Sex and the Social Network (17 page)

Enrique and I were three months into our affair, and I had never been happier. We met at least once a week and sometimes more. The sex was unbelievable, and the love and care he showed me kept me high enough to tolerate the times I couldn’t be with him. I was daydreaming about the upcoming weekend and even contemplating whether I should tell him I was thinking about leaving Zack when the phone rang.

“Hey, baby. I was just thinking about you,” I said to Enrique.

“Listen, Maria. I’m in big trouble.”

“Uh oh. What’s wrong?”

“While I was at work today, Claire decided to poke around on my computer. I’d forgotten to log out of Facebook.”

My heart sank into my stomach. This was the moment we’d both been dreading. I felt like I was going to pass out or vomit. I couldn’t speak.

“Maria, are you there?”

“I’m here, baby. I’m so sorry. So now what?”

“We have to stop. Luckily she didn’t read anything too explicit, but she knows we’ve been in touch a lot, and she is very suspicious. She asked me a lot of questions about you. Then she mentioned how much more I’ve been traveling and how distant I’ve been. She basically told me that if I don’t stop being ‘friends’ with you, she would take the kids and leave me.”

My voice was barely above a whisper. “Oh my God, if she saw all our chats…”

“Exactly. Luckily, I delete most of the stuff as I go, but there is enough damaging ev
idence that it would ruin me.”

“Wow, I can’t believe she went through your Facebook.”

“I know. At first I was so pissed off at her. But I’d probably have done the same if the situation was reversed.” I heard Enrique take a deep breath. His voice got lower and sad. “I’m so sorry, Maria. I am going to miss you so much.”

“So I can’t even text you once in a while? No contact at all?”

“No contact. She was serious, darling. Trust me, if I could walk away from the marriage without the risk of hurting my kids, I would. But they are so little, and I barely see them as it is. I have to try and make my marriage work, if for no other reason than my kids. Please say you understand.”

It took everything I had to fight back the tears. “I do, darling. It doesn’t mean that I’m not deeply sad, but I do understand.”

“Thank you, Maria. You mean the world to me. I hate that we have to end like this.”

“Me too.” Tears were streaming down my face.

I could hear the tears in his voice as well. “I love you, baby. I really do.”

“I love you too.” I hung up the phone before he could say anything more. I couldn’t bear to hear him say goodbye.

Sorrow was coursing through me; my body was racked with sobs. Part of me was stunned, but part of me had known this was coming. Affairs can’t last forever; they never do. I knew going in that it would have to end at some point, likely with tears. I had tried to prepare myself for this, but no rationalization could prepare for how it felt to lose Enrique again. I sobbed at my desk, not caring who might have heard me.

For a long time, I thought I idealized him because he had been my first love, the first pe
rson I had sex with, and the first to break my heart. He had set the bar so high; every man I dated after him seemed to fall short. But I kept telling myself it was because we were young and innocent. Neither one of us had been jaded by life when we were in love the first time. We could give one hundred percent of our hearts and souls to each other, and we did. At no other time in my life could I say that I was willing or able to give so much of myself. Not even to Zack, maybe especially not to Zack.

Throughout my adult life, I’d pretended every man I was ever with was Enrique. It was the only way I could give of myself like that again. I wanted everyone to be him, and then finally, after pretending for so long, it really was. Being with Enrique again was truly a dream come true.

To lose him again was my worst nightmare.

After my mom died, I would have this recurring dream that she would come back. She was still sick, and it was like she didn’t know she was supposed to be dead. My sister and brother and I would look at each other not knowing what to say or do. How could she be here? Could we actually touch her and hug her? Didn’t she know she was supposed to be dead?

I was confused in my dream, and I couldn’t tell if she was alive or if she had actually died only weeks after Paquito was born. The dreams should have been wonderful, but instead they were fraught with sadness.

Each time I woke up from that dream, I was sobbing because I’d have to face the truth and acknowledge that she was really gone for good. There was no miracle of her still being on this earth. To have to face her loss over and over again, it hurt so much every time.

And now it felt like that with Enrique. Our affair was like my dream. It was too good to be true, and now I’m awake, sobered by the reality of my life. I hoped my broken heart from Enrique would heal faster than my broken heart from losing my mom.

I had a confession to make. When Maria first told me about Enrique, I told her I wasn’t judging her, but I was. I tried not to, but there was a part of me that thought all cheaters were bad.

That was before I knew anyone who had
been unfaithful or how those affairs could happen. After learning about Julia and Maria and Gabby, I started to see that infidelity wasn’t all black and white. I don’t think anything is anymore. My stance had been altered for good.

On Monday at work, I was anxious to talk to Gabby to see how her night went with Todd, so when I saw her go into the bathroom, I quickly followed her.

“Gabby, how did it go with Todd?” I tried not to seem too excited about what I imagined happened that night.

Gabby looked happier t
han I had ever seen her. She smiled and said, “Ah-MAZING. He’s hung like a horse and fucks like a fucking porn star. Do you want to know more?”

I did, but I didn’t. Of course, part of me was dying to hear all the juicy details. But I rea
lly didn’t want Gabby to think I was condoning her affair, so I played the older and wiser friend. “Wow. Well, I’m glad you had fun, Gabby, but I’m worried about you. Todd is kind of a loose cannon. Are you sure you want to be messing around, especially with someone like that?”

“Liz, what do you mean by someone ‘like that’? Someone rugged and dangerous? Yeah, actually, I do. He treats me like a whore, and I love it. He is exactly the kind of guy that makes me wanna cum over and over again.”

I stood there speechless.

“
Forget it. You wouldn’t understand even if I tried to explain it. Sex is probably one big parade of happiness for you. You wouldn’t know anything about getting raped by your uncle or what it’s like to have fucked up feelings about sex.”

Gabby waited there for a brief moment, her eyes filled with anguish. I was so shocked by what she had said, I was paralyzed. I should have taken her hand and let her explain what she meant. Instead, I just stood there like a dumbass. I didn’t know what to say.

“Just forget it,” she mumbled angrily and stormed out of the bathroom.

I should have run after her. I should have been a better friend and let her unload what was clearly heavy on her heart. It wasn’t Gabby’s fault that I was feeling like an accomplice in Julia’s and Maria’s affairs
. My wanting to distance myself from their infidelity was no excuse for my not being a better friend to Gabby. I wish so much I could go back to that moment in time. Maybe if I had been there for her, things would have turned out better for Gabby.

❧

There I was, desperately trying to separate myself from all the cheating, when Maria’s number popped up on my cell phone. I almost didn’t answer it, but I hadn’t talked to her in a few days, so I picked up.

“Hey, Maria. How are you?”

“Horrible.” Her voice was barely audible.

“What’s wrong?” I was worried because she did not sound like her recent chipper self.

“Enrique’s wife is suspicious, so we have to break up,” her voice cracked through the phone.

“Oh, Maria, I am so sorry. That totally sucks.”

“Yeah, she threatened to take the kids if he doesn’t cut off contact with me. He is petrified of losing them.”

“Wait, how did she become suspicious?”

“He accidentally left his Facebook page open, so she started poking around.”

“Oh, no! That could be very bad.”

“Yeah, you’re telling me! It sounds like he deleted the most damaging evidence, but still there is enough that she started asking a lot of questions and forbids him to be friends with me.”

“Oh, Maria, sweetie, how are you holding up?”

It sounded like she was choking back her tears. “Not so good. I felt so happy with Enrique, and I’m not ready for us to end. I can’t believe I won’t be able to be in touch with him at all.”

“I can’t imagine. Well, you’ll get through it. Let me know if you want a shoulder to cry on or if you just want to go
out one night and get wasted.”

“Thanks, Liz. I better run.”

“Okay, love you, Maria.”

“Love you too.”

My heart hurt for her. She had been so happy these past few months. I actually believed she and Enrique would end up together, and I think Maria secretly thought so too. They were just so natural together; I couldn’t believe they broke up. I hoped she would find a way to make peace with it and fast.

That night, I was in a funk when we sat down to eat dinner. Don, my intuitive son, picked up on my mood. “Hey, Mom, why don’t we do that thing when we go around the table and say something we are grateful for?”

I smiled at him. “Great idea, Don. You go first.”

“My family, my friends, and football.” We all laughed at his profound statement.

Isabella, in her typical sassy attitude, said, “I’m grateful for this lovely food and for weekends.”

I sighed, trying hard not to react to her sarcasm. We were having stir fry, and she had picked out every morsel of meat and ate only the broccoli.

Alexa was feeding herself sweet potatoes, rice, and peas and said, “Mama, more please.”

“So Alexa is saying she is grateful for the meal she has been given. I guess it’s my turn. I am grateful for my family, being able to share this meal, God, and our health.”

Braden went last. “My family, of course. Everything I need to make me happy is sitting right here.” Braden looked right at me; his eyes were saying something to me. Or maybe they were asking me something. Either way, at some point we needed to have a big talk, one I was not ready to have.

I got tears in my eyes. Suddenly saying what we were thankful for didn’t seem like a light, happy topic. I was grateful most days; I truly was. But I felt like something was missing.

When I looked up at the man I married, physically he was the same: tall and broad. Same baby blonde hair and same deep blue eyes I could get lost in. But he was not the same. Something had changed. Or so it seemed. I wanted him back; I wanted us back.

I had to break the seriousness, so as we were all cleaning up the dishes, I put on some Taylor Swift. It was awesome that my kids were of the age that we actually liked some of the same music. My days of Barney songs were almost behind me.

We started dancing and singing, and I noticed that Isabella sounded really good. Braden and I are big music fans, so we always have music on, and she especially loves to sing along.

“Isabella, sweetie, you sound really good. Your voice has really improved.”

She looked up at me with her big brown innocent eyes. “So does that mean you’ve been lying to me since you’ve always told me I was a good singer?”

Without thinking I responded, “Sometimes a lie is okay if you say it out of love.”

Isabella seemed to find my answer acceptable. She smiled at me and continued belting out her song sounding even more beautifully than just moments before.

Sunday night I lay in bed reminiscing about my weekend with Tyrone. I was in awe of him and how he made me feel. I know that sometimes when we fantasize about something for so long, the reality simply can’t match up. That sure wasn’t the case here. Ty was everything I had dreamt of and more. He was sexier and more passionate than any man I had ever met. He was incredibly attentive and intuitive, listening and feeling to what my body needed to bring me the most pleasure.

But it wasn’t just his prowess in the bedroom; he was thoughtful and a gentleman, always concerned about my needs and wants over his own. And while I loved that so much about him, it only highlighted the stark contrast between who he was and the man I married.

On Monday morning, Aaron offered to take Arielle to preschool. I was thankful to be able to sleep in after my incredible, but exhausting weekend. I was just waking up for the second time when my phone rang. I reached over to the nightstand and saw Tyrone’s face on the screen.

“Good morning, my Greek God,” I said.

“Good morning, angel. I’m horny. I hated sleeping alone last night. All I could think about was you straddling me on the sofa.”

I stretched in the bed, wishing he was with me. “You like that idea?”

“Any idea that involves you gets me hard, but yes, I like that one a lot.”

“Me too. It’s one of my favorites, and your couch is perfect.”

“Is your hubby going out tonight?”

“No. He’s got a cold and probably won’t even work late.”

“That sucks.” He sounded disappointed.

“I know. I won’t be able to talk to you tonight before I go to bed. Maybe I can find a nice neighbor to help me out,” I teased. As if I’d want anyone but Tyrone.

“I wish I was closer. I could help you whenever you needed me,” he joked.

“Me too. I’d make love to you all night long.”

“I’m ready for that.” His voice perked up.

“I didn’t wear you out this weekend? You don’t need a break?”

“A break from your sexiness? No chance,” he reassured me.

“If you were here right now, I don’t think I could stop myself.”

“That’s what I want to hear. Tell me more, Julia.”

“That’s how I feel. I ache for you, for your touch, for you to be inside me.”

“So listen, sweet angel.” Ty’s voice got serious. “I have something I want to ask you.”

“What is it, darling?” I was nervous about what he might ask.

“I want you to go on the pill for us. I need to go without a condom. You need to feel me raw and naked inside you.”

“Oh, yeah, that would be amazing, Ty. Let me sleep on it.”

“Really, baby? You’ll consider it?” He sounded almost desperate. While I was fine with using condoms, Ty did something to me, made me want to do almost anything that would please him. I decided I would seriously consider it.

I heard someone knocking on his office door through the phone.

“Hey, Julia, I gotta run now, but I’ll be thinking of you all day while my dick is hard and pressed against my jeans.”

“And I’m going to get out of bed and attempt to function throughout the day. But I won’t be able to because all I’ll be able to think about is making love to you. Bye, Tyrone. Have a great day.” I hung up the phone and sighed.

I was right; I didn’t have anything resembling a normal day, and it was worse the next. I was so hungry for Tyrone that sex was all I could think about. Everything reminded me of him; my soda bottle, the hot guy in the Starbucks, licking the foam off my cappuccino. My thoughts were consumed with Tyrone and how alive he made me feel.