Selby Splits (7 page)

‘I just love your little town!’ New York police officer Lieutenant Larry Laws said to Mrs Trifle. ‘I come here every year to relax.’

‘It’s not so relaxing when you live here,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But at least we don’t have as much crime as you do in New York City.’

Selby looked up from where he was lying.

‘This guy’s got to have the most exciting job in the world,’ he thought.‘I’d love to be a New York cop. All those car chases and blazing guns and screaming sirens. It must be sooooo much fun!’

‘Speaking of crime,’ the policeman said, turning to Dr Trifle. ‘You’re an inventor — I wonder if you could make a cam-collar.’

‘Don’t you mean a cam
corder
?’ Dr Trifle asked.

‘No, I mean a cam-
collar
— a mini TV camera that could be clipped to a dog’s collar. We could use it in our NYPDCC program.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘The New York Police Department Clever Cops program. Gone are the days of car chases and blazing guns and screaming sirens. Crims are getting smarter so these days we try to outwit them.’

‘It sounds a lot safer,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘Yes, but it’s not as much fun,’ Lieutenant Laws sighed. ‘I kind of miss a good car chase with blazing guns and screaming sirens. One thing we do now is use more dogs.’

‘What sort of dogs?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

‘Dogs like your Selby are very useful when they’re trained.’

‘Selby? Useful? Really?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I thought police dogs had to be fierce.’

‘Fierce schmierce. This guy’s a great judge of dog,’ Selby thought as he struggled not to smile. ‘What clever cops need are clever dogs — like me.’

‘The thing about Selby,’ Larry Laws said, ‘is that he’s sort of a
nothing
dog — just an average sort of dog that nobody notices.’

‘Hey, hang on,’ Selby thought.

‘We notice him,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘He’s not a nothing dog to us. We love him very much.’

‘I didn’t mean to be rude,’ the police officer said. ‘The point is that he’d be the perfect dog to tail a crim.’

‘To what a what?’

‘To tail a criminal — to shadow someone.’

‘Oh, you mean to
follow
someone,’ Dr Trifle said.

‘Exactly. Right now we’re after a woman called Barbara Bransky. “Babs” used to work in a bank. After she retired, they realised that she’d stolen one million dollars, just a little bit at a time.’

‘Why don’t you arrest her?’ Dr Trifle asked.

‘Because we can’t prove it. And we can’t find the money. She’s got it hidden. We think she’s about to get the money out of hiding and then leave the country but every time we try to follow her, she spots our tail.’

‘I see,’ Dr Trifle said, checking to see if there
were any spots on Selby’s tail. ‘So if you put this cam-collar on a dog and have the dog follow her then you could watch from a safe distance —’

‘Exactly!’ Larry Laws interrupted.‘When she locates the loot, we pounce. Do you think you could make a cam-collar?’

‘I think so,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I’ll also make a tiny ear-piece to go in the dog’s ear so that you could give him directions like “Stay!” and “Sit!” and things like that.’

‘Dr Trifle, you are one heck of an inventor!’ the policeman exclaimed.

For the rest of the day Dr Trifle hammered and sawed pieces of metal and then attached lots of pretty-coloured electrical bits. When he was finished, he spray-painted it to match Selby’s collar and clipped it on. He turned on the switch and then put the tiny ear-piece in Selby’s ear.

‘There you are, Larry,’ he said. ‘Let’s give this thing a go.’

Selby watched as Dr Trifle turned on a TV. Sure enough, the camera was looking at everything in front of Selby.

‘That’s fantastic!’ the police officer said.‘When I get back to New York we’ll start training a dog to use it.’

‘How will you do that?’ Dr Trifle asked.

‘I’m not sure. We could slip a dog biscuit in someone’s pocket for starters,’ the policeman said. ‘Then the dog would follow them. He’d have to be a dog that could follow directions.’

‘Why don’t we try it out on Selby?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

‘Oh, no, it would be far too tricky for an old dog like him,’ the policeman said. ‘You know the old saying,“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”.’

‘I could teach him a new trick or two,’ Selby thought.‘Why doesn’t he just give me a go?’

‘Why don’t we just give Selby a go,’ Mrs Trifle said.‘He might surprise us.’

And surprise him, Selby did. All day long Dr Trifle and Larry Laws watched as Selby followed one person after another through Bogusville. He kept well behind so he wouldn’t be noticed. Whenever the person stopped, Selby
would stop too. He listened on the ear-piece as Dr Trifle and Larry Laws said ‘Stay!’ and ‘Stop!’ but, of course, he knew exactly what he was doing.

‘This dog of yours is absolutely amazing!’ the policeman exclaimed. ‘He can follow directions even before we give them! Can I borrow him and take him to New York?’

‘Yes, okay,’ Mrs Trifle said.‘But we will worry about him.’

‘Don’t you worry your little heads,’ the police officer said.‘New York’s Clever Cops will take good care of him.’

‘Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!’ Selby thought. ‘This is it! I’m off to New York to be a clever dog for the Clever Cops!’

A few weeks later Selby found himself walking through the streets of New York City.

‘This is so exciting,’ Selby thought. ‘I’ve never seen such tall buildings! Wow!’

Ahead of him Babs Bransky weaved her way through the crowds. She kept looking back and every time she did, Selby stopped or hid behind something. On and on she went — crossing
streets and then crossing back, walking up an alley and then turning back.

In his ear-piece, Selby could hear the police officers.

‘This is it,’ Larry Laws said.‘Babs is going for the money this time. We know that she’s packed up the stuff in her apartment. I figure she’s ready to skip the country. But we’ll get her this time.’

‘Yeah, Larry, that Aussie dog of yours is doing a great job! He seems to know just what to do.’

‘That’s because we slipped a Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuit in Babs’ pocket. Apparently he loves them.’

‘That’ll be the day,’ Selby thought.

Selby watched as the woman stopped in front of an old building. She stood in the entrance, looking around. Suddenly, she turned and went in.

‘It’s in that building!’ he heard Larry Laws say.‘She’s got it hidden in there somewhere. Get a patrol car over there right away!’

‘I’ll have one there in about three minutes.’

‘Why so long?’

‘The closest car we have is on 42nd Street. They’re on their way.’

‘Tell them not to use the siren. I don’t want to scare Babs off.’

‘So what am I supposed to do?’ Selby thought.‘Maybe I’d better go in after her.’

Selby raced across the street and into the building. He looked around. The building was empty. He could hear the woman’s footsteps on the stairs above him. Very quietly, he made his way upwards until he could hear a door open.

‘This dog is incredible!’ he heard Larry Laws say. ‘He’s followed her all the way to the roof.
She must have a hiding place up there. This is going to make things easy.’

Selby waited a minute and then went through the door and out onto the roof. Sure enough, there was Babs Bransky prising the cover off a metal vent. One by one, she took out ten big wads of money.

‘That’s it!’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘That’s the million dollars!’

‘That’s it!’ Selby heard Larry Laws say.‘That’s the million dollars! Where’s that car?’

‘It’s stuck in traffic on 38th.’

‘But she’ll get away!’

‘So what am I supposed to do?’

‘I’ve got to do something to stall her,’ Selby thought.

The woman was picking up the first bundle of banknotes when Selby came up beside her. She turned around quickly.

‘Oh, it’s only a dog,’ she sighed. ‘You frightened me. What are you doing up here? Whose dog are you?, I wonder.’

The woman was about to start putting one of the bundles of money in a bag when Selby rubbed against her.

‘You want a pat, do you?’ she said sweetly. ‘Of course you do. Come here, sweetums.’

‘Look! She’s patting him!’ he heard the policeman say. ‘I hope she doesn’t notice the collar-cam.’

‘Me too,’ Selby thought.‘They’d better hurry up and get here.’

‘You’re a real sweetie,’ the woman said, giving Selby a big cuddle.‘I’d love to have a dog like you. They wouldn’t let me have one in my apartment. Now that I’m moving to the country, I think I’ll get a dog. How about you? Want to come with me? Of course not. You’re someone else’s dog and I’m sure they love you. And you love them too, don’t you, snookums?’

‘Where’s that car?!’ Selby heard Larry yell.

‘Keep your shirt on, boss. The guys’ll be there in two minutes.’

‘You heard the woman, she’s heading for the country! If she gets away with the money, it’s going to be your fault!’

Selby rubbed up against the woman. She seemed to forget about the money and patted him and cuddled him more. There was a sweetness to her voice as she told him about her
years of working at the bank, about living with her old mother until she died, about never being able to afford any of the things that she wanted, and about never being able to have a pet.

‘The poor woman,’ Selby thought as tears formed in his eyes. ‘She’s had such a terrible life and now it’s going to get worse. (
Sniff
.) She won’t get the money and she’ll go to jail. (
Sniff
.)’

‘The car is here,’ he heard the police officer say.

‘Tell them to wait at the entrance and nab her when she comes out,’ Larry Laws said.‘That stupid woman is still playing with the pooch. What a jerk!’

‘Hey, hang on,’ Selby thought. ‘She’s not a jerk. She’s lovely. And she likes me too. Okay, so she stole a few bucks. She’s still a nice person.’

The woman was still stroking Selby when he reached up with his paw and turned off the cam-collar.

The last thing he heard was, ‘Hey, we’re losing contact. She must have discov —’

‘Okay, Babs,’ Selby said.‘Time to go.’

The startled woman stepped back.

‘You’re a talking dog!’ she said. ‘I can’t believe it!’

‘You’d better believe it because it’s true.’

‘But I’ve never seen a talking dog before. What kind of dog
are
you?’

‘I’m an Australian dog but don’t worry about that. Just scoot.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I’m talking about you getting out of here quick-smart. Leave the money and run, Babs! The cops are waiting for you downstairs.’

‘How do you know that?’

‘I know a lot,’ Selby said. ‘And believe me, I know what I’m talking about.’

‘But I didn’t see them. Usually I see them following me.’

‘They’ve outsmarted you this time.’

‘So I’ll just leave the money and walk out. They can’t do anything because they didn’t see me with the money.’

‘Don’t try it. They’ve seen you already.’

‘How’d they do that?’

‘There’s a tiny TV camera on my collar,’ Selby said, showing it to her. ‘I’ve been
following you and they’ve been watching. But I like you. You’re sweet. I don’t want you to get caught, okay?’

The woman shook her head.

‘You are a clever dog,’ she said.‘So how do I get out of here without getting caught?’

‘Climb over that wall to the next roof and then go down the fire escape to the alley,’ Selby said.‘I’ll pretend I’m you and distract them.’

‘How will you pretend you’re me?’

‘I’ll put on your voice,’ Selby said, putting on the woman’s voice.

‘A talking dog that does impressions,’ the woman said. ‘Now I’ve seen everything. Okay, I’ll do what you say.’

‘Hurry!’

Selby watched as the woman reached for a packet of money.

‘And don’t you dare touch that money!’ Selby said.

‘Okay, okay,’ the woman said. ‘How about just ten dollars for a taxi?’

‘All righty but only ten.’

The woman shoved the money in her handbag.

‘Thank you, doggie,’ she said as she climbed over to the next roof.

Selby waited till she’d started down the fire escape and then called down the stairs.

‘Officers! It’s me, Babs!’ he said, using Babs’ voice.‘I give up! Come and get me!’

In an instant the police came rushing up. They burst through the door with guns drawn.

‘Freeze!’ they yelled. ‘Hey, she’s gone! Where’d she go?!’

The other police officer looked over the edge of the building.

‘Look! She’s down there! She got away again!’

‘But she didn’t get the money,’ the other police officer said.‘Look, it’s all here in these ten bundles,’ he said, counting them out. ‘One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, oops! That rascal! She made off with a bundle! She got away with one hundred thousand dollars!’

‘A hundred thousand smackeroos!’ Selby thought.‘That sneak! I let a sweet little old lady outsmart me! So much for Selby the clever, crime-fighting canine.’

‘Oooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaah!’ Selby screamed. ‘Shu-Kik-Shin! Shu-Kik-Shin! Kik! Kik! Kik!’

Selby’s feet flew out in all directions in a blur — like an ice-skater losing his balance. After a few seconds, he fell flat on his face on the floor.

‘This is supposed to be relaxing — but I’m exhausted!’ he thought as he looked at Mrs Trifle’s book,
Shu-Kik-Shin, The Warrior’s Ancient Art of Relaxation.
‘Maybe I’m not doing it right.’

Selby turned back to the front of the book.

‘Let’s start with
The Pose of the Reed
again.’

Selby put his paws on his hips like the woman in the picture. Then he swayed back and forth.

‘Simple dimple,’ he said, turning the page. ‘Now for
The Pose of the Poppy
.’

Selby put his front paws on his neck and stretched his head upwards.

One after another Selby moved through all of the poses.

‘So far, so good,’ he thought as he turned to the second last page. ‘Now for
The Pose of the Stick
. Back legs together, front legs up. Okay, head back, eyes closed, empty the mind. Empty the mind? How can I empty my mind? I can’t just stop thinking. When I close my eyes I think even
more
than I did with them open. What’s next?’

Selby turned to the last page.

‘
The Pose of the Stone
,’ Selby said, hunching down and curling up. ‘Now the power of the cosmos is supposed to flow through my body. I can’t feel any power flowing through anywhere. I just feel sore, that’s all. Okay, this is it — stand up, kick like crazy and scream.’

‘Ooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaah!’ Selby screamed. ‘Shu-Kik-Shin! Shu-Kik-Shin! Kik! Kik! Kik!’

‘Goodness! What was that noise?’ Mrs Trifle said, coming in the door followed by a young girl.

‘I didn’t hear anything,’ Prunella said. ‘Are you sure it wasn’t the wind?’

‘I guess it must have been, Prune,’ Mrs Trifle said, using Prunella Weedy’s nickname. ‘Have you brought your book with you?’

‘I’m sorry, I forgot,’ Prunella said.

‘Prunella! How do you expect me to help you with your reading when you keep forgetting your book?’

The girl suddenly burst into tears.

‘Prune, darling, you shouldn’t be this upset,’ Mrs Trifle said, putting her arm around the girl. ‘Is something bothering you?’

Prunella nodded. ‘There’s this girl at school who keeps picking on me.’

‘What girl?’

‘Chantelle-Anne Blande. She calls me “Zipper-mouth” because I’ve got bands on my teeth. And she calls me “Seedy Weedy”.’

‘Well that’s silly,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘There are lots of kids with bands on their teeth. And Weedy is a perfectly nice name. Just remember: “Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me”.’

‘She doesn’t just call me names. She makes fun of everything about me.’

‘Like what?’

‘I’m skinny and my knees are knobbly and my hair sticks out everywhere — not like hers — and my eyes are different colours and —’

‘She’s being silly. Have you told your teacher what’s happening?’

‘No, I don’t want to be a dobber,’ Prunella said, bursting into tears again. ‘I told Mum but she just says to ignore her. But how can I? She
keeps saying things about me. She says, “You have a face like a flower — a
cauli
flower.” And “Is that you, Zipper-mouth? Or is it someone imitating a stick-insect.” Things like “I see that you’ve got something on your mind today — ooops, sorry, it’s only your hat.”’

‘Those aren’t very funny,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘No, but it makes the kids laugh at me.’

‘Your mother is right — ignore her. If you ignore her long enough, she’ll stop.’

‘I just wish I could say things back. I’ve tried but I can never think of what to say. I looked up some funny insults on the Internet. There’s this comedy thing by Gary Gaggs, the comedian.’

‘Yes, I know Gary. He’s a friend of ours.’

‘Well he’s got these joke insults. But when Chantelle-Anne starts in on me I panic and forget them. All I can say is “I know you are but what am I!” and stuff like that. The kids only laugh more. I just feel like beating her up but I’ve never beaten anyone up before. Besides, she’s bigger than me.’

‘Beating her up is not the answer, Prunella. Don’t even think about it.’

‘I hate this Chantelle-Anne girl,’ Selby thought. ‘How could she be so cruel to poor old Prune? She’s such a sweet girl. She even saved my life one time.’

‘I’m scared to go out for recess,’ Prunella said. ‘What can I do?’

Suddenly Mrs Trifle noticed the book that lay open on the floor.

‘This could be your answer,’ she said.

‘Is it a book of insults?’

‘No, its a way that ancient warriors used to make themselves calm before a battle. If you’re really calm, nothing will bother you.’

‘Does it work?’

‘I don’t know. I’m only up to page four. Here, borrow it. See how you go.’

‘Hang on,’ Selby thought. ‘I was just making myself calm too! Oh, well, maybe itll work for her. But I reckon it would be much much better just to get that horrible Chantelle-Anne girl back. Thats what I’d do — if I could only think of how. Hmmm.’

For the next week Selby’s brain raced around in circles like racing cars on a speedway as he tried to think of a solution to Prunella’s problem.

‘If she could only remember Gary Gaggs’ insults,’ Selby thought. ‘But I know what she means about forgetting things when she panics.’

Suddenly, a light came on in Selby’s brain.

‘Dr Trifle’s cam-collar!’ he thought.‘The one I used in New York! It’s perfect!’

Selby searched through a box of Dr Trifle’s old inventions till he found the tiny device. He removed the tiny ear-piece and tiny microphone, putting the camera part back in the box. He grabbed the big microphone and turned it on.

‘Testing, one, two, three,’ he said. ‘Great! It still works perfectly!’

Selby put the device in an envelope marked ‘Prunella’ along with a note. He left it on Prunella’s doorstep just before the girl came home from school and then hid in the bushes across the street.

‘Good,’ he thought. ‘I can see her from here and she can’t see me.’

Selby watched as the girl opened the envelope. She read Selby’s note out loud.

‘“If you want to get back at that Chantelle-Anne girl, then pin the microphone to your shirt and put the ear-piece in your ear.” Hey! What’s going on here?’ she said looking around. ‘Who left this here?’

After a while, Prunella did as the note said.

‘Now to turn on my mike,’ he thought. ‘Hello, Prunella. Can you hear me?’

‘Yes, I can hear you. Who are you?’

‘This is Dr Trifle,’ Selby said, doing his perfect Dr Trifle imitation.

‘Where are you?’

‘Never mind about that, Prune. You and I are going to play a little trick on Chantelle-Anne.’

‘We are?’

‘We are. Mrs Trifle tells me that she’s been picking on you.’

‘All the time,’ Prunella said.

‘Well you and I are going to make her regret that she ever picked on you. Would you like that?’

‘Yes, of course,’ Prunella said, still looking around.

‘There’s one condition — nobody’s allowed to know about this, okay?’

‘If you say so. But why are you hiding, Dr Trifle?’

‘Never mind about that,’ Selby said.‘Tomorrow, before you go out for recess, pin the microphone on your shirt where it doesn’t show and put the ear thingy in your ear. Don’t let anyone see you do it. Then let Miss Smartytrousers say something and I’ll do the rest.’

‘But I don’t understand.’

‘You will, Prunella, you will.’

That evening when the Trifles had gone to bed, Selby booted up their computer and printed out the Funny Insults page of Gary Gaggs’ Gagg Bag web page.

The next day Selby hid in the bushes outside the school as the kids came out to play. He watched Prunella step nervously out the door.

‘Okay, Prunella,’ Selby said again. ‘Whatever happens, keep smiling.’

‘Here she comes now,’ Prunella whispered. ‘I’m scared.’

‘Don’t be.’

Selby watched as the bigger girl stood in Prunella’s way. The other kids gathered around to watch.

‘Well, well, well,’ Chantelle-Anne said. ‘Did anyone ever tell you that you’ve got a pretty little head? It sure is
pretty little
! Ha ha ha.’

Selby could hear the kids laughing. He quickly thumbed through Gary Gaggs’ funny insults.

‘That was pathetic, Prunella,’ he said.‘Tell her this: As a wit, you’re not half bad, Chantelle-Anne. In fact you’re a
half-wit
.’

Selby listened and watched as Prunella delivered the line perfectly, throwing back her head at the end of it and laughing. All the kids laughed along with her.

‘Good one, Prune,’ Selby said. ‘Now let’s see what she says.’

‘You’re so thin,’ Chantelle-Anne said, ‘it would take two of you to make a shadow.’

Again the kids laughed as Selby searched through his page.

‘That’s even more pathetic,’ he said. ‘Hang in there, Prunella. Here’s one: Excuse me,
Chantelle-Anne, but is that your head or is your neck blowing bubble gum?’

Once again Prunella said the line like a real comedian. This time the kids laughed even harder.

Chantelle-Anne’s smile began to fade as she said: ‘Yeah, well is that a pimple between your ears or is it your face?’

‘Pimple schmimple,’ Selby said. ‘She’s losing it. Hit her with this one — I used to think you were scatter-brained but now I know you don’t have enough brains to scatter.’

‘Oh yeah!’ Chantelle-Anne said angrily.‘And you’re so skinny you have to run around the shower to get wet!’

‘Keep smiling,’ Selby said. ‘You’re winning. Here you go: You know, Chantelle-Anne, if ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest girl alive.’

‘What? I don’t get it?’ Chantelle-Anne said.

‘She doesn’t get it, Dr Trifle.’

‘Who are you talking to, skinny minnie?’

‘Don’t talk to me!’ Selby said.‘Here’s one she’ll understand: Looks aren’t everything, Chantelle-Anne. In fact, in your case they aren’t
anything
!’

With this the kids roared with laughter and Chantelle-Anne was fuming.

‘Do you want to lose five kilos of ugly fat?’ she screamed.‘Then cut off your head!’

‘Hopeless,’ Selby mumbled. ‘Tell her this: You’ll go far, Chantelle-Anne — and the sooner the better.’

Suddenly a light rain began to fall. But no one seemed to notice. And so it was that a tiny raindrop made its way down into Prunella’s ear.

‘What’s that ugly growth on your neck?!’ Chantelle-Anne shouted. ‘Oh, sorry, it’s your head!’

‘Ridiculous,’ Selby said. ‘Hey, I’m enjoying this. Here’s one for her: The only way you’ll ever make up your mind is to put lipstick on your head.’

‘What?’

‘I said, the only way you’ll ever make up your mind is to put lipstick on your head.’

‘I can’t hear you,’ Prunella said again. ‘Something’s gone wrong.’

‘Oh, no,’ Selby thought. ‘The ear-piece has got rain in it. It’s not working! I can hear her but she can’t hear me!’

Selby watched as Chantelle-Anne started to smile again.

‘You’re so stupid you’d stay up all night studying for a blood test,’ Chantelle-Anne said.

Panic spread across Prunella’s face.

‘That’s what
you
think!’ she snapped.

‘Prunella, no! Just walk away! Don’t say things like that! Oh, no, she still can’t hear me!’

‘You know why things go in one of your ears and out the other, Zipper-mouth?’ Chantelle-Anne said.‘Because there’s nothing to slow them down! Ha ha ha. But you do have a soft heart. Unfortunately you’ve got a soft
head
to match. Ha ha ha! I’ll bet you sing like a nightingale. You certainly have a
bird
brain! Ha ha ha!’

‘Walk away, Prunella! She’s killing you!’

Selby watched in horror as Prunella suddenly put her hands on her hips and started swaying in the wind. The kids fell silent and watched. So did Chantelle-Anne.

‘She’s doing
The Pose of the Reed
!’ Selby thought. ‘She’s trying to calm herself down! Now they’ll really laugh at her! What’s she doing now?’

Selby watched as Prunella did
The Pose of the Poppy
and then all the other poses from Mrs Trifle’s book. By the time she got to
The Pose of the Stick
and, finally,
The Pose of the Stone
, the kids were laughing their heads off.