Selby Snaps (9 page)

‘Now what?’ he thought. ‘I guess I could go to the picnic. People usually give me good food there.’

Selby turned off the TV and glanced down at the map.

‘Hang on,’ he thought, making the arrow longer. ‘Hector said it would be a strong wind from the south. Oooops! There’s the long arrow that Dr Trifle mentioned. Oh, no! There’s going to be a spontaneous cyclone right here today! I’ve got to warn everyone.’

Selby snapped up the telephone in his paw and rang the police but there was no answer.

‘They’re at the picnic!’ he thought. ‘Everyone’s at the picnic!’

Selby dashed out the door and down the street. Soon he arrived at Bogusville Oval where a sea of people were sitting on blankets and eating. On the grandstand the Bogusville High School Band was playing the town song:
O Bogusville Lovely and Nice.

‘What am I going to do?’ Selby thought. ‘They won’t have a chance out here in the open! They’ll be picked up and blown away! The horror, the horror!’

Selby walked back and forth in a panic, wondering what to do, ignoring people who held out spring rolls and chicken legs for him to eat.

‘My secret doesn’t matter now. I’ll just yell out that there’s going to be a cyclone,’ he thought. ‘But, hang on! Nobody’s going to believe a weather forecast from a talking dog.’

Just then the music stopped.

‘I know,’ Selby thought, dashing under the platform.

While the band was leaving, Selby quietly pulled the microphone down through a gap in the boards.

‘May I have your attention, please,’ Selby said. Suddenly the crowd went quiet. ‘This is an emergency weather warning from … from the Emergency Weather Warning Agency. A cyclone is about to hit Bogusville.’

‘Who’s that?’ someone called out. ‘Where’s that voice coming from?’

‘I repeat,’ Selby continued. ‘A spontaneous cyclone like the one that hit Bogusville years ago is about to happen again.’

‘It’s a prank!’ someone yelled.

‘No, it’s not,’ Selby said. ‘Will you please gather up your things and go home in an orderly manner.’

There was total silence and Selby could see one of the band members following the microphone wire towards where he was hiding.

‘Forget the orderly fashion!’ Selby yelled. ‘Run for it!’

Suddenly there was screaming and yelling and the sound of thongs crushing party pies as the crowd tore away in all directions. And in a second, Selby was among them, running for home. By the time the Trifles got there, Selby was lying innocently on the floor.

Mrs Trifle quickly put the car in the garage as Dr Trifle brought in the table and chairs from the backyard. Everyone in the street was frantically getting ready for the cyclone.

‘I feel awful that I didn’t know there was going to be a cyclone,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘It’s so embarrassing that the warning had to come from the Emergency Weather Warning Agency,’ he added, studying the arrows on the map. ‘Look, it’s right there on the map! Somehow I didn’t notice that big arrow,’ Dr Trifle said, pointing to Selby’s
arrow. ‘With a strong wind from the north over there it changes everything. Of course there’s going to be a cyclone. Hmmm, that’s strange,’ Dr Trifle added in a mumble. ‘That’s at Sandy Creek. That’s Hector Pascal country.’

‘Strong wind
from the north?’
Selby thought. ‘Hector said it would be a strong wind
from the south,
not the north. Oh, no! I pointed the arrow in the wrong direction! There isn’t going to be a cyclone! I warned everyone for nothing! I ruined a perfectly good picnic! Why do I do these things? I always manage to get things wrong. Why do I try to do anything? Why do I bother even getting up in the morning?’

Dr and Mrs Trifle were now looking out the front window.

‘I have a confession to make,’ Dr Trifle said.

‘What is it, dear?’

‘I’ve never even heard of the Emergency Weather Warning Agency. Silly of me, isn’t it?’

‘I’m the silly one,’ Selby thought. ‘And I feel guilty — and terrible. I’d better just talk to the Trifles and explain everything.’

Selby stood next to the Trifles and was about to say, ‘All right, I’m the one who put the
upside down arrow on the map and this whole thing is my fault’. He had just opened his mouth when the sky darkened. Selby pressed his nose to the glass and watched as the neighbours dashed into their houses. A sudden roar of wind tore leaves from the trees and whistled through TV aerials making a deafening drone.

‘The cyclone has hit!’ Mrs Trifle screamed as a sausage roll smashed against the window.

‘So it has,’ Dr Trifle said, watching as the air filled up with lettuce, lamingtons, lemon slices and lollies. ‘It’s a good thing we got that warning because it looked like it hit right at the oval first. Think how many people would have been hurt!’

‘I can’t believe I was right!’ Selby thought. ‘Hector Pascal got it wrong and then I got what he said wrong too. This time two wrongs did make a right!’

To prove I’m not a fuddy-duddy
I think I’ll go round in the nuddy
‘You wouldn’t dare!’ I hear you scoff
Just wait, I’ll take my collar off
And there I’ll be for all to see
Just fuzzy wuzzy little me!

SELBY SMITTEN

A LOVE STORY IN SIX ACTS

‘She is
gorgeous!’
Selby thought as he pressed his nose to the window. ‘She’s the most beautiful dog I’ve ever seen. Such beautiful fur. Such a lovely face.’

‘The people who moved in across the street are going jogging with their dog,’ Mrs Trifle said to Dr Trifle. ‘Nice people, but they do seem a bit out of place here in Bogusville.’

‘Are you talking about the puppies?’ asked Dr Trifle, looking up from his breakfast.

‘What puppies? I’m talking about Karen and Kevin, our new neighbours.’

‘I’m sure you called them puppies the other day.’

‘No, no, I said
yuppies,
not puppies. Yuppies are people from the city who spend all their time working and who don’t have children. She came over to say hello yesterday.’

‘Did she?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Did she say what kind of work they do?’

‘They work at home — something to do with computers and money. One of those Internet things,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘She said that they moved here because life in the country is simple.’

‘Is it?’

‘Well she thought so. Then she asked me which cafe in Bogusville had the best cappuccinos.’

‘You mean those frothy little cups of coffee?’ Dr Trifle said.

‘Yes. She seemed surprised when I said there was only one cafe and they only had normal coffee. She also wanted to know which was the best gym and the best tennis club to join. I had to tell here that there weren’t any.’

‘I guess life here is more simple than in the city,’ Dr Trifle said, thoughtfully. ‘Speaking of puppies — I feel sorry for their dog.’

‘Equity is her name,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Why do you feel sorry for her?’

‘Equity, Equity, Equity,’ Selby thought, saying her name over and over in his head. ‘I’ll bet it’s the name of some ancient goddess. The goddess of beauty — or love. Oh Equity! Oh Equity! Oh Equity! I think I feel a poem coming on:

‘Her fur shines like the morning dew
It shimmers when she prances, too
It looks great from every angle
It’s loose and smooth and doesn’t ever
seem to tangle.’

‘She looks a bit lonely,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘She just lies around the front yard all day. I wonder if she’d get along with Selby.’

‘Oh, I hope so,’ Selby sighed. ‘My little heart is going to burst! I’m so in love I could faint. Or maybe I’ll swoon. Swooning sounds safer than fainting.’

As the joggers turned the corner at the end of the street the graceful dog turned her head, briefly.

‘She’s looking this way!’ Selby thought, fighting the urge to wave to her. ‘I wonder if she noticed me.’

Selby had visions of a glorious romance. Selby and Equity. Equity and Selby. He imagined himself scribbling their names on fences and drawing hearts around them.

‘I’ve got to make her fall in love with me,’ Selby thought. ‘Hmmm, how will I do it?’

The next morning Selby slowly crossed the street to where Equity lay with her head on her paws.

‘What if she can’t stand the sight of me?’ he thought. ‘What if I can’t get her to notice my inner qualities? What if she bites me? Oh, look at her. She’s even more beautiful close up. My thoughts are spinning around in my head! I can hardly focus my eyes! I’m in agony — but it’s wonderful. Here comes another poem:

‘Oh heart, oh heart, oh I’ve been smitten
If love’s a bite, then I’ve been
bitten I’m all confused and I’m in pain!
Hang on! I think it bit me on the brain!’

‘What’s the best thing about me?’ Selby wondered. ‘Well, I’m not the most handsome dog in the world — and I’m short. But I have a good personality. That’s it! Hmmm, how do I show her my personality? I know: I’ll teach her to talk and then I’ll tell her Gary Gaggs’ jokes and things like that.’

‘Equity?’ Selby said out loud. ‘Equity?’

Equity gave him a startled stare.

‘My name is Selby,’ Selby said, pointing to himself.

Equity blinked and then looked at him again.

‘Try to say “Selby",’ Selby went on. ‘Ssssssssssss. Put your teeth together and your tongue at the top of your mouth and then blow. Sssssssss, like that. Ssssssssseeeeellllllllby.’

Equity tilted her head this way and that but didn’t make a sound.

‘Sorry. Didn’t mean to confuse you,’ Selby said. ‘How about saying “great” Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!’

‘Grrrrrrrrrrr,’ Equity growled back, adding a couple of barks.

‘Okay, stay cool,’ Selby said. ‘Now try putting an “ate” on it. Grrrrrrrrrr-ate!’

‘Grrrrrrrrrr!’ Equity growled.

‘Hang on, this isn’t
anger,
it’s
English.
Say “Selby is grrrrrrrr-ate"!’

‘ Grrrrrrrrrr,’ Equity growled again.

‘This isn’t working.’

Selby was just wondering what to do next when he heard a voice behind him.

‘Kevin! Could you come here!’ Karen said.

Soon Kevin appeared.

‘What’s the problem?’

‘Equity was growling. I think this dog from across the street was bothering her.’

‘Bothering her?!’ Selby thought. ‘I wasn’t bothering her.’

‘She seems happy enough now,’ Kevin said.

‘Well maybe. But look at the state of him. He looks like he hasn’t had a bath for … for
days’

‘Days?’ Selby thought. ‘I haven’t had a bath for months — and I’m proud of it.’

‘And that fur looks like it’s never seen shampoo,’ Karen added, ‘or conditioner.’

‘He is a bit unkempt,’ Kevin agreed. ‘And he has doggy odour.’

‘I’ll bet he has fleas,’ Karen said.

‘Fleas? Really?’ Kevin said. ‘Then we can’t have him around Equity. If he comes here again
I think we’ll have to ask the Trifles to tie him up. Hey, you!’ he said, turning to Selby. ‘Shoo! Go home!’ Selby started back across the street. ‘Fleas? Doggy odour?’ he thought. ‘I’m a dog, for pity’s sake. What do they expect?’

The next day Selby stayed in the Trifles’ front yard moping.

‘Poor Equity,’ he thought. ‘She needs me but I’m not even allowed to go near her. Now I’ll never get her to fall in love with me.’

Selby let these thoughts spin around and around in his head the way thoughts often do and then, suddenly, they came to a screeching stop.

‘That’s it!’ he thought. ‘They don’t like me because they think I’m unkempt. I’m going to fix myself up. When I finish, I’ll be so
kempt
that they’ll want me around all the time. And,’ he added, as a smile flickered across his lips, ‘Equity won’t be able to resist me.’

Selby waited till the Trifles were out and filled the bathtub with warm water.

‘Sheeeesh,’ he thought. ‘I hate baths so this one’s for you, Equity. How about a little bubble action?’ he said, pouring bubble bath into the water.

Selby whipped off his collar and eased himself into the tub.

‘This isn’t so bad,’ he thought. ‘In fact, it’s kind of nice. Rub a dub dub, a dog in a tub,’ he sang as he grabbed the soap. ‘Wait! I should be using shampoo — and that conditioner stuff.’