Selby Splits (11 page)

It was a beautiful, warm Christmas morning as Selby watched the Trifles unwrap their presents.

‘This one’s for you, Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said, opening it. ‘It’s one of those yummy plastic bones that tastes just like the Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits that you love so much.’

‘Oh, well,’ Selby thought. ‘It’s the thought that counts.’

‘And what’s this?’ Dr Trifle wondered, grabbing the last present from under the Christmas tree. ‘It says, “To Mrs Trifle, from Santa”. Here, you’d better open it.’

‘But who’s it from?’ Mrs Trifle asked, as she started to unwrap it. ‘I know, it’s from you, isn’t it, dear? Oh, look! A vase just like the one that got broken! You are so thoughtful. Thank you so much!’

‘I’m sorry, but it’s not from me,’ Dr Trifle said, admiring it.‘It really isn’t.’

‘Then who could it be from?’

‘The only person it could possibly be from,’ Dr Trifle said, ‘is Aunt Jetty. She must have finally found a vase like the one her boys broke.’

‘Yes, of course!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Isn’t she sweet. I take back everything I thought about her.’

‘She’s not a bad woman, your sister,’ Dr Trifle
said. ‘She’s really very thoughtful when she wants to be.’

‘Oh, no,’ Selby thought. ‘All that and who gets the credit?, Aunt Jetty!’ Selby looked at the warm smiles on the Trifles’ faces. ‘Oh, well,’ he thought.‘I guess Mrs Trifle was right —
giving
is the most important thing.’

O handsome me, 0 handsome me
Who needs a fancy pedigree?
I see my face in mirrored glass
And say, ‘now
there
is doggy class.’

now hang on! How can I be
hand
some
I‘Ve got no hands but only paws
A dog with hands would be quite
awesome
I guess the word for me is
paw
some.

‘Mirrors are strange things,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I’ve never really understood them.’

‘What’s to understand?’ asked Mrs Trifle.‘You look and you see yourself in them.’

‘That’s what’s so strange,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘You see yourself
in them
. You’re
in
them but you’re also
outside
them. It’s as if there are two of you. Sort of the real you and then … well, some kind of a ghost.’

‘A ghost! Sheeesh!’ sheeeshed Selby. ‘That gives me goosebumps.’

Dr Trifle poured another smelly chemical into his mixing bowl.

‘So what are you inventing this time, dear?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

‘You asked me to clean the bathroom mirror
before tonight’s party so I’ve invented a special mirror cleaner,’ Dr Trifle said, pouring the liquid into a spraying bottle and then scribbling on the label.

‘What’s wrong with the Quick ’n’ Streaky Window Cleaner we buy at the shops?’

‘That’s made for windows — and other glass things too — but my new KleerSparkle Kleener is just for mirrors. Let’s see if it works. I’ll try it out on the mirror in the workroom.’

Mrs Trifle and Selby followed Dr Trifle into Dr Trifle’s workroom. First Dr Trifle sprayed the big mirror with Quick ’n’ Streaky. Then he sprayed it with his new formula. But when he did, something strange happened. First there was a high-pitched noise that stopped as quickly as it began.

‘Ouch!’ Selby thought. ‘That hurt my ears! But the Trifles didn’t seem to hear it. It must have been one of those sounds that only dogs can hear.’

As Selby watched, the surface of the mirror seemed to move in and out very slowly. Suddenly the mirror became as clear as an open window.

‘Is that clean enough for you?’ Dr Trifle asked with a grin.

‘Goodness!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed.‘I feel like I could reach out and shake my own hand.’

‘It’s fantastic!’ Selby thought. ‘I already had goosebumps but now I’ve got goosebumps on my goosebumps! I can see every hair of my fur perfectly!’

‘I will sell my formula,’ Dr Trifle said, ‘and we will become fabulously wealthy and then we’ll give all the money to worthy causes.’

‘Better wait a few days before you start giving away the money you don’t have yet,’ Mrs Trifle warned. ‘Remember the disaster with your Breath-Away Miracle Window Cleaner?’

‘How could I forget?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘It went all cloudy after a couple of hours and you couldn’t see through the windows at all.’

‘Exactly. So lets leave it for a day or two before we get too excited.’

*  *  *

When the Trifles left the house to do some lastminute shopping for the party, Selby dashed into the workroom. The mirror was as clear as before.

‘Mirror, mirror on the wall,’ Selby said out loud. ‘Who’s the handsomest dog of all? I am! I am! Oh, you beautiful poochypie.’

Selby often kissed himself in the mirror but this time he gave himself a big doggy lick. And as he did he heard a faint
plop
sound as tiny ripples spread across the surface of the mirror like the waves from a pebble dropping in a pond. Then Selby felt his tongue touching another tongue!

‘Yuck!’ he screamed, jumping back.

Selby could see his mouth move in his reflection but his reflection didn’t jump back the way Selby had. His reflection just stood there with its paws on its hips.

‘This is impossible!’ Selby thought. ‘He’s not doing what I’m doing!’

Selby jumped up and down a couple of times while his reflection stood still. Finally, his reflection reached its paw out to the mirror.

Very slowly, Selby reached out towards his reflection. When his paw touched the mirror, once again there were ripples. Only this time, Selby’s paw went through the surface of the mirror.

Selby’s reflection grabbed his paw and jumped through to Selby’s side of the mirror.

‘Thanks,’ it said. ‘I thought I was stuck in there forever.’

‘You talked!’ cried Selby.

‘Well? So did you. Hey, it’s nice out here. Thanks, mate.’

Selby just stood there, numb, dumbfounded.

‘I’ve split,’ he said, looking in the mirror and not seeing either of them. ‘There’s two of me! I’ve multiplied! Or maybe I’ve been divided! Oh, no! Something terrible and mathematical has happened to me!’

‘Don’t be upset,’ Selby’s reflection said. ‘You just saved me from the most boring job in the world.’

‘But you can’t stay here,’ Selby said.

‘Why not?’

‘Because then I won’t have a reflection.’

‘What do you need a reflection for? Haven’t you admired yourself enough? All that kissing and licking — you do it all the time.’

‘That’s not the point. If people see that I don’t have a reflection then … then it’ll be weird. They’ll think I’m a vampire or something.’

‘What’s a vampire?’

‘It’s a bat person who sucks blood. They don’t have reflections.’

‘Sheeesh!’ Selby’s reflection said, looking around quickly.‘Are there any vampires here?’

‘No, they’re make-believe.’

‘Then what are you worried about? I’m never going back there again.’

Selby’s reflection grabbed the bottle of Quick ’n’ Streaky from the floor and sprayed the mirror.

‘What are you doing?’ Selby yelled.

The reflection tapped the mirror with its paw.

‘There, back to normal,’ it said.

‘But it’s not back to normal,’ Selby protested. ‘I still don’t have a reflection! Everyone has a reflection. It’s a part of them. I don’t. I’ve split.’

‘You can’t have everything, mate. And talking of splitting, I’m out of here.’

Selby raced after his reflection and found it in the kitchen opening the fridge.

‘What are those people like?’ it asked.

‘What people?’

‘The dude with the glasses and his wife, old curly locks.’

‘They’re my owners,’ Selby said. ‘They’re the most wonderful people in the world.’

‘Your
owners
? What are you, their slave or something?’

‘No, I’m a dog, a pet dog. The Trifles love me and look after me.’

‘Yeah, well that’s great. I’ll tell you what — nobody owns this dog.’

‘You’re not a dog,’ Selby said. ‘You’re just the reflection of a dog — of me. You’re the other part of me. The part that’s
supposed to stay in the mirror
!’

‘That was then and this is now,’ Selby’s reflection said, grabbing a platter from the fridge.

‘Hey, put those back!’ Selby said.

‘Why? What are they?’

‘They’re peanut prawns — prawns cooked in peanut sauce from The Spicy Onion Restaurant. They’re for the Council and Citizens’ Party tonight.’

‘Peanut prawns? Sounds terrible but we like them, do we?’

‘I don’t know about you but
I
do,’ Selby said, grabbing the platter.

‘Check this food,’ his reflection said. ‘Where do I start?’

Selby slammed the fridge door and stood in front of it.

‘You listen to me!’ he said. ‘There are a few things you don’t know about living outside mirrors! We can’t eat my owners’ food.’

‘Okay, okay, take it slow, Joe. Lighten up. The problem is that I’m hungry — very hungry. Like I’ve never eaten — ever. You’ve been filling your face since you were a pup.’

‘You can have some of my food,’ Selby said. ‘It’s down there in that bowl on the floor.’

Selby’s reflection bit into a Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuit and spat it out.

‘I can’t eat that stuff!’ it said. ‘It tastes like cardboard — not that I’ve ever eaten cardboard. Why can’t I have what’s in the fridge? Are these Fifles stingy or something? Boy, have they ever got you dancing to their tune.’

‘
Trifles
,’ Selby corrected his reflection. ‘Now listen to me.’

‘Aye, aye, admiral,’ his reflection said, saluting.

‘You’re going back in the mirror right now.’

‘No way.’

‘Yes, you are.’

‘Am not.’

‘Are so.’

‘Aren’t.’

‘Are.’

‘Aren’t.’

‘Are.’

‘Aren’t.’

‘Are.’

‘Aren’t.’

‘Are.’

‘Aren’t.’

‘Are.’

‘Aren’t.’

‘Are.’

‘Aren’t.’

‘Are.’

‘Aren’t.’

‘Are.’

It suddenly dawned on Selby that his reflection was exactly as stubborn as he was and that this could go on all day.

‘Okay, have it your way,’ Selby said. ‘But there’s one very important rule you have to learn.’

‘Shoot.’

‘We’re not allowed to talk when anyone’s around.’

‘First you want me to be a slave and now you want me to be a
silent
slave?’

‘The Trifles don’t know that I — we — can talk. Nobody knows. Nobody except Willy but nobody believes a word Willy says.’

‘They don’t know you can talk? Why not?’

‘Because it would shock them. Dogs can’t talk.’

‘What do you mean dogs can’t talk. You’re a dog and you can talk. I’m a dog and I can talk. Let’s vote on it — okay, everyone who thinks that dogs can talk put up a paw.’

Selby’s reflection put up its paw.

‘You don’t understand,’ Selby said. ‘I’m the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world.’

‘Far out!’

‘And remember that you’re me. That’s the only reason that you can talk.’

‘I’m not you.’

‘Yes, you are.’

‘No, I’m not.’

‘Are so,’ Selby said. ‘But I’m not going to argue. Point number one — if the Trifles knew I could talk they’d put me to work.’

‘Would they?’

‘Maybe not at first. But after a while they’d get used to me being a talking, reading and writing dog and then it would start. “Oh, Selby, would you mind making the beds while we’re out? You don’t have anything to do and we’re really busy. That’s a good dog.” And that would just be the beginning. Do you want to work?’

‘Me? Work?’ Selby’s reflection said. ‘Are you kidding?!’

‘Point two — if the word got around that there was a talking dog living here there would be people standing all around the house with cameras and binoculars trying to get a look at me. If I went to the loo in the bushes I’d have TV news camera crews filming me.’

‘So you could stay inside.’

‘And be trapped in the house for the rest of my life?’

‘It’s got to be better than being stuck in a mirror,’ Selby’s reflection said. ‘Is there a point three?’

‘Yes — dognappers.’

‘Dognappers?’

‘Dognappers. A talking dog would be worth squillions of dollars — maybe even grillions. I might be captured and held for ransom or sold to a very rich person to be kept in their private zoo.’

‘Could that really happen?’

‘It already did.’

‘How’d you get away?’

‘It’s too complicated to tell you right now. You’ll have to read the story “Selby Sold” in the book about me called
Selby Snaps!
’

‘There’s a book about you?’

‘There are a few.’

‘Who wrote them? Did you?’

‘Sort of,’ Selby said, seeing the Trifles arriving at the front door. ‘The Trifles are coming! Quick! Back in the mirror!’

‘
You
go,’ his reflection said.‘I’m staying here.’

‘Then at least hide!’ Selby whispered.

‘Where? I don’t know where to hide in this house. All I know is the workroom. And the bathroom and the bedroom — only where there are mirrors.’

‘Don’t you dare say a word to anyone!’ Selby whispered as he dived behind the lounge.

The Trifles came in carrying bags of groceries.

‘Hello, Selby, old thing,’ Mrs Trifle said as she patted Selby’s reflection. ‘My you look bright and happy today.’

‘Yes, he does, doesn’t he?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘He looks like a new dog.’

Selby watched from the crack between the lounge and a chair as his reflection wagged its tail and then sat down, putting his paw up for Dr Trifle to shake.

‘Look at this!’ Dr Trifle exclaimed. ‘Selby’s shaking hands! He hasn’t done that since he was a puppy! Good boy!’

Now the reflection put two paws up.

‘Goodness me,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘he’s begging. He’s never done that. It’s as though he has a split personality — one minute he won’t do the simplest trick and the next minute he’s
sitting up and begging. Give him something to eat, dear.’

Dr Trifle picked up a Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuit and threw it. The reflection caught it perfectly in its mouth, held it for a moment and then placed it gently on the floor.