Seduced by Pain (15 page)

I waited for
her to protest, to push me away again, but she surprised me by pushing my hand
harder against her instead.

As I stroked
the swelling flesh with one finger, I dipped my middle finger lower, into her
warm, wet center.

The first time
my finger entered her, the muscles of her pussy clenched tight, and a growl
formed in my chest as my cock pushed painfully against the confines of my
jeans.

In and out I
fucked her with my fingers, kissing her mouth and stroking her as the fire in
her body grew.

Her hips
moved, pushing against my hand, desperate for more. My cock strained against my
clothes, begging to be set free and be the more she needed and wanted.

"Derek,
oh God, Derek." Her breathless moans intensified my own need, and I pulled
up her shirt and sucked her hard nipple through her silk bra. She bucked, wet
and hot and needy at my touch.

"Derek, I
can't hold it in much longer."

"Let it
out, love. Let go."

"No, the
darkness will come too. I can't."

I squeezed her
nipple with my fingers, then used my teeth to bite her neck, leaving a light
tooth mark on her fare skin.

She dug her
nails into me, cutting through skin as she fought her own release.

"Let go,
love. I'm here."

Her hands
heated up, and I felt her power moving over my skin, looking for something to
devour.

I raised my
own shields against it, but it moved like smoke, sneaking in. My heartbeat
slowed and I knew I'd have to stop soon, but I wanted Rose to come for me
first.

My fingers
moved faster, pushing her to let go.

Just before
her body obeyed, she pushed me away and fell back, a scream torn from her
mouth.

I didn't reach
for her as dizziness swept over me.

She stared,
wide-eyed at me, her eyes still glossy from the near-orgasm. "You promised
you'd stop me."

"I was
about to. I swear. If you didn't come within a few seconds, I would have pulled
away. I was—am—fine, Rose. You didn't hurt me."

She scooted
next to me, her breathing returning to normal. "Truly? You're okay?"

I kissed her
fingers. "Truly, I am. Are you?"

She nodded. "I
think I learned something tonight, but I need to think about it. I can't do
anymore right now, but I need to be close to you. Can you just hold me for
awhile?"

I pulled her
into my arms and wrapped them around her, kissing her head. "My love, I'll
hold you forever."

O, when she's
angry, she is keen and shrewd!

She was a vixen
when she went to school;

And though she be
but little, she is fierce.

—William
Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream

Dear Diary,

It seems that life is about surrender, to recognize that we aren't in
control and surrender to the powers that be. This is perhaps the hardest lesson
for me. I struggle with letting go, with acknowledging that I can't dictate the
course of my own life. To step off that cliff and trust that I won't fall to my
death—that is the one thing I can't seem to do, and the one thing
everyone seems to be asking of me.

First, with the martial arts move that required letting go instead of
defending or attacking.

Now, Drake says I need to put away my sword.

How do I put away my sword when I'm being attacked? How do I shut off
my survival instincts long enough to do that?

I think I've found a way, but I'm so confused by what it means.

And by what it says about me.

OCEAN SAT CROSS-LEGGED
on her bed, and I
paced the room, trying to find words to say what I wanted to say.

She sighed
dramatically. "Just spit it out, will you? Before I get Sam in here to
pull it out of your mind."

My cheeks
burned with shame when I remembered that Sam could read minds. Had she already
read mine? Did she know what a freak I was?

"This
must be good, if you're turning into a turnip. Come on, Rose. I would never
judge you, just tell me."

If I couldn't
tell my very best friend, how was I going to ever talk to Derek about this? "Okay,
fine. Look. So. Um. Derek and I are experimenting, to see how far we can go.
And Drake said I needed to put away my sword. And—"

"—Wait,
what? What does Drake have to do with you fucking Derek? And aren't you
supposed to be putting away your fiancé's sword?"

"You're
so wrong. And oh, God, the sword thing never sounded dirty until now. Thanks.
No, see, he was saying I need to stop fighting the dark side of myself. And so
last night, Derek and I were fooling around, and—"

"—Oh
my, God, did you finally do the deed?" She squealed like a cheerleader,
and I scowled at her.

"—No,
now can I please finish?"

"Sorry.
Go on."

"So, we
were fooling around, and it was really amazing, and this heat built up in me
like I was going to die if I didn't let it go, but I was so scared that my
power would be unleashed. I could feel it escaping, looking for something to
feed on. Then… " I took a deep breath and reminded myself that Ocean would
never judge. She'd probably done worse. Way worse. "Then, he bit my
nipple, hard, and in that second, my power fizzed out or something. I don't
know what happened, but anytime he got a bit rough, to where it hurt a little,
I didn't feel like I was going to kill him. What do you think it means?"

"It means
you like it hard and dirty. Good for you. I knew you had a bad girl in there
somewhere. Other than that, though, I'm not sure. We need to talk to Father
Patrick."

Mortification.
Total and complete. "No freaking way. He's old. And male. And a priest. I
am so not telling him I like when my boyfriend—"

"—Fiancé."

"Fiancé
bites my nipples. I'd die."

"Rose,
you have to tell him. Otherwise, you'll never get to have an orgasm, and you'll
never know the pleasure of being fucked so hard you think you might break in
half."

My panties
dampened at that thought, and I cursed my libido for making me do this. "Fine.
But you're coming with me. And then, we're leaving this school and never coming
back again."

She jumped off
the bed and grabbed her shoes. "Sure, whatever prude girl."

We both sat in
wooden chairs in Father Patrick's office while he made us tea. He really liked
his tea.

Over his desk,
a crucifix hung on the wall, and I could have sworn Jesus was staring at me,
judging me for my dirty thoughts. I'd never been religious, and didn't feel
guilt for wanting sex, but liking the pain involved was another matter all
together.

The priest sat
the cups in front of us and took his own seat. "What can I do for you
ladies?"

I took a sip
of the tea, in hopes it would help. It didn't.

Stumbling all
over my words, I attempted to tell him what I'd told Ocean. "Hypothetically
speaking, if someone had a problem, and that problem seemed to get better when
certain other factors involved came to be, but those other factors weren't
standard protocol in this venture, what would you suggest?"

He looked at
me like I'd just spoken tongues. Or maybe he would have actually understood me
if that's what I'd done.

Ocean burst
out laughing, spitting tea across the desk. "Oh God, I'm so sorry."
She used her napkin to wipe off a Bible.

Great, my best
friend just spit on God's Holy Word. We were going to hell.

"What she's
trying to say, Father Patrick, is that as she and Derek fooled around, she
realized she likes being fucked hard and dirty and that pain actually
suppresses her dark side."

I slunk into
my chair while I waited for the lightning that was surely coming to strike us
both dead.

Ocean just
smiled. "Excuse my French, but I felt it best to just get it out there
plainly."

With my eyes
squeezed shut, I had no idea if Father Patrick had died from shock or was about
to splash Holy Water on us, but when he put his hand on mine, I peeked open one
eye, then the other.

No Holy Water,
at least.

"Rose, is
this true? Did physical pain help you pull your power back while you were
aroused?"

I nodded,
still afraid to speak.

He tapped his
chin with his index finger while muttering "interesting" over and
over.

"You're
not going to excommunicate me or something?"

He chuckled. "No.
First, you have to be a member of the church to be excommunicated properly. And
second, there's no shame in this. It's useful information that has confirmed a
theory I have. Now, before I tell you my thoughts, you have to promise to keep
an open mind."

When a priest
tells you to keep an open mind, you know it's going to be about the worst news
you've ever heard.

"Rose, I
think you are somehow in possession of a demonic power. I don't know how, or
why, but given where the souls end up, I suspected this, and now, what you've
said, confirms it."

My heart
stopped when he said 'demonic power.' My ears buzzed and my head exploded in pain.
I forced myself to listen as he kept talking.

"The
reason your power turned silent when there was pain is because it feeds off of
pain. By feeding it, you calmed it. I'd venture to say this is the answer to
your question about how to control it."

"So, you're
saying I'm a demon?"

"I don't
know what you are, but I'm saying you control a power only seen in demons."

I shuddered. "And,
if I engage in sex with my soon-to-be-husband… " I wanted to keep reminding
him that we intended to marry, so we could get some points in his theology. "…
Then we need to make it rough?"