Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (37 page)

Unfortunately, one side effect of cutting out the middle organ is that there’s no going back. With every generation, our neglected genitals would atrophy, until they finally lost all function. And though our head-rattling orgasms would more than make up for the indignity of being hung like a pygmy, deep down inside we’d know we’d destroyed something beautiful. We would, in a very real sense, have
creamed our genes.

*Oh, or a button! Duh.

That’s not to say
everything
would shrink. Given the brain’s affinity for reward, the areas associated with orgasm would likely expand in an evolutionary effort to accept greater and greater stimulation. Over time, the sexification of our gray matter would not only change the shape of the brain, but the skull that encases it. And you can bet those swinging the most brain-pipe will walk with a certain swagger … and not just because they don’t have to worry about squishing their microscopic testicles between their thighs.

A man with a
sexually advanced brain

As with every new technology, there will be those who abuse it. For the lazy and unemployed, the temptation will be to spend all day in bed “floggin’ the noggin” (see inset). Even scarier, should our brain circuitry be hacked as easily as our computers, we would face the daunting possibility of losing control of our orgasms. Sure, the first couple of times your bud-dies made you climax in the food court it would be hilarious. But it would get annoying … fast. Just imagine a world where you had an uncontrollable orgasm every time you saw a Big Mac. Are you picturing it? Well, enjoy it. Because once McDonald’s gets their hands on your brain codes, you won’t be able to imagine anything without being interrupted by an unsolicited McOrgasm.

Of course, exhausted brain-havers will try fortifying their craniums with orgasm-blocking software, but ultimately, people will give in to the ecstasy onslaught. Why? Because we’ll want to give in. After all, they’re FREE ORGASMS. And in the end, humans will come to cherish the rare moments of not cumming that will be known as
blandmaxing.

The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex’s

TOP FIVE FUTURE NICKNAMES
FOR BRAIN-MASTURBATING

DRAINING THE BRAIN

CANOODLING THE NOODLE

STROKING THE IMAGINATION

SNAPPING THE SYNAPSES

MEDULLAING THE OBLONGATA

Sex Guides of the Future
In the future, thumbing through pages of compressed wood pulp to learn about sex will seem just as primitive and silly as stuffing untrustworthy penises into latex bags. Here are just a few of the ways in which future sexperts will learn their trade: