Selby Snaps (4 page)

‘Oh how I love Mrs Trifle’s ChocoVan bikkies,’ Selby thought. ‘I can’t wait till she goes so I can have one.’

Dr Trifle took a little black plastic thing out of his pocket. It looked like a TV remote control but with a joystick in the middle.

‘While we’re waiting for Jetty I could show you my new toilet invention,’ he said.

‘The one that makes going to the toilet unnecessary?’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘That’s the one, the perfect toilet for busy people,’ Dr Trifle said, pushing the ON button on the controls.

Suddenly there was a whirring and beeping from down the hallway. Dr Trifle grabbed the joystick and pushed it forward.

Selby jumped to his feet as a toilet came tearing out of the bathroom, sped down the hall, and screeched to a stop outside the kitchen. Mrs Trifle jumped back.

‘What in heaven’s name is that?!’ she cried.

‘It’s my TOOT.’

‘What do you mean,
your
toot? That’s
our
toot only it’s got wheels on it.’

‘Well, yes, but you don’t understand. I call it my Transmigratory Orbital Orienting Toilet — T-O-O-T. It’s the world’s first travelling toot,’ Dr Trifle said proudly. ‘With this, you’ll never have to go to the toilet again because the toilet will come to you.’

‘How … interesting,’ Mrs Trifle said, still stunned by the TOOT. ‘But what’s it for?’

‘What’s any toilet for?’

‘Yes, I know that, but why a travelling toilet?’

‘Let’s say you’re watching TV but you’re busting to go to the loo. You push the controls and here it comes,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Or you’re having a dinner party and someone asks where the loo is. Then whiz, bang, screech and it’s here. Of course there are a few small matters that have to be worked out.’

‘Like the small matter of privacy,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘Privacy? Oh, yes, I see what you mean.’

‘And the small matter of plumbing. Where are the pipes?’

‘It doesn’t need pipes. There’s enough water in the back part for one good flush.’

‘Which will go all over the floor,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘along with … well, you know what. Now put it back the way it was. But don’t connect it up again, there isn’t time.’

Dr Trifle moved the joystick on the TOOT controls back and forth. The toilet did a quick
three-point turn in the loungeroom, sped off down the hall, and backed into the bathroom.

‘Good,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But we can’t wait for Jetty any longer. Let’s go.’

In a minute, Dr and Mrs Trifle had driven off towards town and Selby was eyeing the biscuits. He reached up and was about to grab one when he heard a voice.

‘Sister! Oi! Where
are
you?!’ it said.

Selby spun around to see the huge hulk of Aunt Jetty filling the doorway.

Selby froze.

Aunt Jetty froze too, and then pointed a finger at him.

‘You stay away from me!’ she cried. ‘One little nip from you and you’re dog meat!’

Selby and Aunt Jetty circled each other until he managed to slip out of the kitchen.

‘The woman’s a maniac!’ he thought. ‘One little bite on the bum and she thinks I’m an attack dog.’

‘Where are you, Sis?!’ Aunt Jetty called again. ‘Oh, yummo bummo,’ she added, noticing the biscuits. ‘I just love her ChocoVan bikkies.’

Jetty snatched one and popped it in her mouth. Before it was properly chewed she popped in another and then another.

‘She’s going to eat them all!’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘There’s only one left! Oh, please, just leave it for me.’

‘I
should
leave this last one,’ Aunt Jetty said, eyeing the last biscuit. ‘On second thoughts …’

The last biscuit flew from Aunt Jetty’s hand into her gaping mouth. In a second it was gone and she had opened the front door.

‘I forgot,’ she mumbled, turning back and heading down the hallway. ‘I’d better go to the little girl’s room before I leave.’

‘Uh-oh,’ Selby thought. ‘She doesn’t know the loo’s not connected! How can I warn her before she does her business and flushes?! I know,’ he thought, grabbing the TOOT controls and pushing the ON button. ‘I’ll move her outside.’

Selby pushed the joystick forward and heard an ear-piercing scream as Aunt Jetty, still sitting
on the toilet, shot out into the hallway, made a quick turn and then tore through the loungeroom and out the open door. Selby was about to stop the TOOT but then hesitated.

‘The front lawn isn’t such a good place,’ he thought. ‘Dr Trifle just watered it. Down the street there’s some bushland.’

Selby snapped the joystick even further forward and the screaming Aunt Jetty tore up the driveway and into the street. With a puff of smoke and the sound of skidding tyres, off she flew down the street sitting on the toilet.

‘I’d better ease off,’ Selby thought as he released the joystick, ‘or she’ll never make the turn into the bush.’

Selby let go of the joystick but the TOOT kept going. He wiggled the stick back and forth frantically only to have the controls spring apart in his paws.

‘Gulp,’ he thought. ‘This is suddenly sort of serious! If I don’t do something she’ll be killed! I might even feel guilty about it.’

Selby raced after the speeding toilet. People ran from their houses to see what the commotion was about.

‘Goodness me,’ an old man said. ‘I do believe I’ve just seen a dog chasing a woman sitting on a speeding what’s-it.’

‘She’s missed the turn-off!’ Selby thought as he ran faster and faster. ‘I’ve got to stop her before she gets to the highway or she’ll crash for sure!’

Little by little, Selby gained on Aunt Jetty. Then, just as she reached the highway, Selby grabbed the back of the TOOT and dragged his back paws to slow it down.

‘Yoooooouch! My paws are skidding!’ he thought. ‘I can’t slow it down! But maybe if I swing my weight to the side, I can turn it!’

Selby clung to the back of the TOOT, swinging his back legs to the side. The toilet
screeched around the corner and headed off down the highway.

‘If I keep it going straight,’ Selby thought, ‘sooner or later the battery will run down and it will stop. I’ll point it away from town.’

Sergeant Short and Constable Long sat in their police car at the side of the road drinking soft drinks and waiting for the Wacky Wheels vehicles to come by on their way to the finish line at the Fair.

‘It’s so peaceful out here,’ Constable Long said. ‘Much better than being at the Fair.’

‘Too right,’ Sergeant Short agreed. ‘Remember last year? All those lost kids and dodgem car prangs.’

‘And remember when the table collapsed and Melanie Mildew’s Eiffel Tower pav went all over the place?’ Constable Long added with a chuckle.

Suddenly a speck appeared in the rear-vision mirror.

‘Something’s coming up behind,’ Constable Long said. ‘And it’s coming up fast.’

‘What is it? A car?’ Sergeant Short asked.

‘I don’t think so.’

‘Could be one of the Wacky Wheels vehicles, then,’ Sergeant Short said.

‘Not unless it’s lost because it’s going in the wrong direction. The Wacky Wheels vehicles should be coming towards us.’

‘So what is it?’

‘It looks like a toot.’

‘A what?’

‘A toot. A latrine. A water closet — only with wheels.’

‘A water closet?’

‘Yes, you know, a privy. A commode. A comfort station,’ the constable said.

‘Will you please use a word I’ve heard before?’

‘It’s a toilet.’

‘A toilet? Are you telling me that there’s a toilet coming along the road all by itself?’

‘No, it’s not all by itself — there’s a woman sitting on it — and is she travelling! This is one fast toilet
and there’s a dog riding on the back.’

‘Constable, if this is your idea of a joke —’

Just then the TOOT tore by shaking the police car. The policemen sat there stunned.

‘I can’t believe it,’ Sergeant Short said. ‘A toilet with a woman riding it and a dog on the back just drove by. Now I’ve seen everything. Start the engine. I think we’d better pull her over.’

Constable Long started the engine.

‘Do we have a reason for pulling her over?’ he asked.

‘Yes — she’s speeding.’

‘I’ve never heard of a speed limit for a toilet,’ Constable Long said. ‘I’ve heard of having to go to the toilet in a hurry but I’ve never heard of a toilet in a hurry.’

‘Yes, thank you, Constable,’ Sergeant Short said. ‘Maybe it’s a
stolen
toilet.’

‘Has anyone reported a stolen toilet recently?’

‘No. Come to think of it, I can’t remember anyone
ever
reporting a stolen toilet. Hmmm. But she must be doing something wrong. You can’t just tear along on a toot without breaking the law.’

‘I’ve got it!’ Constable Long said. ‘She’s not wearing a seatbelt!’

‘Good one, Constable! After her!’

Selby was clinging to the button at the top of the toilet tank by one paw as the police car came alongside.

‘Pull over!’ Sergeant Short ordered.

Unfortunately Aunt Jetty was screaming so loudly that she didn’t hear him at first.

‘I said, pull over!’ the policeman yelled again.

‘I can’t stop!’ Aunt Jetty yelled back.

‘What did she say?’ Sergeant Short asked.

‘She said she can’t stop.’

‘I wonder what she means by that?’

‘Haven’t you ever been on a toilet and then the phone rings and you can’t —’

‘Constable Long! There’s no telephone ringing! She is disobeying an order from a police officer! Tell her to stop driving that dunny immediately!’

‘Pull over!’ Constable Long yelled, waving to Aunt Jetty.

‘I’ve got to get off this thing!’ Selby thought. ‘But we’re going too fast. Oh, no! What’s that up ahead?!’

Sure enough, speeding towards them in every imaginable wheeled contraption were the Wacky Wheels racers.

‘Look out!’ Aunt Jetty screamed. ‘Runaway dunnaway! — I mean, runny dunny! — I mean,
toilet coming through!’

Selby braced himself for a crash but, as he did, he accidentally pushed the button on the back of the TOOT sending a gush of water across the roadway. In a second there were racers crashing everywhere and wheels flying through the air.

‘I’m riding a dodgem dunny!’ Selby screamed in his brain.

Selby threw his weight to the side to miss a pile of drivers but the road was so wet that the TOOT swung all the way around then headed back towards town.