Seriously... I'm Kidding (16 page)

I’m very proud to be a woman. I’ve been one my whole life. And I know that without the amazing and inspiring women who came before me, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I grew up admiring strong, funny women like Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett. Barbara Walters, Diane Sawyer, and Oprah Winfrey paved the way for me to be doing exactly what I’m doing. Oprah paved the way with actual gold because she had some left over from when she paved her driveway.

And now that I have my own show on television I feel a sense of responsibility to follow in their footsteps and have a positive influence on the young girls and women who watch me every day. That’s why I keep things light and upbeat and it’s why I try to have powerful and influential women on my show to serve as examples for the people at home. I love having women like Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton on my show. I also love having regular, everyday women on my show with inspiring stories about their personal journeys. And one time I had a woman on who could bend over backward and put a hat on her head using only her feet. If that’s not inspiring, I don’t know what is.

My show is targeted to women. I know men watch, too, and I’m happy about that. I like to think men, women, children, and cats can enjoy my contagious wit in equal measure. But overall the audience for my show is mostly made up of women. I don’t know exactly what the demographics are. It’s a very confusing and complicated system that only people with high government clearance levels can fully understand. But I believe our key demographic is women 25 to 54 years old. Beyond that we try to target Armenians between the ages of 35 and 80, and women named Diane between the ages of 18 and 104.

I don’t know if that’s right. And don’t even get me started on the ratings system. From what I understand, there’s a gentleman in a basement somewhere keeping track of who turns their televisions on between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. and he writes it down on a piece of lint and then, based on his annual report and opinion, shows get canceled or picked up.

Anyway, I just want to able to use the platform I have in front of millions of people around the world every day for good things. I want young girls to know that they should dream big and that if they put their minds to it they can accomplish anything. When I go out and do my show every day I’m thinking two things: Can I inspire someone today? And will my guests have good breath?

I always think of that James Brown song “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” when I think about girl power. I also think of the Spice Girls, which makes me think about spices, which makes me think about food, which makes me hungry, which makes me need to eat a sandwich every time that song comes on the radio.

I like James Brown but that song is so wrong. It’s not just a man’s, man’s, man’s world. It’s also a woman’s, woman’s, woman’s world. He sings that “man made the cars to take us over the road.” And that may be true, but what terrible driving visibility we would have on that road were it not for the woman who made the windshield wipers.

If you’re going to listen to that song then you should also listen to my personal anthem, “Sisters Are Doin’ It for Themselves” as sung by one of the most brilliant songstresses of all time, Aretha Franklin. She sings about how sisters are not just stuck working in kitchens anymore. They’re now doctors, lawyers, and politicians. At first, I did think she was singing about one very talented family of sisters all doing wonderful things with their lives. Now, of course, I realize she meant sisters, as in all women.

Women can do stuff, too! And to whoever is listening to me or watching me or reading me, that is what I want to say. The world can benefit from more smart ladies. I like smart people. I assume most people do. I’ve never heard anyone say, “Boy, do I love idiots,” though I’m sure people have.

Maybe at some point we won’t have to break success down along gender lines. Maybe we won’t have to say a man did this or a woman invented that. Maybe we’ll just be able to say this wonderful, smart, creative person did something extraordinary and that will be that. But until then, I’m proud to be part of the sisters who are doin’ it for themselves.

Boredom

D
o you ever just think, “I’m bored”? Maybe because we’re always moving at such a fast pace or because there are only so many Lifetime movies about perfect couples who aren’t actually perfect you can watch in one weekend, every once in a while when we’re sitting still we find ourselves thinking, “I’m really bored right now.” So here are some suggestions for things you can do when you get bored.

1. Clean my house.
   

2. Look at your pets. If you look at them long enough, you can almost figure out what they’re thinking. Usually it’s “Why has she been looking at me for so long? She must be really bored.”
   

3. Cut up fruit.
   

4. Sext.
   

5. Make a smoothie.
   

6. Volunteer.
   

7. Volunteer opinions to strangers.
   

8. Hitchhike.
   

9. Photograph geese.
   

10. Put on a blazer and pretend to be a docent at your local museum.
    

Ellen’s Guide to Gift Giving

It is better to give than to receive.

—Liars

G
ift giving might be one of the most complicated things that exist on this Earth. It’s an art that requires skill and some people have it and some people don’t. The people who have it got you tickets to your favorite opera last year. The people who don’t got you a keychain of the letter “O” even though your name is Jane.

There are no strict rules when it comes to gift giving, but there are some guidelines. It’s good etiquette to bring something whenever you go to someone’s house. It’s polite and generous and it shows that you appreciate being welcomed into somebody’s home. But my question is, how long does that go on for? What if you’ve been to their house a million times? Do you still have to bring something? The first time you go, you bring a bottle of wine. Then the second time maybe you bring flowers. When does it stop? And are the gifts supposed to keep getting bigger? After a few years of game nights does it become, “Look what we brought you, Joyce! It’s an above-ground pool!”

My brother-in-law and his wife are very good at gift giving. They are extremely polite and bring something every single time they come over for any occasion. They could be coming over because they left their sunglasses at our house and they will bring us each a brand-new set of crystal goblets. They write thank-you notes. They send flowers. And they’re so great about paying the dry cleaning bills I send them after they get little specks of dirt and wine on my outside furniture.

There are some people who refuse to bring anything when they go to someone’s house. Even if you bring something every time you go to their house, they bring nothing to yours. Here’s my solution for people like that. When you go to their house you take something. You bring a bottle of wine, you take their microwave. You bring a Bundt cake. You take their car. It’s yin and yang.

House gifts are pretty easy to manage. Where it gets tricky is holiday gifts. I don’t know where you draw the line at holiday gifts. When you’re a kid the only people you have to get gifts for are your parents and your siblings and your dog. That’s it. And it’s usually a macaroni picture frame covered in glitter. As you get older you have to give gifts to more people because you have more people in your life trying to suck you dry.

You have your family, your friends, your family’s friends, your friends’ families, everyone at work. And all those people get nicer and nicer around the holidays. Everyone’s extra helpful. “Do you need anything else, Mrs. DeGeneres? Can I shine your shoes for you?” And I’m always like, “Don’t be silly. You should be doing that anyway.”

It gets harder and harder to figure out where the cutoff line is. I always like to get something for my mail carrier, but then I have to get something for my UPS person. That means I then have to get something for my FedEx person, my garbage person, my pool person, my plant lady person, my fish pond person, my trainer, my vocal coach, my dog’s vocal coach, and of course the woman who washes my face. And then what about the people I hire to do all my Christmas shopping? Do I have to get them gifts, too?

No matter what, you’re going to forget someone who didn’t forget you. Here’s how to deal with it—take what they got you and tell them how much it means to you. Then reach into your bag and say, “I got you something special also. Wanna know what it is? Come here. Come a little closer. A little closer. Closer still. One more step toward me. I got you a hug.” And then you squeeze ’em real tight until you think you’ve squeezed out all of the disappointment.

I feel bad for people with December birthdays because they have to deal with the combo gift. They are constantly hearing, “This is for your birthday and Christmas! Happy birthmas!” A combo gift means you get one real gift and, if you’re lucky, one extra thing your friend found while she was in the checkout line at Target. “Oooh, a sweater and Krazy Glue?! Thanks!” “Well, I know how much you love to glue stuff permanently! Merry birthday!”

It’s really bad if your birthday is actually on Christmas day. (Unless you’re Jesus. In that case—what a party! By the way, if you are Jesus, thank you so much for buying this book. What an honor. Is there any way you’d give a quote for the paperback edition? I mean, who wouldn’t buy it if Jesus recommended it on the back? I ask only because Oprah’s Book Club ended and it would be a huge get, but you don’t have to decide right now.)

Anyway, if your birthday is on Christmas day and you’re not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you’re a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with the combo gift, you get the combo song. “We wish you a merry Christmas—and happy birthday, Terry—we wish you a merry Christmas—happy birthday, Terry—we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye—Birthday, Terry!”

It’s not fair and I have a message for parents out there. Don’t do that to your kids. Plan your love. I’m not great at baby math, so I’m just gonna say in the early part of the year, maybe January until March, stay away from each other. It’s not gonna be easy. Those are winter months and you’re going to want to stay warm. But unfortunately one of you is going to have to sleep in a tent in the backyard. Or one of you can climb that mountain in Brazil you’re always journaling about. Just stay away from each other. You can talk on the phone if you keep it clean. It’s for the benefit of all mankind.

My birthday is in January, just a few weeks after the holidays. What that means for me is that I get my holiday gifts, and then for my birthday I get mostly regifted holiday gifts. Because everyone does the same thing after the holidays—they make their piles of “Keep” and “Regift.” The iPod you keep. Ugly sweater you regift. Digital camera you keep. Inappropriately shaped candle you give to the creepy guy who works in your payroll department.

I’m lucky my birthday is in January because people tend to regift the good stuff first. If your birthday is in January or even February, you might actually end up with an iPod because maybe someone got one for Christmas but already had one. Or you could get a really nice bottle of wine because in January your friend still thinks he’s not gonna drink this year.

But as the year goes on, the regifts get worse. By June you’re getting a framed picture of your friend’s nephew in a frame that says “Our precious boy.” And by the fall people aren’t regifting anymore. They’re just emptying their basements. If your birthday is in October, you’re either getting a Ping-Pong paddle or an infant’s car seat. “Happy birthday! Maybe you’ll adopt one day, Grandma!”