Seeing Julia (22 page)

“Don’t do this to me. No! I don’t want to know why.” I pull out of his tightening grasp.

“Julia, I know it’s too soon.” He gets this anguished look. “And, it’s complicated, but I want to say.”

“Complicated? Too soon? To say what? There’s nothing to say. You’re just an employee of Evan’s company, my lawyer, and I’m just your client. You said so yourself, months ago.”

His rejection of me from our last encounter vehemently races to the surface. A mixture of pain and wrath take over.

“Nothing more.” I draw my hand across the horizon like a Blackjack player indicating
stand down
.

“I’m just an employee.” His eyes glint with anger. I step back further from him when I see it. “You’re right. You’re the chairman of Evan’s company and I work for
you
,” he says with a harsh laugh.

“You know what I mean,” I say, undone by his anger. “I shouldn’t have put it quite like that. But we have our roles to play, responsibilities. That’s it.” I do the
stand down
thing again.

He starts pacing. “I don’t see you acting like the chairman. So, exactly, what role are you going for? Seductive widow, maybe? And
save it
, I’m aware you’ve been seeing Alexandre Chantal.”

“What?” I ask, incredulous. “Seeing him? What?” Christian probably mentioned the lunch meeting a few weeks ago to Jake. But why does he care?
“We’re friends,” I say. “We had coffee together and met with Kimberley about doing PR for his family’s firm.”

“Right,” Jake says, shaking his head side-to-side. “I handle all the dealings with Hamilton Equities and you’ll handle Alexandre Chantal. That’s how it works? And, you’re too busy gallivanting around Paris and working on some PR cause to pay any attention to what’s really important, like being the Chairman of Hamilton Equities or the settling of Evan’s estate—your future and Reid’s. Just send me the money when you’re done, Jake. I’m working day and night to make it all work out for you and you could give a shit. Right, Julia? You just said it yourself. I’m just the hired help. I work for you.”

“He’s just a friend,” I say, on edge, all at once.

“He’s married.”

“We’re friends. Yes, he’s been getting a divorce from Eveline for two years, but he never does.” I start to laugh and Jake looks even more enraged. “Okay, we knew each other a few summers ago. After Bobby. That’s when Steph met Christian, Kimberley met Gregoire and I—”

“How nice you three were all paired off with a Chantal brother.”

“We saw each other for a while, a few years ago, but then, I found out about Eveline and ended it.” I look at Jake with defiance and watch this jealous rage cross his features. “He doesn’t
see
me. He never did.”

“Why should he see you, when you don’t see anyone else? God, you’re amazing. Evan’s been dead less than four months and you’re lining up your next conquest.”

“It’s not like that. I’ve seen him twice, since I’ve been here. We’re just friends.”

“Friends? Like we’re just friends? Because what was happening at my place in Amagansett was not about being
friends
.”

I recoil from him, when he says this, experiencing uncontrollable guilt and rage at the same time. “You turned me down.” My accusation cuts across both of us. “You said you wanted it
mean
something, but I was Evan’s wife and he was your best friend.” The words drip like acid: they sting, sear, and inflict incredible pain and lasting damage upon both of us.

“You weren’t ready, neither was I,” he says with a heavy sigh.

“What? Are you making up your mind for both of us, now?”

“No,” he says with uncertainty.

His obvious distress and sadness reach for me; I seem to splinter inside, all at once, as the heartbreak radiates outward from me.“You turned me down. What? Do you care about me, now? Make up your mind, Jake.” My taunting surprises him and myself.

He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. He just looks at me with this haunted expression and then a parade of emotions crosses his face: remorse, anguish, frustration. “God, you drive me insane,” he finally says.

“Likewise.” I succumb to insidious fury. It burns its way through me. “I didn’t ask you to work day and night on my behalf. I didn’t ask for any of this. But here you are judging me, my life, and the way I’m handling things, when you don’t even
know
me. And, you turned me down, so don’t criticize me because I’m moving on with it!”

My eyes begin to sting.
Don’t cry
.
There are no spectacular feelings left in being around him today.
I stomp away from him, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back.

“I turned you down for all the right reasons. And, I do know you, Julia. I do. I know you better than you know yourself.” Then, he looks at me with this pleading look. “But, when are you going to really see me?”

“What? What are you talking about? I see you; you’re standing right here.”

“You don’t even know who I am.” His anger flashes like a blinding light; I hold up my hand as if to shield myself from its intensity. “I don’t even know why I came here. I had a life. I moved on. And yet, here you are, standing there telling me I’m just an employee, just your lawyer, you’re just my client. Look at me, Julia. For once in your life, just look at me. If you could just see me, if you would trust me, this could all be different.”

“Trust
you? Trust you? I don’t even trust myself. I can’t even see myself. I’m broken, Jake. Why can’t you see that? I don’t want to ever feel heartbreak again. I don’t want to be close to anyone. This thing, whatever the hell it is that keeps happening between us, needs to end. I’m too broken to start over. I can’t do it.”

I start down the path again, determined to outrun him and whatever this is between us. Soon enough, he catches up to me again.

“Julia,” he drawls in that tantalizing accent of his.

Resolute, I shake off his tight hold on me and back away from him. “What do you want from me, Jake? I’ve got nothing left to give or be for you, for anyone.” I blink back tears in frustration and wipe at my face with the back of my hand.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He gets this pained expression. “It’s just … there’s a lot going on. Everywhere I turn, it’s fucking complicated, okay? And, you’re going to have to step up. Christian can’t run the company forever. The clients are getting more and more anxious over Evan’s death. With the market downturn, we’re just trying to keep it all running.
For you.
You can’t hide out in Paris forever, Mrs. Hamilton. You’re the chairman.”

I’m stung by his words.
This is all about the business to him.

Disillusionment overtakes me; the anger just drains away. I lean against a tree along the path and sink to the ground, feeling defenseless and undone. I close my eyes, trying to find balance, equilibrium of some kind.

“I just wanted to be lost for a while, so I didn’t have to run into anyone that knew my story or knew Evan.”

I open my eyes. Jake towers above me, breathing unsteady, just watching me. Eventually, he slides down the tree, sitting down next to me, our thighs practically touching.

“I just wanted to be lost,” I say again. “That’s all. Just lost. But the inner circle always finds me. If it’s not Kimberley, it’s Steph. Both of them propping me up, telling me everything is going to be okay. But it’s not.” I pause and try to catch my breath. “Evan’s dead and no matter what anyone does or says … he’s not ever coming back. It’s just like Bobby, all over again.” I look over at him, trying to make him understand. “Sure, things are complicated, but who cares? Why does it even matter?” I brush back a tear and try to control the pain making its way to the surface again. “I’m barely holding it together. I have nothing left, but … Reid. I’m alone, lonely.”

I stop talking and look away from him, cajoling myself to keep it together, but the anger surges inside for all of it and I aim it directly at him.

“I’m sorry running a God damn hedge fund wasn’t on my list of things I wanted to accomplish in life, neither was working at a PR firm or being a widow at twenty seven and raising a child by myself, but apparently life isn’t about getting what we want or even what we need.” I shake my head side-to-side overcome with desolation.

“Running a hedge fund wasn’t on my list of life wants, either,” he says. “I just wanted to be an attorney in a small town, get married, have a family, and a reasonable life. But I guess I don’t get to do that either.”

This conversation just got very dangerous. I can see it ignite in him as much as myself.

I get up and step back away from him. I give in to this prevailing need to hurt him in some way as if his feeling my pain will somehow take it away from me.

“Let’s stay away from the Hallmark stuff, shall we? I get enough of it with my counseling sessions. Go back to London or New York or wherever it is you’re going to be, Jake. Just let me know, so I can be someplace else.”

I race down the path in search of the safety of the chateau where Stephanie and Christian and Reid await me. I can hear him running up from behind me. Soon, his arms come around my waist and pull me to a hard stop.

“Julia,” he says in anguish.

I can barely breathe because of the tight hold he has on me and the way he’s just said my name. With willful determination, I free myself from his arms, but then, he bestows me with that hangdog expression of his, the one that can mend broken souls, maybe even mine, and would melt ice cream if it were within twenty-five feet of him right now.
Oh God.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “There are just some things you’re going to have to be involved in.” He grabs hold of my hand. “I had to make the decision to close London, decisions you should be making.”

“I thought you wanted to be in London,” I say in confusion.
Why are we talking about London?
“That’s why I held off on that decision.” I lift my head, defiant now. “See
?
I do pay attention sometimes.”

“The reason for going to London doesn’t exist anymore. I’m going home to New York.” He looks like he has more to say, but he hesitates and studies me. “What are you going to do?”

I sense this expectation in him as if his destiny depended upon how I answer, but I’m angry with him again because of what happened in Amagansett between us, because his problems seem so much simpler than mine, and because he’s never said where his relationship with Savannah Bennett really stands, and yet, he’s kissing my hand in hallways and generally wielding chaos throughout all of me whenever we’re together. I pull my hand from his.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my life has all but fallen apart. I’m just trying to keep it together on a day-by-day basis.”

He stares at me with this renewed intensity. For a moment, I lose myself in his blue-eyed gaze, turquoise today. I’m momentarily caught up in the spectacular moments of kissing him in Amagansett and when I look at him, I know he’s remembering the same thing. He reaches for me and begins stroking my jaw line with his exquisite fingers. I’ve missed what he’s said. “What?”

“Come home. Come back to New York, to Amagansett,” he drawls.

I pull out of his embrace recalling his rejection of me last time and wield all the pain that I still carry at him now.

“No. There’s nothing for me there.”

His anger reaches me from all sides. “Right,” he says with a bitter laugh. “You do what you want. You’re the boss. I’m just the hired help. Thanks for reminding me, Mrs. Hamilton.”

Jake takes off running and I just watch him go, assailed by this powerful sense of loss at his leaving.