Seriously... I'm Kidding (14 page)

Here’s another thing: I’m allergic to penicillin. Bet you didn’t know that, did you? That’s because I’ve never told anyone that. Not even a doctor.

Here’s another thing I’ve never talked about: I think it’s weird that all dance classes have to be taught in front of a huge glass window. It’s the only business that leaves nothing to the imagination. Why no curtains? Why do they want people walking by and staring at them? I have nothing against leotards, but that’s a lot of bits and pieces for my eyes to see when I’m just trying to get to the coffee shop next door.

Anyway, those are all things that I’ve never shared with anyone ever before and as purchasers of this book I hope you feel special that you are the only ones to have this information. Those aren’t even part of what I set out to share with you in this chapter. Those are just bonus ideas.

What I really wanted to tell you is what seriously changed my life forever. I’ve never been the same since I first laid eyes on it and it’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

It’s the Swiffer.

You know what? That’s it. I honestly thought it was going to take more time to explain how it changed my life, but I think you get it with that one word.

I guess this chapter isn’t the longest chapter after all.

Tweet Chapter

An observation in 140 characters.

How come when you wipe up dust it’s called dusting but when you wipe up a spill it’s not called spilling? There’s something to think about.

Deep Thinkers and Not So Deep Thinkers

Y
ou’re probably familiar with the famous sculpture of
The Thinker
. It’s a man sitting down with his head resting on his hand, and it was created by a French artist named Rodin in 1902. It represents a person deep in thought, contemplating the struggles and the heaviness of the world around him. I recently saw a replica of it in the garden department of Sears and it got me thinking.

There are obviously all different sorts of people in this world. That’s what makes the world go ’round. Well, that and wind. But when I saw
The Thinker
, I started to really think about thinking and I thought about this: There are two distinct types of people in the world—deep thinkers and not so deep thinkers.

Deep thinkers are people who ask a lot of questions, who are conscious about their actions, who seek reasons and explanations for everything they do and see and hear. Not so deep thinkers are people who litter. They’re less aware of their impact on the planet. I mean, what year are you living in if you think you can still roll down your car window and toss garbage into the street? Maybe that was super awesome in 1968 but we can’t do that anymore. It’s not cool, man.

We all need to be deeper thinkers. We need to think more about our actions and their consequences. There’s a law of physics that says “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Do you know what that means? Me neither. Actually, it might have been in my fortune cookie last night. My point is, we need to think about what we are doing on and to this planet. We only have one Earth and it’s the most important planet in our entire solar system, besides Uranus.

The more we consciously think about what we’re doing and what we’re consuming, the better off we’re going to be. And I don’t just mean what we eat. I mean what we buy and what we use. We consume so much. We buy the latest computers and phones and TVs and clothing, and that means everything that came before it ends up in landfills and oceans. I know that’s not a particularly hilarious sentiment but it’s something we need to think about as humans. And if you’re an alien living on Earth, you should be thinking about it as well. Everyone should think about it—not just the people who get labeled “hippies” or “tree-huggers” because they care about our environment. I care and I’m not a hippy. I did hug a tree one time, but it was the seventies and I thought the tree was my friend Judy.

There’s plenty we can do to help. First of all, if you’re not recycling I don’t even know what to do with you right now. I hate to have to scream at you through this book, but PLEASE RECYCLE!

Secondly, there’s a very easy way to save water. Take group showers. It’s fun. It’s friendly. At first, my housekeepers were resistant to this idea, but luckily my landscaper talked them into it.

Another thing you can do is take reusable bags to the grocery store. Now I always thought a reusable bag that you bring into a store was called a purse, and from what I understand putting things in your purse while you’re shopping is called shoplifting. So, shoplift.

Want to save electricity? Unplug your appliances when you’re not using them. Every Sunday, I unplug my tanning beds and dim the lights in my discotheque. You might want to unplug your television for a few hours a day. Not while my show is on of course, but any other time. Well, not if it’s Shark Week because that’s fascinating programming, but any other time. Unless
The Bachelor
is on because people are going to be talking about it at work the next day. And if
So You Think You Can Dance
is on you gotta watch that. You know what, never mind. Don’t unplug the TV. Get rid of your refrigerator or something. I don’t know. You’ll figure it out.

We all know people who go through life without ever thinking about their actions. They’re the people who don’t use turn signals and choose not to replace the empty roll of toilet paper after they finish it. They’re not malicious in their intentions (usually). They just aren’t paying attention.

Let’s try and pay more attention to what’s around us. Look up. Look down—if only so you don’t trip. Ask questions. You know how kids always ask “why?” Ask why. Then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. Don’t stop asking why until you get the answer you’re looking for. Or until you’re escorted away by security, whichever comes first.

Here’s a question: If our Earth is turning at one thousand miles per hour, why can’t I jump on a trampoline in Los Angeles and end up at a diner in Phoenix a few minutes later? Right? Think deeply about that for a while.

Chapter for the Audiobook Listeners

I
know many of you are listening to an audio version of this book, so I’d like to say a special hello to all of you. Recording an audio book is a lot like doing the voice of an animated character in a movie. I’m in a recording booth and I have big headphones on and I’m talking into a big microphone. And since there are no cameras I don’t have to wear any pants.

There is a sound engineer. Hi, Jerry! I’m waving to him right now. He’s sweet. He’s waving back. Hi! Now he’s holding up a sign. “My name isn’t Jerry. It’s Mike.”

Anyway, since you have the benefit of being able to hear this, I thought I would include some bonus material of me making strange noises.

For those of you who are reading this the old-fashioned way and can’t hear me, I’ve printed the noises below and I encourage you to use your imagination to think of what they might sound like coming out of my mouth.

Meeeeee

Faaaaa

Coooooooooo

Gooooooood morning

Bowwwwwww

Babowwwww

Yellowwwww

Kentucky!

Pop

Pop pop pop

Kerplunk

Lemonade

Sylvia

Click

Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah

Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew

Shhhhhhhhh

Harumph!

Honesty

T
hey say honesty is the best policy. But is it?

It is. Actually, honesty is one of the qualities I find most attractive in a person. (Another one is nice ankles.)

Honesty is so important and yet a lot of times it’s hard to find in people. I’m not saying any of you are liars. I don’t know you. I’m sure you’re sweet and nice and have never “accidentally” dropped a jury summons down a garbage disposal. Maybe you’ve never uttered so much as a fib in your whole entire lives. But let’s face it, you probably have. We all have. Well, I haven’t. I’m always honest.

Okay, see? That was a lie. And I’m sorry.

We might not go around spewing huge, sweeping, outrageous lies, but in one way or another most of us lie every now and again. I actually read a statistic that on average people lie four times a day. I don’t know exactly what four lies people are telling each day but I do know that people tend to lie about their age, their weight, their natural hair color, and how cute their friends’ babies are. “What a cutie-pie. Look at those ears! You have to—can’t miss ’em! So cute.”

I also know that people lie on their résumés. People lie under oath. People lie to their doctors, which I’ve never quite understood. I know you might be embarrassed about how you got that bite on that particular part of your body, but you have to be honest about it so a trained professional can help you.

I really try my best not to lie. That’s true. I try to give my honest opinion on things. I try to tell it like it is. Give it to ’em straight. Lay it on the line. Be up-front. Keep it real. Not say false… stuff. I don’t know any other sayings. I try not to lie.

Sometimes it’s hard because I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. So there have been times when a friend will get a haircut and I will see it and my initial reaction is “Oh my God, you look like a streetwalker who got caught in a wind tunnel.” But I obviously can’t say that because that would be an insult to streetwalkers. So I have to say, “I love it! It looks great!” But when I say it my voice goes up about three octaves. “It looks greee-aaattt!” So I’m certain they know I’m lying.