Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (27 page)

Grand Duke Vytenis’s Ascensian Orgy

Castle of Novgorodok
c.A.D. 1295
Rating:

[...] Despite a rocky first act, the coronation festivities built to a tantalizing climax as the Grand Duke ordered his three wives to strip and submit themselves to a trio of hill goats. The lead goat, ably played by Land Master i Bruno’s prize short-hair Jasper, did not disappoint, thrusting and heaving his woolly haunches like the great Pan himself. With the moans of the Vytenis women and the clanging of Jasper’s bell building to an orgasmic crescendo, it seemed as though this was going to be a gangbang for the ages. And then … nothing. In some of the worst orgy blocking this reviewer has ever had the misfortune of witnessing, the satisfied goats simply meandered off stage, pausing only briefly to chew the scenery. Herein lay the fatal flaw of the Grand Duke’s latest effort. What’s the point of putting goats in an orgy if you don’t tear them apart and eat them?

Pope Alexander VI Presents: The Ballet of Chestnuts

Palace of the Vatican
October 30, 1501
Rating:

[…]Following a procession before the pontiff that lagged like a drunken caterpillar, fifty courtesans danced with the banquet guests, the wenches brightly garbed at first and then not at all. But other than Pope Alexander’s bold choice of venue (and the complementary ruby-encrusted fanny paddle), the whole affair sagged. Sensing his cue, the pope’s bastard son Don Cesare began scattering roasted chestnuts about the palace floor. Lowering a cande-
¹
labrum to illuminate the errant nuts, he then ordered the whores to pick them up … with their mouths. They did so greedily, giving the pope and his retinue ample opportunity to admire their noble parts, a spectacle this reviewer won’t soon forget.

But roasted chestnuts? How about eating some nonroasted wild animals? Doesn’t anyone throw orgies anymore?

Formula One Chief Max Mosley’s Nazi Concentration Camp Bondage Orgy

Max Moseley’s Chelsea Torture Flat
March 28, 2008
Rating: Too soon.

Ray and Margaret’s Backyard Bacchanalia

Memorial Day, 2009
Rating:

[…] Despite a promising run time of “Noon-???” and a “decadent” amount of mayonnaise in the potato salad, this so-called bacchanalia failed to live up to its ambitious billing. Though courteous and charming hosts in their own right, Margaret and Ray simply haven’t the talent nor the wanton depravity needed to host a bachelorette party, much less a full-blown orgy. Also, with regard to the ambrosia salad, this deity doesn’t remember the food of the gods having quite so many marshmallows. (But that didn’t stop me from going back for seconds!)

Wildo’s Retreat

In the seventies and early eighties, there were more functioning sex clubs in New York City than there were Ray’s Famous Pizzas. But without a doubt the greatest club of all was Wildo’s Retreat, located in the heart of the Swingers’ District. Featuring a nude waitstaff, all-you-can-eat edible underwear, and twice-daily hosings-down, Wildo’s Retreat was the place for public displays of friction. And every night, Wildo would take a stroll right through the middle of it, basking in his life’s work. Can you spot him?

L.L.Beast

A Catalog for Animal Lovers

A.
GOAT COP, BAD COP
Whether it’s Sergeant Billy or Officer Nanny, you’d better spread him when they trol, up in his sexy uniform. You broke the laws of nature, so shut up and listen when they bleat out your rights.

KEY FEATURES

• Edible cotton/nylon blend

• Comes in navy or black (only one of you is color blind!)

• One size fits around all four-chambered stomachs

ITEM #TA259553 $49.85

B.
TIGER
You better be brave, because this tiger is a very naughty nurse! Nurse Tiger will take your pulse right before she slashes your heart out. An apple a day most dennitely won’t keep Nurse Tiger away from giving you a bloody sponge bath. Catalog and Web only.

KEY FEATURES

• Stethoscope, even though your pounding heart will be audible without it

• Sensible shoes

• Anal thermometer … so hold still!

ITEM #TA233493
$61.19

C.
I GOT YOU, BABE
Finally, nipple clamps that everyone in the animal kingdom can enjoy. Your pig can embrace its gluttony by clamping down all its teats at once! No more rotating around the traditional two clamps—your pig will appreciate a simultaneous nipple tweak for all twelve teats. And it will go hog wild for the fashionable leather collar.

KEY FEATURES

• Stainless-steel clamps and chains, easy to wash mud off

• Removable clamps in case your pig has fewer than twelve teats. You can use the extras on your self!

• Glover clamps coming soon, pending PETA approval

ITEM #TQ776912 $80.32
that’s only $6.69 per clamp!

Also available in Dungeoness Crab ITEM #TQ774562 $36.78

D.
JUNGLE FEVER
Put your aggressive hippo into submission with the ultimate toy made just for her. This one-of-a-kind gag ball is four feet in diameter and made of 100 percent American steel. Fitting just behind the teeth, hippo will be drooling a river all its own. Keep your hungry hungry hippo begging for more!

KEY FEATURES

• Adjustable strap

• Waterproof

• Grass flavored

ITEM #TG679148 $749.66

URBAN LEGENDS OF SEX

We’ve all heard them. Whispered tales of sexual experimentation gone horribly awry, usually with devastating consequences. One is tempted to dismiss them as freak accidents or tall tales. But the fact that they all happened to “a friend of a friend” makes you wonder if this sort of crazy shit is true. The answer may scare you into never being sexy again.

DIRTY DOG

THE LEGEND: Curious about sex, a lonely teenage girl stuck a frozen hot dog-up her vagina. When she tried to get it out, she couldn’t! The hot dog had gone too far inside her, and she had to go to the hospital to have it removed.

True or false: TRUE!

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED: This legend is based on a terrifying chain of events that happened to Jenny Fillmore of Boulder, Colorado. What started as a midnight snack turned into an all-you-can eat humiliation buffet, served up with a pair of warm tongs.

Jenny, a shy freshman at John Elway High School, had been craving a hot dog all day When she pulled one out of the freezer she couldn’t help but notice it was the same size and shape as the penis illustrated in her health book. Her curiosity piqued, Jenny smuggled the uncooked wiener to her bedroom. She’d planned to let it thaw out to what she guessed was penis temperature, but when her dad knocked on the door, Jenny panicked. Not knowing how to explain having a frozen hot dog in her room, she stuffed it up her vagina. When the coast was clear Jenny tried to retrieve it, but there was nothing to grab on to. The frankfurter had gone frankly-further than she’d wanted it to. Jenny screamed in horror as she realized she’d become the human bun to this hot dog from hell.

When Jenny arrived at the hospital she wasn’t sure what to tell the ER staff. Luckily, removing frozen hot dogs from vaginas was one of the first things they taught in med school. Expert hands reversed Jenny’s plight, but the school bully Kenneth “Swirly” Giles happened to be at the same hospital getting treated for a minor stomach explosion caused by mixing Pop Rocks and Coke. He heard why Jenny was there and told all of his friends shortly before he died from cherry blood bubbles.

PEANUT BUTTER SURPRISE