Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (23 page)

A MESSAGE FROM THE FAA

CHAPTER 6

The Gay Chapter

The Gay Chapter

Well hello, sailor. I’m the gay chapter. I couldn’t help but notice you reading me. Don’t be shy. We’re all a little gay; some of us just happen to be a lot gay. And we all love tits no matter what. It’s just a fact of life.

The
pink triangle
is an international symbol of gay pride. Originally used to identify homosexuals in Nazi concentration camps, the gay community made it their own by flipping it up side down. Take that, Hitler!

In a perfect world, homosexuality would be celebrated, not condemned. Two souls find each other in the vast sea of humanity and know exactly how to work each other’s equipment: that’s magic. If you weren’t gay you might even be a bit resentful. Oh wait, some people are! It’s like they know we have more fun and they can’t stand it.

The rainbow flag,
whose colors represent the diversity of the gay community. Take that, homophobic leprechauns!

Look, can we be real for a minute? Even back when I was still a first draft, I knew deep down inside that I was a gay chapter. Sure, I tried to hide it. I convinced myself it was just a phase and I’d be straight after the next rewrite. For a while, I even switched to the most conservative font I could find. (Courier … yuck!) But eventually I realized I had to be honest with myself and do what made me happy. Pursuit of happiness? Sound familiar? It’s in the Constitution. And if you think a straight man had handwriting that fancy then you have a few things to learn about calligraphy.

FUCKTOID

Historians believe James Buchanan was our first gay president, though Abraham Lincoln is remembered as the one with the obvious beard.

President Buchanan was so distraught by the death of his fiancee he spent the rest of his life fucking men in the anus.

ESCAPE FROM THE CLOSET: Tips on Coming Out

If we lived in a more tolerant time, coming out wouldn’t be such a big deal. But until the self-righteous get that stick out of their fart holes (and then put it back in again in a nice rhythmic fashion), here are some suggestions for your gay rebranding.

COME OUT ONE BODY PART AT A TIME

Coming out cold turkey can be jarring to both you and your loved ones. So do it gradually! Start with a flaming gay pinky toe. Then try being light in only one loafer. Before you know it, everyone will be dying for that frumpy last straight hair to fall out so the party can really start.

FAKE YOUR DEATH

If you suspect your family would disown an openly gay you, nothing will fix them like a good death scare! meticulous planning and a lot of money for the crashed hang glider next to the crocodile pit, but it’s worth every penny to see the looks on their faces when you emerge alive and well at your own funeral. Only now you’re gay! They’ll be so happy to see you they’ll leave their ignorance in the casket.

THE SECOND COMING

If the reason that you’re scared to come out to your family is that Jesus told them being gay is a sin, then it’s time for them to get another message from Jesus! With an old bed-sheet, some thorns, and a lot of dramatic lighting you can help the Lord spread his message of loving your neighbor, even if that neighbor is a gaybor. Make sure you cast an out-of-town actor to play Christ, as it might be awkward for your parents to run into Jesus again at the supermarket.

WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM

If you want to avoid coming out to your friends and family completely, tell them you’re going into the Witness Protection Program. Lie about some gangster murder you saw and say your good-byes. Let them know that if they do want to see you, you’ll be living out your life in Key West, Florida, as a gay person! You don’t know how you’re going to pull it off (wink, wink), but at least you’ll be safe.

THROW YOUR OWN PARADE

Get it out there, get it in their face, get it on a float! Everybody loves a parade, especially if there’s a chance of catching some candy or beads. But they’ll also be catching something else … the drift!

BECOME A CONSERVATIVE, FAMILY-VALUES REPUBLICAN