Seized by Love (Love in Bloom: The Ryders, Book 1): Blue Ryder (23 page)

***

INSIDE LIZZIE’S HEAD a war was taking place, a battle between her undeniable love for Blue and her unwillingness to give up her convictions. She knew she shouldn’t have made love to him, knew it wouldn’t solve anything, but she’d needed to be in his arms again. And now, as his head tipped back against the wall and a sated smile graced his beautiful mouth, she didn’t regret it one bit.

“Lizzie,” he whispered. “I can’t stay away from you.”

Her entire body relaxed. She hadn’t lost him forever.
Thank God
. Did he know that everything he did and said had the power to slay or elate her? Did he realize that as badly as what he had said to her hurt it had also opened her eyes? Did he know she loved him more than she thought possible? That she couldn’t stay away from him, either? She should tell him all those things, but she didn’t want to talk, couldn’t afford to have another blowup about what she was doing with her life. She wanted—
needed
—to revel in their closeness for a while a longer.

“Can we pretend, for just five minutes, that this is our life? That this is where we are?” she pleaded.

His eyes closed, and she thought he was going to plunk her down on her feet and tell her she needed to grow up, but he tightened his arms around her, silently holding her and not asking for a damn thing.

“Let me draw you a bath,” he said sweetly.

A nagging reminder sounded off in the recesses of her mind. She needed to film her show tonight.

That could wait.

A bath sounded lovely.

Being with Blue was lovely.

I just want to pretend we’re okay for a little while longer
.

Blue led her into the bathroom, where he lit the candles that she kept on the windowsill and filled the bath with heavenly smelling bubbles. He touched her shoulder as he moved from one task to the next, smiling lovingly, without seeming to care that he was naked, his skin still slick from their lovemaking. He helped her into the tub.

“Be careful. Your knee might sting.”

He was still so caring, despite how hurt and upset he was, and that touched her deeply. She knew Sky was right, that despite her convictions, the webcast was a lot for a guy to accept. She held on to his hand and sank beneath the bubbles. When he stepped away, she tightened her grip. “Please stay?”

He sat on the edge of the tub and reached for a washcloth.

“With me.” She shifted her eyes to the tub. “Please?” She scooted forward, and he stepped in behind her, placing a leg on either side of her as she settled her back against his chest.

She’d never felt anything as luxurious as being loved by Blue.

“Lizzie,” he whispered against her ear, and then, as if he was at a loss for words, he kissed her shoulder.

Her heart tugged at the emotions winding around them.

He soaped the washcloth and gently bathed her arms. With one arm around her waist, he washed her shoulders, her breastbone, then passed the washcloth to his other hand to wash her breasts, her rib cage. He tended to her carefully, whispering about how much he loved her and how sorry he was. He trailed kisses along her shoulder, and when he stopped washing her and wrapped both arms around her waist, resting his head against her cheek, she heard him breathing deeply, as if he were so thankful for this time together.

She had the feeling neither of them knew where to go from here, and she didn’t want to break the spell of this closeness. She needed this, needed him. God, how long had she needed him? A year was a long time to fight her feelings, and she knew, as he turned her in his arms and gathered her in close, her knees pressed to her chest as he wrapped his arms around her, that she’d been doing just that. She had no fight left in her. It was exhausting to defend herself and exhausting trying not to feel and not to love. Almost as exhausting as living a lie.

“I’m so sorry, Lizzie. I know we don’t want to talk about it, but I hate what I said to you. I can’t claim that I’ve come to grips with what you do, but I will never again say anything hurtful. I want so badly to be part of your life. I just need to figure out how to get past all of this.”

She wanted to beg him to try, but she’d done enough of that already. He was being as honest as a person could be. Hadn’t he always been honest with her even before they’d started dating? Blue hid nothing from her. He gave, and gave, and gave some more.

“It’s okay,” she finally managed, feeling anything but okay. She didn’t know how to do this either. She’d never felt so much for anyone, and if there was one thing she was sure of, it was that she didn’t want those feelings to go away.

He kissed her temple and tightened his hold. “No, it’s not okay. My heart aches, Lizzie. I want to be a man who can step back and let everything roll off my back, but that’s just not who I am. But I’m willing to try. God, Lizzie. I love you so much. For you I’d do anything.”

“I don’t want you to be that man, Blue. I want you to be who you are, not someone who ignores his true feelings.” She rested her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him. “We’re at a crossroads, and I’m not sure which way to go.”

He held her until the water chilled and the bubbles dissipated; then he wrapped her in a towel and carefully dried her off before tending to himself. They dressed in silence, and then Blue reached for her again like it was the most natural thing in the world, despite the sadness that welled in his eyes. Lizzie didn’t want him to leave, and she knew what she was about to ask might be met with anger, but she had to try. He was obviously trying. He was trying so damn hard.

Within the safety of his arms, she said, “I have to tape my show tonight.”

She felt him hold his breath.

“Stay with me?” she asked, knowing he probably wouldn’t.

He drew back and gazed into her eyes with confusion and discomfort, and, miraculously, with undeniable love. “I don’t think I can. I’m not there yet.”

She nodded, feeling the sting of rejection all the way to her toes.

LIZZIE LEFT BLUE in the kitchen packing up his things and went down to the basement to tape her show. She stood at the bottom of the steps, eyes closed, arms wrapped around her middle, and contemplated running back upstairs—
Stay with me. I’ll stop making the videos. Just love me, Blue. Love me and let me love you
.

She opened her eyes and turned, catching a glimpse of Madison’s picture hanging on the wall. Her eyes shifted back to the stairs.
Two years, Blue. It’s only two more years
. A night was too hard for him. Two years would be impossible. She had to let him go. She was used to putting herself and her feelings last. This was just another thing she needed to do. She pulled her shoulders back despite the tears slipping down her cheeks and headed for the bathroom.

Fifteen minutes later, dressed in a pair of heels and her trusty apron, blond wig in place, thick frames perched on her nose, she stood in front of the computer and tried to fake a smile—and failed. With a groan, she tried again, pacing, trying to work off the nervous energy that was turning every nerve to ice. She didn’t feel sexy or seductive. She felt like she’d hurt the only man on earth who mattered. Forcing herself to look at Maddy’s picture again, she cleared her throat, pulled her shoulders back for the millionth time, and told herself that she could do anything for forty-five minutes or an hour.

One minute at a time.

She turned on the camera and did her best to turn the heat up in her voice.

“Have you missed your Naked Baker? Because I sure have missed you.”
I can do this. I can do this
.

She waved a hand over the baking supplies. “Today I have a special surprise just for you. We’re going to make nipple cupcakes.” She narrowed her eyes and winked at the camera, feeling sick to her stomach. “That’s right, just the right amount of frosting for you to settle that dirty little mouth of yours over and enjoy.”

Over the next few minutes she struggled to push the hurt and stress of the day to the side, to push past the love she and Blue had shared, the tenderness of his touch as he bathed her, the look in his eyes when she’d said she had to tape her show—
This is for Maddy. I can do this. I have to do this
—and she concentrated on doing what she’d been doing twice a week for what felt like forever. For better or for worse, this was her life.

***

BLUE STOOD AT the top of the stairs unable to tear himself away from the seductive voice traveling up from below. Even here, standing in Lizzie’s home and knowing that she was downstairs dressed in an apron, filming the show, he couldn’t reconcile that feigned seductive voice with the woman he loved. He didn’t know what drove him down the stairs—morbid curiosity or jealousy—but he walked down quietly, stopping when she came into view. He’d seen her on the video wearing the blonde wig and thick dark glasses, but it still shocked him to see her in the getup right there in person. The apron she wore outlined the swell of her breasts, wrapped around her hips, and barely covered her private parts. His gut clenched when she turned and he saw she was wearing a skin-colored thong that covered absolutely nothing.

He watched her in silence, taking in everything she said as she moved around the kitchen, removing one tray from the oven as she put another in, all the while narrating each step and dropping seductive lines like teaspoons of sugar. Blue couldn’t help but be mesmerized by her, because he wasn’t seeing the blond beauty everyone else saw, the woman who was working meticulously to perfect frosting on cupcakes. No, the woman he saw was the one who was hiding beneath the costume. The woman he held in his arms, and in his heart, who’d taken the time again tonight, when she was upset and worn out, to go to the cemetery to pay homage to people she didn’t know. The woman who, despite the way her life had been upended, despite the fact that it was almost midnight and she had to be exhausted, still came down here to film a show so her sister wouldn’t have student loans.

The woman he loved, admired, and worried about, in equal measure.

A part of him still felt the videos were demeaning. She was a strong, intelligent businesswoman, with radiance that lit up a room and a heart of gold. She was the woman who was making him question all the things he believed to be true about people and trust, loyalty and lies. All the things he believed to be true about himself. She was the woman he loved, and he wished there were some way he could help her achieve her financial goals without putting her in such a compromising position. But what he realized was that while he worried the videos were demeaning, she’d obviously been able to overcome that aspect for Maddy’s sake.

Didn’t he feel like a fool? He’d never known anyone who put others first the way she did.

Blue quietly retreated upstairs, not wanting to disrupt her. He gathered his things and drove home, trying to figure out how to reconcile the situation in his mind with the one in his heart.

FRIDAY WAS A blur. After getting up early and redecorating the cupcakes she’d made the night before so they no longer looked like giant nipples, Lizzie dropped them off at the homeless shelter before finally arriving at work late, nearly missing her supplier. She’d been too busy all afternoon to answer Blue’s calls, and if she were honest with herself, she also wasn’t ready to speak to him. She really
did
understand why he hadn’t stayed last night, even if she wished he wasn’t bothered by the webcast.

She was living a contradiction that she didn’t know how to remedy. Knowing she was doing something that he didn’t readily accept, something she felt ashamed of—even if thinly rimmed with pride for being able to take care of her own finances, and Maddy’s as well—warred with her unwillingness to refrain from doing it. And the whole situation left her feeling empty and lost.

But last night when she was in Blue’s arms, she’d felt full again. She’d felt
found
. She tried not to analyze the precarious position she’d put herself in, or the fact that she felt trapped by her own desires—teetering between the man she loved and the need to help her sister. She thought about calling Blue, but she knew she’d be too emotional to drive and talk, and it was already after four. She’d promised her parents she and Maddy would be there by six thirty, and she needed to haul her butt down to Harborside University if they had any hopes of making it on time. She grabbed her purse and locked up the shop.

“Taking off?”

She was startled by the sound of Blue’s voice, and her hand flew to her heart. Blue stood a few feet away, devilishly handsome, his eyes wavering between confident and tenuous.
I did that to him. I stole his confidence in us
. Her heart sank with the realization.

She let out a fast breath, unable to fall down that hole at the moment. “I have to get Maddy. I’m late.”

“I’ve been calling you all day.” His tone was thoughtful, not vengeful or upset, as he followed her out back to her car.

He was here, and last night, he’d been with her. It wasn’t his desire that was wavering, she realized. It was probably his trust, and that cut her even deeper.

“I know. I’m sorry. It’s been a crazy day, and it’s going to be crazy until I get Maddy dropped back at school tonight. She called earlier and said she can’t stay for the weekend after all because of some talent event at her friends’ bar or something.”

“Bar? She’s nineteen.”

Surprised by his concern, she tossed her purse in her car, noticing a sheen of purpose hovering in his eyes. “Yeah. I know. It’s a bar and restaurant. The Taproom, I think it’s called. They’re not serving drinks. She’s going just for the event itself.”

He touched her lower back, and his gaze turned thoughtful. “I was hoping we could talk. I’m sorry I didn’t stay last night.”

“It’s okay. I understand.” She tried to smile, but couldn’t muster it, even though she was already so much happier than she had been just a day ago. She was rushing and confused, and wanted so desperately to stay there and talk things through so they could move forward together and get back to that magical place they’d shared—but she was scared to death they might never get that far.