Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (18 page)

Rush wheezed over with a box of vibrators. “Sarah, I couldn’t find my pills. I’m just going to have to take these as compensation.”

The faded beauty queen knocked the box out of his hands. “No one takes a single devil stick out of here!”

An errant vibrator rolled near Janie’s feet. It was her chance. She grabbed the treasure and made a mad dash for the door. But just as her hand touched the knob, a bullet shattered a hole in the wall inches from her head. The ringing in Janie’s ears from the gun harmonized with the steady hum of the vibrators.

“Sarah! Don’t!” A large wet spot was growing on Rush’s crotch.

“Shut up, Rush. Your girlfriend’s a thief. Put the vibrator down.” Janie started to set the vibrator down on the floor.

“No! On the pile.” As Janie walked over to the pile, Palin followed her with the gun.

“Good girl. Now take these matches and light it for me. And then you can go.” The gunslinger held out a pack of matches.

The thought of destroying hundreds of perfectly good orgasm machines made Janie sick. Another shot rang through the warehouse. “Do it!” Sarah seethed.

Janie hastily lit the matches and threw them onto the pile. The flames transformed the vibrators into the sexiest bonfire there ever was or will ever be. The smoke alarm went off and so did Palin’s wristwatch.

“It’s midnight, everyone! I’ve officially ruined World Masturbation Day for a good percentage of un-American women. Everyone get out! This place is becoming a death panel!”

The three stumbled outside into fresh air.

“Janie, I’m so sorry. I tried.”

Janie took in the sad, pee-soaked man. All she wanted was to get the hell out of there. She turned to go.

“Wait! Before you leave, if I can just give you some advice... use your fingers. I know it takes longer than you want, but it’s a bigger payoff than the vibrator. Just massage in a circle with these two fingers. I do it... because my penis is just that small.”

Palin came up behind Rush. “Come on, Rush, I’ve got some news to broadcast on your radio show.” A beaten Rush followed Palin into the night.

The festivities were already under way. People had stopped whatever they were doing and were relaxing on sidewalks, in bars, on top of cars, just taking care of their business in the street light. The warehouse fire was reflecting a warm orange glow off all the blissful faces. Firemen in mid-rescue had laid down the water hose for their own hose. Men and women were pleasuring themselves everywhere Janie looked. She was miserable. She ran to her apartment and locked the door.

She needed a vibrator. She was one of those women who never masturbated. It just wasn’t in her. Outside people were moaning and laughing, tempting Janie to join. She got undressed.

She slowly slid her hand across her breast. She felt weird. She forced the feeling back and moved her other hand to her crotch. She squeezed it. It felt like a hairy coin purse. She pulled it open. Her hands were too cold. She rubbed them together and tried again. She slid her middle finger into the slot and wagged it around, like a spastic worm. It wasn’t right.

“Just massage in a circle with these two fingers.” Rush’s words flashed in her head.

She found her clitoris and held it between her index finger and thumb. It felt like a small bean. She rubbed it slowly, and it started to tingle.
She rolled it clockwise and reverse, pressed it against her pelvic bone, and rubbed it against her labia. An excitement was spreading from her center through her thighs and into her arms. Her hand started moving on its own. Like it always knew what to do.

She had never felt this good in her entire life.
The few times that she was with a man she couldn’t orgasm. And the one time with a vibrator it came on so fast and intense it was over in a metallic second.
But this was really building. She was topping her pleasure with every passing minute. Her hand was moving faster and faster. A loud moan escaped her lips, surprising her. She was on the precipice of an earth-shattering orgasm. Her eyes closed as every nerve ending in her vagina fanned out to squeeze liquid pleasure from her muscles and pour it through her body in wave after wave.

“I’m coming!” She screamed.

“So are we!” strangers screamed back.

She opened her eyes to a new reality. Janie had just rocked her own world all by herself. A huge smile spread across her face.

“It’s World Masturbation Day, Sarah Palin. Go fuck yourself.”

CHAPTER 5

Regular Sex: The Straight and Narrow

Regular Sex:

The Straight and Narrow

Like eating your favorite food for every meal, having sex with the same person over and over quickly goes from boring to downright nauseating. It’s enough to putyou off “food” forever.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Marriage is the
fabric of society
(specifically cheesecloth, given that it rips half of the time).

Just as a dash of paprika adds an unexpected kick to a glass of tap water, there are ways to spice up even the stalest crouton of a relationship. Sure, it’s not as satisfying as sampling a different cuisine, but if you have any experience at the sexual buffet you know that sometimes “side dishes” don’t exactly agree with the main course. And if one of those side dishes turns out to be crazy bread, it may just be your last meal.

In other words, love means making the best of your crouton. Which is why this chapter contains a million different ways to gussy up that pigeon food so you can keep forcing it down your gullet. Hey, at least you’re not starving.

Now slather some lube on that ball and chain and make the best of it!

Make Your Bedroom a “Slow Zone”

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is letting the hustle and bustle of modern life interfere with their sex lives. Fax machines, VCRs, and Ataris all distract from taking the time your partner needs to feel appreciated. That’s why we recommend making your bedroom a Slow Zone. That means no clocks, no responsibilities, no
anything
that takes away from dedicating yourself to satisfying your lover’s needs, which, as you will soon discover, takes longer and longer the more they get sick of you.

CUDDLING

Cuddling, which goes by such other stomach-turning aliases as
snuggies, wuggies, snookie-wookies,
and
visits from Mr. Cozy Bear,
is an affirmation that the sexual experience you’re about to share isn’t just physical, it’s emotional. Why else would you waste time locked in what basically amounts to a horizontal airport greeting when you could be doing some thing you actually enjoy? Because you
care,
that’s why. In short, cuddling is a nonverbal way of telling your partner, “Hey I’m not raping you.” The sentiment will be appreciated.

FOREPLAY

After what will no doubt seem like hours of cuddling, you’ll be ready to move on to the next phase of not having sex yet: foreplay. Put simply, foreplay is an attempt to compensate for the fact your mate is no longer excited by the mere sight of you. If you want to have intercourse, you’re going to have to coax, beg, and otherwise trick your lover’s genitals into engorging and/or moistening. It won’t be easy.

Though other sexperts have dedicated entire books to arousal techniques and strategies, the best foreplay is achieved by simply listening to what your partner wants and then doing it, no questions asked. If it helps, make a checklist of all the things you have to do, then painstakingly go through the list item by item. Keep reminding yourself that it’s
foreplay,
not
forework,
but try to avoid saying it out loud.

LOCKS ON THE DOOR

When all else fails, nothing prolongs a lovemaking session like a good, sturdy padlock. Or several padlocks. In fact, you might as well fortify that shit like a zombie attack is coming because once your partner gets off, it’ll be the only thing stopping them from bolting into the next room. If you’re clever, you’ll hide the key in one of your erogenous zones. That’ll get’em back in bed!

be a
bad
girl!

Is there any truth to the rumor that crazy girls are more fun in bed? There’s only one way to find out: get your psycho nsane freak on! A relationship can only become interesting when it’s unpredictable and dramatic. So pull down that halter top and unpack those daddy issues, it’s time to take your man for a wild ride.

Follow these twelve taboo steps that will have him too scared to say no:

STEP 1:
SURPRISE HIM!

Men loved to be surprised, especially if it’s his penis being surprised by a warm mouth under his desk in the middle of work. Sneak out of bed at 3 am and hide in his office until it’s time to make your move. Even if his satisfied moans get him fired, you’ll still be inducted into the Bad Girl Hall of Fame.

STEP TWO:
SCARE HIM

A good scare gets the heart racing, and that means the blood is getting to his penis even faster. Mug him in the parking lot. Wear a mask and carry a gun and ask for all his money. Then order him to give you all his penis money. If he’s confused, make him dance by shooting bullets at his feet just as a bad girl does. Then have your way with him in the car. After he realizes that it was you all along he will be scared of you, but more important, he’ll respect you.

STEP 3:
PEE ON HIM

This is a great way to tell him you’ve lost control of your mind and your bladder. While you’re doing it, be sure to look him directly in the eye so he knows that you know that the toilet is only a few feet away and you don’t even care.

STEP FOUR:
CUT YOURSELF

Tell your man that you’re upset you haven’t fused your spirits together with a blood ritual the way your parents did when they were young. Slice each other’s palms with your trusty switchblade, then drink each other’s blood. If he still isn’t turned on, whip up a batch of blood margaritas. When you are done making love, say that cuddling is boring and carve his name into his chest. Every time he looks in the mirror he will remember who he is and that he has a real spark plug for agirlfriend.

STEP 5:
MAKE UP A WORD

Everyone says “fuck.” It’s become almost as inoffensive as the word “celery.” But if you make up a word, like burtcod, and tell him that it means to fuck hard all night long, then you have a secret code between the two of you that is filthy dirty. And nothing’s more enjoyable than talking like a sailor in front of Grandma with your very own foreign tongue. “Pass the asparagus, Grandma, I need all the energy I can get tonight to burtcod.”