“Okay. And what about your sobriety? How long have you been
sober?”
“One day.” Miki put up one finger and smiled. “Okay, five
hours. Lunchtime today.” She gave Valencia a warning stare.
Valencia said nothing.
“Okay. I see. And what’s been your biggest challenge?”
“Just trying to resist. I mean I can put an opportunity off but I
usually make sure it happens. Even when my brain tells me the timing is bad or
it’s wrong to do it, I guess you could say my vagina just won’t stop
nagging me until I do.”
“Really? What was your biggest challenge?”
“Just ignoring the turn-ons. The opportunity for getting laid and
foolin around. Honestly, it’s kickin my ass. It’s like I have zero
power.”
“Don’t feel alone, Miki, because you’re not. I chose you
tonight because I think your situation applies to step one, which is being
powerless over lust, which you just mentioned. And also the fact that you need
to believe that there’s a power greater than you that can restore you.
There is a certain sanity that we lack as sexaholics, and we need to restore
ourselves to that sanity. It means resisting and it means thinking before we
act. It means telling ourselves no, and telling the other person or people no.
It means having faith that God’s got you.”
Miki looked conflicted. “I know, but I’ve thought I needed to do
more than just pray about it. I’ve always understood that to mean I need
to do something about it myself.”
“But how do any of us do anything without Him? We’re powerless
without Him. This brings me to the third step, which is deciding to turn your
will over to the care of God. You need to have faith and believe that you will
be delivered through this. But you, just like all of us, must take the first
step toward believing.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Good. Very good. Lastly, I must ask: in your opinion, what is a
nymphomaniac? I mean, how would you define it?” Rachel Cummings asked
Miki.
“I guess it’s abnormal sexual cravings by a female. Like wanting
repeated sex all the time.”
“Do you want it or need it?”
“I need it. I crave it. It’s all I think about. Before I finish
an orgasm I’m honestly thinking about the next one.”
“Then perhaps you are indeed addicted. But you may or may not be a
nymphomaniac. They’re not necessarily one and the same. Sometimes
nymphomaniacs just have high sex drives. Some really need attention and
gratification. It goes beyond the bedroom or the backseat. It’s really a
need that even if met four times a day, still wouldn’t be enough. The root
of the matter is attention, needing to be desired. Needing attention from more
than just one person. The majority of nymphos can’t be
monogamous.”
“Well, I’m telling you now, that sounds like me.”
“Do you want to be monogamous?”
“I don’t know.”
“Okay. See, you claim this is temporary. You say it’s renting
you. So evict it. If you keep letting it live within you, chances are
you’ll constantly cheat on your mate and have failed relationships. The
truth is, we do tend to attract who we are.”
Miki nodded and twisted her mouth in thought.
Rachel Cummings said, looking around the room, “All of you who can
relate to what Miki is feeling right now, this goes for you, too. What you need
to do first is find out why. Why do you need it? Does it fill a need? Why do you
need the attention? What gratifies you about sex? Those are your big
questions.
“You weren’t born this way. None of us were. Marianne Williamson
said our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. What are we afraid
of, and who taught us to be fearful of ourselves? And what road would we need to
take to fully love ourselves? Once you get that lesson learned, then you can
begin to feel the power of healing. Then you can step through these doors
knowing you’re on the road to healthy sex, one week sober, one month
sober, one year sober, whatever. We all deserve it. This is serious. It’s
life-saving serious.” She again looked at Miki. “You fell off the
wagon, Miki, but it’s okay. We’re all family here. We’re you.
Just get up and start over again. This is your life. It’s time to hug a
new day.”
She looked at everyone. “Repeat after me. Stop lusting and become
sober.”
“Stop lusting and become sober,” the members said back.
Valencia offered assurance to Miki by touching her fist to her heart.
Miki touched her fist to her heart back.
“Anyone else?” Rachel Cummings asked, looking over at a tiny
woman with a red face, who had been sitting with her head down during most of
the meeting.
The woman raised her hand and began to tell the story of what the last two
weeks had been like for her. Sleeping with her boss on his desk in the middle of
the day at work and getting caught. Losing her job. Leaving her toddler at home
all night long while she snuck out to sleep with the man she met in the grocery
store earlier that evening.
Miki sat still and listened. Her mind shifted to trying to recall all the
exact words of her sponsor.
How did I get this way?
she asked herself.
That’s a damn good question.
She thought of her relationship with
Tariq for a moment, and then thought back to her mysterious phone call.
After the meeting, as Miki waited in the hallway for Valencia to use the
bathroom, Rachel Cummings approached.
“Hey Miki.” She gave Miki a hug. “I hope you don’t
think I delved too deep there.”
Miki patted her back, smiling. “No. Not at all. That was helpful,
actually.”
“Good. Listen. I know that I bring up faith as part of this program,
and I wanted to invite you and the other new ladies to come by my church next
Sunday if you can. It’s in Westchester. They’re cool there, you
know, supportive and open. It’s more positive thinking than anything. Just
thought you might want to come by. Not sure if you have a church home or
not.”
Miki said, “I do, but I haven’t been in a while. I go to West
Angeles but it gets pretty crowded there.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ve been there before. This is a much smaller
congregation. I’ve already spoken to Brandi and Teela. They said
they’d try to make it.”
“Okay. Sure. I don’t see why not.”
“I’ll ask Valencia, too.”
“Oh, I’ll tell her about it. She’s in the ladies’
room.” Miki pointed toward the bathroom door.
“Good. I’ll send all of you an e-mail with the address. It starts
at eleven in the morning. I hope to see you there.”
“Great. Thanks.”
“Have a good evening.” Rachel Cummings turned to step away as
Dwayne approached. “Hi Dwayne. Excuse me,” she said, as she
passed.
“Sure. No problem.” Dwayne took a second to watch her walk away,
right around the area of her rear end. He stepped to Miki and spoke in a low
voice. “Hey. Are you coming by for a minute?” he asked, touching her
arm. He gave her a suave look of irresistibility.
“I am.”
“Good. So I’ll see you in a few.”
“Okay.” Miki heard Dwayne’s “Atomic Dog” ring
tone as he walked toward the exit door.
He answered, and said in an even lower tone, “Nothing. I’m going
home and going to bed. Talk to you tomorrow…. Love you, too.”
Miki’s world was mightily rocked from the rooter to the tooter and
all areas in between. Dwayne had serviced every inch of her. Tonight, even more
so than the first time when he’d put her in wild-ass hood mode and had her
talking shit, hanging off the bed. This time, he even found an erogenous zone
she didn’t even know she had. That was one reason why she broke her rule
and laid up with him upon his disheveled king bed, talking. Neither had on a
strip of clothing. The soft lights graced the outlines of their long
frames.
He lay on his left side, facing her. “Funny. You’ve never asked
about my SA deal.”
She lay on her right, facing him, and said, “I told you it
doesn’t matter.” Her hair was mussed.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, it’s not gonna change anything.”
“But don’t you even care?”
“I do. I figure you’ll tell it when you’re
ready.”
“I’m ready. It’s not all that uncommon. The regular members
know all about me.” He rubbed the smooth, brown softness of her upper arm
with his massive right hand while looking in her eyes. “Rachel
Cummings labeled me a womanizer. And I agree. And just so you know, I have a
woman.”
Miki did not blink. “I figured that much.”
“She knows about the first night we got together. She and I argued. But
we got back together. But believe me, you’re not the only one.”
“Okay. But, does she know that?”
“No.” His eyes darted to the ceiling. “Well, yes. She
thinks she knows it. I tell her she’s imagining it all. She believes it
after a while. But such is life.”
“And why do you do that to her?”
He gave Miki a serious stare. “Same reason you do it. With so much
opportunity and so many women all around, it’s all so easy. It’s
just about finding the right woman who’ll deal with it. And she’s
the one for now.”
“Why even have a woman, then?”
“Why do you have a man?”
She placed her arm over her head as she spoke. “Someone who I let
myself care about, a little. Someone to share my day with.”
“And what if he wants something permanent?”
“I won’t let that happen.”
“But what about what he’s doing? Your man, I mean.”
“I can’t worry about that. I guess I’d deserve it.
I’ve screwed around on men so much, life needs to give me a taste of my
own medicine, I guess.”
“I guess.” He removed his hand from her arm and rubbed his
eyebrow. “You don’t want more?”
“Like I said, I don’t let that happen. I don’t use the word
permanent.
”
“Some things are beyond our control.” Dwayne readjusted the
pillow beneath his head.
“True.”
He asked, “So doesn’t it bother you that I belong to someone
else?”
Miki explained, “Sounds like your body doesn’t mind. That’s
on her.” She gave him a
comme ci, comme ça
look and massaged
her hairline.
“Do you ever think about whether the men you get with are married or
taken? Do you ever think about what could be going on in the minds of the women
who’re being fooled around on?”
Miki said flatly, “I think most men are taken anyway. It just happens
that way. And that’s on them. I mean, a woman can’t really even ask
a man nowadays if he’s single. We have to be specific because a man will
lie to the hilt to get in our pants. We have to ask: Are you married? Are you
living with someone? Are you in a relationship? Or better yet, is there someone
who’d think she has the right to kick my black ass for getting with
you?”
He chuckled yet looked serious. “I guess you and I could both say yes
to that, huh?”
She nodded. “I guess so. But you still haven’t told me your
deal.”
He rolled onto his back but turned his head to look at her. “I can
never have enough sex. Enough women. Enough orgasms. I guess I’m the male
version of you.”
She propped up her elbow and rested her head upon her hand. “Or
I’m the female version of you.”
He explained, “Maybe we’re both right. I grew up with my father.
My mom died during childbirth. And Dad was your typical rolling stone. I’m
a chip off the old block. Only I’m thirty-six and don’t have any
children.”
“How’d you manage that?” she asked, looking amazed.
“Condoms. I use them even when I’m fucking someone I’m
seeing all the time. But yeah, my dad has nine kids, all by different women. He
never told me to chase women but he showed me how to do it. He showed me every
trick in the book without even knowing he was showing me. I opened the nightclub
just so I could meet women. I’ve always had public jobs just so I could
meet women. I can’t be in a grocery store or Target or Lowe’s
without looking at, lusting over, hitting on, flirting with, or trying to get at
a woman. And everywhere I go, I see women who I’d fuck. It’s just
that there are so many different physical traits that turn me on. They can be
short, tall, fat, skinny, light, dark, big ass, no ass, huge tits, no tits,
blonde, brunette, black, or white. I have fucked every nationality, I have
fucked four women at the same time on the beach, I had sex on a plane with a
stewardess, sex in the movie theater, and in the back of the fire truck when I
was a firefighter. I got more numbers back then. And I get ten times as many
now. I have all the chick-magnet factors. A big house, a little money, nice car,
I dress nice, and I’m fairly decent looking, so I’ve been
told.”
“Fairly.” She grinned. “They didn’t lie.”
He smiled for a quick second. “And still, I’m not satisfied. I
need all the pussy I can fuck. I always wonder what it feels like inside the
pussy of the one I see wherever. It’s simply my mission to find
out.”
“I don’t know if I’d use the word
simply
, but you
know. They say it doesn’t feel much different from the previous one most
times. It’s all about the conquer. Sounds like it’s not much of a
challenge to you. Sounds like chasing the pussy comes pretty easy to
you.”
“It does.”
“So why me? Why me more than once? Why’d you call me? Why me
instead of the other ladies in the group?”
“Oh, I did get with one before you got there, but she’s been
cured and moved on. And yes, I did hit on Rachel Cummings’s fine, luscious
ass, but I got nowhere.”
“Really. Rachel?”
“Yeah. She’s not feeling the dick anymore, anyway. But listen.
I’ve been in group for eight months now.” He turned back to his left
side to face her and, this time, rubbed his hand along the curve that joined her
waist to her hip, up and back. “I guess you just seem different. It
doesn’t feel like a fling with you. It’s like if I were right. If I
was healthy. If I was fixed. If I was sober, we’d be cool. You fit the
image of who I think I could be with.”