Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (19 page)

STEP 6:
Get Symbiotic Tattoos

Having strange men doodle on you like a used cocktail napkin has become passé as a form of rebellion. A real bad girl gets a tattoo on her genitals! Make your danger ditch look like a monkey; then, while he’s sleeping, tattoo a banana on his penis. Once you both get over your skin infections, you can be sure your monkey will never go hungry!

Step 7: PUNCH HIS EX IN THE FACE

Or someone who looks like her. This will excite him because it might be something that he wanted to do but couldn’t, until he found a bad girl like you. Occasionally, when you are out and about with him punch a stranger in the face. If he asks why you did that (he probably will), just say, “I thought that was your ex, and I wanted to punch her in the face.”

STEP 8:
POO ON HIM

Just when he thought that it couldn’t get any kinkier than you peeing on him, poop on him. Once you squat over him and lay your hot feces on his disbelieving chest he will have zero doubts that you area completely crazy girl, and he’ll have the physical evidence to prove it.

STEP 9:
GET THROWN IN JAN TOGETHER

Tired of having sex in the bedroom every night? Do something that gets you both arrested, like using his credit card to give money to Al Qaeda. There’s a good chance they’ll put you in separate jail cells, but he’ll have a shank in his pants imagining what kind of trouble you’re getting into with the other bad girls.

Step 10:
SHAVE OFF ALL YOUR HAIR

Being naughty requires a close shave down below. It’s sexyto have him shave it for you, using whatever dirty razor or rusty vegetable peeler you can find. Then tell him that you want him to shave your head too. Only a bad girl wouldn’t care about the classic aesthetics of feminine beauty. Then, when he’s not looking, take all the hair (including the pubes) and send it to his mom. With no explanation!

Step 11:
Tie Him Up

Taking control in the bedroom is a great way to show how wild you are. So try taking all the control. Tie him up. For days. Have your way with him and only feed him when he’s loud. You’ll be amazed how sexy and powerful you feel when only you have access to drinking water.

Step 12:
Strip for Him

Teasing him with his own private peep show will make him fall in love with you all over again. Add some intricate dance moves that include jazz hands and pelvic gyrations. Put some modern dance in there to show him that you are passionate and artistic. Then just when he’s worked into a frenzy, pee on him. Then poop on him. Then cut him. It will be a strip show he’ll never forget. And he won’t be able to get that kind of entertainment at any other club!

Take a “Role” in the Hay!

A surefire way to jazz up your sex life is by tricking your genitals into thinking they’re with someone else. This is called role-playing.

The most important thing when role-playing is committing to the characters. If you’re bashful about adopting sexy new identities, start by using each other’s middle names. Don’t you dare say you can’t act-you’ve been faking genuine affection for years. Let go of your inhibitions the way you let go of your dreams! Before long, both of you will be acting up a sex storm. The characters may be pretend, but the orgasms will be as real as they come.

THE BONE IDENTITY

SETTING:
A hotel room that looks similar to your bedroom.

PROPS:
Two pistols (preferably real).

CHARACTERS:
Tatiana Glockenspecktor, a sexy assassin who has lured her target into a hotel room; James Hamiltone, a spy who has been smuggling hot secrets to the Russians for decades.

COSTUMES:
Tatiana should be wearing a trench coat with a rubber teddy under-neath. James is dressed in a trench coat and tear-away three-piece suit.

OPENING DIALOGUE:

TATIANA: Thanks for meeting me here.

JAMES: It’s hard to say no when there’s a gun to your chest and cabbage breath in your face.

TATIANA: I apologize, I am German. I crave the sauerkraut.

JAMES: What else do you crave?

TATIANA,
pulling out gun:
You in a body bag. Which is the only thing you deserve for selling secrets to the Russians.

JAMES,
pulling out gun:
Well, I did keep one secret from them.

TATIANA: What?

JAMES: This!

James whips off his trench coat and tear-away three-piece suit revealing himself to Tatiana.

TATIANA: Oh my. That’s a mighty big secret. We better hide it.

JAMES: I bet I know the perfect hiding place.

Tatiana takes off her trench coat and rubber teddy. Ad lib lovemaking.

UDDERLY SATISFIED

SETTING:
A barn that looks a lot like your bedroom.

CHARACTERS:
Marge Bickelworth, a prairie woman who is an incredibly talented cook; Fred Bickelworth, a man of the earth who has won several blue ribbons for his squash harvest.

PROPS:
Pitchforks; one dairy cow.

COSTUMES:
Both should be dressed in gingham shirts and overalls with remov-able crotch panel.

OPENING DIALOGUE:

F
RED
: Thank you for the grits this mornin’, Margie. They made me feel like a new man.

M
ARGE
: You’re welcome, Fred. I love cookin’ you grits.

F
RED
: I wish Bessie felt as good as me. Her teats are still dry today.

M
ARGE
: I wonder what’s gotten Bessie down lately.

F
RED
: I don’t know. Here, squeeze her teat, maybe a woman’s touch will help.

Marge squeezes Bessie’s teat. Milk may or may not come out depending on whether the cow is calving. There are two alternate courses to take depending on the outcome.

IF MILK COMES OUT:

M
ARGE
: She doesn’t seem dry to me.

F
RED
: You must have magic hands. Maybe you can squeeze some milk out of this teat!

Fred rips off tear-away crotch panel.

M
ARGE
: You have my favorite milk: condensed and sweet. It’s just the ingredient I need for this love pie I’m cooking up.

Marge works Fred’s “teat” and lovemaking transpires.

IF MILK DOES NOT COME OUT:

M
ARGE
: Nothing’s coming out.

F
RED
: Maybe you’re doing it wrong.

M
ARGE
: I need to be taught!

F
RED
: Come here, I’ll teach you on my man-teat!

Fred rips off tear-away crotch panel and Marge proceeds to give him a teat job.

SWEATY YETI

SETTING:
A mountainside in Nepal, or your kitchen with the refrigerator door open.

CHARACTERS:
Yeti, a mythical creature often confused with her Bigfoot brother; Daschel Scarsdale, an ambitious cryptozoologist who has been searching for Bigfoot his whole life.

PROPS:
A boulder; a small dead dog; a flash camera.

COSTUMES:
Yeti is covered head to toe in fur. She also has a tear-away fur crotch covering. Daschel wears traditional khaki safari gear, with tear-away crotch.

OPENING DIALOGUE:

Yeti is hiding behind a boulder. Daschel has just discovered her.

D
ASCHEL
: Heavens to Betsy! It’s you! The one I’ve been searching for!

Y
ETI
: Hhhrrrrgh!

Yeti is frightened and cowers behind the boulder.

D
ASCHEL
: Oh, please! Don’t be scared, I’m your friend. Look, I brought your favorite food, small dog.

Y
ETI
:Whhhrrrrr!!

Yeti grabs the animal corpse and almost swallows it whole. She is starving.

D
ASCHEL:
You like that. I knew you would. Finally the science world will accept me! Hold still for the camera, dear Bigfoot!

As Yeti swallows her last dog bone, Daschel aims his camera and flashes a shot. Yeti attacks him.

Y
ETI
: Aaaaaaarrrrhhggaah!

D
ASCHEL
: Please, no, I’m sorry!

Yeti has Daschel pinned to the ground. They pause in their struggle to look into each other’s eyes.

D
ASCHEL
: Dear Bigfoot, you are the most beautiful creature my eyes have ever seen. Your magnificence has surpassed my dreams of you.

Daschel is so overwhelmed he cries uncontrollably. Yeti becomes filled with an animalistic sympathy. She instinctively rubs her whole body methodically against him.

Y
ETI
: Bbbbrrrrrrsch.

D
ASCHEL
: This is so unexpected, this nurturing, it’s so sensual. I have always been curious what the reproductive organs of a Bigfoot might feel like.

Y
ETI
: Jarjarjarjar!

Without warning Yeti rips off both her tear-away crotch and Daschel’s and begins to yeti his brains out.

Just the Tip!

If your dying relationship has numbed you to the core, try anal sex. At least you’ll feel something.