Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (33 page)

Medications like Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra work by increasing blood flow to the penis, but sometimes result in
priapism,
an erection lasting four hours or more (or, if you prefer, 240 one-minute erections all in a row). Left untreated, priapism can damage erectile tissue and result in a permanent loss of function, making these drugs the equivalent of a highly effective cold remedy that might make your nose dry up and fall off your face.

VACUUAA CONSTRICTION DEVICES (VCDS):

These are ordinary penis pumps, modified to cost your health insurance provider $500. VCDs use suction to draw blood into the penis and imprison it there against its will with a constricting band or ring. Unfortunately, a vacuum-induced erection is not the same as a natural one and tends to be purplish, numb, and cold, which is ideal for any woman who enjoys being fucked by a sad grape Popsicle.

PENILE IMPLANT:

An affront to nature that demonstrates the indignities men will suffer to keep getting boners, this surgically-implanted monstrosity incorporates tubing, fluid, and a hidden squeeze pump in order to achieve erection. The wealthy old man’s penis of tomorrow, using the sneaker technology of the 1990s.

STRAPPING YOUR PENIS TO A DILDO:

Not ideal, but better than no sex at all.

If none of these treatments work, you’ll just have to tell your partner the bad news: that “deer” you hit a few weeks ago with your Land Rover must have been a gypsy, and now your penis is cursed. Hopefully, she’ll be so impressed that you drive a Rover, she just might forget about your “condition.” (Not likely.)
Just the Tip!

Impotence is often an indicator of more serious health problems, such as diabetes, high cholesterol, and Parkinson’s disease. So don’t worry-you might not have to live with impotence much longer!

FLACCIDOPOLY

The Game of Engorgement

WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

• Dice

• A game piece representing you innability to perform as a man (wet noodle, a thimble of tears) • A penis
HOW TO PLAY:

Place your game piece on START. Take deep, relaxing breaths and roll the die, clearing your mind of any stressful thoughts. Move your game piece the number of spaces indicated. Follow the instructions on each space. Most important, try not to worry. If you don’t win, you can always try again later (though you should probably just give up and watch a movie).

Poking the Peanut

If you are infected with a sexually transmitted baby, your life is about to change drastically. You have to be mindful of what you eat, what you drink, and most important, whom you have sex with. Because like it or not, you’re having sex for two now. Here are some chilling firsthand accounts from former fetuses traumatized by their time in the womb.

JIM

“Even though it was a long time ago I still have nightmares. A worm trying to get me. Or at least tapping me on the shoulder to get my attention. I try to get away but I’m trapped, tied there by a tube. Worst of all, I don’t have arms to slap it away. Needless to say, I’m not big on fishing or gardening.”

EAMON

I remember like it was yesterday. I was just chewing on placenta, minding my own business, when all of a sudden I heard my mom moaning. I was scared because I’d never heard those sounds before, just Beethoven. Not this spooky moaning business. And then my whole world started rocking up and down real fast, like an earth-quake. I thought I was going to die. Then things went back to normal, and I ate some more placenta.”

JANEANE

“My mom was really into vibrators. At least once a day I’d hear the buzz and everything around me would vibrate. It would last for 30 minutes to an hour, which in the dark seems like an eternity. At first I liked it. It broke up the monotony. But once my bones developed they started to rattle together, and that was annoying.”