Selby Snaps (10 page)

In a few minutes, Selby was out of the tub and drying himself with a towel. Then he dried himself some more with Mrs Trifle’s hair dryer. Then he grabbed Dr Trifle’s toothbrush and brushed his teeth till they sparkled.

‘Hello, handsome,’ he said, looking in the mirror. ‘Anybody want a date?’

In seconds, Selby was across the street.

‘Hiya, Equity, baby. Here I am again — your dream dog. Have a look and get ready to fall in love.’

Selby turned around like a model in front of her.

‘Have a whiff,’ Selby said, putting his paw in front of her nose. ‘It’s called Evening Serenade. Isn’t that romantic?’

But Equity just put her head down again and closed her eyes.

‘That does it!’ Selby thought. ‘Forget this Mister-nice-smelling-pooch stuff, I’m going to teach her to talk the same way I learned to talk — by watching TV
.’

Selby looked around to make sure no one was listening.

‘Equity,’ he said. ‘Come here. Follow me.’

Equity opened her eyes and gave him a blank stare.

‘Come! Equity, come!’ Selby said, starting across the street. ‘Come here!’

Equity followed Selby across the street. He had one last look around before he opened the front door and let her in. Then he turned on the TV and put a tape in the video recorder.

‘This is
Hearthwam Heath,’
Selby said. ‘It’s really sad but you’ll love it. This is the bit I was watching when I suddenly realised I could
understand people-talk. And it’s going to work for you, too, because I know you’re a sensitive dog.’

Equity lay on the carpet while Selby watched his favourite part of
Hearthwarm Heath.
Finally they got to where Basil the Butler was supposed to send the orphan girl out into the snow.

‘This always gets to me,’ Selby thought as he wiped away a tear. ‘I wonder if Equity thinks it’s sad, too.’

Just then Selby heard Equity sniffle. She sniffled once, she sniffled twice and then she sniffled again.

‘It’s working!’ Selby said. ‘Equity! You must understand what’s going on! You must understand English now! You understand me now, don’t you? Equity, I love you. But don’t try to speak. It’s all too soon, darling. You can tell me that you love me later after you’ve practised talking for a while.’

Equity’s sniffle turned into a sniff. She got up and sniffed the air, then followed the smell to Selby’s bowl which was filled with Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits. In a second, she’d gobbled the lot. Selby looked on in disbelief.

‘Oh, no, you weren’t sad after all. You were just hungry. Oh, Equity! How can you stand those awful things?!’ Selby felt his feelings for Equity slipping away. ‘Selby, you’re being very very silly,’ he said to himself. ‘Tell me that she’ snot shallow. Tell me she’s not just a hairdo on legs.’

‘There’s something odd about Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said, later that day. ‘He smells different. I don’t know what it is. He even feels different when you pat him.’

‘I am different,’ Selby thought. ‘That’s the problem. I’m not a dog anymore. Not quite dog and not quite person. I wish I’d never learned to talk. If I was just a dog dog then maybe Equity would like me. Now I wish I’d never met her either. I’m just going to have to snap out of it and put her out of my mind.’

A minute later the doorbell rang. Mrs Trifle opened it and there was Karen looking a bit upset.

‘Equity’s gone missing,’ she said. ‘We’ve driven all around and we can’t find her.’

‘That’s terrible,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Don’t worry, she’ll turn up. She does have a collar with your phone number on it, doesn’t she?’

‘Yes, but I’m still worried,’ Karen said. ‘Oh, listen, I meant to ask you earlier, which is the best cable TV network to get?’ ‘I beg your pardon?’

‘We want to get cable TV. All we get is two TV stations and they’re kind of fuzzy.’

‘There’s no cable TV here,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Just two stations. If one gets too fuzzy we just turn to the other one. It’s simple. Life here really is quite simple.’ ‘Yes, I guess it is.’

Selby lay there thinking of Equity. ‘Mrs Trifle is right — she’ll probably turn up. But she’s a city dog. I don’t think she understands the country. And if she’s lost on Gumboot Mountain, she could be lost forever. I’d better go looking. And here I am trying to forget her!’

Selby headed down streets and across fields till he reached the woods near Gumboot Mountain. All the while he called her name and listened. ‘Equity! Equity! Come here!’

Finally he heard a distant bark.

‘That’s her bark!’ he thought. ‘I’d recognise it anywhere.’

Selby made his way through a valley until he found Equity standing on the other side of a muddy ditch. When she saw him, she wagged her tail furiously.

‘Come here!’ Selby said. ‘Come on!’

She started down into the ditch but stopped and looked up helplessly at Selby.

‘It’s just a little mud,’ Selby said. ‘Come on.’

Equity put her paw out onto the mud and then stepped back and barked at it.

‘Oh, for goodness’ sake,’ Selby said. ‘Here, I’ll help you.’

Selby stepped into the mud, sinking up to his belly.

‘Crumbs! This is deep.’

Selby struggled towards Equity. Suddenly, when he was halfway there, she leapt from her side and landed right in the middle of his back. In a second, he was up to his ears in the mud.

‘Hey! Get off me!’ he thought (but couldn’t say because his mouth was full of mud). ‘You’re drowning me!’

As quickly as she’d landed on him, Equity jumped off again to the other side of the ditch. Selby struggled back and lay there spitting out mud and gasping for breath.

‘Okay, okay,’ he said. ‘You got to the other side. That’s the important thing. Now let’s go home.’

Twenty minutes later Karen saw Equity and Selby walking down the street.

‘Equity!’ she cried. ‘You’re back! Oh, goodness! Look at your feet — they’re all muddy. Kevin! Bring a wet towel, quickly!’ Then Karen noticed the mud-covered Selby. ‘You did this, didn’t you?!’ she said. ‘You led her away!’

‘Give me a break,’ Selby thought. ‘I saved her life. So this is what I get for trying to help.’ ‘Hey, you, shoo!’ Kevin cried. ‘You’re filthy!’ Selby was about to go home. ‘He’s right,’ he thought. ‘I am a bit muddy.’ With this Selby shook himself, covering Kevin and Karen from head to foot in mud.

‘You disgusting dog!’ Karen screamed. ‘Get out of here!’

Selby smiled to himself as he pranced across the street. He knew that the mud that was left
in his fur would soon dry and he’d be himself again.

A week later Dr and Mrs Trifle and Selby watched as the removalists filled the van with Karen and Kevin’s furniture.

‘I don’t think they liked it here,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘Yes, I suspect that the simple life was just a bit too simple for them,’ Dr Trifle said.

Equity stopped as she was about to get into the car and looked over at Selby. And Selby looked at Equity. Then suddenly she wagged her tail. She got into the car and looked at him through the window.

‘She finally noticed me!’ Selby thought. ‘And now she’s going. This is a tragedy! This is a catastrophe!’

Selby watched Equity and Equity watched Selby as the car made its way down the street and finally disappeared around the corner.

‘Hang, on, what am I saying? It’s all very sad but, let’s face it, it had to end. She’s a lovely dog but she just isn’t the dog for a talking, thinking, feeling dog like me.’

‘See you later, Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We’re off to a play rehearsal for the afternoon so you’ll be here all by yourself. I hope that’s okay.’

‘Sometimes I think that you think Selby understands what you’re saying,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘You talk to him like he’s a person.’

‘Maybe he
does
understand me,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Pets know more than you think.’

‘Well in that case,’ Dr Trifle said, patting Selby, ‘we’ll be rehearsing with the Bogusville Stage–Stompers. We hope you have a delightful afternoon. Wish us luck because we haven’t learned our lines properly yet.’

‘Now who’s being silly?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Stop making fun of me and let’s go.’

‘Another whole afternoon to myself!’ Selby thought as they drove away and he turned on the TV. ‘And today there’s a Wrestling SuperStars Marathon! Oh boy, oh boy, hours and hours of wrestling!’

Selby quickly settled down to watch all his favourite wrestlers — Canvas-Back Calhoon, Alice ‘The Alligator’ Plimpton, and Bird-Brain Betty — who always whistled like a canary when she climbed into the ring.

‘This is great!’ Selby squealed as a referee was thrown into the audience.

Then Cannonball Calliber was shot into the ring from a cannon. And Leatherlungs Lazaro sang an opera song while Skullface Scott threw him around like a doll. As soon as he finished singing he suddenly got angry and fought back and won.

‘The whole thing is silly and they’re just pretending to fight,’ Selby thought, ‘but it’s soooo much fun to watch!’

Two hours later Selby was giggling away as Canvas-Back Calhoon’s mother jumped into
the ring and started hitting the referee on the head with her umbrella.

Then, suddenly, he felt a breeze.

‘Sister! My pipes have burst! Our house has completely flooded!’

The huge form of Aunt Jetty filled the doorway. With her were her two dreadful sons, Willy and Billy.

‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘She caught me watching TV! I’ll just lie here with my eyes closed.’

‘Sister?! Are you here?’ Aunt Jetty called, not noticing Selby. ‘No, I guess you’re not. Okay, boys, you stay here while I go back and deal with the plumber. I’m sure my sister will be back soon. Look at that: my silly sister seems to have left the TV on.’

‘Oh, goodie!’ Willy cried. ‘Look at the fighting!’

‘You kids be good,’ Aunt Jetty said, racing out the door. ‘I’ll be back as soon as I can.’

‘Oh, mate!’ Billy said. ‘Hey, look at that, Willy! The man is jumping on the other man!’