Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (24 page)

The family-values platform isn’t just the antigay agenda this party endorses, it’s also the name of the floating raft they want to put all gays onto and push out to sea. Yet everyone knows many (if not all) of these so-called defenders of “family values” are intolerant of gay people because they’re compensating for the secret shame they feel about their own homosexual urges. Which is exactly why you should become one! That way, you can avoid discrimination while still planting the seed that you’re probably gay. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! Then, slip into the men’s room at the country club and fuck ‘em!

Fisting: A TRAINING GUIDE

Whether you and your partner have zero penises or an abundance of them, nothing brings variety to an orifice like a good, clenched fist. Popular in the gay community, fisting has crossed over to everyone. But before you go punching the pink, take a moment to bone up on the finer points of fisting. It requires patience, ambition, and a lot of practice. Here are some tips to get you ready for your first fisting.

FIND A PARTNER

No, you cannot fist yourself. Well, technically you can. But trust us: when you finally succeed and are sitting fist-deep on your arm, you will know what true loneliness is. And it will shake your soul.

PICK A HOLE

Determine right from the beginning who will be the fister and who will be the fistee. A good way to decide is by playing rock-paper-scissors. If one of you picks “rock,” your training will have already begun!

WAS I WEARING A RING?

Before you get serious about finger spelunking, you’ll want to remove any jewelry or press-on fingernails. Also make sure that Band-Aids are secure and warts are dormant. Mittens are probably a bad idea, no matter how cold it is.

K-WHY? BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO!

Just by looking you will notice that your hand is about seven times larger than your partner’s vagina or anus. Put on a coat of lube armor. You’re going to need it to battle the laws of physics.

SET A SCHEDULE

Don’t expect to get full fistage on the first try. You’ll need to set a rigorous training schedule with your partner. Hang a calendar in a prominent place as a reminder. If company comes over and asks why Monday, Wednesday, and Friday have a fist sketched on them, you can protect your privacy by telling them you’ve joined the Black Panther Party.

TAPERING OFF

Like any good marathoner, you need to rest up before the big event. When you’ve gotten everything in but your thumb, treat yourself to a few days off. Both of you need to recuperate, especially the one getting fisted. At this point, the only thing you should be cramming into your body is carbohydrates and a lot of water.

THE FINAL PUSH

After a week or two of training you’ll be ready for the main event. Start slow like always: fingertips, then knuckles. Then take a deep breath and dive on in. When you’re wrist-deep … STOP! “Arming” is only for professionals, and if you’re Popeye you could kill someone.

Lesbian Bed Death

It happens every three minutes. A lesbian couple’s sex life comes to a quiet end. But the real tragedy is that in most cases, the victims don’t even notice.

This police report was obtained using the Freedom of Information Act.

LET’S GAY

Does putting up with the closed-minded homophobia of your neighbors, clergy or pets ever make you want to just get out of town? Well, do it! Just be careful where you go. As of 2009, homosexuality was illegal in seventy-eight countries. That means that unless your genitals have diplomatic immunity, you could be arrested, jailed, or even executed just for being gay. And you thought high school was bad.

To avoid run-ins with the law, use the following map when planning your next gaycation. Steer clear of countries whose tacky, homophobic plaid clashes with the stripes of the gay pride rainbow.

Gay Legend

Twinkie Scale of Uncontrolled Homophobia (as established in the Harvey Milk murder trial)

California:
Homosexuality not illegal but gay marriage banned since 2008. Children remain safely in the hands of the unemployed, fame-hungry heterosexuals living with their parents.

Jamaica:
Hey mon! Don't even think of getting any "mon–on–mon" action here, where gay sex is punishable by ten year's hard labor. (Lesbian sex is legal, so long as it's performed for the sake of getting one's groove back. Lack of gay meeting spots may explain the sudden popularity of bobsledding in 1980s.

Guyana:
The only South American nation where homosexuality is still illegal. Probably compensating for the fact that most people thought it was a "little gay" back when it was British Guiana.

Barbados:
Homosexuality punishable by life in prison. Which would be okay, if prison was outside.

Egypt:
While not explicitly illegal, homosexuality is punishable by up to thress years in prison under "public moral laws." Humans fucking lions apparently still condemed.

Liberia:
True to it American roots, Liberia also discriminates against gays. But unlike most African nations, sodomy is only punishable by a fine, makingit an attractive option for travelers willing to do "gay for pay."