweet sleep wrought from the Lord's presence fell over her, and in spite of the light and the cold and the pain and the intrusions, Sylvia slept better than she had in days.
Sylvia was home
two weeks when she decided to lead a Bible study of the book of James for the ladies of Cedar Circle. Tory couldn't have been happier. Since Hannah's birth, she'd spent so much time obsessing over the child that she hadn't taken enough time for Bible study.
The late August heat hung heavy over Breezewood, so they met in Sylvia's cool air-conditioned living room.
Tory sat at Sylvia's feet as her friend taught her about “considering it all joy” when you encounter trials. Sylvia was still weak from the surgery, and Tory could see the pain on her face when she moved a certain way. But she seemed to be doing well.
As she taught from James, Tory realized that the choice of books was as much for Sylvia as for them. They had all gone through trials of one kind or another, but Sylvia's was one of the worst of all. Tory couldn't imagine how she had the energy to concentrate when so much uncertainty hung over her.
But the study gave Tory comfort, and she could see that it was helpful to Cathy and Brenda, too. When they ended with prayer, Tory sighed. “You know, the more I learn about the Bible, the more I realize I don't know.”
Brenda laughed. “Isn't that the truth? I feel the same way.”
Cathy, curled up with her stocking feet beneath her on Sylvia's couch, waved them off. “You guys are way ahead of me. I came into this Christian thing too late.”
“Don't be ridiculous,” Sylvia said. “It's never too late.”
“But I don't know
half
of this stuff.”
“Well, you will. We're going to work through it together. It'll keep me going.”
“Yeah,” Cathy said. “Every time you get discouraged and don't want to teach us, you'll realize what heathens we are and decide that you've got to keep going.”
Sylvia laughed. “That wasn't what I meant.”
Cathy moaned and dropped her feet. “But it's true. I feel like a downright pagan when I start studying. All these things start coming up that I've never even heard.”
Tory laughed. “And the worst part is that you're accountable for the things you know. So in a way, ignorance is bliss, right? If you don't know it, you're not accountable?”
“Hey, you're accountable, all right.” Sylvia held her Bible up. “Everything you need to know is right here. You're accountable because all that information is available to you. There's no excuse for having it and not reading it.”
“Ouch,” Tory said. “You can be so brutal.”
Sylvia's laughter lilted through Tory's heart. It was music.
Sylvia led them into her kitchen where she'd baked a cake earlier that day. They cut it and took their saucers to the table. “So, Tory, what have you decided about the job?”
Tory shrugged. “I haven't decided yet. But I do need to let Mary Ann know by the end of the week. She's got to hire someone else if I don't take it.” Never one to eat much of anything with calories, Tory picked at her cake. “I just feel like I need to stay at home with Hannah. I don't like the idea of putting her in a nursery.”
“But it's not just any nursery,” Sylvia said. “It's a nursery that challenges her and helps her grow. She needs that, Tory. I wouldn't feel guilty about it at all.”
Cathy dug into her cake with gusto. “And think of the benefits to you, getting to work with the older kids. You'll have so much hope about what Hannah is going to do eventually. I think Mary Ann sounds like a genius. You were the perfect choice for that.”
Tory cut the icing off and took a small bite of cake. “The truth is, I'd really like to do it. And Barry wants me to.”
“Then what are you waiting for?” Brenda's question sounded so reasonable. “I don't even know what's making you hesitate.”
Tory smiled. “Do you really think I should?”
“Of course I do,” Brenda said. “What's the downside?”
“Well, I wouldn't have as much time for Bible study with you guys. If I have Hannah in the nursery in the morning, I don't want to leave her again at night.”
Sylvia wasn't satisfied. “You'll only be working Tuesdays and Thursdays. This is Monday. It's doable, Tory.”
Tory considered the passion on Sylvia's face. She needed this study to get her mind focused for her upcoming chemo, and Tory needed it to have the strength to go on with her mothering of Hannah. “I'll probably take the job,” she said. “And I'll try to keep up with the study. But the homework you're giving us is pretty substantial, and I'm not sure how much time I'll have to do it. There are some pretty complicated concepts in James.”
“Well, you can't let the complicated concepts make you forget that the salvation message is very simple,” Sylvia said. “âBelieve in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved.' That's all there is to it.”
“But there's so much more,” Tory said. “We know that works can't save you. Only faith can. But then James says that faith without works is dead. So there's more than just âbelieve on the Lord.'”
“There's not more to salvation,” Sylvia said. “Just to growth and sanctification.”
“Holiness,” Cathy said, pointing her fork at Tory. “Now that's the hard part.”
“It is hard,” Sylvia said, “but when we stay in the Word we can figure out how to be holy. And the great thing is that it's not our holiness that we need, but Christ working in us.”
“Amen,” Tory agreed.
That night, with her decision made and the Bible still fresh in her heart, Tory snuggled up to Barry.
“I think Sylvia's going to be all right,” she said. “She's already back to herself. She's visiting the oncologist tomorrow but she doesn't even seem to dread it.”
“I think she'll be all right, too,” Barry said.
“And I'm looking forward to my job. I guess I'll start Tuesday.”
He kissed her. “I'm excited for you. I think it will be good for you to think about someone other than Hannah for a change.”