Second Nature (18 page)

I nodded, thoughtful.

Sariah continued. “We're not sure exactly
what the tool is, but no one has been able to recreate it. Her
notes mention the ‘bloodied bodily fluids of a surviving mate’.
Many have speculated on what it could actually be, and it’s been
speculated to be anything from a type of wand to a simple pair of
scissors. The thing is, to completely sever the bond, both partners
need to be present. The tool must be anointed with each partners’
blood, and possibly other bodily fluids, like tears, or spit. The
hand to wield it must be ‘pure of heart and intent', and a born
witch.”

“So right now either Peter or Lesley has to
have this tool?'' I grimaced as Sariah nodded. “And can this tool
be used to severe the physical bond without those things?”

Russell looked grim, not meeting my eyes as
he spoke. “If they have blood from both you, a very powerful witch
can sever the physical bond without you being there, but neither of
you will survive.”

“And it's safe to assume they have Nate's
blood. Does it have to be fresh blood or will dried work?” I
relived the room tilting and falling to the floor as blood slowly
soaked through my shirt and on to the floor of the warehouse.
“Because the night I was shot—” Panic stole my breath, and I sat
down hard on one of the deck chairs.

“Calm down, Lia. It’s okay. The blood has to
be fresh.”

I put my head in my hands in relief. After a
moment I raised it again and looked at her. “So the question is,
does the Librarian have the tool or does Peter?”

“I don't think Peter even knows about it.”
Sariah shrugged. “Something tells me if he did, he would be
constantly antagonizing you.”

“Besides, it seems far more likely Leslie—as
a Librarian—would have access to it.” Russell nodded, his lips
pressed in a thin line.

It made sense. Peter wasn’t exactly calm and
collected, so he would rush into things, the consequences be
damned. And Leslie did have those cool Inquisition swords. “Do you
know who she is, Russell?”

“Her name is Leslie Taylor. She's sixth
generation Librarian on her dad's side, and her mother is descended
from an endless line of witches. She disappeared after her father
died. We always thought she was either a victim or the murderer.
I'm going to try and look into the records of his death and see if
I can learn anything.”

I nodded, biting my lip as I digested the
information. “Any idea how to find her?”

Sariah’s expression was a peculiar mix of
wry humor and wariness. “She's a gun for hire. I say we hire
her.”

“To do what?”

“To take out Peter, of course.”

My eyes widened, and I looked from my sister
to the Librarian and back. I knew in my head we would have to kill
Peter, and I could handle doing it in battle since it would be
self-defense. But I couldn't condone the idea of deliberately
trying to end another person's life. Gaia were all about the
preservation
of life. I couldn't sign off on this plan, but
I didn't have another. “But we still have to find her.”

“I think Xander knows a way.” Sariah
shrugged, as if I asked for minor details.

“Something tells me she doesn’t hang around
the mall unless she’s hunting for something. And I have a feeling
the folks of Hell Cats wouldn’t take kindly to her.”

“Well, then we’ll look for her. One way or
another, this will end.”

I nodded, my mind already lost in thought.
There had to be a way to end this other than hiring one loose
cannon to take out the other.”

IT TOOK ME another day to work up the nerve
to talk to Nate. We exchanged niceties in passing and chatted
comfortably when the four of us were together, but I avoided being
alone with him as much as possible. He didn’t seem to notice, or if
he did, he kept his opinions to himself. A lot needed to be said,
but I didn’t know where to begin. When I couldn’t wait any longer,
I asked him to walk with me in the gardens.

The sun sank towards the tree line as we
walked silently up the winding, grassy path until we came to a
little seating area. I perched on the edge of one of the chairs, my
ankles crossed and tucked under the chair.

Nate gave a weary sigh and sprawled on the
bench with his arm on the back, rubbing his chin with his hand. “So
is this the part where you tell me it’s been swell? It’s not you,
it’s me?”

I smiled and laughed. No matter how much had
happened between us, I still felt at home when we were together. I
didn’t know if the feeling was the spiritual bond Sariah mentioned
or the way we fit together like two spoons. But there were so many
unpleasant memories and hurt feelings we had to get out in the
open.

“I want us both to lay our cards on the
table. I need to know why, Nate. All of it. You had to know how
much you hurt me.”

“And I loved you so much more for how hard
you tried to keep it from me.” He smiled and took my hand, stroking
the back of it with his thumb.

I stared into those eyes and wished it was
enough. But it wasn’t, so I gave his hand a little squeeze and took
mine back. He closed his eyes a moment, his lips a hard line.

“When your parents died you were so strong,
Amelia.” He opened his eyes and met mine, the emotion made my bite
my lip. “I could feel how much pain you were in, and yet you held
yourself together. The urge to kiss you was overwhelming that day
we bonded in the garden. You were so beautiful and passionate. Your
father explained about the bond and the consequences, but I didn’t
care. It was selfish of me, and I hated myself for it.” He started
to reach towards me, but let his hand drop into his lap as his eyes
filled with sadness. His gaze strayed over the garden, the sunset,
the trees, anything but me. “As my life flowed out of me onto the
greenhouse floor, you poured it back in. And I realized I wasn’t
man enough for you. I couldn’t be with you because you were too
good for me.”

Tears brightened his eyes as he looked at me
like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I wanted to throw
my arms around him. But I didn’t reach out because all Gaia can
sense each other’s emotions when they touch— bonded or not—and I
wasn’t ready to let him off the hook. One of the reasons I’d been
able to hold it together so well in those dark times was the love
of the people surrounding me. However, as we bounced from town to
town and Nate drew further and further away, I’d found a well of
strength inside me. And maybe that was for the best, but I deserved
an explanation.

“I left to find myself, and all I found was
pain and loneliness. I wanted to come home to you and tell you
everything, but I simply couldn’t. You deserve the moon and the
stars, Lia. And I couldn’t even give you a whole man. That’s what I
wanted to tell you the day you threw me out. I was so close, but
too late. Only after I lost you did I realize what I had.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you Lia, I am. And if I
could take it back I would. But since I don’t have a time machine,
all I can ask is if there’s a chance you could forgive me?”

Shaking my head I asked, “Are you kidding
me? After everything you did, you think a sad song and dance is
going to fix it? You broke my heart, Nate, and it’s not that easy
to put it back together.”

“I know.”

“Pretty words don’t change what
you
did. What
you
said. And don’t try to tell me you didn’t get
some sick satisfaction from it.”

Nate shrugged, staring at me as if he
expected me to fix everything. But I hadn’t messed it up in the
first place.

“Are you even going to apologize for
that?”

Nate sighed impatiently. “I have, Lia. I’m
still trying to!”

“Not really. All I hear are a bunch of
excuses. You know what? I’m
not
a selfish person. I’m kind,
and giving. Maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve, but you know what?
I don’t think that’s a bad thing.” I stood looming over him and
letting him feel my pent up pain the only way I could—by raising my
voice. “I didn’t deserve to be ignored, I didn’t deserve to be
mistreated. You said you hated me and you
hit
me for
goodness sake!”

Nate sprang to his feet. “Hey, if you’d have
stayed out of the way, I would have just leveled the meddling
angel.”

“You can’t have it both ways, Nate. Either
you want me or you don’t. And if you don’t, which you clearly
didn’t, you can’t stop me from being with other men.”

“Don’t you think I know that?”

“Then stop tap dancing and contradicting
yourself. I want the truth! And if I don’t get it you’ll never get
me back.” I sat down, glaring at him.

He slumped back into his seat with a
defeated huff. “I’m a jerk. There’s no real other explanation. Is
that what you want to hear?”

“Not really, but it sounds truer than
anything else you’ve said.”

He put his face in his hands. It was hard to
tell in the deep shadows but I think his shoulders shook a little.
I sat in silence until he looked at me again. “I was stupid and
completely out of line, I know that. And I honestly don’t know why
I did it. Just kind of going with my impulses I guess.”

I bit the inside of my cheek, resisting the
urge to say anything. He was finally coming completely clean, and I
didn’t want to do anything to change that.

“It was so easy to let myself be swept along
by whatever crossed my path. I don’t know how long I would have
continued that way if it hadn’t happened this way. I was on
self-destruct. And I drug you into it with me.”

I nodded, but he just kept watching me. “Go
on.”

“At first I stayed away because I thought it
was better for you, I swear. But as time passed it was harder each
time I came back so I kept putting it off as long as I could. You
got so angry it was easier to push you away than deal with it.” He
shrugged. “Before I knew it, I’d pushed you right out the door.”
His lids slid shut as if they were too heavy to remain open a
second longer. “I deserve your wrath, Amelia, every bit of it. You
know what, you shouldn’t forgive. You should walk away and find
someone who can love you the way he should.”

“I just wanted to be with you and figure
this out together.”

He pressed his thumb and forefinger against
the tightly shut lids. When he looked up, I was surprised to see a
tear running down his cheek. “I messed up, Lia. I know. I was
arrogant and stupid and stubborn. I do want you to know that I’ve
changed. You’re far too amazing to walk away from. It’s taking all
the strength I have not to pull you into my arms and kiss you until
we’re both breathless. But that was never our problem.”

“I always felt so alive in your arms I never
wanted to be anywhere else.” A smile played at the corner of my
lips, but I refused to let it out.

“I didn’t mean to ruin what I had with you,
Lia.”

“But you ruined it anyway.” My voice was
quiet.

He reached out for my hand and I let him
take it, noticing again the strange blanket feeling as it seemed to
intensify then ebb. I wondered about it, if it was what was
effecting our bond or something else entirely. Nate’s sadness
radiated into me, and the golden shine of his love, like the sun
just beyond your peripheral vision. Not wanting to unfairly
influence my next question, I dropped his hand. “If we could be
free of the bond, completely free, would you want it?”

I expected him to be hurt, but I was
surprised when he pursed his lips in thought for a long moment and
nodded. “I think we should sever it. Then you can truly decide
whether to start over or walk away.” The shadows played across his
handsome features as he watched me.

I sighed. We had too much to deal with
between Peter and Diesel. I wasn’t going to let him off hook this
easily, but I needed to set the problem aside while we dealt with
more important things. “It won’t be starting over, Nate. I don’t
know if I can ever forget. But I might, in time, be able to
forgive. I think if we can get Broomhilda’s tool, we should sever
the bond. And we’ll go from there, let the pieces fall how they
will. You’re not starting from scratch, you’re even lower. But I’m
willing to let you try.” Nate smiled, but I held up my hand. “But
until the bond is severed, I need you to give me space and let me
figure things out. You’re not the only guy in the picture,
remember?” I was impressed when he didn’t even grimace at my
reference to Dylan.

“I’ll give you all the space you need. Thank
you for giving me another shot, Amelia.” He stood and kissed my
forehead before he walked off into the gloom.

I watched him go and wondered if I could
ever feel for him the way I used to. And a little voice whispered,
do you even want to?