Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (14 page)

MYTH

Masturbating gives you acne.

FACT

Masturbating does
not
give you acne. It only appears that way since people with acne typically can’t get a date and have to masturbate all the time.

MYTH

If you masturbate too much, you will use up all your semen.

FACT

Semen is a renewable resource. But you should be saving it anyway. We recommend Tupperware and an industrial freezer. Don’t forget to label!

MYTH

Masturbating will stunt your growth.

FACT

Actually, it increases growth. The same chemicals that make your penis or clitoris grow during masturbation naturally spill into other parts of your body making them bigger too. Any time you see a tall person, you can be sure they jerk off all the time.

MYTH

Masturbating can make you go blind.

FACT

While this is usually dismissed as an old wives’ tale, studies suggest masturbation-induced blindness is indeed possible. If you have recently masturbated and notice a sudden decrease in vision, it is imperative that you immediately rinse your eyes with a mixture of water, hydrogen peroxide,

MYTH

Masturbating gives you hairy palms.

FACT

This one is true. Growing hair is the body’s natural defense against hand chafing. Fortunately, there are plenty of options for the fuzzy-fingered. (SEE
“Things You Can Do With Hairy Palms”
)

Things You Shouldn’t Think About While Masturbating

One of the best things about masturbating is that you can let your imagination roam as freely as your hands. But when directing your own mental porno, some scenes are best left on the cutting room floor. Try not to think about:
Your grandmother
Your grandmother masturbating
The millions of germs on your hand
Genocide
How easy it would be for some one to secretly install a Web cam in your bedroom
How the water you’re wasting could supply a village in Africa (in shower only)
How they’d find you if you died right now
Yams
Frankenstein naked
How they took
The Tonight Show
away from Conan
How you are just an insignificant speck in the universe
A word that rhymes with “orange”