Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (13 page)

Kristen held Rich in place. “Are you kidding? I’m ready for you now.”
With that, the cock ring’s six hundred years of dusty celibacy came to an end as we screwed it onto Rich’s well-endowed and classically beautiful member. Rich’s unit was a perfect match for Kristen’s timelessly rugged passion trap, and turning her around, he found himself caught in it yet again.

We began to make love, but somehow things felt different. It was still the same incredible journey of exploring layer upon layer of seemingly unattainable ecstasy that we usually have, but this time the earth moved literally instead of just figuratively. We looked down and saw the ground vibrating as the evening light transformed into a sharp orange glow. Our ears were overcome with a loud moan that seemed to come from the belly of the earth.

“What’s happening?” Kristen tried to scream over it.

“I don’t know, but every time I pump you things change even more!” Rich hollered back.

It was true: as we boned, the scenery continued to change. The chamber became new again, the bones picked themselves up and grew muscles, skin, and hair, and instantly they were walking around as actual living beings. In a flash, the skeletons we had been dusting morphed into two beautiful Aztec adults in the middle of making love. They instantly realized their cock ring was gone, and that we had it. They began screaming at us in Nahuatl, but their yells were swallowed by a wall of dust as the chamber disintegrated, taking the angry Aztecs with it. We suddenly found ourselves in the middle of an untamed jungle, silent except for the the chirps of critters and the rhythmic clicks of the cock ring.

“Rich! Stop making love for just one second.”

“One second is too long.”

“I agree... half a second.” Rich reluctantly paused and Kristen turned around. “I think we’ve gone back in time!”

This was tremendous, especially for two professional archaeologists. We had spent years picking through the remains of lost eras, imagining what they looked like alive, pressing their dirt to our faces to catch any lasting scent, and now we were smelling and seeing it all brand-new. But at the same time, we were very horny.

“Is it because we fucked through the sound barrier and ultimately the time barrier?”

“I’ve fucked you harder. This cock ring must have powers. See if you can read the inscription.”

Kristen bent down to the read the cock ring, her gorgeous ass creating a heart silhouette in the prehistoric moonlight.

“It says, ’Those who don the ring of the Quetzalco-mmmmrnmmmrnmmmmmm”’ Kristen’s mouth slid over Rich’s engorged shaft out of habit.

At that moment, a group of brutish, hairy cavemen emerged from the jungle. They instantly spotted us and readied their spears, confusing our hairless white bodies for the aliens who were always trying to get them to build pyramids in their honor. Rich frantically tugged at the cock ring, but it was held firmly in place by his thick man-flesh. “We’ve got to get this thing off of me!”

“Hold on, let me finish reading the inscription.” Kristen fixed her gazeon the ancient symbols and concentrated on using her mouth for translating instead of pleasure. ‘“Those who don the ring of Quetzalcoatl shall go back to the beginning. The only way to return to the present is through the power of an orgasmmmmmmmmmmmmmm”’

The temptation of Rich’s rigid cock once again proved too much for Kristen, but they got the idea. “Okay, babe, looks like we’re going to have to keep doing what we do best to get home.” Rich hoisted Kristen onto on his aching rod, and not a moment too soon. One of the undoubtedly turned-on cavemen had hurled a spear at them, but when the humping resumed the spear froze in the air, then returned to the hand that threw it, like a caveman movie playing in reverse. With a squeeze of Kristen’s ample breast the Neanderthals turned into furry babies, then disappeared completely.

We were safe but no closer to getting back home. Kristen locked her feet around Rich’s legs and rocked his cock as hard as she could —so hard she reached an orgasm that made her shriek like a wild animal. Unfortunately, Rich wasn’t the only one who heard it. From the tops of the trees a
Tyrannosaurus rex
lifted its head and zeroed in on its prey. “Oh my God! Rich, you have to cum!”

Rich desperately wanted to, if only to release the growing pressure from his imprisoned schlong. But it wasn’t happening. The dinosaur ripped through tree trunks with its massive jaw and made its way toward us. Rich flipped Kristen over and pounded her with all his might. Upside down, Kristen could see the remains of a pterodactyl still stuck in the monster’s giant teeth. Being so close to death plus Rich’s panicked thrusting caused her to explode a second time. But Rich remained rock-hard and orgasm-free.

“This cock ring is too good!” Rich yelled, half pleased and half doomed. Just as we were about to go spelunking in the carnivore’s horrific mouth cave the earth vibrated again, and when the dust cleared we were on the side of a red-hot volcano.

“I guess we went back even further.” Rich pinned Kristen to the side of the volcano and continued to give it to her from behind. Kristen felt the heat emanating from the molten rock and realized it couldn’t match the friction inside her. “Ahhh, man, Rich, this volcano is going to erupt any minute, and so am I!”

Rich’s cock had never felt so good. The tightness of the ring and the sheer adrenaline of the situation were bringing him to the edge of ecstasy. But the ring’s powers refused to let him get off easy.

Kristen, however, was a different story. Rich heard her scream and saw the lava pour from the crater at the same time. At first he wasn’t sure if it was a scream of terror, but when he felt her love canal ripple and tighten around him, he knew it was all because of him.

“Baby, I’m going for three, are you getting any closer? Because we are about to melt like Velveeta!” Rich laid Kristen down and rode all the way back in time, to the very beginning. We felt the hot earth cool under us and break apart, until we were fucking on a lonely asteroid like an X-rated version
of The Little Prince.
The red sky became a black wash, the sound of our slapping genitals echoing in the abyss of the newly formed universe. Soon, the universe itself was smaller than Rich’s bulging hard-on.

Our bodies grew numb with each breath. We knew it was just a matter of time before we became victims of erotic space asphyxiation. Luckily, Kristen remembered a trick.
She took one of Rich’s ice-cold nipples into her teeth and bit down on it, hard. The shocking sensation was exactly what Rich needed to cum. As Kristen felt his cock swell her nerves gave into ecstasy yet again, but this time on an even greater scale. The combination of her quivering and the warm blood trickling down his chest caused every cell in Rich’s body to explode in jubilation. It was the most overwhelming orgasm of our lives.

At the same time, the sole pinpoint of light that was our infant universe exploded in every direction, millions of pieces scattering across the gaping void. In nanoseconds, the glowing shards coagulated into stars and planets. Before we realized what was happening, we found ourselves back on Earth, clinging to each other in the musty tomb. A single space icicle clung to Rich’s still-hard nipple.

The magical cock ring fell to the floor with a clang and rolled back to its rightful skeleton owners. Kristen was speechless from her quadruple orgasm that had spanned billions of years. Rich had only one thing to say: “Now that was a big bang.”

CHAPTER 4

Masturbation: The Auto-Erotic Fixation

Dedicated to Dr. Joycelyn Elders

“The Galileo of Masturbation”

Masterbation:

The Auto-Erotic Fixation

A sign of a great species is being able to meet a basic need by just being your self. Turtles carry shelter on their backs. Silkworms make their own scarves. And humans, in yet another display of our evolutionary brilliance, can fulfill the greatest need of all: fending off the hornies. We do it by
wanking off.

The hardest part of Anne Geddes’ job is getting the babies to stop masturbating.

Though masturbating is often vilified as “dirty” or “sinful” or “something you shouldn’t do at a fancy restaurant,” it is actually one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. It is exercise, yet it feels good. You get to use your imagination, but you don’t have to buy any expensive construction paper or finger paints. And best of all, any guilt you have after-ward can be wiped away with more masturbating. Both “whittling the whalebone” and “polishing the pearl” are so ingrained in our DNA that infants have been known to handle their business long before it’s open for business. And as the old saying goes, “If babies do it, it can’t be bad.” But there was a time when people didn’t masturbate. Not surprisingly, it was in biblical times.

After the embarrassing sexual fiasco that was Adam and Eve, God issued an emergency recall of all humans. He shortened our arms so that our longest finger could barely reach our belly buttons, enough for lint management but nothing more. Making our arms any longer would only spell TROUBLE in giant capital letters of wasted semen. Surprisingly, not jerking off made people even bigger jerk-offs. God was about to erase our species altogether and just start from scratch when he saw Noah, still in bed at 1 p.m. Not only was he five hundred years old, his arms had been stretched out to the unthinkable length of below the waist in a tug-o’-war accident. Yet despite this deformity, Noah was more relaxed and easy to deal with than most humans (though he did go through a lot of hand lotion). Right there on the spot, God decided to start over with Noah as his new prototype.

For a guy who supposedly cared about animals, Noah loved choking his chicken.

God commanded Noah to build an ark in preparation for a great flood that would rid the world of non-wankers once and for all. After only a hundred years of hard labor (and equally hard masturbating), Noah completed his task. The waters came, and so did Noah. And when the waters receded, Noah was a ready to replace it with a veritable deluge of ready-made, long-armed-person sperm. And it was
Good.

Masturfiction:

Five Myths about Masturbation

The number of misconceptions about masturbating is almost equal to the number of people doing it at this very moment (which is a lot). But before you begin exploring your uncharted territories, it’s important to separate fact from friction: