“I just needed some air. You know me.” She waved it off and swayed. “An emotional breakdown waiting to happen.”
Her self-deprecating laugh didn’t make me feel any better. I reached out, feeling the need to steady her, but she flinched when my hand made contact. Okay. She didn’t want to be touched. Fine by me.
Self-preservation said to walk away, but a voice inside my head screamed to do something. It was Matt demanding I be more than some puppet on a string. I followed her line of sight and moved in front of it, forcing eye contact. “Did someone hurt you?”
“It doesn’t matter.” There was a hitch in her breath and those hands would not stop tugging and tugging at her sleeves.
“Well, isn’t this sweet.”
The slur cut across the yard before I could answer.
Fear flashed in Lindsay’s eyes, and I spun around to see Blake a couple of feet from us, his fists clenched.
I approached Blake slowly and watched his shoulders in case he decided to use that closed hand on my face. “I was just walking by.”
The fire in his eyes could have set off a massive explosion. He pushed me aside and turned his accusing gaze to Lindsay. “I told you to leave. You gave up your right to come here the minute you asked for space.” The hatred in his tone drained all the color from Lindsay’s face. “You don’t look at my friends. You don’t talk to them. You wanted out. You’re out.”
She wrapped her arms around her torso as if she could shield herself from the world. She didn’t turn away or respond. It was as if invisible chains held her stationary. Chains that only Blake seemed to hold the keys to.
“Let’s just go.” I grabbed his arm and attempted to pull him away from her.
His anger swung from Lindsay to me. He grabbed my shirt, and the smell of alcohol stung my nostrils. “You better stop trying to take everything that’s mine.”
I pushed at his iron grip. “You’re crazy.”
“Am I? You’re supposed to be my teammate. My friend.”
My insides boiled, while my face stayed a mask of steel, refusing to justify Blake’s jealous tirade with a reaction. People around us whispered, their stares darts of accusation. Blake’s performance was Oscar worthy.
He dropped his hands, and I backed away. With a quick look to my right, I saw that Lindsay had left. Now, I could too. “You’re drunk, Blake. I’ll talk to you when you can walk a straight line.”
“Don’t you walk away from me!” he hissed, but I did, pushing through the sea of bodies surrounding us. “I made you! You hear me? You’re nothing without me!”
My feet sped up. I needed to escape before I did or said something stupid.
He didn’t make me. I made me. I buried Fatty James!
My truck was sandwiched between an Acadia and a two-ton Ford, so I didn’t see Lindsay leaning against my driver’s side door until I rounded the corner. The urge to punch the side panel and scream, “Why me?” was consuming.
“I’m so sorry, Cody. I didn’t mean to put you in that situation. No wonder everyone hates me now.” Her voice was a mixture of exhaustion and sadness.
“Stop apologizing. I’m not mad at you.” I was mad at the world. I was mad that my easy senior year was turning into a nightmare. I’d been here before. Tom’s ex. That day in the locker room. It all happened because I couldn’t walk away.
“Do you have a ride?” Even as I asked the question, I knew it meant trouble. This wasn’t allowed, being alone with Blake’s girl—former or not.
“I came with Jill.”
Jill wasn’t getting anywhere near a car. “Come on, I’ll drive you home.” I could almost see the rope being tied for my inevitable hanging.
She eyed the crowd watching our conversation like people staring at the scene of an accident. They wouldn’t be too far off base. “That’s probably not a good idea.”
“No, it’s not, but I’m doing it anyway.”
I opened the truck door for her and slammed it hard after she was seated. Looking back at the house once more, I slid into the driver’s seat. I wouldn’t allow myself to consider tomorrow. At least not until I could fully breathe.
Rounding the final curve out of Chugger’s yard, I turned on the radio, hoping it would drown out the heavy roar of unanswered questions. My truck blazed a good fifteen miles above the speed limit with the glow of the full moon the only light besides my brights. I needed the speed, and cops wouldn’t be a factor until I hit the highway back into town.
“I’m not a slut,” Lindsay said out of nowhere. “I know that’s what people are saying, but I’m not. Blake’s the only one I’ve ever been with.”
“You don’t have to explain it to me.”
Please don’t explain it to me.
“I shouldn’t have come. I knew it was a mistake and did it anyway. I just thought, with Skylar and him dating…” She squeezed her eyes closed and clenched her teeth like she was delivering a punishment to herself. “He’s been telling people I cheated on him. I didn’t.”
“Okay.” I prayed she’d end the conversation there. The hole I stumbled into was already twelve feet deep, and each word heaped another bucketful of dirt on top of me.
“You probably think I’m a coward for not saying anything. For not standing up for myself.”
I felt her waiting gaze even though my eyes were locked on the road ahead. I had no intention of ridiculing her for doing the same thing I was doing. “I’m not here to judge. I just want to get you home.”
“This summer we had a scare.” Her voice cracked. “I was two weeks late.”
“Lindsay, you don’t have to tell me this.”
She continued as if I hadn’t said a word. “All I could think of was that I was trapped. And the idea of being with him for the rest of my life scared me more than walking away. When the test was negative, I knew I had to separate myself from him somehow.”
She exhaled slowly. “The scare affected him too, so he was okay when I said I needed some time to myself. After a week of distance, I grew stronger. Soon a week turned into a month, and I thought for a few glorious days, I might really be free.”
“And that’s what you want isn’t it?”
“It doesn’t matter what I want. He still watches me. Calls me. Demands to know where I am and who I’m with.” She hung her head and whispered, “He still controls me.” With those words, she finally quit talking and stared out the window.
Her two-story brick house came into view, and I pulled into her driveway before the silence grew any more awkward. She opened the door and slipped out. “Thanks for listening, Cody. I know I dumped the world on you. I guess I just needed a friend tonight.”
I dipped my chin, and seconds later she was safely inside, but the chaos inside lingered.
He still controls me
.
The streets were quiet as I drove home, but the song Skylar sent me blared through my speakers. I pictured Lindsay standing in the field, refusing to fight Blake’s words.
He still controls me.
I’d played the game for years. Was willing to sacrifice my reputation, my pride and my conviction just to stay in line. To stand there like Lindsay while Blake called all the shots. But maybe freedom was possible. Maybe I just needed to be smarter than the king of Madison.
He still controls me.
I hit repeat on the song.
Not anymore.
I
woke up
to my cell phone ringing with a number I’d added only a week ago.
“Blake?” My voice was hoarse with sleep and surprise. “It’s two in the morning.”
“I know. Sooo sorry. I just…I just needed to talk.”
I recognized the slur in his soft murmur. Ricky would come to our house sounding just like that after a long night of drinking. My father would make him coffee and listen to all his sad stories. I’d listen, too, through my cracked bedroom door. The stories always seemed to revolve around a woman.
“Is something wrong?” I sat up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes.
“Yes. I feeeel…lost.” He sounded barely coherent. “You go…sleep. Bad to call.”
“No, it’s fine. Really.” I switched on the side lamp and let my vision adjust to the light. “Did something happen?”
“You’re sooooo pretty. Especially your lips. I like your lips.” A long silence followed. “But I don’t like Cody looking at them.”
His name brought a familiar twisting in my stomach. I swallowed.
Blake muttered a curse. “He takes everything.”
I was about to ask for more details when he cut me off, his voice suddenly deep and thoughtful. “Nobody really cares about me. They just want to use me. They take…take…take.”
His words tugged at a buried memory. To my tenth birthday when a girl from my neighborhood secretly took pictures of me hugging the band’s drummer, Raif, after I opened my present. He was in the middle of a custody battle, and when those pictures showed up in the
Enquirer
looking provocative, his ex-wife used to them to imply he was a danger to children. It took six months to get his rights back. The girl made $5000 on that picture.
“Maybe you can’t see the way people admire you here, but I can see it. You have some really great friends.” And in my world those weren’t easy to come by.
“Not my dad. It’s just never enough for him.” His voice trailed off.
My dad always referred to Ricky’s crying spells as “drunk honesty.” And right now, Blake was swimming in that kind of raw honesty.
“I love her.” He mumbled, sounding half asleep. “Cody won’t take her too.”
“Take who?” He had to be talking about Lindsay. But why would Cody want Lindsay? I squeezed a pillow to my chest. Why couldn’t anyone just tell me what was going on? “Blake?”
But only steady breathing answered.
My screen flashed back to the menu like the call never happened. And I wished it hadn’t. A million questions buzzed in my head, and every one of them had to do with Cody.
T
he smell of
rubber and sweat greeted me the moment I walked into The Storm on Monday morning. This place had been my home for almost two years and yet marching to the gallows would be less terrifying. Two weeks had passed since Matt threw me out, and part of me wondered if he’d calmed down yet. Or if my absence made him regret ever taking a chance on me.
I spotted him watching two guys grappling inside the farthest ring. Hand on his chin, his eyes were locked on the match, no doubt analyzing their moves and strengths. Matt was always calculating strategy and gauging improvement. It’s why he was the best. Why every time I wrestled him, I left a stronger fighter.
He ignored me when I invaded the space to his right. I deserved the silence, but it still stung. I assessed the guys in the ring: their height, their weight, their focus. The larger one was black as midnight and towered over his quick-footed opponent. But he was struggling and soon was stuck using sheer strength to stay off the rubber.
“He dropped his left shoulder too soon,” I said. Only a raised eyebrow from Matt, but finally, an acknowledgement. “His foot placement was also sloppy. He used way more energy than necessary just to balance.”
When the corner of Matt’s mouth lifted, pride swelled in my chest like air filling a balloon. “Very good. How’s your sunburn?”
I raked a hand through my hair and gripped the back of my neck, wishing I could erase my stupidity. “It’s all healed.”
“Should be after two weeks.” His words were edged in disappointment and judgment. Both of which I’d earned.
My pulse raced in my wrist, my fingers moving in and out of a fist to settle the slight tremble. “I wanna come back and train.”
Matt slid his arms across his chest, a motion that had his forearm flexing. His face was a mask of indifference. Watching. Analyzing. Just like with the guys in the ring. “I thought you said you were just coasting the rest of the year.”
I did say that. And he had every right to kick me out.
“I’m sorry,” I said, but he didn’t respond. I planted my feet. I didn’t care if I had to stand there all day. I wouldn’t let one careless morning overshadow how hard I’d worked. “Sorry for my attitude and for my mouth. I had no right to speak to you so disrespectfully. I let the pressure get to me.”
We stared at each other for what seemed like a century. Matt held his body like a stone carving. “And who are you training for?”
“Me. Just me. I want to prove my worth as captain and win.” Win state and my freedom.
He stepped forward. “The coach didn’t choose you for captain because you won a bunch of trophies last year. He chose you because he saw something in here that mattered to the team.” A stiff finger poked at my chest. “Character.”
He was wrong. I’d spent the last year compromising everything about myself. But maybe one day he would be right.
“Are you still hanging out with those friends of yours? The ones who like to skip school and break the law?”
I stared at the fighters taping their fingers. The answer was yes, but I wanted it to be no. I just needed time.
Matt sighed and moved toward the ring.
“It will be different this time,” I promised in a rush. “I’ll make sure it’s different.”
The cold expression slid off Matt’s face and his tone softened. “Cody, you can’t have your feet in two different houses. If you try, it’s going to rip you in half.” He stepped past me but didn’t walk away. “Get in the ring and start stretching. I’ve had weeks to come up with new ways to torture you, and today’s gonna hurt.”
Relief unraveled the knots in my stomach. He was giving me a second chance.
B
lake waited by
my locker on Monday and covered his face when I approached. “Please tell me the five minute conversation I noticed on my phone this morning was me talking to your answering machine.” He peeked through spread fingers.
I bit my lip and shook my head.
His hands dropped. “How embarrassed should I feel?”
“You shouldn’t. It really was fine.” I concentrated on turning the dial instead of glimpsing around Blake to watch Jill in her short denim skirt hanging all over Cody. Her brown hair was combed into a side braid, and I was sure she used a half pint of foundation on her face. I’d spent all weekend telling myself to forget him. That he was every bit the player Zoe said he was.