Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (25 page)

India:
In 2009, The Delhi High court ruled the nation's homosextalityban unconstitutional, but made the age of consent for homosexuals two years older than for straights. It sounds hypocritical, but it worked wonders for reducing gay teen pregnancies.

Afghanistan:
Since the fall of the Taliban, homosexuality is no longer punishable by death (probably). So if that was the only thing stopping you from voguing down the streets of Kandahar, go right ahead!

Democratic People's Republic of Korea:
Though all displays of affection are banned, the North Korean government "recognizes that many individuals are born with homosexuality as a genetic trait and treats them with due respect." Unfortunately, "due respect" means "if Kim Jong doesn't like what you did with his hair , you'll be standing in front of a firing squad." That also goes for styling his body double.

Slash Fiction

Despite countless reruns of
The Wizard of Oz,
television is no friend of Dorothy. Gay characters are few and far between, and they’re definitely not getting any action on the screen. This is the driving force behind slash fiction, a genre that reimagines well-known TV characters as homosexuals with raging libidos. Today, anyone with a computer and the willingness to read television instead of watch it can experience their favorite characters living in an alternate universe devoid of silly hang-ups about things like sexual orientation and plot.

CHAPTER 7

For Sexperts Only

The Kitchen Sink of Sex

It is at this point-this sentence, in fact-where this book gets really FREAKY. Can you handle it? Not everyone can.

Though originality and self-expression are valued in every human endeavor from poetry to chili cook-offs, when it comes to sex those qualities are discouraged, if not shunned. You think being gay is tough? Imagine sitting your parents down and telling them you can only find sexual happiness dressed up like a giant baby. Or the funny looks you’d get at the baby supply store when you ask for a size XXXXL bonnet. You’ll find most people simply aren’t ready to embrace sexual exploration, much less try it themselves. Why is this?

The answer is that when it comes to sex, society tends to stick with the status quo. Which is Latin for “stop trying to take pictures of my feet, you creep.”

Of course, society has every right to discourage sexual practices that are harmful or that deprive real giant-headed babies of bonnets. But when it comes to the stigma associated with broadening one’s sexual horizons, the prevailing “if-it-ain’t-broke-don’t-fuck-it” attitude does a great disservice to our spirit of innovation-the very spirit that makes our species great. What if our primate ancestors had never tried the missionary position? Or if the Dutch had never invented foreplay? Where would today’s “normal sex-havers” be then? If the guy in the man-sized diaper is any indication, probably having an awkward conversation with their parents.

Thankfully, there are a brave few willing to face ridicule or even Jerry Springer’s studio audience in pursuit of their dreams. These are the heroic orgasmonauts exploring the farthest reaches of the known Pleasureverse, and they deserve our respect. Because without these sexual pioneers our species might be cumming, but we wouldn’t be going any where.

Check “Other”

Ready to play the field? Not so fast. Before you do, you should know that Orgasm Meadow has a few black sheep.

Bisexuals

Bisexuals are the sexiest people on Earth because they know if you really love sex, you don’t let a minor detail like gender prevent you from having it.

The bisexual pride flag, which some days prefers to be a pennant.

Only 2 to 3 percent of the population is sexually ambidextrous, making bisexuals the four-leaf clovers of the sex world. Meaning if you find one, consider yourself lucky! In fact, you should ask the bisexual if he or she wouldn’t mind getting pressed between the pages of this book to give to your grandchildren someday. The bisexual will be flattered, and your grandkids will love it.

The only surefire way to spot a bisexual is to catch one speaking his or her secret language. Among their own kind, bisexuals talk in palindromes—words and phrases that fittingly go “both ways.” We overheard this conversation at Radar, a popular bisexual club in Capac, Michigan.

MAN AT BAR:
YO, BANANA BOY!

BARTENDER:
Huh?

MAN AT BAR:
Sex at noon taxes.

BARTENDER:
Ned, I am maiden.

MAN AT BAR:
Wow!

BARTENDER:
Party boobytrap.

MAN AT BAR:
No, still it’s on. ‘Ed is on no side.

Did you understand that? If you did, you’re totally bi.

Transgender Folk

Imagine being trapped in a mine. Your oxygen is running out and the only way you can survive is to smash through a rock wall. Now imagine the mine is your own body, the rock wall is traditional gender roles, and the oxygen is your hopes of a satisfying sex life. This is what it is like to be one of the untold millions of transgender Americans.